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Seething is an understatement!!  She was beyond pissed!!! LOL!!!

The irony about it too is that she was trying to get childcare expenses but I shut her down on that too!  The reason being that she is a teacher!  Her and the kids are on the same schedule and to add to that my son attends the school she works at.  So she doesn't even have to send someone to pick him up!  My daughter is in preschool at another school but school will be over in 2 weeks and once that happens, she too will be attending her school so she will have both kids going into work with her and leaving with her at the end of the day.  So when she said that I immediately was like "what?!" "$800 a month for childcare, for what!!!"  The judge immediately ordered a recess for her to talk to her lawyer and when they came back they then asked for $100 dollars a month just incase she needed to hire a babysitter.  I gladly gave it to her because the base amount was still significantly less than what I was already giving her.

I'm telling you guys, god works in mysterious ways and he does not like ugly. 

Kitty you know the surprising thing when it comes to her is that with all of the craziness she surrounds herself with she is still capable of acheiving things that other people normally wouldn't.

You would never look at her and her family and believe that she is a teacher with a master's degree working towards her doctorate.  She parties constantly and her family goes right along with her.  It's pretty amazing.  So when she says she will be getting this degree she will get it.

I do agree with you though that eventually her luck will run out and her partying drinking and smoking weed will catch up to her and ruin everything she worked for.  I wouldn't wish it upon her because my kids will suffer but the truth is the truth.

Yes!  Everything went wonderful.  Thanks for asking.

The judge was very fair I have to say.  The court ended up giving her less than I was already giving her which was a big win for me.

She walked in with a lawyer which surprised me because she is always claiming to be broke and suddenly she could afford a lawyer?  It's no wonder my kids had been coming over looking dishevled, it was because she's probably paying astounding fees to this so called lawyer who ended up settling for less than what I was already giving her voluntarily.

I will now go ahead and fight for joint legal custody.  I did try to negotiate a deal with her outside of court through her lawyer where I would get the kids every other week as opposed to every weekend and STILL pay her child support.  The lawyer said he would speak to her but when he called he said there was no talking to her and that she did not want to agree to that arrangement.  Even her own lawyer thought she was crazy for not taking the deal and told me to "do what I had to do".  The reason being that if I get joint physical custody I don't have to pay her as much child support because I would have them half the time. 

Now I will have the chance to speak on all of the things that are going on with my kids care that I disagree with.  Such as the kids sharing a bed.  The kids claiming that she is smoking in the house around them.  The mom leaving my kids with the alcoholic grandmother for her to go on party vacations.

I could go on forever.

The funny thing is that she is now going for her 30 credits past her masters degree.  For teachers, this automatically bumps up her salary to $90,000 which means that when we go back to court in two years, I will be giving her less than I am giving her now since her salary gets factored into the 25%.  Before this whole ordeal, I did not know that the court took her salary into consideration when calculating the figures.

I would've given her what I was giving her for the remainder of my children's childhood years but she wanted this, she brought us and our kids into the court system.  I don't see a reason why I would not get joint custody when compared to her and her family.  Her family is a disaster.  Her brother is a drug dealer & her mother an alcoholic.  She herself is a boarderline alcoholic.  I have the facebook posts to prove it.  And these are the types of people she is leaving my children with.

I am very happy, I feel vindicated and no longer like I am the one being taken to the chopping block.  I am now ready to fight for my kids and become proactive with this whole situation.  Along with custody will come the divorce and hopefully with that freedom.  I just want to be a father to my children.  Nothing more nothing less.

Okay thanks everyone for your help...it is very much appreciated.  D-day is tomorrow.  Wish me luck!

no I have saved everything via text...after this whole court situation we are not able to have a verbal conversation even if we tried.

I even have texts where she wishes I be killed on the job and that I'm going to hell.  I am a NYC Police Officer.  She says this to me in just regular conversation for no reason, I really think she is crazy. 

Wow Simplydad that was a great answer!!!  I wish I would've thought of it.  I felt bad and caved and sent her the money...court is on Wednesday so after this week I guess I will know exactly what I have to give her.

Also, do you know if they take figures based on my salary or salary plus overtime since overtime is not guaranteed?

I also just moved to a bigger apartment so that when I have them they have their own rooms.  Currently my son and daughter are sharing a room and bed at their mother's house they are 4 & 7.

Will the judge take that into consideration (the new place where they each have their own room?), will they even give me a chance to make my case before they do the math?

I spend a lot of money on them even after giving their mother money.  I'm wondering if this is something that they take into consideration.

I tried to stop making payments to her and immediately she says that she has no groceries and that the kids were counting on her to take them to toys r us with the money I give her.  How could I deny my children food and toys?  Its easier said than done to stop giving her money.  I really wish I could but it hurts me to think that my kids are going without if I don't give her the money she is used to getting from me.

On another note I have a question:

If we are still married, I would like to know how does the court determine child support if custody still isn't established?

Our first court date is 2 days away, and I'm a mess.  I don't know what do expect and it's driving me crazy.

Any information on what I can expect would be really helpful.

----Do you have proof of your payments to the BM?  Make sure you take that to the court.

Yes everything is done electronically via wire transfer so EVERY single payment is documented.  I also save every single receipt.  Even if I buy them a underwear I save the receipt.

----Have either of you filed for the divorce?  Do you have proof of her neglect?  How old are the children?

I only have witnesses to the neglect but no concrete proof.  Like instead of packing a bag with the kids clothing for one of our weekends, she sent a huge bag of dirty laundry and my GF and I spent the entire day washing every single piece of clothing those kids own.  After that I decided to keep the clothes that I bought them at my residence so that she wouldn't have to pack a bag.  None of us have filed for the divorce.  When she left she said she would and I was sort of waiting on her.  Now she just recently filed for CS, so I'm pretty sure divorce will follow soon.  The kids are 4 (girl) and 7 (boy)

----Most of your complaints a judge will consider a "difference in parenting styles" and not really care about.  About the only red flag issue is the children sleeping in the same bed.

Do you really think that's an issue?  I thought so too but I thought I was just being paranoid. 

----I had a co-worker from NY that was able to get his CS reduced because he had taken on the majority of the debt.  Bring proof that you're paying for that. 

I am paying for every outstanding debt we had as a couple and I'm just hoping to god that the judge will allow that in court.  She is basically getting a free ride, a free degree, free trips to vegas...this is just insane.
----If your CS does go up then stop paying for the other debts and demand that she pay them or at least 50% of them.

Can this be done in child support court or do we have to wait until divorce papers are filed?

----In custody situations its always best to aim high and then settle for what you wish...in this case possible Join Custody.  Since you have the room for the children and provide most of their financial needs you have a good case for full custody.  This is one time where having a lawyer can really make a difference!!  Always...always...always focus on what is best for the children.

Yes I would be happy with JPC but even happier with FC.  however, regardelss of the mother's shortcomings the kids adore their mother and I don't want to cause the kids any harm emotionally.  They are not completely neglected they just could be taken care of a lot better.

----Good luck!  I too hope Ocean comes around...she is the resident expert on NY CS

Thank you giggles that was really helpful.

I said visiting because I hardly consider spending weekends with me as living with me, I want more time but the mom won't give me that.  She prefers the weekends so that she can go out and party.  When I insist on time during the week she flat out says no.

And did you miss the part where I said I just moved into a 4 bedroom apartment so that my children and my girlfriends child will have they're own space?  I did that for them so that they could feel like it was home when they come spend the weekend with me and not just "visiting".

As for starting a new relationship...yes I'm not divorced but my wife left me.  If it were up to me I would've worked it out till the very end.  She chose to up and leave me and take the kids.  I never expected to move on as quickly as I did but fate brought a wonderful person in my life who is helping me pick up the pieces and we fell in love.  How could I say no to that?  Yes it's not the ideal situation but she loves my kids and helps me take good care of them when they are with us.  I really think my new relationship is irrelevant and what is most important are these kids and how I am going to get joint physical custody at the very least.

I would love to get full custody but I really think that's unrealistic, however would be ecstatic if I got my kids full time.  Especially now I don't think I could afford it.

New York law says they take 25% for two children which calculates into half of my check.  I mean I don't know what else they take into consideration to come up with the figure.  I guess that's what I'm really trying to find out here.  What am I to face once we go to court.

thank you for your response.

My wife and I have been separated for a little over a year now.  Her choice not mine.  When we separated I thought it was on good terms.  We agreed on a fair amount of CS to be deposited in her account every paycheck for our 2 children 7 and 4.  She also said she would never take me to court because she knew I loved my kids and would always take care of them.

I am now in a relationship with someone new.  She is great with the kids and supportive.  However, after a trip that my new relationship and I went on my ex suddenly decides she wants to take me to court.  I am completely blindsided by this since I always deposited the agreed upon amount and in addition I buy the kids new clothes everytime they are with me (which is usually every weekend or every other weekend).  I also pay for extra curricular activities (karate and dance) and medical expenses (including hers since she is still technically my wife).

My court date is June 8 and I am terrified because from what I hear they are most likely going to take half my check.  I recently moved us all (my girlfriend, her son, and my kids) into a new apartment so that each child will have their own bedrooms when they came to visit.  I am also paying off HER student loans as I help her retain her master's degree during our marriage and when we split I decided I would still pay them off for her.  Not to mention other loans we took out during our marriage, I am also paying ALONE.

I am a police officer in NYC (17 years on the job).  She is a teacher and makes considerably less than I do so I know that I am in for it.  When I ask her why she is doing this, all she says is that she wants what is fair & secure.  Which I don't understand because I would never not take care of my kids and she knows this.

A little background on her and her care of the children:

She is not the best mother in the world, the kids always come to me smelling badly, unshowered and dirty.

She is taking me to court however, in the past six months she has taken vacations (alone) to California and recently to Las Vegas to celebrate her 30th birthday.

When she does go away, she leaves the kids with her mother who is an alcoholic and changes boyfriends more than a normal person would.

BM herself has a drinking problem and I have reason to believe she smokes weed also (she did while we were married) and I know her family does and on more than one occassion I have smelled weed in the hallway when I have picked up the kids.

The kids have had a horrible cough for the past year which also leads me to believe that she smokes around them.

The kids also say that they see mommy smoking (don't know if they are talking about cigarettes or the other but smoking is going on either way).

The kids who are opposite sex sleep in the same bed in a room that is only big enough to fit the bed.  Sure they are still small and it probably doesn't matter now but as they get bigger they really shouldn't be sharing a bed.


I guess my question is what exactly is going to happen to me?  If they take half my check I will be crippled.  I was giving her 1300 a month plus clothes plus toys, plus dance and karate, plus medical, plus anything else she would call and ask for.  I never said no to anything when it came to my kids.

My other question is I would like to fight for joint physical custody.  What are my chances of getting this?  How much will it cost?  We still aren't officially divorced so who should file first now that child support will be out of the way?  When does visitation come into play?  I am so oblivious to this whole process any help you can provide would be greatly appreciated.