Messages

Yesterday we had a one hour meeting scheduled and it went for over three.  Ex tried to hash more drama with my family and how she is seeing our son suffer by being away from her so much.  She mentioned that a family member of mine should not be able to watch our son since he smokes marijuana.  I asked her if she shouldn't be able to watch him since she smoke marijuana.  She said she only ate some chocolate one time while in Colorado.  I quickly followed that up by reminding her that she brought it back into our state both years we visited Colorado and then sold the edibles to her friend and that both of those acts are felonies.  Complete silence. 

So long story short the mediator felt like we were close on getting over the hump of bickering and fighting over little stuff so she told us what her recommendation would be.  I will be gaining an extra two days per month putting me at 12 days per month and then we will go back to mediation at age 5 and look at 50/50.  While this is not completely what I was hoping for I thank God for granting me the extra time.  I have no choice at this point but to live with the arrangement for three years and then hopefully my ex and I will be on an even playing field from then on.  That is if she does not do something to self destruct between now and then.

Well we are not going to agree.  She wants it her way or no way.  And that just is not how this is going to work.  I will not become a paycheck to her and only see my child a few weeks a year.  She wants to leave me, then fine.  But I will not lose my child as well.

And we had another incident within the last few days.  I emailed my 30 days notice on some vacation time I have planned with my son for Labor Day weekend.  Labor Day is my holiday but that Friday, Saturday and Sunday are not.  So I thought I would take 3 days vacation and have a long weekend.  Well ex did not like that and said 'Sorry. That's my weekend. we already have plans that can't be rearranged. We will follow the holiday schedule.'  I forwarded this on to the mediator and asked for guidance.  Ex apparently claimed she could not afford to pay for another meeting.  I explained to the mediator how she stole over a thousand dollars from me, has millionaire parents paying for all of her divorce expenses and she has generated some activity with her business.  So that is a lie.  Then the mediator said ex could meet next week.

This makes the 3rd incident within the past two weeks or so.  I understand that the mediator's purpose is to try to get us to work through the divorce, but that just is NOT happening.  Ex is continuing to do whatever she wants to because she does not understand that she does not hold all the power anymore.  I am told that our mediator will bluntly tell someone 'you need to stop doing...'  Has my ex done enough to receive that talk yet?  Who is going to give her a healthy dose of reality so I do not have to continue dealing with this? 

Because at this point I see no end to ex's games unless someone with legal authority stops her.  And what do I do if the mediator does not stop it.  Do I just documents everything and take her back once my attorney feels like we have enough to file a motion for contempt?  I do not want things to get that far but I know it is coming.  What advice does everyone have for documenting?  At some point my ex is going to realize that I am saving texts, emails, etc.  She will stop communicating her behaviors and just do them.  So how do I PROVE what she is doing if she does not say it in black and white?

Currently there is no temporary order.  They have requested a hearing date but that is all.  The current schedule is what she came up with and since she does not work I have basically been forced to abide by it since she has him all day long.  The mediator said that parents take precedence over family/friends as babysitters.  So even though it is my day she has first rights to him.

The day she refused to give him to me I notified her at 10am that I would potentially be off work by 3:30 or 4.  I then text her giving her the 20 minute notice.  Then sat in the driveway waiting until she decided to come to the door. 

This morning as I was dropping him off with her I told her I might get off early today.  She immediately got heated and said she would be busy with him and the kids.  Again making plans on my days so that I cannot show up early for him.  Coincidence? 

And we could easily put our son on a schedule that would work for both of us.  The problem is I have a job so most of the required times reflect when I need to be up and out of the house and when I get off, etc. She said during mediation that those times only work for me and do not for her so she would not agree to them.  The mediator asked for his schedule with her and she began to rattle off what all they do during the day.  "We get up, eat breakfast, play, eat a snack, have lunch, play, take a nap..."  I stopped her and asked what TIME these things happened.  That is what makes it a schedule after all.  She threw out some times that I can see right through and began poking holes in.  She stated that his nap time was from 1 to 3 or 330.  Then when I show up at 4pm off early from work, she texts that his nap time is from 230 to 430.  So not only is she keeping my son from me during my time, she lied to the mediator.  That has to be obvious to the mediator when I have screen shots doesn't it?  But is that enough to sway her decision more in my favor?

And our window the mediator wanted to meet within has come and gone.  I am not sure if ex contacted the mediator at all or not.  And ex is out of town all next week on vacation with our son.  How does that look to the mediator if ex didn't respond?

The mediator told us that exchanges took place at 8am unless specified otherwise.  So when I have to go be at work by 8 I have to drop him off sooner anyways.  But if it is my day/night to have him then it does not matter when I get off of work or if I work at all that day.  It is my day.  The problem is she does not have a job right now so I have to take my son to her every weekday while I am at work and then go back to pick him up.  So I am at her mercy when she takes my son an hour away to visit the zoo or do other activities.

Last week when I left work early to handle some other business in the city I informed her early in the day that I would potentially be leaving work early and that I would text her when I left work so she had 20 minutes notice that I was coming.  She told me to not come until 430 because he would not be available until then.  She also claimed his nap time is from 230 to 430 when in mediation she described his make belief scheduled nap time as 1 to 3 or 330.  So I also caught her in a lie.  Then I sat in the driveway for a half hour waiting after I knocked on the door, rang the doorbell, called and text her.  Then this week she had threats of "if you don't agree to [this] then I will not give [son] to you Thursday and consider your time forfeited for this week" 

This must have all caught the attention of the mediator as she emailed us asking to meet within a certain time frame.  I responded immediately.  I have not heard anything back from ex or mediator so I am assuming that this means ex is blowing the mediator off.  Tomorrow is the last business day ex will be in town for over a week and we have been waiting on the recommendation for three weeks now.  So I would think blowing off the mediator could only be one more thing that will help my odds.

We did not cover first right of refusal during mediation.  Never made it that far.  But I am planning on requesting it.  Ex at one point said she would give that to me but if she gets a bunch of time taken from her (in her mind) then who knows what she is capable of.  I seriously do not know who this person is that I am dealing with.

So long story short... es didn't sign.  Mediator let her rehash her issues with me by letting ex read a letter she wrote.  None of it was serious or worth addressing.  We finished the holiday schedule and that was it.  No long term plan.  But after talking with my attorney and the counselor that both of us were seeing together and now both see apart, it sounds like I will get more time.  Apparently the mediator called the counselor to ask questions and said something to the effect of "it sounds like I have a mother who thinks she is in control when she isn't, and I have a father who is scared to do anything because he is afraid of losing what he already has."  Counselor then went on to tell me that she strongly believes the mediator will recommend I get one or two extra days per month now (currently I have ten) and then we will go back to mediation when our child turns 3 to discuss me gaining more time then.  That way we should both be in a more permanent situation since we both are living with family members.  I do not think a seasoned counselor would tell a client that unless he strongly believed it.

And to top all of that off my ex has been acting like she holds all the power when she talks to me through texts.  She has threatened to take away time that we have traded for various reasons and has acted like she is always doing me a favor when in fact she is just treating me fairly.  So I have sent screen shots of these texts to the mediator and my attorney (these two are acquaintances and respect each other as well) to ask what I should do when I am in a situation such as being off work early on my day so I show up to pickup my child and ex will not give our child to me.  Well this last one the mediator finally responded and said maybe we need to meet so we can clear some of this up.

Hopefully this all means that I am about to get a good recommendation from the mediator.  We are still waiting to hear what the recommendation will be.  Obviously I am nervous but what can I do besides wait.  Does anyone think that my screen shots would get a mediator to skip straight to 50/50 since my ex is conducting herself the way she is?  The mediator seems to be a fair and reasonable person.  What is everyone's thoughts or advice at this point?

Well here is how conciliation went.

Ex went in there all spun up.  I noticed it within the first five minutes we were in the room.  Her hand was visibly shaking a little.  The mediator started talking a little and my ex jumped in telling her we needed to focus on a long term parenting plan and then can come back to all the small stuff.  She sounded like she was wanting to run the meeting.  The mediator told her that the small stuff is what we start with in order to build a long term plan.  If we had a long term plan without the small stuff figured out first then the parenting plan would eventually fall apart. 

I expressed my desire to "not throw stones at each other" and to focus on us both being in our son's life.  Then my ex went on to mention all of the concerns she has with me as a parent.  I tried to address them as she brought them up but she raised her voice and then strung together about four or five separate topics.  I sat back in my seat and didn't say a word.  She stated that I was an absent parent and that she did 100% of the parenting.  I might come home and play with our son for five or ten minutes but then I just sat and watched TV.  I am spending more alone time with our son now than I ever did is her main argument.  We batted this around a minute talking about baths I've given, books I've read to him, etc.

Then my ex decides with all her power to ask me what my concerns were with her.  I said my main concern was her mental health.  She jumped in saying that her mental health was great and that her psychiatrist says she's never seen her so happy.  I asked if I could finish talking since she had her time to talk.  Then I said that I worrry that she might go off of her medicine and become suicidal again or possibly attempt suicide again and end up hospitalized in the local mental health clinic again.  Her response?  "I was never hospitalized [there]."  I clearly caught her off guard but this is an honest to God concern I have.  Her mother and grandmother both deal with depression and have been on and off medicine over the years.  What happens if my ex one day decides she has been fine for the last couple of years and decides she doesn't need medicine anymore.  Or what happens when she gets knocked up by one of the guys she's sleeping with and HAS to go off the meds cold turkey.  Can she really take care of our son? 

Anyways, throughout the meeting she brought up money about five or six times.  Nothing direct to child support and time spent with our son, but she did mention child support.  She mentioned how much money we were wasting because we cannot talk and I slightly leaned over the table and looked her right in the eye and said, "there is no amount of money that is worth not being in my son's life. So I'm not worried about that."  I pulled out a text between the ex and I discussing Independence Day schedules.  She told me, "this was additional time that was given to you, not something I had to do. I need him by 8 as originally discussed, we have plans. I'm sorry for the miscommunication this morning, but you will have 10 hours with him today that you wouldn't normally have. Please let me know where to meet you at 8." Ex says she hasn't been keeping my son from me.  Then why is this normally time I wouldn't have?  Why does she think she's so generous by allowing me to see him?  The mediator asked me why that bothered me.  I told her that is sounds like my ex is a parent giving me permission to spend the night at a friends house when we are suppose to be equally important in his life. 

Mediator asked ex if she understood why that bothered me and how it sounds.  Ex says 'I can never word things right for him.  He always says I don't say things the right way.' Mediator says no I mean in this particular instance do you see how that comes across to him.  She rolls her eyes and said yeah I'll try to word things better.

We did get through most of the holiday schedules but we have to go back for another two hour session.  I am worried what we will end up with.  Ex stated that because our son is so young he needs to be with her more.  Age 4 is about when that will not be a factor for her.  I said that ideally we would both be equal even though it never can be quite equal.  That is because the ex has never had a job and does not start one until August when she will become a para educator at an elementary school.  I pulled their school calendar and counted 87-88 business days where I HAVE to work that she does not.  It does make sense that she have him when she does not have to work so right off the top she has him 25% of the year.  "Don't throw percentages at me! I've never even seen this calendar!" I placed it on the table between us.  The mediator said that next session we will discuss a graduated parenting plan from now until age 4.  "That way you are both as equally unhappy with the plan."  So I am not sure what to make of that statement but hopefully I am looking at half and half on paper.

Side note:  What makes a person whom less than 30 day before filing was talking about having another baby this summer decide to hate me so much and use our son against like she is?  I have not done anything to her to deserve this treatment.  Friends and family say she is crazy and karma will come back around but I just don't know.  She is the type of person you see get away with soo much and wonder how they get away with it.  But somehow they always do.

She filed at the county courthouse. Attorneys recommended mediation ASAP so we have gone to the individual one already. So far it has only been in regards to our son and nothing else.  Mediator said that we will focus on a schedule for now and then probably come back when my son is between 3 and 5 and possible again later in life. My ex will begin working at a local school so I pulled their calendar.  She will have a lot of days off of work that I will not and I think that over the course of the year she is looking at a significant more amount of time than I am.  So to me 50/50 the rest of the time is more than fair. While I am at work if she is off then it makes sense for her to have him. 

I already have everything I need to care for my son. When she vacated she left me with nothing and would send my son with next to nothing. So I am setup now.

Working on getting copies of records for my son.  I have to sign a release and have them sent in the mail.

I do not have a document showing a diagnosis.  However, she is seeing a psychiatrist and is on medication for depression/anxiety.  She has been on two different types of medication that I can prove.  She was also hospitalized in a mental health institution for attempting suicide.  I do not have documents on that but if it comes down to it we could subpoena them if it goes to court right?

Her drug use is minimal and I know that. But I want to make it known that she has used marijuana at least twice within the past 6 months.  One of the times she purchased it in a legal state, used it in front of her 8 year old nephew and proceeded to roll around on the floor with him laughing her butt off.  Does that not count for something? And while I cannot prove this, I know for a fact that she brought that substance back across state line and then sold it to a friend. So to me it is a valid concern regardless if I have evidence.  It is the truth and should be mentioned. I would be more than willing to take a test right beside her.  But I would want it to be a hair folicle test so that it will go back far enough to see her usage.  Pee would likely be clean.

Gentlemen,

My wife recently decided that she was not happy and the grass is greener on the other side.  We have been married less than 3 years and have an 18 month old boy.  Initially she said that she knew how important I was in his life and that she would never keep him from me.  My response was that an even amount of time with each of us sounds fair. 

That obviously was not ok with her because "then I would not get as much child support."  If only I was recording conversations back then.  Since then she packed up whatever she wanted in the house along with everything to take care of my son (bed, dresser, all his clothes, all the diapers, wipes, changing pad, butt paste, etc.) and moved to her sister's.  She only allows me to see him Wednesday evenings with no overnight and then every other weekend.  She has no temp orders in to enforce this but what can I do?  Go over there and get myself arrested for trying to get my son and leave?  I am not falling for that one.  So I have been playing it cool. 

Although I about lost it the other day.  I got off work early to go pick my son up.  She had him at the pool on the hottest day of the year to date.  As I parked my truck I saw her stripping him down.  By the time I got to them she had him down to nothing but a swim diaper (she makes him wear a swim shirt, trunks and swim shoes).  She then went through the diaper bag to make sure she had everything and that I did not have any more than necessary.

My son did not have a nap yet, by 3pm and of course was exhausted.  He fell asleep in the truck but then did not get much of a nap and was cranky all evening.  He fell asleep by 9pm which is early because she does not have him on a schedule.  So I asked if I could keep him overnight since he was asleep.  Of course she said no and came and picked him up.  Had to wake him up to do it and everything.  Made me so mad.

Now we are about to go into mediation and I want to know how to bring up many of her shortcomings; diagnosed depression & anxiety, never had a job & wants a free ride (as much child support as possible),  smokes marijuana, is currently using my son against me like a weapon, is already out partying and acting like a slut, has a side business that she is not claiming, etc. 

My initial reaction is to take my son as much as the court with grant me because I have been the sole provider, will be living in a better area with better schools/opportunities, and so forth but I also know she is a big part of his life and she loves him.  So my question is this, what do I do to show that I can take care of my son and that I belong in his life AT LEAST an equal amount of time?  I am no saint.  I am not owed any father of the year or husband of the year awards.  I cannot control that she wants to go sleep around and be single.  I just want to be with my son.  Any advice or assistance is greatly appreciated.