Messages

Thanks Gem!
And yes, after I found this board I took your earlier advice to another person and bought Divorce Poison.
Its been very helpful in knowing how to inocculate and respond.
I think Im going to get a lot out of the web link you gave me.
cannot thank you enough.

I opted after it happened for a cheaper, low tech solution. I changed the locks and kept the keys. I feel awful not giving my son and daughter keys, because the fact of the matter is, as many of you parents know, the kids might need access when Im not home for school books and homework and the like that are left in my house by accident. The problem has been that Ive gotten those calls putting me in a spot of having to run out of work for a half hour to get a bookbag or have that refusal "documented for use". Sadly, I work at a very 'old school' company and popping out to get my kid's homework simply isnt an option if I want to keep my job. So the kids come back propagandized that I "dont care how they do in school" and "put work over them" in my priorities.
as many of you have likely discovered, there are no "good enough" answers for fathers.
On a side note, HOW do ex spouses find the energy to stay so angry for so long? How does one stay focused on the NEED to punish someone for ten years? Really, what is someone telling themselves when they are planting a recording device on a child?
How does one square that its "for them" when you coach them before recording 'good night' calls?
Seriously, I do not get it.

Instructed to get pics of empties in trash by lawyer.
Not on property, from street, in response to denial there is drinking, also denied rehab until I stood there with proof.

a stalker I am not.
I am not taping private conversations
Im not sending recorders in the kid's pants.
(and while I didnt mention it, my son's house key goes missing and then I come home from work to find my custody files missing from inside my home)
guess people do hear what they want to.
Thanks for the input though, always good to get every read on anything.

Brief Version:
1) Live in Married (to someone else) BF smokes and has drinking problem (evidenced by Rehab visits, episode at hospital vomiting blood involving police.) Still drinks. Still smokes Photos of many many bottles in trash- they now hide bottles so I cannot take pictures.
2) Mother exposes children to alchohol. Son demonstrates that he has 'bartended' at parties. Serves or carries drinks for 'sips'. Have written drink recipes in son's handwriting.
3) Stories of sleeping on floors at 'parties' while with mother.
4) Mother does not inform of treatments with non-dr therapist, children told to keep appts secret. Contrary to custody.
5) excessive absence in mother's custody time
6) Over 7 detentions hidden and signed for by mother, children instructed not to inform as I "wouldnt understand" Similar MO with hiding tests and other school info.
7)Accusations by BF's daughter claim of sexual misconduct by my son covered up by mother. Case was presented to CYS but age diff and other issues had dismissed but still, I was not informed and had to confront to get answer after I already found out. Have evidence from both BF wife and my ex email admiting she never told me.
Usual list of hiding or obfuscating medical info, refusing medical care (concussion), taking son with Pnumonia on ski trip where he broke wrist, she didnt want to miss ski trip, even though I offered to take care of son.
9) Usual list of scheduling activities that I would have to fullfill on my custody time, signing on and telling children before informing or discussing with me, arranging for away camp on my week, etc etc.
10) Encouraged and scripted false allegations of emotional abuse dismissed by CYS as false.
11) Denial of scheduled custody time, needed police to secure return of children.
12) Phone records to show pattern of denial of phone contact with children as specified.
13) Placed hidden recording device on childr before returning to custody to tape me in my home. When son said he did not feel it was right, mother told him to give device to his sister if he did not "have the guts"
14) after confiscating device found, among other things, tapes of mother preparing and taping children's good night calls (against law here) in some cases kids preped to say provacative things to get my reaction. When, on two occasions I asked about noise or odd bkgd sound, tape was turned off or call terminated immediately. BTW- proud that never took the bait or said anything wrong, never would)
15) demeaning and mocking behavior by live in BF to son. Mother enforces BF punishments for "disrespect" like eating one of bowl of BF chips: Punishment: weekend in room.

So why isnt this open and shut?
and no, I have no record. Yes, I have been a veritable boyscout for the last 20 years. Evidence of school and sport envolvement, consistant homework parent, have hired babysitter ONCE in 10 years. I will be honest, they have me dead to rights on ONE thing: I was ill and fell asleep while my son was at school dance, late to pick him up.ONE TIME.
C'mon folks, what am I doing wong?

Im not a lawyer, and I cannot offer advice.
What I can say is that You are Definitely Not Alone.
the first paragraph sounded like I or a dozen other fellows I know could have written it, virtually word for word.
It doesnt take long for an ex inclined to do so to realize that, as the mother, they can pull all sorts of alienating behavior. And all youll do if your an informed decent father, is take it and fight the uphill battle, overcome the roadblocks, spend time gently mending manipulated feelings, etc.
For some pointers buy the book 'Divorce Poison'. It will guide you well if you really follow it.
But ten years in with my 50/50 threatened yet again and half my time spent cleaning up after whatever mud gets thrown, Id advise setting a limit and when its passed, take action. And document everything, not that the matriarchal system will pay attention to evidence, but you can always try.

After a polite clarification that seemed to annoy the evaluator, I let it go and trusted for the best. Seven or eight session passed. The sessions with the kids are over, I was told the final two would be for her feedback and reconcilliation. When I again 'politely' reminded her that I was promised time and was concerned it would be too late, I was told she was "well aware of my concerns....."
Well, I did email the packet which contained concerns I had not ever had time to articulate with references to evidence.
The reply was that I needed to send a copy to my ex (and thus her lawyer).
Oddly, she didnt need to send a list of her verbal accusations to my lawyer so we could better prepare.
I complied and was told they would be read and I would be afforded time to address my concerns in the Second to Last Session.
(with no sessions with the kids to verify or even get a feel for these issues)
as far as my lawyer: when I first brought it up it was "too early, give her a chance", now its probably too late (a catch 22 I will pay 2 or 300 dollars to be informed of.
If I sit quiet and let it go, misconceptions flower and real issues are ignored, If I speak up, even, and I mean POLITELY, it gets terse and Im combative and defensive.
I went into this knowing I had a mountain of evidence that Id done nothing wrong and a similar mountain that things were far from proper at the other residence, and I mean biggies. I could not lose as long as I was heard, I thought.
well guess again.
advice?

Thank You, That is just what I will do.

There was a meeting with both of us to get our "concerns" out. Gotta admit, the ex ran the table waving the bloody flag with allusions to all sorts of new abuse, no actual events just insinuations, and I never got around to my bundle of documented concerns. I was told we would have time to address my concerns at a later meeting which has been put off several times and is now being "combined" with a feedback session where, Im told, we will broach "some co-parenting issues". Which seems like the fruition of the concern I voiced at the time; that we would have moved on to some enforced resolution before my very real concerns were aired, making my allegations appear obstructionist to getting on with the settlement.
Now that the ex has burned out her allegations she is very eager to get to some resolution and block anything I have from seeing the light of day.

"This court finds that [Siohvaughn Wade] has embarked on an unstoppable and relentless pattern of conduct for over two years to alienate the children from their father, and lacks either the ability or the willingness to facilitate, let alone encourage, a close and continuing relationship between them," read a portion of the ruling entered by Judge Renee G. Goldfarb.

I think that part is crucial.  Also his response to it has been classy. 

never followed basketball but I have a new hero!
That said, with his money I could prevail too, I think.
Id like to think that lodging false abuse claims hurt her case too.

The quote from the Judge has to be a direct result of her behavior including "lodging false abuse claims".  I don't think it hurt her case, I think it destroyed her case.  He shouldn't be a hero simply because he won and she lost.  He's a hero because this took years and he never gave up and never stooped to her level and when he won, he showed great concern for making sure his kids understood what it meant BEFORE allowing it to be announced in the media AND he showed great sportsmanship and class in not beating her down in the media and still voicing an expectation of coparenting with her. 

Ok, I maybe presumed that we all on this board wererooting for what is best for our little ones.
Let me say it more clearly...
He is my new hero because he kept at it
he is my hero because he stands as a high profile precedent that fathers are legitimate parents, who, in lots of situations, are as good or better than moms.
Because he has a demanding work schedule but still makes sure he is a father as a priority, showing a world that doesnt think we exist that we do.
Because he can "win" and still want his kids to have contact with their mother.
Not to inject my own case, but I want the ex to have all the time she can to give them all the wonderful stuff they can absorb from her, but not a spare moment to alienate or lapse into a less than appropriate behaviour.
Not just because he 'won'
but remember, you have to really love parenting to sincerely attempt to do it as a SECOND full time job.
sorry if I read as anything else.

Can anyone help me to understand whats going on?
We are in evaluation stage. Originally faced a boatload of horrible and pattently false emotional abuse allegations. All were so horribly off-base that Ive been able to gather the paperwork to disprove every single one (when people make things up do they assume there's no such thing as medical, school or phone records) not to mention witnesses and therapist letter and kids not onboard with it.
But the thing I do not get is how no one is talking about abuse anymore but the kids and I are getting a lot of questions regarding other issues like what they eat every day? ( fish, chicken, whole grains and lots of veggies) what kind of heat is in my house? the murals on their walls? the chores they do? etc. I feel like this evaluator is looking for a reason, and just keeps looking... really, its gone very far afield (the colors of my walls? the names of the childrens books we read, where we sit for dinner).
Meanwhile Ive got oddles of tangible proof of issues from alchohol abuse, smoking to the "creepy" (the kids word, not mine) behavior of the live in BF that is alone with them at tmes to the imfamous taping device (I wont bore everyone with a rehash) and hiding vital information.
Yet no questions about that/or her.
Maybe Im wrong but I feel like the last line on her form is filled out (where it says all in all they still dont belong with me for primary) and the endless probe is just trying to justify a predetermined outcome.
Can anyone on the other side explain this?