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THANKS TO ALL!
THANKS TO ALL!
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Custody Issues / Advice for Father trying to get custody
Oct 06, 2009, 07:07:12 AM
My husband and I desperately need advice. We are currently in a shared parenting situation (as far as the divorce papers from 5 years ago are concerned) of my husbands daughter age 11 and son age 9. The custody was originally every Monday & Wednesday evening until 8, overnight every Friday, and every other weekend. As of the beginning of the year we have taken on increasingly more custody. This is where it gets tricky. I am going to try and make this as short as possible.
At the beginning of the year, the mom broke up with her boyfriend. She was a stay at home mom at the time. At that point we took over custody every weekend so that she could try and find a place to live and get a job. This visitation continued until early June when school got out, at which point the children basically came to live with us full time so that we could arrange daycare since she was working. She had them maybe 2 - 2 1/2 days a week but childcare for all 5 days a week was arranged and paid for by my husband and I. About 2 weeks before school started we enrolled the kids into school in our town. Mom agreed to this completely. Since then, we have had predominent custody of the children with the mom spending a few hours with the kids during the week and occasionally on the weekend. All along we have never made any modification to the child support order. She has gotten child support while we took care of ALL the kids needs. Mom does wants her kids and the time apart is killing her, it isn't an abondonment issue. We all have gotten along really well up unitl this point.
So that is the detail up to the present. Now that my husband and I have gotten the kids the structure, and dicipline they so much needed, and they know what the expectations are, mom wants to take them overnight Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday nights. They would still get on and off the bus at our house, she would just bring them to our home and pick them up at our home. We would continue to pay for or pack thier lunches and provide them with breakfast before school and a snack afterschool. We would rotate every other weekend. The reason is because mom's house, which was being forclosed on, burnt down last week. She has now moved into her mother's house, which is 15 minutes from our house. Mom, her 3 year old son from a previous relationship, and the two kids will/would be all living in a one room unfinished basement.
No I know that this seems fair based on time spent with each parent. But how is this situation a good environment for kids? It isn't stable, it is chaos. My husband and I do not agree that this is the best schedule. We believe that the kids are better off with us for primary custody and mom for visitation. Mom has no home, no vehicle because it is broken down, and other than our child support not much of a financial means.
Just as a side note, up until this summer the kids have never been to a dentist. I took them. When I went to enroll them in school, mom didn't know which pediatrician I should call for their shot recrords. I had to call 5 different dr's to find 2 shot records. Last spring when things started to fall apart for mom I was in constant contact with the school and teachers regarding the fact that the 5th grader was about to be held back. I set up conferences and got her into tutoring. I have already begun the same for this year. Had conferences last week, she showed up late and didn't say a word. I am getting ready to take them to get flu shots. I TAKE CARE OF ALL OF THEIR DAY IN AND DAY OUT NEEDS!
The advice I am looking for is, the way I see it we have a few options
1. Fight her in court with a judge - which would be very hard on the kids, plus the judge could rule that it is best for the kids to see as much of her as possible and not see it as a detriment that they would be bounced around all week.
2. Give in and allow her to have the schedule she requested above - and basically take advantage of us financially, while the kids get no benefit
3. Go back to the original visitation schedule set up in the divorce - would require the kids change schools, in which case we would be cleaning up mom's messes for the rest of the kids lives.
None of these options are going to be easy on the kids in the immediate. The kids are not mature enough to make a realistic decision. I am so torn because all I want is for the kids to have the absolute best in life that they possible can. Up until this week we have all had an excellent relationship and worked very, very well together. But I have drawn the line and the fight has come out in me in order to protect the kids.
Any thoughts would be appreciated.
At the beginning of the year, the mom broke up with her boyfriend. She was a stay at home mom at the time. At that point we took over custody every weekend so that she could try and find a place to live and get a job. This visitation continued until early June when school got out, at which point the children basically came to live with us full time so that we could arrange daycare since she was working. She had them maybe 2 - 2 1/2 days a week but childcare for all 5 days a week was arranged and paid for by my husband and I. About 2 weeks before school started we enrolled the kids into school in our town. Mom agreed to this completely. Since then, we have had predominent custody of the children with the mom spending a few hours with the kids during the week and occasionally on the weekend. All along we have never made any modification to the child support order. She has gotten child support while we took care of ALL the kids needs. Mom does wants her kids and the time apart is killing her, it isn't an abondonment issue. We all have gotten along really well up unitl this point.
So that is the detail up to the present. Now that my husband and I have gotten the kids the structure, and dicipline they so much needed, and they know what the expectations are, mom wants to take them overnight Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday nights. They would still get on and off the bus at our house, she would just bring them to our home and pick them up at our home. We would continue to pay for or pack thier lunches and provide them with breakfast before school and a snack afterschool. We would rotate every other weekend. The reason is because mom's house, which was being forclosed on, burnt down last week. She has now moved into her mother's house, which is 15 minutes from our house. Mom, her 3 year old son from a previous relationship, and the two kids will/would be all living in a one room unfinished basement.
No I know that this seems fair based on time spent with each parent. But how is this situation a good environment for kids? It isn't stable, it is chaos. My husband and I do not agree that this is the best schedule. We believe that the kids are better off with us for primary custody and mom for visitation. Mom has no home, no vehicle because it is broken down, and other than our child support not much of a financial means.
Just as a side note, up until this summer the kids have never been to a dentist. I took them. When I went to enroll them in school, mom didn't know which pediatrician I should call for their shot recrords. I had to call 5 different dr's to find 2 shot records. Last spring when things started to fall apart for mom I was in constant contact with the school and teachers regarding the fact that the 5th grader was about to be held back. I set up conferences and got her into tutoring. I have already begun the same for this year. Had conferences last week, she showed up late and didn't say a word. I am getting ready to take them to get flu shots. I TAKE CARE OF ALL OF THEIR DAY IN AND DAY OUT NEEDS!
The advice I am looking for is, the way I see it we have a few options
1. Fight her in court with a judge - which would be very hard on the kids, plus the judge could rule that it is best for the kids to see as much of her as possible and not see it as a detriment that they would be bounced around all week.
2. Give in and allow her to have the schedule she requested above - and basically take advantage of us financially, while the kids get no benefit
3. Go back to the original visitation schedule set up in the divorce - would require the kids change schools, in which case we would be cleaning up mom's messes for the rest of the kids lives.
None of these options are going to be easy on the kids in the immediate. The kids are not mature enough to make a realistic decision. I am so torn because all I want is for the kids to have the absolute best in life that they possible can. Up until this week we have all had an excellent relationship and worked very, very well together. But I have drawn the line and the fight has come out in me in order to protect the kids.
Any thoughts would be appreciated.
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