Messages

We had court. This is awesome! Fiancee's ex told her attorney that she didn't have a close relationship with my mother. She also told her attorney that apparently my honey told her in August that he no longer wanted to see his daughter. Our atty laughed & said, "I have a whole stack of papers proving other wise on both accounts." The stack of papers he's talking about is Facebook posts, texts, & emails.

When my honey went in to discuss visits etc, his ex & her husband were denying everything. No visits, no contact, she doesn't need to be part of his life etc. Finally they settled that we will see SD on Christmas day at 5pm & we will have her until the 29th. Then starting 1/6 we get her E/O weekend until our next court date. My honey said that I would be doing the pick ups & drop offs. His ex said, "NO, she is NOT to pick up sd b/c she's the reason we're where we're at right now!" Our attorney said, "She's the one that works the hours that will allow p/u & d/o's at a reasonable time." THE END!

Granted this is just a temp order. It's still SOMETHING! We will get to see SD for 4 days for the first time in 4 MONTHS!

We also got a gag order put on everyone. NOBODY is allowed to discuss the court case w/ SD. My honey is now on SD's facebook, has her phone number, etc. This is all stuff that her mom NEVER wanted.

Obviously we're a little nervous because we're unsure of what she's been told, what she's heard etc. So far, via fb & texts w/ sd, all is looking ok. We're still getting the I Love You's & the I miss yous! This is SO important!

The only sad part is that my children will be with their dad all but about 1 day while sd is here. In a way it's good, she will get her dad & I's full attention. (She normally does) But this will make it even better. Hopefully calm any fears she has.

While she's here, if she wants to, we'll be visiting my mother's grave so she can say goodbye to grandma. I am undecided if I will allow her to see the videos yet. The 2nd video I'm pretty sure I won't for a while. It's rough to watch. The first one, my mom looks good & it's directed completely at sd. I will have to feel her out & see if she's 'ready' for it or not. Obviously I don't want to cause any undue stress, heartache, or sadness on her!

Lady Tremaine

I understand that this is an old post butttttt I figured I'd throw my .02 in here.

A little under a year ago I got a fb message from my sd asking if she could call me mom. I left it alone & never answered until I saw her in person. I told her that she has a mom & that the mom/dad titles are pretty important & that her mom might get upset if she called me mom. Ocassionally she'll slip. I still answer, but move on like it's no big deal. One day my son was driving me nuts with the mom,mom,mom,mom thing & I said, "THAT'S IT! I'm no longer answering to MOM, it's now Jose'!" My sd picked up quickly & said, "Ok mama Jose'" She jokingly put it on her fb that I was now mama Jose' & of course her mom flipped sending her messages saying, "Love your 1 & only MOM!" It was a joke. I never expected her to put Mama in front of Jose. Not at all. She did it on her own. I can see her mom being upset, but it was once. It wasn't a bunch of times.

With MY 3 kids, they call my fiance' dad. We tried in VAIN to curb this. They would say "dad" we would say, "No this is *insert his name*" Then it became, "Well when can we call him dad?" I said, "Maybe after we get married." Knowing that we wouldn't be getting married any time soon AT ALL! (we both have massively cold feet) It took over 6 months of battling & finally we gave up. I sat all 3 down (aged 9-4) and asked them why they wouldn't call him by his real name. They had a list of reasons why. "Mom, he comes to all of our stuff for school!", "He spends time with us.", The boy said, "He plays out in the yard with me & lets me help him work on whatever he's doing!", "He reads to us.", "He is good to us.", "He helps me go out to play in the snow!", "He loves us mom.", This went on for about 5 minutes between the 2 of them. I gave up. They won. They had their point of what a 'dad' was supposed to be & do.

As far as their real dad goes, they call him dad, they call my honey daddy. If they're talking about both they'll put their names in front of each other. My ex husband's wife is furious & every time they go over there, she has a new name for them to call her. They hate being forced to call her anything. Well, the oldest wants to call her a witch. I said, "NO, you still have to respect her." They begrudgingly do so.

So for my sd it's my name, unless she comes up with a joke.
For my kids & my honey, it's daddy
For my kids & their step mom it's her name (although they have other names that they call her when not in her presence)

They were never married. They've been split for 10 years. She was always nice about everything. We actually had a good relationship! Then when she wanted to sleep with him & he refused, that's when the spiteful vengeful side came out.

His ex's side is that we haven't been in her life by our choice. That my mom had nothing to do with her etc. This is all untrue & we can prove our side of the case via pictures, videos, text messages, emails & facebook. From what we've heard she's now trying to terminate my honey's rights to his daughter. I just let my mom know ahead of time, if necessary would she be upset if we had to use the videos in court. They may or may not play out.

She's been drinking (That we know of) pretty heavily for about a year & a 1/2. At first it just seemed to be socially. Now it's more and more. She just got her license back. Her husband still does not have his license from his DWI & DUI's. He currently has a warrant out for his arrest too. They allow underage drinking in the home, which we can prove. Although that just started this past summer.

(I hope this makes sense) There's SO much to it all! :/

I'm going to try & make this short.. long drama filled posts are sometimes hard to read!

My Fiance' & I have been together for 3.5 years. He has a daughter from a previous relationship. Over the past 3 years my sd has bonded with my mom. I have pictures of them together, when she was upset or sad, she would go talk to my mom. My mom loved this child just as though I would've had her. Sd's mom knew this & even conceded that they had a good, special relationship.

Fast forward to 3 weeks ago. My mom had been battling cancer. She lost her battle 11/16/11. We found out on 10/30/11 that my mom's oncologist hadn't been exactly honest & that while he was telling us that her cancer was the size of a thumbnail it was actually 3/4 of her lung. When he said, "It's grown just a tiny bit, the rest is pneumonia", it was really her whole lung.

We contacted fiance's ex after 2 days, asking for us to get sd so she could say goodbye to my mom. The answer was this, "Due to facebook drama that has nothing to do with you, you can't have her." What it really was, was we are filing for custody b/c  sd's mom is refusing us all contact w/ sd, changed sd's phone number, has blocked us from any way of contacting sd. Not to mention mom can't keep a valid license, she talks derogatorily about us, is married to an alcoholic & just wishes fiance & I would go away. We are not.

My mom passed 1 week ago today. We knew that getting sd was slim, however we tried. My mom's visitation was Monday, funeral was yesterday on my mom & dad's 39th wedding anniversary. BM's excuse was, she can't miss school because she's not BLOOD. Then it was, "Sucks that an unfit, drunk mother has control doesn't it?" My honey replied with yes it does. He didn't lose his temper or anything. Just simple yes & no answers. She replied with, "AWWWWW" Of course being a smart ass. My honey let it be.

Yesterday morning we had a friend coming to my mom's funeral. She knows sd & her mom & texted her to make sure that she didn't have a change of heart. Needless to say she didn't. She said, "My attorney told me that it wasn't in sd's best interest to come to the funeral because they are not blood."

I have stayed out of this. I plan on staying out of this. I will give my .02 to my honey, but it's up to HIM to decide what to do. I have 3 children of my own & while I have an amazing relationship w/ sd, I have to focus on them right now. All 3 of mine are in counseling & have been for 2 years preparing for the death of my mother. Last night I asked my daughter's counselor for books to help my sd with this. She is not allowed to openly grieve for my mother. She is not allowed to speak about my fiance & I or our children.

This all started, because my honey wouldn't sleep with her. This was after she admitted to having an affair with her husband's best friend.

ITS A MESS!

Anyhow my mom made 2 videos for my sd. I told my mom when she made them that chances are they would end up in court. Even in my mom's state she said, "Use them, you get that baby & bring her home." Broke my heart.

I don't know if I needed to vent or if I'm looking for advice, although advice would be welcomed. lol!

Ages: SD 13, My daughter, 12 (almost 13), my son 9, my daughter 8.

SD & her mom live in WI, Fiance' & I live in IL.