Messages

this is tough.

One way of explaining it is to let them know that even adults make mistakes - sometimes they become parents without the understanding and reality of what being a parent is really all about...let the child know that realizing these doesn't make her dad a bad person - its just who he is.  Perhaps, child can start contacting him and see how it goes.

I'm not sure what her (your Ex's) situation is but if its anything like my DH's ex, then she's just using the system because she CAN...that doesn't mean she should.

For the first 1.5 years DH and I were married, he and I both provided ins. on the kids via our work.  BM qualified for medicaid.  Sometimes she told them about our ins, sometimes she didn't, despite being told in the CO that these were to be used FIRST and the state aid only to be used for what ins. didn't cover.  She used it so she didnt' have to pay the 15% medical costs she was required to pay at that time.  God forbid she be responsible for a $6.00 bill...oh wait...yeah, she can use that money for cigarettes.  What was I thinking?

So many of these self-centered parents fail to remember or can't comprehend that there are children out there that have a REAL NEED to this state aid.  When parents like us are able to afford the occasional medical expenses, we should...i mean, we did accept that responsibilty when deciding to have babies/children.

There are kids out there with drug addicted parents or just parents who don't wish to raise their children  who have been handed off to the g-parents to raise on nothing but Social security income.  They really need the state aid for helping the their grandkids.  Or those kids whose parent(s) have become disabled somehow after having their childrne and are unable to work now....

Its a moral issue.  I know a couple who have two children.  They decided to have children even though neither of them was working....why?  Because STATE AID was available to them.  That would now be YOU and ME paying for their children.....

Your kids mom shouldn't be utilizing the medicaid system IMO if she is able to work and provide for them......I think however, the case is, she's just utilizing it because she can.

what ocean's saying - I doubt she has to tell you legally.  Morally? Yes.  Its just good co-parenting when parents do whats best for the kids interests,....and not in feeding of their own control issues.

I'd try to talk to her about it....let her know that as a courtesy you would morally want to do what's best for the kids and that's letting their other parent know who they are wtih and when....

I doubt it..

depends on the CO -sometimes there's something called Right of First Refusal - usually there's a time frame - for example, if mom is going to be unavailable for X no. of hours, then Father gets ROFR.  IF that is incorporated in your CO, then yes, she should have given you first choice.

However, like in my Dh's case - there's nothing incorporated in the CO specifying this.

So, when my DH is out of town for business, I (stepmom) keep the kids during his rotation (which is 3 days).  If BM were to go out of town say on a trip or something, she doesn't have to notify DH if she is going to hire a babysitter.

In general, she has no one she can leave the kids with during an extended visit - and she can't afford a babysitter - so she calls DH or myself when she needs to have someone keep the kids.
HTH

thank you all.

I contacted the CS agency.  The medical bills will be deducted from the CS - as long as we have the receipts, insurance statements and our payment methods and the unanswered certified mail receipt- which we do.  The others, well despite the CO stating:  'CS will also cover extracurricular activites", the Agency stated that the attny most likely will consider that a gift.

DH is currently weighing whether or not to go for full custody because of other issues.

We'll see what happens...I really appreciate the feedback.

My Dh's ex owes us some money - for half of some expenses that she agreed to pay half for but now won't pay us.  The expenses were to go towards things that CS is meant to cover (and outlined in CO)- however, we knew if we didn't pay for it, the kids would not get what they needed/wanted...or BM said she didn't have the money but would pay us the following week stuff.  

this includes stuff for school like Younger's K-garten registration and graduation expenses, soccer, and soccer related stuff, along with some medical bills, some onetime daycare field trip costs,  etc.

The total amount ex owes us is nearly $300.00.  
My ? is, Contempt would be easy to prove but costly to do so.

Can I take her to small claims court? The filing fee is $50.00 and I would ask the judge for that too.

I would send a letter to the medical office with a copy of the court order.

I would explain to the staff that you do not have any children with the last name of XXXXX, however, you do have children XXXXXX and XXXXXX who are patients there.

LEt them know that you want to ensure the best treatment possible for the patients.  Are these your DH's children?  If so, the name issue is concerning to you -the lack of continuity with their names can lead to medical mistakes.

ADvise the medical staff/physician to please feel free to call you - that unfortunately there's some issues they as a provider are being dragged into by the BM and that although unfortunate, you are trying your best to remedy the issue and along with them, provide the best, safest care for the children.

I'm stuck with this one.

How long has she been working at the FF rest?  Does your DH have a copy of her work schedule?  Our CO states that BM/DH are required to provide each other work schedule/contact info.  Claiming she can't do it - she better have the documentation to back that up.....

If its legit (that she can't get off work) then he'd have a difficult time in court.  Plus, he's already done all the driving anyway...

However, has she discussed a change in schedule with her employer?

That's where I'd start -

"BM, The court order specifically states this: XXXXXXXXXX.
Over the last X amount of time, I have provided all of the necessary transportation in order to see our children during my designated time, despite it being outlined in the CO that you have a responsibility in assisting with the transportation and arrangements of visitation.  

Now that you have suitable transportation, now it seems your work schedule is interferring with your compliance with the CO.   Please discuss with your employer a change in your work schedule for the days we are to meet at 5 p.m. for exchange.  Should your employer be unwilling or unable to change your schedule, please provide me with their written explanation.

Your inability to meet the transportation needs of the children as outlined in the CO has been ongoing for years now.  Should this not change within the next 60 days, I will be forced to take legal action."
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When my DH's ex got a decent job, her reasons for not caring for the childrne when they were sick or off school or had a doc appt was "I'm on probation, I can't take off work"  was understandable.  I had a decent job and DH was able to help out too - he and I took turns taking off during BM's probationary period when the kids were sick, had appts, etc.  However, we later learned she was able to take off days to go visit her friend of convenience aka sex friend.  

Now that her probationarly period is over, she still doesn't want to do it.  Her newest excuse in regards to appts are "You made it, you take them".  And when Eldest recently got sick she wouldn't take her to the doc (urgent care after hours ) because "it was too busy".

I am full supporter of fathers having custody...if they can support that child in all best interests - financially, emotionally, mentally, etc.

I speak from the heart here:

I agree with the others - get youf life together first.  If your son means everything to you and is your #1 priority - go back to Ohio - he's there and should be your first priority.  Establish a good solid relationship with him and the family...but remember and ask yourself:

what are the best interests for my son and can I provide them all?

My BIL (in OHIO)  has a 2 year old son who he hasn't seen in some time because BIL has a bad drug problem.  BIL always talks down about his ex-girlfriend (she does have full custody, also in OHIO).  

BIL demands custody all the time but logically and realistically he shouldn't have custody.  He won't even keep a job - his mom snet him to college so he could go into the same line of work as my DH, then my DH got him a job and he quit...

BIL wants to be like my DH adn be a good dad but he doesn't want to commit to it.  He just wants the glory - he has the cutest little boy so I certainly can't blame him for wanting that glory...

But, being a father is more about having a cute kid..its about a lifetime commitment.  

Good luck to you.