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are you guys "military" or not?

Because that changes some of the answers.

Nope.  Not military.  The job situation was a voluntary one.

Yes, you would file in the state where you are a resident, so the last place you lived is where you would file.

If you are the one to move and create the distance, you may be required to provide DD's transportation. At her age, she is legally allowed to fly unaccompanied, so if he ends up paying he may fly her that way. How much longer is he going to be there for after you move?

Filing while he is abroad won't give you any benefits other than you would file where you move to rather than having to file where you all currently live (for instance, if you had been living in another state instead of another country, you would have to file there). Depending on the judge, and the situation, it may be frowned upon. My DH is military and we are overseas in Japan, and his ex filed a case and she was scolded for it. But that's not always how it will happen (his ex was trying to prevent visitation while he is overseas).

Is there any way that the two of you can work out a parenting plan yourselves for your daughter? And can you meet with a mediator for the divorce issues? If the two of you can solve this on your own, it will be better for your daughter. You have a few months now that you two will be there together if you are waiting til the end of the school year, so can you all sit down and discuss the important stuff?

Thank you for your input.  I realize the timing is bad.  He would be required to be here another year if we left next summer.  I suppose if worse came to worse we could just agree to live in the same house here, just kind of separately?  I don't know if that ever really works for people, but you never know.   I suppose another option might be to agree to separate for that year but not file? 

I don't want to put DD in a situation where she is required to fly alone to a foreign country.  Especially in this political climate. These are difficult situations, but ultimately I do not want her to pay the price for our incompatibility.  Maybe it would be better waiting, more waiting, but that might be the best in the long run.

My husband, myself and our daughter (12) have been living abroad for the past 6 months due to my husbands 2 year job assignment.

Marriage was very rocky before the move, however I was hopeful the new environment might help.  Sold the house, put everything else in storage and moved. The marriage has worsened to the point where I would like to return to US.  Daughter does not know I am considering this, but has asked if we could "go home early" and has mentioned that "Dad seems mad all the time and it's kinda scary".   She loves her Dad very much, and he loves her.  There is no physical abuse, but he can be bullying and controlling, and you never really know what will set it off.  We tried counseling for many years, however, no significant improvement for any length of time.

My thought was to allow her to finish the school year and return then. If I return and file, I assume that I would file in the state (CA) and county were we previously lived for 15 years?  This is where we would reside on return.

As husband would still be living out of the country for another year, would my daughter be obligated to fly alone to visit? 

Would filing while husband is still abroad provide any advantages for me (custody issues, etc.) or might this be viewed by the court negatively?

Any advise would be appreciated. 

Thank you very much.

Your son knows you are doing whatever you can for him and he will need to deal with his father if he wants help from him. That really should be between them since he now is 18.

This is true.  I guess I just need to let him deal with it all.  I have always tried to keep him from feeling in the middle. 

Thanks for the input.

If your son is that old, he sees and understands the truth about what's going on......believe me.

I think this is true, but he is still able to make them feel bad for him..  To get them to "parent" him, if you will.  It makes me sad. 

Thanks for the input.

What state are you in?  In NJ, child support continues through college AND both parents are ordered to pay a  portion of it.

If you don't live in a state that has support through college, there's not much you can do. 

Your ex is being a manipulative jerk and is probably destroying his relationship with your child.  Which is his prerogative. 

In the meantime, your son should look into financial aid. 

Thanks for the feedback.  Unfortunately, we're in California.  I understand he isn't required to pay.  I just wish he wouldn't have promised the boy if he didn't plan on going through with it. 

I think my ex has this vision of me sitting on a pile of gold coins, just rolling in it.  Like I was financially able to take his CS checks and not use any of it for living expenses all these years.  Didn't happen.  I used that money appropriately though, for food and shelter and what the boys needed along the way.  And I'm proud to say I did'n't nickel and dime him at all.  I never went asked him for an increase in 15 years.  Silly me, I thought I was being civilized and helping the co-parenting relationship.  Apparently, he has resentment anyway.  Go figure.  Just wish it didn't effect the boys.

Hello all you wise parents,

I have an odd one for you ......In the begining of the year, my ex sent me an email asking me what I would be able to contribute to our sons college education.   I replied that I had saved up about 5k, but that was all the cash I had for college.  However, I also stated that I would continue to provide all our sons medical, dental and auto insurance; clothing; food; gas.  Our son is 18 now and goes back and forth as he pleases.

My ex then had a face to face discussion with ds and offered him 100k for college or a start up company.  He was trying to get him to do the start up, but after weighing all his options our son decided on college.  He applied, was accepted.  We all toured the school, and he signed up for his classes.  I sent the first years payment on the dorm out of the 5k.  Now, one month before school starts his dad sits down with our son and says that due to the fact that he was required to pay me child support all these years, he feels that I should have more to contribute than 5k.  He feels it is only "fair" that I pay half (even though I provide all the living expenses as listed above).  He wrote out a much exagerated list of CS payments that he had made and showed our son, claiming he is an adult now "and needs to know these things".  Son said he felt his dad was tryinig to make him feel guilty or feel sorry for him.  Ex then told him was no longer offering him 100k, and now unless he can get me to pay half, he will not pay for his college.  Son was placed in an impossible middle position with college hanging over his head unless he could get me to "find the money".  Ex then sent me an email stating that unless I paid half I don't care about our sons education.

Our son is crushed and I am just shocked he would do this - especially a month before classes begin. I feel like he's using our sons college as a ransom of sorts and it doesn't sit well with me. 

Any advise before I have to respond to his demand?   Thanks!!!

Our PB is Histrionic.  This disorder has many of the same characteristics as Narcissism, but is much more theatrical.  Drama about EVERYTHING is sought after.  Every cold is a "horrible virus" for sympathiy.  Every new guy in her life is "the love of my life, my soul mate" - so after two weeks she's moved in and involving the kids in every detail of their relationship.  

By far the most damaging characterisistic where the kids are concerned is that they aren't allowed to "feel" things - only she is.   If they disagree with her "they hurt her feelings".  If she misses their performances, due to a date and they tell her , SHE cries and says "they have devastated her and how could they hyrurt HER like this, etc."  What this does to them is make them afraid to feel anything. They live in fear that she will "react" in dramatic fashion .   They feel "guilty" all the time.

She can't stand to be alone, because if she's alone she will disapear.  So she has called at 10pm to see if the kids can come over to "keep her company and sleep with her because she's all alone".   She won't discipline because they might "get made at her" and leave her alone.  

It's alwful.  However, she can be exteremely charming, and is excellent at portraying herself as the helpless damsel in distress, worthy of  rescue. She is the eternal victim.  Nothing is her fault and she is not capable of accountability.  If you disagree with her you are a "bully".  She lies without remorse and does it so much I think she believes what she says.  The kids both lie, I suppose due to the extent of exposure to it and encouragement not to "tell".   And the youngest child has stated that he thinks lying is "an instinct - something he just does..."..    The teen years are going to be soooooo fun.

I sympathize with you greatly!  Unless you have been around these narcissitists-types it is hard to convey the amount of damagae and distruction they can to do to a family.  No one would believe that they can do the things they do and get a way with it.  But they do.  She is rewarded for her behavior all the time.  Her current boyfriend (who "rescued" her from the one....." ) is buying her a house and paying her bills because she's too "stressed out" to work (DH had his CS increased because she was "unable to work due to stress" as well).  

1. Would CPS have been notified automatically if kids were in the car?

I like your thoughts on all this Soc.  Brilliant, as always!


Thanks a bunch!

Hi Soc,

We are in Ca. and have joint legal and physical.  

We asked for physical last year at trial after ex (mom) disagreed with mediators recommendation that custody should go to dad.  Ex is an alcoholic as is her current husband.  We were not able to convince the  judge, but we did get a clause adopted in our court order which states parents must be clean and sober 12 hours prior to and during custody time and chldren will not be transported by anyone under the influence of drugs or alcohol while in their care.

Well, stepdad recently got a dui (two counts, one for dui one for excessive blood alcohol).  Kids were in the car.  Kids didn't tell us and neither did mom.  Infact, she doesn't know we know yet.

In addition, son, 15, is in treatment for alcohol and drug addiction himself.  Mom refuses to permit him to enter in-patient treatment.which has been recommended by his counselor.  We would like to obtain legal custody so we can get him help.  

We asked for physical custody in trial, but unfortunately judge believed mom when she said she doesn't drink anymore.  In reality, both mom and stepdad drink everyday.  Judge went with moms request for 50/50 over mediators recommendation for dad primary.


1.  How best can we use this awful situation (and serious violation of our court order) to better protect the kids?


2. Is the fact that they were in the car and endangered in this manner enough to go back and actually get legal custody? Or ask to change physical again?  

Any suggestions would be really appreciated.

Thanks so much.