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Topics - Amy_in_MA

#1
Child Support Issues / Some good news!
May 08, 2007, 06:16:05 AM
Apparently the conversation I had with the supervisor at DOR/CSE made a difference. A phone call DID get made to the employer for whom I provided information to DOR back in February, and confirmation was given that dad is a full-time employer there. So, the wage withholding order has been sent to them for processing! YEAH!!!!!!!

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Dream lofty dreams, and as you dream, so shall you become. Your vision is the promise of what you shall one day be; your ideal is the prophecy of what you shall at last unveil.

     ~ James Allen
#2
I have been calling DOR (who handles CSE here in MA) for almost 3 months now (actually more like over 3 years, but just in this cycle it's been about 3 months) to get them to enforce the wage assignment order we have (back from 2002...it was active until he became unemployed and then unemployment ran out in 2003...he has subsequently found work and is working full-time and has been for some time).

Back on February 20th, I provided them with employer information (obtained from my ex's myspace page, of all places). DOR told me that they already had a wage assignment packet out (as per my request February 7), but it was not the employer I had just provided them with information for. They cannot send out any additional wage assignment packets until this one is "resolved" (made active, they are told he doesn't work there, whatever).

After weeks and weeks of having to follow up (because the employer hasn't responded to the packet, or to numerous phone calls they have made to verify his employment), I got the same apathetic worker I spoke to last week. I asked what steps they take when employers are non-compliant. She told me "we sent them another wage assignment package." I asked how that enforces everything, and she started to give me another standard apathetic response. I asked to speak to a supervisor.

The supervisor and seemed to understand what I was saying. I asked what steps they take if an employer is non-compliant. He said "well, this is just one of the steps we take...we have to document that we have tried to contact them numerous times before we can claim that they are non-compliant with the law and do anything about it." I told him that while I understand that, and that while I know they cannot confirm for me who the employer is that they have sent the wage assignment package to, I can tell them that I know he has two jobs. And one of those jobs is for (XYZ COMPANY)...and that is a part-time job. As such, even if the employer DOES respond, the 65% garnishment issue will come into effect and what will be withheld/sent in will be minimal. He was very interested in hearing that and basically, unofficially confirmed for me that that is in fact who they have sent the wage assignment order to.

So, he put a note to request a phone call into the employer that I gave them the information for back in February and just ask if he is in fact employed there. Two, he would note that the employer to whom they have sent a wage assignment order may in fact be only a part-time employer and as such, be impacted by the 65% income withholding rules. I asked him if one week was enough time for me to wait before checking back to find out the status. He said "at least that long."

*sigh* It irks me so much that he can just not provide this information himself...it would be SO much easier and it would just be done. He said "well, the last payment you received was sent directly by him." I said "I understand that, but if you notice, he pays sporadically, and he's always very, very short on the amount. And there is an order for wage assignment for a reason."

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Dream lofty dreams, and as you dream, so shall you become. Your vision is the promise of what you shall one day be; your ideal is the prophecy of what you shall at last unveil.

     ~ James Allen
#3
I'm in MA. My son's father and I have had a support order with wage assignment in place since paternity was established back in 2001. For the most part, it's worked fairly well until a few years ago when he was laid off. Sometimes he sends payments in, sometimes he doesn't, and it's rarely for the full amount when it's sent in, so he is about $2500 in arrears. He's also way over due on his portion of uninsured medical expenses ($600), but those don't go through CSE.

Many months ago I called and asked DOR (our CSE agency locally) why the wage assignment wasn't being used if they had his employer on file. They basically said that because he was sending payments in (didn't matter if it was the right amount as long as he sent in something), they wouldn't change the way it was done. I reiterated to the agent that we have a court order that says it is supposed to be through wage assignment. So he tells me they will send out a packet to the employer, who then has 30 days to respond. Several months go by and no wage assignment, sporadic payments. I call again. They tell me they never heard back from the employer.Ok, fine. Then they should be able to make a follow-up phone call to find out. They told me it had been too long since they sent out the packet for them to do that, and they would have to send a whole new packet to the employer, wait another 30 days, etc. etc. Apparently, it was my job to flag them when 30 days had gone by with no wage assignment happening. Eventually they heard back from the employer that he's no longer employed there.

So, a couple of months ago I found out the name of his employer (wouldn't it be easier if he would just notify DOR/CSE himself?). I provided CSE that information. They replied that they had another employer named on file, it had come up in a SSN scan, and they were sending a packet out to THAT employer. Ok, so now we're into waiting 30 days again. I wait 45 days, just for good measure, and I ask the status. They tell me they haven't heard anything, they will make a note to have a follow-up call made, it should be made within a week or two. I wait two weeks, ask again. They tell me to be patient, the call hasn't been made yet. Now, they can't send out a wage assignment packet to the employer I gave them until they get a response from THIS employer...by the time they get this all wrapped up, he won't be employed there anymore. I wait another two weeks. Yesterday, I call. The woman I spoke to put me on hold. She came back and told me that she had bumped it up in priority to a supervisor because 1) CSE still had not made a follow-up phone call (60+ days after sending out the wage assignment package to the employer), and 2) since he hasn't been sending any support in, they've decided they really need to trake action with this. All they really needed to do was look at the history over the past 4 years and they could see what's been going on. She assured me that within a few days a call will have been made to the employer they mailed the packet to in the beginning of February. And if they got "he's not employed there", they would send a packet out to the employer I gave them info on back in early February.

Is it really this difficult to get a court order followed in other states to?????

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Dream lofty dreams, and as you dream, so shall you become. Your vision is the promise of what you shall one day be; your ideal is the prophecy of what you shall at last unveil.

     ~ James Allen
#4
She's the mother of a friend of my son's in school as well. She and her partner sat down with this morning because of the ongoing safety and supervision concerns I have had lately (dad not using a car seat for son, not supervising their play when they are out by the street--my son went into the street last time to retrieve a ball, dad was inside the house watching the ball game).

The attorney and her partner said we have to be careful not to paint ourselves into a corner because if we tell dad he has to address these things or we take him to court, he'll basically just stop visitation altogether because that's easier for him and he basically doesn't really care. So, she's going to give him a call as my friend, but also let him know that she is an attorney, and basically that I was talking to her about it and she was calling to let him know how concerned I am. If that doesn't seem to be getting a response from him, there is always the option of taking him to court for the arrears, uninsured medical expenses, and low and behold, calling DSS regarding the lack of supervision/safety, which would end up getting all of the other children and their mothers involved...something he isn't likely to want to have happen. But, treading carefully is important so he doesn't just abandon our son altogether...because our son would hurt for that and then dad would be saying it was all my fault. If he hasn't returned her call by Friday with a solution to at least the car seat situation, I'm not to let our son go on visitation on Saturday. I really hope it doesn't come to that.

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Dream lofty dreams, and as you dream, so shall you become. Your vision is the promise of what you shall one day be; your ideal is the prophecy of what you shall at last unveil.

     ~ James Allen
#5
My son's dad takes our 6 year old for about 5 hours every other Saturday, his choice to have that little time. And he has another son (by someone else) who is 2 years younger, and he has a step-son with his separated from wife who is 5. Our son is the smallest of the 3 (he's still not even 38 lbs.). So, they are all still of an age and size that they need carseats.

Well, when he has all three boys (which is pretty much every Saturday visit), three car seats don't fit and my son has been telling me that he sits in the middle without a car seat and with just the seat belt. I've talked to the ex about this, and how he needs to figure something else out because it is not acceptable or optional for the child not to be in a car seat.

This morning, my son starts telling me about yesterday at his dad's...that he and his step-brother (who is 5) were playing outside in the yard with golf clubs and balls. My son said he hit two balls hard and they went into the street. He tells me how he looked one way, then the other way, then back again the other way before he went into the street to get the balls. This is not a rural area...this is a small city. I asked where daddy was, why he didn't go get the balls or check the street. He said daddy was inside the house watching a baseball game and that he too occupied  to come out and watch them/play with them.

I am FURIOUS. He is SIX YEARS OLD! I'm sorry but he should NOT be running into the street  to get balls, completely unsupervised. Am I really being compulsive about the safety stuff, or is this completely negligent? How the heck do I ensure my child is safe when he's with his dad when his dad just doesn't think this stuff matters? From the stories my son tells, dad is NEVER actually doing stuff with them, they are always pretty well self-supervised.

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Dream lofty dreams, and as you dream, so shall you become. Your vision is the promise of what you shall one day be; your ideal is the prophecy of what you shall at last unveil.

     ~ James Allen
#6
Visitation Issues / Wife #3 is on the way out.
Feb 19, 2007, 07:58:43 AM
This is my son's dad's third wife. He and I weren't married, he was divorced when I met him, he left me when I was pregnant, married that woman, they got divorced, married someone else, his current wife, and now they're separated. They've been married just over a year. Explains a lot though about the very sporadic and further shortened visits he's had, the visits he's canceled, the unexplained reduced child support payments. I am dreading when he tells our son, who just months ago was very concerned that his stepmother was going to go away like the last one. He's 6 and this will be the second stepmother he's lost in 3 years. And we lost my mom (his Nana) in May last year. Too many losses. And he and his step-brother (her son) are really good buddies. :(

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Dream lofty dreams, and as you dream, so shall you become. Your vision is the promise of what you shall one day be; your ideal is the prophecy of what you shall at last unveil.

     ~ James Allen
#7
Last night, I took my son to a birthday party for one of his classmates. When I got home, there was a message from son's dad. He called at 6:11 p.m. to say that he was headed to his first daughter's musical, and he had a last minute thought that maybe Zachary could go with him. Sorry it was so last minute, blah blah blah, but he wasn't sure if even he was going to be able to go, blah blah blah.

First off, does he think it is nice to always be hearing the things he takes time off from work for, or makes time for, when they are for his first child, but not for our son? Like he could make it to her dance recital but not to the memorial service for our son's grandmother (my mom) to be supportive of son? Or to son's back to school night? Or to parent teacher conferences? Or to birthday parties? And now he calls last minute to see if he can go with him to daughter's musical? (And, for the record, had we been home I'd have been thrilled to say "yes! come get him! He'd love that!")

Oh, but wait, this is the same guy who wanted me to reduce child support (again...we did that last year too) so he could work less hours to spend more time with our son (so he says). The same man to whom I offered to reimburse him for wages missed for hours not worked if he actually took extra time with our son...and he never responded. Seems to me he's able to make the time and make do financially with less to attend some children's events just fine. I guess there just isn't enough left to go around after he's invested the time and money in the others?

I know...I sound resentful and petty...but I am just so tired of our son coming last. No, I don't really expect it to ever change. But there are times I really wonder why he bothers with being on the scene at all.

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Dream lofty dreams, and as you dream, so shall you become. Your vision is the promise of what you shall one day be; your ideal is the prophecy of what you shall at last unveil.

     ~ James Allen
#8
Visitation Issues / Quick update.
Nov 08, 2006, 06:13:28 AM
Dad never responded to my emails last week. Saturday he had his time with son and I let him know that son wanted to do a learn to skate (ice skate) program, and given that dad has played hockey, works in rinks, asked him if he could make any suggestions on where to get the equipment needed inexpensively. He said he'd do some calling around and called Sunday night to tell me because the season just started, finding used equipment was almost impossible and as such, best time would be spring...get what he needs for this year and next at that time. We didn't end up registering for the program Sunday night...between the cost of the program ($100) and equipment (probably about $100) this isn't a good time to do this (Christmas, son's birthday in January, and lack of current support being paid). Anyway, dad called last night and left a message for son! YES! He called! :) Son listened to message and I told him "let's call dad back and let him know you got his message." He said "no, I don't want to call." I told him it wasn't a choice...he was calling. He refused to leave a message for his dad (went to voice mail) but at least held the phone to his ear. *sigh* I called dad back and left a message that Zachary appreciated his call and that we were going to do the program next year.

I'm glad he called...I can only hope that he does it again and makes it a habit.

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Dream lofty dreams, and as you dream, so shall you become. Your vision is the promise of what you shall one day be; your ideal is the prophecy of what you shall at last unveil.

     ~ James Allen
#9
Visitation Issues / Happy Halloween!!!
Oct 31, 2006, 05:01:56 AM
From my favorite pup!

[img src=http://www.deltabravo.net/dc/pics/Halloween.jpg]

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Dream lofty dreams, and as you dream, so shall you become. Your vision is the promise of what you shall one day be; your ideal is the prophecy of what you shall at last unveil.

     ~ James Allen
#10
Visitation Issues / Need feedback
Oct 29, 2006, 06:13:55 PM
What do CPs and NCPs think constitutes facilitating a relationship with the other parent?

I had a very upsetting discussion with my son's father tonight because he says I have done nothing to facilitate his relationship with his son. Our son is 5...will be 6 in January. I have always been flexible with times, dates, offered more time, etc. He has always taken less than is offered in terms of time with our son. I have always talked positively to our son about his dad, encouraged son to call dad when he mentions him, etc. I've suggested to dad numerous times that he give son a call once or twice a week. Dad basically says he doesn't have any time to call between visits (not even a 1 or 2 minute call once or twice week to say hello to son), that it goes both ways (I do encourage son to call), and that it's my job to tell son to call him. Dad says that basically I have given nothing, that it was my choice to be a single parent (he didn't recall our conversation when I first found out I was pregnant regarding termination and he urged me not to because he said we'd never get through it as a couple, and that somehow we would make it work and be a family).

All of this came about because of his realization that he's been a shitty father (his words) and he wants to do better. As such, he wants more time with son (just two months ago he reduced his once every two weeks day visit from 9 to 7 hours because son was so unhappy being there and he said it wasn't fair to the other kids that this one child is so unhappy/miserable there). So, in order to have more time with son, he needs to work less hours...as such, he wants to reduce child support. Last year, same time, we had this discussion and we agreed to a reduced amount of support without him taking back his first ex-wife to reduce her order (which effects mine). This time I told him he needed to take her back first and get her's reduced before I would agree to another reduction based on the new figures.

His idea of me "giving" something to facilitate their relationship means agreeing to less child support and doing the driving since he moved away (45 minutes each way...he used to live 10 minutes away and moved after son was born). I really do feel that I have bent over backwards (there's more history than I can even give just here of how I've tried to be supportive of their relationship)...but I wonder what people think constitutes facilitating a relationship with the other parent. I also work two jobs, like he does. My free evening daycare so I could work the second job was my mom, who passed away unexpectedly in May. So the costs of working that second job have gone up. The current support order covers about half of the daytime daycare and afterschool care costs. He's in arrears (about $1700 now) and owes his half on about $800 of uninsured medical expenses (so $400). I'm just really shocked that his perception is that I have given nothing and done nothing to facilitate his relationship with his son...I think I have.

So, the question stands, what constitutes facilitating a relationship with the NCP?

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Dream lofty dreams, and as you dream, so shall you become. Your vision is the promise of what you shall one day be; your ideal is the prophecy of what you shall at last unveil.

     ~ James Allen
#11
Saturday afternoon, an off weekend for visitation, my son's dad called and wanted to talk about our son's visitation. Currently, he only spends every other Saturday with him, from 9:30 a.m. to 6:30 p.m. (by dad's choice). I was hoping that he was going to ask to up the time. Instead, he told me that our son does fine the first half of the day, and then the second half he's just miserable asking when he's going home, doesn't want to do anything except go home, etc. As such, dad wanted to shorten his visits to half the time. I told him that I thought actually the opposite was what was needed and he needs to spend more time with him and give him more one on one attention...and I suggested that he touch base with our son's counselor about it before making any decision. Our son is 5.5 years old. I reminded him that our son has a lot of issues with separation anxiety, and it's been made worse by my mom's recent and very unexpected death (she was really my son's other primary caretaker and adored my son and he her), and that the answer isn't (I don't think) reducing the time he has now but rather to increase it, make it more one on one, etc.

I asked him what it was he was hoping or expecting I could provide him with...I didn't want to offer suggestions if he didn't want them, but that I could also share my perceptions of our son's time there (he comes home saying that his father never plays with him, even when he asks him to, that it's already too long being over there, etc.). I also told him that our son might be overstimulated with all that's going on (there are 4 children there at visits, between the ages of 3 and 10, in a small 2 bedroom trailer), and by the time half the day is over, he may really be needing some quiet time. I suggested that the counselor needed to hear from him because she: 1) needs to have as much information about how son is doing in all situations, and he could provide valuable input to that; 2) may have some really good suggestions on how he can best work to improve the situation. He told me he would call the counselor and talk to her and then get back to me.

I've suggested additional visits on off-weekends with his other kids occasionally, for more one on one time with Zachary, he says he can't because any time he doesn't have the children, he's working. I've suggested a once or twice a week short phone call to keep contact open/regular between visits. He has declined these. There was, admittedly, a part of me that thought I should just let him shorten the visits since our son doesn't seem to want to be there and dad seems to not care less if he's there...but I know ideally, that's not the best answer.

So yesterday, I spoke with our son's counselor and she was in agreement that right now, in particular on the heels of my mom's death, would be a really bad time for our son to endure another loss by losing time with his dad. She's in agreement with my suggestion that dad spend some one on one time with son to strengthen (create???) that bond. The bad news is that dad hasn't called her so far, as he said he would. I was talking to son the night before last night about it and he said that basically, his dad doesn't play with him or the other boys, only with Jordan (who is 10). So he is very much feeling as though one sibling is getting all of the time and attention.

Dad and I talked yesterday, and it became obvious that the only solution he really wanted was for me to agree to him taking son for only half a day. He said it isn't fair to the other kids that son is so miserable in the afternoons, and doesn't want to do anything except go home. I told him that was unfortunate, but sometimes kids are in bad moods, unhappy, and it effects other people but as parents, we have to deal with that...and we're talking all of 4 hours. He said it wasn't my choice to refuse to let him cut his visit short. I told him that it was, and I would just not be here when /if he tries to bring him home early. He said "you would do that???" And I said "hell yes...he NEEDS that time with you." His reply? "Then I just won't pick him up." I said "are you serious??? Because you don't want to deal with an unhappy child and make any effort to improve your relationship with him, you'll just walk away from him and abandon him? The only way that I'm going to agree to you decreasing your time with him is if you're going to just back out of his life altogether...and that's not what's best for him." He said "I'm not picking him up." I told him "You're an asshole." Yup, I said it, and I don't regret it. And he hung up on me, of course.

I left a message for dad that if it is truly his plan not to pick up son, he needs to call and tell him and explain to him why. Now of course, I can't MAKE him call...so I am fully expecting that I'm going to have to tell son. How would you approach this? What would you even say to him? I also have a all into son's counselor to get suggestions on how to approach this with him.

Thanks in advance...I know it was a long post to read, and I appreciate the input.

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Dream lofty dreams, and as you dream, so shall you become. Your vision is the promise of what you shall one day be; your ideal is the prophecy of what you shall at last unveil.

     ~ James Allen