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More background...

2.5 years ago we saw a counselor together.  Wife had requested it and she set it up.  Met a few times.  Resolved nothing.  Neither of us were very cooperative with the recommendations the counselor made.   Counselor suggested she try anti-depressants.  Wife refused.  We stopped going.  Wife says I lied to the counselor lied about stuff that was my fault.  I did minimize lots of things and didn't do a good job with following through on any of the recommendations (I say that so we all know I am not an angel or necessarily doing my part in this relationship.  I recognize at least some of my faults.)

We floundered trying to make things better on our own.  I made things worse.  She made things worse.  Things got worse.

I went to find a counselor of my own.  (probably 1.5 years ago)  Argued with wife over that.  Saw counselor #2 once.  He said wife has BPD.  He didn't deal with couples so I stopped going there.  Found another who did see couples...went together again for a few sessions before he decided we needed to work on issues separately.  Counselor #3 told me (but not wife) that wife has BPD (borderline personality disorder).  recommended she go see a different counselor.  she blew up, claimed he was abandoning her when he knew she had abandonment issues (which...i think i agree with).  she stopped going to counseling all together.  I continued. 

Little more than a year ago,  she blew up pushed/hit/punched me, spit on me,  (one of a handful of times she has assulted me).  Counselor #3 recommended i get a restraining order.  saw a lawyer.  he agreed.  My father (SOB that he is) suggested it too.  I called wife from courthouse to say "i am at courthouse, have the paperwork for a restraining order in hand.  don't want to file it, but violence MUST stop".  Didn't file.  She resents that i was even there but agreed to no violence (she has since broken that several times). 

Things went around like a merry-go-round.  a year later almost to the day, she assulted me again (and a couple minor times in between).  I started seeing a new counselor by myself this past summer.  Have not returned to counseling WITH her since 1.5 years ago.  In describing our interactions...counselor #4 says "she sounds BPD". 

...Shocking.

Just met with my counselor #4/mediator (he is a mediator...haven't used him for mediation).  Here is what he suggests:

Being out of the house short term will not affect custody and may give needed cooling off for everyone.
He suggested I schedule a time to meet with her (and let her parents take care of the kids while we meet) in a few days to review 4 "counsel" options:

1. Go to a priest together. (free) - outcome "work on it"
2. Go to a counselor together again. (copay) - outcome "work on it"
3. Go to a mediator (more money) - outcome "work on it" or "end it"
4. Go to a lawyer (even more money) - outcome "end it"

convey to her the order of preference (which is 1-4) but ask that we make a decision very soon (if not during that meeting).

He also said, given everything, there is no way I should walk away with less than 50/50 custody...better if I want it given her history of being physical toward me (and my step daughter)...regardless of my contributions to the dysfunction of the relationship...regardless of leaving the house for a short time. 

I don't know if he is a real authority on the matter...though he says he is.

What do you think of that???

So the collective wisdom is that I am making a large mistake to give her space at this time when she is unwilling to share custody of the kids.  And at that impass, I have to forefit 11 years of marriage to protect my access to my kids? 

Man...this sucks. 

Any reconciliatory recommendations?  Things I can do to show her I am serious about my desire to fix the relationship?  She sees it as a paradox that I say I want to fix it but I am unwilling to "give her peace"...which includes giving her the kids as they are "the one thing in the world that she cares about" by way of leaving.

I have been 'on the couch' off and on for 3 years.  She is insisting that separating (e.g. me moving out) is the only chance left to resurrect the relationship but she refuses to agree to any temporary custody arrangement that doesn't include me giving up reasonable visitation. 

She is effectively refusing to have us be in the same house at this point and either she goes (and will insist that the kids go too) or I go.

So...in that scenario, what am I to do?

State is Missouri.
Have 3 kids between 2-10

Have been in constant conflict with wife for multiple years.
Conflict largely revolves (and revolves) around me having been emotionally involved w/ another woman (several years ago).
She 'agreed' to reconcile but has been punishing me since.
Many nasty incidents along the way including violence by her against me as recently as yesterday (just one huge slap).  Hitting, slapping, punching, pushing.  Bruises left and photos taken.  Incidents written down but no authorities involved.

She has destroyed stuffed animals in front of the kids (making the middle child cry).
She regularly screams at me (and the kids).  Has spit on me several times.  Breaks things.  Ripped up and burned marriage certificate.  threw wedding pictures out the window (in front of the kids).  Has drug whole of disagreements/conflicts out in front of the children.
She witholds the kids from me.
She says she just wants to be loved but continues to punish me with consistency and regularity.  Then is quiet for a little bit.  Then escalates again when I don't take the opportunity to 'fix' things.
This has gone on for YEARS.
I admit I am at fault for not "fixing" things. 
She has asked repeatedly for me to leave.  I have said I would leave with a written custody agreement in place.  She refuses anything better than "every other weekend".   So I don't leave.
She stays at home with the two youngest.  She quit working just before she got pregnant the last time and has never returned to work. 

Last night, she demanded I leave.  Same revolving discussion.  Except she packed the kids clothes and took the kids to grandma's (20 minutes from home).  Then this morning returned to say she didn't think it fair I made them move out (I know I didn't make them move out).  I told her I would take some clothes and stay with her parents for a few days so that she and the kids can stay at home.

No actions have been filed.  I don't *think* she is going to file anything.

She is trying to get me to "fix" the relationship (by myself) *or* maybe trying to get me to give up custody to give her a better chance of getting a lion's share of kids time.  My big concern is whether I am jeopardizing my custody rights by staying at her parents for a while without establishing a custody agreement...even if it is just in email.  She refuses anything more than 'every other weekend' and as of right now is saying I should not ask to see them if I want to stay married to her.  What to do to both protect my ability to raise my kids AND try to repair/retain my marriage???