Messages

Thank you MrCustodyCoach.   I do believe that a SP should continue to have contact with the child while a NCP is deployed.  In my situation, because the visitations are more than just an everyother weekend schedule I don't feel that the SM should have the same visitation schedule as written in the consent order (the order does not address visitation with anyone else other than the NCP).  I thought we, SM, NCP, CP, would discuss and come up with an alternate schedule with my child to be with me for Christmas.  This conversation took place at a fastfood joint while the NCP was picking up the child for his visit.  Before they left it seemed that they understood my feelings about christmas and we would be able to discuss the schedule.  The next conversation was by phone and the only other time we spoke.  I couldn't talk at the time, and asked that he e-mail an alternate schedule and we could talk about it.  He informed me that he was asking for the schedule as it was written and if I didn't agree he would file a motion to have it changed to state the SM could exercise his visitation.  He did file but stated I flately refused all visitation.  How would his attorney or a judge feel about that once they knew that he lied?  The child's schedule won't really be disrupted because this is a new schedule (NCP has changed the schedule whenever he decided it wasn't working for him) and this new schedule is date specific for the next 2 years.  There was mention of the child being upset or worried about the father being deployed, but I'm not going to explain what a deployment means.  The child is too young for that, I will just say that he is away working.  Also,  the SM is in the service.

Can the NCP use the deployment as a significant change in circumstance knowing he would deploy when he signed the consent order?

Snowrose,  I can see your confusion.  I didn't include my reasons for making such a statement.  No, I don't think they should have to tell me, but I asked to share in teh excitement.  And no, I don't think the gifts should have to come home with her.  However, I ask out of excitement, to share something that is important to our child.  Furthermore, the NCP says he want a coparenting relationship and that he wants to know everything about what's going on in our child's life. It's a contridiction on his part to want me to share everything with him and nothing with me.  It's more about communication and sharing to better know what's going on with our child.  Like being able to say, "You got a such and such, how cool is that...I bet you were excited..."  Recently, was our child able to take something from our house to his...who is that benefiting and why does it matter to the NCP?  I would ask all those who read my posts keep in mind that my situation is not like everyone else's.  Nor is anyone else's like everyone else.  I'm not explaining anyone else's situation but my own.

About your statment regarding that their gift's were bought to be at their house.  It's not about their house, it's about the gift was bought to be enjoyed by the child.  And whatever joy that child has is to be for the child and the parent's to witness.  If a child can't take their gift where they want to, then is it really theirs?  Not in the child's eyes.  I've seen this first hand with many children and it's about the parents who put such a restriction on a child and a parent who does that are the one's drawing aline between each parent.  Things that seem small to a parent make a big statement to a child.

He's leaving very, very soon.  He's petitioning for special circumstances and will testify by phone or something like that.  We both still have council and his attorney probably won't speak to me.  The ink isn't even dry on the consent order.

Thank you for your advice ocean, it seems it's too late, he's already filed a motion.  He was unwilling to comprimise on an alternate schedule even though he told his lawyer i flatly refused (which I did not).  I don't think I can speak to the SM because he is very controlling and she would ultimately follow what he wanted.  The Ffather and SM live over 5 hours aways and his family lives a few states away and the SM's family lives a few states away.  The request is for the SM to have visitation, but to have her family and his family visit.

Well, I'm surprised at all the responses that my original post has received.  I've tried to read everything to understand all the different points of view on such a sensitive topic.  I, the CP, have tried to encourage a healthy relationship with the Step Mom (SM), NCP and myself.  I have never refused to allow contact with the child.  At this point the child is not aware of the NCP deploying, so does not have the feelings that her father is in any danger.  I do not express any ill feeling about the father in front of the child, because it is not the child's fault that we can't get along.  I have offered to have the SM still visit on a modified schedule, but this offer was refused.  I am not being vindictive and have not said i wouldn't allow any communication with the NCP's side of the family, however, I have not even been asked what I would willingly to do.  The request is either all or he will take me to court.  The NCP is vindictive in the way is has chosen to handle every issue that he decides to bring up.  It's always been I have to agree or he's going to take me to court.  He has constantly changed his own requests even after I had thought we had come to some kind of agreement.  I do not want my child to feel that she cannot talk to me about her father or anything else, I want her to be able to speak to me about any concerns and always try to answer or explain in such a way that makes sure she is happy.  I'm very aware that allot of people do not act in such a way and put their dislike of the other parent first, but I do not.  I have always tried to separate my personal feelings about the father from any decision i need to make.  The SM is not the one fighting the issue, it's the NCP.  I know how the constant back and forth travelling affects my child but cannot seem to convince the NCP that this situation has any effect at all on her.  Unfortunately, even when i try to discuss our views on a particular issue and how to handle it.  The NCP will take the opposite approach even after we agreed on something.  I'm not absolutely sure how the SM views everything that is going on, but for the NCP it is more about getting his way.  I have no reason to not help facilitate a relationship with his side of the family, but I'm also her mother and am trying to raise her and give her some kind of stability.  I'm the one who has to constantly reassure her that she's going to be coming home and that she's not going anywhere for a while.  As she get's older I can then explain more how things are, meaning, why is she going back and forth.  And I don't intend on explaining it in any way that would cause her any kind of stress or guilt, or that she had to choose between anyone.  My child's happiness is most important and a break from travelling everywhere, which is what they do, would be good for her.  I at no time said i wouldn't allow anyone to see or talk to her.  She's still young and still needs a mother's reassurance.  If a mother wasn't important then god wouldn't have set the world up this way.  I feel a step mom is a "mom" by the title given, meaning, a step mom is not the BM.  However, step parents are important figures in a step child's life.  They are like a mother, providing love and guidance to the step child.  But children still see the Father and the Mother as their parents.  There are situations when a child no longer identifies a SP as such, because the BP is not acting as such, and then the child identifies the SP as the real parent.  The NCP is not my ex and I do not have any issues with the SM and their relationship. It's the father that I have a problem with because he opposes everything I say or do.  Even when I tried to include him in a decision, I would tell him how I felt about it and like most people, they would tell you how they felt and then discuss it.  Instead of talking, he said I was controlling everything and dictating how I wanted him to do it.  Even a simple guideline as to her daily schedule was taken as a demand as to what he had to do, not that it was a simple guideline and if say she became fussy around a certain time it meant she was probably tired.  It has been like that for just about everything.  You know, I don't even know what she gets for christmas or her birthday...they won't tell me and nothing comes home with her.  She shouldn't have to live two completely seperate lives, but the only thing at this point that I feel I can do is answer her questions and talk about her father and SM in a positive way.

I've tried to address comments made and want to say that I am not trying to do anything other than what's best for my child. 
 

Thank you  for responding.

There are a few more details I'd like to share.  He will only be deployed for 4 months, visitation is already at least a week each month.  The request (demand) is to have the same schedule as if bf was home.  They plan on traveling during one of the visits. The original request was that our daughter would be with sm on christmas, but were willing to let me have her for christmas... I honestly and in complete good faith have encouraged an open relationship with bf, sm and myself.  my daughter has a hard enough time adjusting each time she comes home and i feel whenever i can give her a break from traveling back and forth I should. There are no other children and the bf and sm live out of state.  unfortunately, this whole converstation was held at a public place in front of our daugther and the first hint of my not agreeing the bf said there was a law and he would take me to court if i didn't agree.  I'm happy to offer for the sm to visit.  I already feel that she is away from home too much as it is, but it's what we could finally agree on to keep the bf from insisting on having a judge hear the case.  Unfortunately, there is never a response I can give to try to reason that would be understood by the bf because above all, having his way is the most important thing.

[COLOR=#NaNNaNNaN]Hello,

I'm not sure exactly where to begin.  I have a question regarding modification of a consent order signed in August 2009.  I guess i'll start with the basics.  The BF and I were never in a relationship.  Our child is now three and when she was about 5 months old, he filed a lawsuit against me because he wanted more time with her.  This more time meant her staying up past her bedtime by two hours and for me to stop breastfeeding so it wouldn't get in the way of him seeing her.  he wasn't suing me for custody, he just wanted more time with her.  up to that point, he saw her almost every day.  two and a half years later, we finally have a consent order.  he is now again threatening to take me to court if i don't agree to pass his visitation time to his wife while he's deployed.  The consent order only refers to him, so I'm not worried about that.  But, can he file for a modification and at what point do my attorney's and I get involved?  [/COLOR]
[COLOR=#NaNNaNNaN]Regards.[/COLOR]