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I keep it simple and I take my child out of the mix.  I had to deal with the same type of stupidity as well.

I sent my ex an email explaining to her what I allow in my house.  I told her she can call my son every evening if she liked but during the day his cell is going to remain off.  I told her the constant texting and phone calls are interfering my visitation. She of course exploded with threats saying the courts will not like my keeping her child from her.  I simply replied.....file a motion and let's find out.

Advancing your career could be considered a change in circumstance but I really doubt it would carry any weight with the courts allowing you to take the kids.  While the best interest of the kids is supposed to be the courts main concern it will be very difficult for you to sway a judge to allow you to remove the kids since your families are there.   They will have take into account that when you move it will be just you and the kids.  While if they stay it will be the father, kids, all other family, friends and the life they have always known. 


I think the best course of action here is to see if you can get your ex to agree to some sort of arrangement.  No court is going to give 50/50 custody with an 800 mile gap.

I am assuming that she is going to utilize the change in circumstance clause to try to get custody. 

First things first....get an attorney....and shop around while you do so.  If you interview an attorney and they tell or even hint that you can't win thank them for their time and move on. You are going to need to get an attorney that will actually fight on your behalf.

The law states "in the best interest of the child"  but that may not always be the case. Judges are human as well and it is not easy to get custody over a mother.

You need to document, document, document all that is going on.  You need to show that it is in the best interest of the children to remain with you.  While the boyfriend issue causes a concern with most people the law looks at things differently.  Unless the boyfriend has been charge with anything related to children I think the judge will  say it is irrelevant.  If he is no longer on probation I don't think you will be able to bring it up.

You need to focus on you being the primary caregiver. Everything you do for the care of your child needs to be documented and brought up.  That in emergencies your ex has not been available you have been.   You need to mention the commute as well. If your ex is going to be living 90 miles from her job how is that going to affect the care of your children?  From what I can tell her schedule is going to be very flexible and she is not going to be able to state where she actually is going to be from time to time.  That may be a good thing to point out since you have the stability that she may not be able to provide. 

Focus on school as well.  How different are the schools your children are going to be attending. If the school you are zoned for is going to be a lot better than the one where your ex will be living that also can come into play.

Also, try not to focus on the boyfriend.  That may turn this thing bitter because your ex will not like to be told what to do with her personal life.  Then it will not be about the kids and to be honest the judge will not care about your ex's personal relationship or yours for that matter......but.....it could be a benefit for your because of stability...your home is bigger (meaning more bedrooms) where each child could still have their own room.  You need to the little things to add up to make your bigger picture better than hers.

Send her an email, text message and voicemail all telling her what time you will be picking up your daughter.  Mention in these messages that the court order does not specify a time in when you can pick your daughter.  That you would appreciate her cooperation in this.  Let her know that you will show with a constable and will expect her father to turn your child over to you.

If she does not comply you will need to take her back to court.  However this time I would suggest that you ask for a change in the visitation as well as make up time.  Get in the order that you would like the right of first refusal.  That if she will be away for more than 8 hours than she has to offer your the right to take your daughter first.

I take offense to Simplydad's statement..."so he had an affair".  It's that type of nonchalant attitude that makes people think it's ok to have affairs...it's no big deal.  But you've learned the hard way that it is a big deal and that it does hurt more than just your wife.

I think you tend to overreact.  You took one sentence and made that the point of my entire post.  You focused on one thing and then made a very inaccurate assumption just as you were quick to judge the OP. My wording could have been better but my thoughts and feelings on having an affair are not as you stated "nonchalant'. I don't recall saying anywhere that it was OK to have an affair. I even went mentioned that I did not condone the behavior. 

It seems to me that YOU didn't have the children's best interest in mind when you destroyed two families with your affair.


I fully understand how your STBX feels, her world has been totally decimated by the selfish acts of the person that she trusted most.  How on earth can you think she would be able to trust that you have even the slightest care for your children when you destroyed their lives??


It doesn't matter what the issues were in the marriage YOU are 100% at fault for having an affair and now you want to continually throw your affair and the other woman in her face?  You are a cruel and heartless man!!


Are there any other private schools in the area?  Or perhaps it would be best for you and your affair partner move to a different area?  Put YOUR children's needs first...or are you too selfish to do that?

You don't know this person yet you seem to think it is ok to come here and just say everything is his fault.  So he had an affair....he knows he was wrong and admitted it.  He is not hiding behind what he done.  I do not condone his behavior but I also do not know the entire story either so I am not going to sit here and pass complete judgement.

We are known for telling it how it is on this forum and from reading your post I don't see anything that is even remotely helpful. All you did was pass judgment.

He is the child's father and has as much right to make decision and be with the child as does the mother.  I have not read or heard a single thing that suggests rumple was a bad father.  He may be the worst husband on the planet right now but that has nothing to do with his ability to be a father to his children.

How is what the mother is doing by completely uprooting the children and putting them in another school any different?   What she is doing is no less selfish because she is doing it because she does not want to deal with the supposed embarrassment.  Her decision is based on her and not the children.  Both husband and wife are affected by this.  He has admitted remorse and he also will have to deal with the embarrassment of his actions and people looking at him knowing he screwed up.

What should happen here is that the parents sit down and talk to the kids.  Let them know that both parents love them dearly and some mistakes were made.  Let them know that in no way is anything their fault and they are working to resolve this issue as best they possibly can.   That if they feel upset or hear things to come talk to them about it.  Right now both parents need to be active in the child's life. The need to know that no matter what both parents will always be there for them. 

Joint custody should be automatic.  When you go to your hearing make sure you print all the evidence you have that shows you have made attempts to see your children but your wife STBX has refused.  A judge is not going to like the fact she has kept the kids from you. 

I am assuming there are not exstinuating circumstances that cause her to keep the kids from you.  Has she given a reason as to why she is not letting you see the kids?  What are the ages?

At a minimum you should get standard visitation which is at least 1st, 3rd and 5th weekends.  As I mentioned earlier you should get joint custody which gives you right to make the same decisions you STBX does.  If she asks for sole custody you will need to object to that.

What state are you in? Do you have an attorney?

She is now saying that she doesn't want the kids to go the same school because they may hear about my affair with another parent at the school. I think the damage of switching from a small private school to a large public school would be more substantial than the potential of a rumor getting back to them.

That still is not a good enough reason to move the children to another school.  She is making the assumption that the children will be talking about adult matters with other children and that just does not make any sense.  Teachers and staff would get in a lot of trouble if they had discussions with children like that. 

The only thing that only matters is if it is in the best interest of the children to move them to another school.  Is the school the mother wants to move them to better academically? Which school has the better student to teacher ratio? What will impact the kids more, completely uprooting them from the school they have known for a long time and all their friends or finding out about the actual reason you guys are divorcing?

Children are a lot more intelligent than many people actually give them credit for.  Have you and your STBX ever had a discussion about the affair in the home while the children were in the house?  I don't mean actually in the same room but in the house.  If they were I would fathom a guess that they may actually already know. Another thing I have learned is that you will be suprised how much children actually hear.  They tend to ignore normal conversation but if they know you are whispering don't be suprised if you find out they were at your door listening to what you were saying even though you think you were quiet.

Your STBX does not have carte blanche authority on decisions even if she has custody.  It is actually standard in custody that you just can't disenroll kids from school.   

You need to get orders that outline you have joint custody.  If you do not she can do what she want. 

If you are in the middle of divorce proceedings than you will need temporary orders.  Each parent has the right to make decsions such as this and at some point a line will need to be drawn.

You are going to need to go to court and get temporary orders to stop it.  The thing that is required to be taken into account is what is in the best interest of the children.  Adult issues need to kept between the adults but that is often easier said than done.

Your STBX is going to lose in this instance.  Private schools tend to have better educational programs than public schools.  I am not saying this to put down public schools as most of us probably went to public schools and many of them are great.   But private schools can offer so much more if it is a very good school.

Child support remains until the child is 18 or graduated from high school whichever is latest.

The support order should spell out the only way child support is stopped.  Unless the child has got married I don't think it would stop.