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Well, I've been posting on here off and on for about 3.5 years. My DH has built up a VERY strong case for custody. He FINALLY was able to pay for an attorney and to file for custody in April. We have our first 2 hearings in August. BM and her attorney have tried to pull a LOT of crap in the last few months. There have been 3 meetings with the judge (basically our attorney and her attorney went in to talk to the judge regarding topics DH and BM didn't agree on. Kind of like a hearing, but not formal and no orders, just the judge telling the attorneys what to tell BM and DH. This includes BM saying she wouldn't release SD for DH's parenting time and the judge telling her if she didn't, he'd extend DH's parenting time). There is a hearing scheduled on July 10 for something unrelated to the custody hearing (BM doesn't want DH to continue SD's counseling during his parenting time.. She said he told her he was taking SD and didn't ask, but we have 2 emails showing he DID ask, and then after almost a month he finally just said he'd be setting it up since she never replied), one on July 18 for child support, and then 2 back-to-back days for hearings on August 2 and 3 for custody. They are the only ones scheduled for those days, so hopefully things can get figured out quickly given the evidence we have. When DH filed, he filed a TON of exhibits (I believe it went from A to GG?) showing how BM has neglected SD's educational, medical, and emotional needs. The judge told DH to tell him when DH could be in court and he'd set up a date immediately. We are hoping that is a good sign!

I'm going to reinforce what others have said on your other posts--many men are told NOT to pay support or visit until something is set through the Court, because whatever they pay and how often they visit could become permanent, even if it's more than or less than what would be ordered. Your baby is 4 months old, it's not like he is 6 and the father never visited. Even men who are WITH the child's mother sometimes need a while to adjust to having a baby and feeling comfortable taking care of the baby. Not everyone is born with the instinct to jump right in. Heck, even parents who have more than one child sometimes need that adjustment time. Not to mention that unless he has dealt with family court before, he probably has NO IDEA of his rights and assumes that you automatically get custody and that he couldn't stop you from taking the child out of the country.

As for child support, it's your child's right to have support from BOTH of his parents. And sorry to be blunt, but if you didn't want to deal with the cost of going to Court in the US, you shouldn't have move out of the US, especially before getting everything through the Court. Your son is a U.S. citizen, so Court will be in the US. What will you do if the father files in Court? You will have to be there for that. The speed that you made the decision and actually followed through with moving didn't give you time to think all this through. It seemed like a rash decision because you were upset with the father, but it's not something that should have been done without thinking of ALL the possibilities.

I would definitely try to keep it local if she does end up filing. My DH's ex changed the jurisdiction with his agreement (he is military--was in the same place for 6 years and then we got stationed overseas and BM was out of the state he was in). My DH had court papers filed by BM 3 months after the one Court hearing because it was cheaper and easier for her to file, given it's right there with her.

And I agree with keeping the child there with you all during his parenting time, even if she throws a fit about it. Once he stops giving in, sure she'll raise hell for a bit, but eventually she will get it that he's not giving in.

I hope everything works out for you guys!

We were wondering the same about cutting back on the school work. The teacher said she will be adding more work to it as they go until she's able to do it all. But right now, she's ranging from K-early 2nd grade level in everything (she's in 3rd, but should be in 4th, but she failed K). The teacher wants her to build her self-esteem by letting her get more right and slowly adding more and more. I don't know if that will work, but DH trusts the teacher because she's already done a lot to help SD in the last month and a half. (Got SD to an early 2nd grade level in reading from a late 1st grade level). This teacher has an excellent record, though, and for the last 5 years 100% of her students receive "above average" on the state testing... Though I'm not sure if that is the case this year with SD...

Regarding asking if she should be held back...We were wondering about that. At this school, 3rd grade and up can "fail"... Below third grade, it's up to the parents (parents can still choose at later years, as well, but the school doesn't "fail" anyone from K-2nd like her old school does). We are wondering if she will be on level. With the teacher lower her work, it will build her self esteem, but it may also put her on track to pass when she doesn't have all of the concepts and skills. For instance, they were working on reviewing subtraction up to 18 (i.e. 18 minus whatever). SD can't even do that And the teacher emailed today saying they are working on triple digit numbers for addition and subtraction. How can SD do that if she can't do it up to 18?

SD does have a 504 Plan, and the attachment to that plan says something along the lines of "We will have to see what progress is made with behavior modification, tutoring, counseling, and a nutritionist." (All of these were recommended by the doctor, which is why BM told the school...The nutritionist is because SD was super skinny to the point the doctor we took her to this summer said if she was ANY more underweight, they'd be concerned that she wasn't receiving proper nutrition. She gained 9 lbs with us this summer eating 3 regular meals a day and 2 snacks at home...)...The "attachment" is a minutes thing from one of the meetings. My DH asked the principal for copies of other minutes, but she said that they were attached to the 504 Plan...I don't know how often they do those meetings. He asked at the beginning of the year, so there might be more. The teacher and school have been really good about keeping DH in the loop. So much so that he felt the need to write to the district to tell them how great the school was with helping SD and keeping him involved.

The teacher (and school) sends recommendations to BM directly in separate emails from DH's. DH just discusses the issues SD is having, and then the teacher/school counselor will tell him what they want to do. DH will forward the emails and try to discuss it and BM ignores it until she gets their emails...And then she emails DH trying to twist what they said. Example: With the behavior modification therapy, before it was recommended by the doctor, she emailed DH and CCd the teacher and school counselor and said "I spoke with TEACHER and SCHOOL COUNSELOR, and they agreed with me that SD's behaviors are medication related and not behavior modification related."... He IMMEDIATELY received emails (CCd to BM) from the teacher and school counselor stating they did NOT say that, and they RECOMMENDED behavior modification therapy, a nutritionist, and tutoring. This was when BM wanted SD's medication increased and DH was saying no (SD was having trouble sleeping and she was losing so much weight that in less than a month her once tight clothes were HUGE on her). Until she got that email, she was denying allowing the tutoring and behavior modification therapy. She told them she'd do it (hence being in the 504 Plan attachment) but never followed through.

I will tell him that maybe he should ask if there is someone available for after school tutoring. Of course, BM will flip a lid if he does that, because "It's my parenting time and I set the appointments during my time."...Maybe he should ask HER to ask about it?

How should he approach the school about what is going on? He tries very hard to NOT badmouth BM, but it's hard to say "It's been recommended but it's not being followed" without putting blame on her or making it seem like he's calling her a bad parent for not following recommendations...

He sent the "nice" version of the letter here already to the counselor, so I guess DH needs to go to the more strong-toned one. He didn't want to get off on a bad foot with the counselor, but really, what else can he do if she is unwilling to communicate with him? This crap happens EVERY time BM gets to someone before us (meaning, is able to introduce herself and "explain" the situation...her version, anyway). If DH is able to introduce himself first, they see he's a good guy trying to be involved in his child's life. If BM introduces herself first, he's made out to be some long-lost guy who just needs to pay the bills...

It's so hard when it's OBVIOUS BM isn't taking care of SD's needs and has no drive to help her. BM was a substitute teacher AND a tutor for a few years(and she went to college for an education degree... don't think she ever got it, though...), yet she can't take the time to help her own child...

Ok, I thought so but read so many of these....lol

Since you are out of the country, your hands are tied to a point. If she has a lawyer you can try to deal with her that way. Doctors, each month send the same letter requesting any records for the month and also request if she was not seen or missed appointments. If you make nice with the doctor secretary, she may tell you about appts on phone.

School- Fine line. They can suggest outside counseling and tutoring but it is really a parental decision. Now if child is failing and no homework for extended period of time, they can put in educational neglect but they wont go after her for the outside missed appointments. If she comes to school without taking her medicine often they can report that.

Really you are collecting data for when you return. Is there an after school program she can attend and you can offer to pay for it or pay a tutor to stay with her at school for an hour (teacher?) and do homework and study? Use the school as a resource but really this is a parental issue at mom's house.

We have been providing tutoring at no cost to BM since February, but it hasn't been used. The grades are really poor, ranging from 45-65% on average. The teacher is cutting back how much work SD does (by HALF) so that SD can get good grades.

With the other stuff (and the tutoring), it was recommended by her doctor and BM is COed to follow doctor recommendations but she isn't (which is why he wants to contact her about it). It's been 2 weeks since the last missed appointment and no appointments have been made yet. SD has been back for 2.5 months and has made it to one appointment, which was just the therapist playing with her since she hadn't seen her since June. DH is on good terms with the staff at the primary doctor, dentist, orthodontist, and optometrist (and the school), but the counselor refuses to contact him. I'm assuming that BM lied and said he had no rights or didn't list him. But he sent the CO with his letters/faxes, so I would THINK they would give him the information. But until he gets through to that counselor, he won't have any records from them.

For now, we are documenting what we can, and trying to find a way to make things work in SD's favor while we are away.

A thought struck me.....how long has the school been dealing with this?  Are they getting at all frustrated with BM and her lack of involvement and refusal to get SD the help she needs?  Are they willing to put their money where their mouth is and go after her for negligence?  Because it seems to me that if they are fully aware that BM is flat out refusing to get any help whatsoever for SD and it is truly affecting her education (which we know it is), then they should be reporting her for neglect.  They are mandatory reporters....they are bound by law to report it.

I'm honestly not sure. I don't think the teachers/school know BM isn't doing the behavior modification, counseling, and tutoring that they recommended. BM has been telling the teacher that SD has the appointments, but fails to mention she's not taking her to them... The teacher did set it up for SD to do in-school tutoring for reading, though, and mentioned that SD needs to be doing her homework every night (apparently she hasn't been...). What happens is DH talks with the teacher or school counselor, they give a recommendation to HIM, he brings it to BM, she ignores it, they finally say to her that they've been talking with DH about it, she says she'll do it, but never does. She just lets them think she is doing it. The same goes with the doctor--they think SD has been seeing the counselor, but she hasn't. We aren't sure if he should mention it to anyone... He doesn't want them in the middle, but he wants SD to get help...

her husband is active duy military stationed overseas I believe in Japan.....due to rotate back in the spring, with no potential base for an assignmen close except for recruiter duy.

Wow, mixedbag! You have a great memory! lol. Yes, we are in Japan right now. We are due to move back in April/May (which may end up being moved to June/July, sadly, because of some training DH needs here and isn't available until April), and he has orders to MO, so we can't be there for the appointments (although we are hoping to file for primary after our return once we have a house). DH is staying on top of it all, though, as much as he can, given the counselor won't reply to any of his letters, emails, etc.

DH approached BM regarding the missed appointments before, and her response was "I do not have to answer to you." and then went on to say (repeating herself) "If something comes up in my life I don't have to answer to you. I don't have to tell you nor do I have to come up with a plan and tell you that." (He asked if there was a plan in place to help make sure that SD gets to her appointments)...EVERY SINGLE TREATMENT that DH requested was denied, and even when it's recommended by others, she puts it off as much as possible. DH doesn't want to give BM notice he'll file for a show cause hearing, as every time in the past he's told her what he will do, she files some stupid paperwork with the Court/FOC or a complaint with the FOC (all of which go DH's way in the end). We just don't want to deal with frivilous crap right now. lol.

We have learned not to rely on BM for information. She emailed him this morning to tell him that there was going to be a dental appointment (she said "This is a reminder about SD's dental appointment", but she had never previously told him about the appt.....) and that there was going to be a parent teacher conference. She's COed to give him advanced notice, but never does. She's also COed to provide him with a copy of report cards in a timely manner, and she got that today. She told DH "I'll be sure to have the teacher contact you about what we discussed.". She won't even tell him how SD is doing. Thankfully, he's in contact with the teacher 2-3 times a week (moreso than BM, even).  The teacher emails DH more than DH emails BM. He and the teacher are working on finding strategies that will work with SD's ADHD, and at the end of almost every email where she tells him what she will do for the problem(s) SD is having, she writes "I'll email SD's mother to let her know what I have decided to do." He learned long ago not to depend on her, but given the time it takes for mail to get from us to them and back, it's hard to keep on top of records (the doctor's office doesn't have email, and we don't have fax...). It took almost 2 months for records to get here this last time between processing times and the time it was en-route. But, yeah, he knows not to depend on her even though she's COed to provide information.

DH has a few issues...Most being BM giving wrong information or no information...But the BIG issue is not following doctor recommendations... In October 2009, DH had to get it COed that BM follow doctor recommendations relating to testing and treatment of ADHD. In April (and again in May), the doctor recommended counseling, behavior modification therapy, and tutoring. BM has done NONE of it. SD has been to 3 appointments with a counselor, all of which were just the counselor playing with SD because the appointments weren't close to one another. BM keeps changing and missing appointments, and about 2 weeks ago, DH got an email saying "Something came up so SD didn't get to her appointment. I'll let you know when she starts going again." Mind you, SD is supposed to be getting treatment for depression in addition to her ADHD. We figured out WHY she doesn't want to go to the counseling--DH got copies of records from SD's primary doctor, with the paperwork pertaining to the depression state that she cries multiple nights a week for DH. Given that BM tries to limit time with DH, obviously she wants no one to be told by SD that she wants MORE time...But SD NEEDS treatment for depression. The behavior modification can be done by the same counselor, but BM doesn't want to do that. And the tutoring that was recommended, DH has been providing online tutoring since February, and not ONCE was it logged in to while with BM, even though BM has the information.

There was also an entry in one of the appointment records that SD should have taken a break from her medication during the summer. DH would have gladly kept her off of it, since he doesn't like the side effects it's having on her weight and sleep. BM NEVER told DH, so SD stayed on her medication.

Anyway, the counseling, behavior modification, and tutoring were recommended in April and in May by the doctor, and they have also been recommended by the teachers and school counselor, AND they are included in the 504 Plan (stating they would need to see the progress from tutoring and behavior modification therapy). BM has told DH that "I don't answer to you." when he mentioned to BM that she is missing/skipping/cancelling more appointments than she's made...She also told DH "It wasn't recommended by anyone. It was just said that it'd be a good idea." (Here's your sign!!!!) How can DH approach an email/letter about recommendations not being followed? Even though she's COed to follow recommendations, she NEVER does....If he writes to her (and CC's her attorney) and she STILL doesn't follow through with the recommendations, would filing for a Show Cause even work? What I mean is, will they take it seriously? It's her mental health and education that is suffering here, and BM doesn't seem to care!!!!

Okay, so we can file them as exhibits and then use that information for testimony/questioning. That's fine...It's what we thought we'd have to do. I was just worried we'd have to have the school and/or doctors involved, because we try not to put them in the middle...

Bloom -- you still might have to get a doctor to testify WHAT they wrote -- and the schools and stuff.

Your CP is not going to let custody go easily....SO expect to hear that the other side objects to the entry of evidence without the authenticating person being available to testify and be cross examined.

Shucks. We were hoping to keep everyone out of it as much as possible. Oh well, though. If that's what it takes!

Okay, so we can file them as exhibits and then use that information for testimony/questioning. That's fine...It's what we thought we'd have to do. I was just worried we'd have to have the school and/or doctors involved, because we try not to put them in the middle...