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Topics - *iLUVmySD*

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Parenting Issues / SD is manipulating BOTH households!?!?
« on: May 26, 2009, 11:23:44 AM »
Brief History:

We are in AZ. SD is 9. My husband has primary physical and joint legal. SD lives here 75% of the year and visits BM in CO the other 25% of the year. They were never married.

There has been many accusations by BM in the past regarding my husband and me abusing my SD. BM has thoroughly involved my SD in everything court related. She knows too many things that she shouldn't. Things have been really tense for about the past 2 years and we have been gearing up for a nasty trip back to court.

Current Events:

So we decided to take my SD to a female therapist. The request had been made by BM probably to try to provide some proof that my SD is being abused although we never told her that SD had actually started seeing a therapist because SD said BM would ask her to lie to the therapist and say that we are abusing her. SD didn't want to tell BM about the therapist. During my SD's sessions with the therapist, they made flashcards for my SD to study regarding some things to say when BM asked her to lie in court, talked bad about us, etc. My SD decided that she wanted to take the information with her to BM's house this summer but she didn't want BM to find it because she was scared she would get in trouble. SD proceeded to copy the information onto a single piece of paper that she could fold up in her pocket and hide from BM in her room. We were really hopeful that this would help my SD cope better.

Then on Thursday evening (her flight leaves the following Friday) my SD tells us that she is scared to go to BM's because BM drags her up the stairs by her arms when she gets angry and also knocks her sister to the ground. We ask her if she wants us to talk to a judge so she doesn't have to go (getting a protective order) and she says yes. Well we go to the courthouse Friday morning first thing before her flight is scheduled to leave. It turns out that the judge wouldn't have time to review the request until after my SD's flight is scheduled to leave and the judge's secretary advises us to put my SD on the plane. After more discussion, my husband decides to send my SD as scheduled, but my SD makes sure she has her information from the therapist in her pocket.

Saturday we weren't able to have our scheduled phone call because my SD's phone was off. Finally Monday we call again as scheduled and it is still off. My husband proceeds to call BM's phone, angry because my SD's phone is not on as requested. When BM is asked about the phone she said she won't turn it on because her other daughter doesn't have a phone and my SD rubs that in her face. BM then states on speakerphone that she has something else she needs to talk to us about, but she'll do it later. My husband, who is already angry about the phone, pushes for BM to talk about it now and she did... BM told us that:

Apparently when my SD got to BM's house the first thing she did was tell BM that she had this paper with the information from the therapist and that she never got to talk at the therapist because my husband and I would always talk for her. (SD went every appointment except for the initial one by herself.) That's when BM started to question things that my SD has been telling her about the abuse and that's when we told her some of the things my SD had told us about her. It was decided that all parents and step-parents should phone conference without my SD to discuss what has been happening.

Having had such a hostile relationship between our two families for the past two years, we still feel wary about this new found cooperation and trust, but at the same time hopeful. It does seem to make sense that this could be what is happening. Maybe my SD is doing it for extra attention, or pity, or anything she can manipulate out of us. We don't know, we are waiting for some additional advice from my SD's therapist. In the meantime, I thought I would tell our story and see if anyone has any input or advice.

We feel lost because something we have been basing our actions on for so long may not be true and therefore a whole new basis of operation needs to be established. Anyone dealt with anything similar? Thanks!!!

Parenting Issues / BM wants SD to lie to the court!
« on: Mar 02, 2009, 02:32:36 PM »
We're in Arizona. BM is in Colorado. BM and my husband were never married. My husband has primary custody of my SD. SD is 9.

It is no secret that BM likes to play dirty.  She lied during the last court hearing where she was accusing my husband and myself of abusing my SD. She was testifying for an hour and finally after examination and cross-examination the judge said he had heard enough and denied her emergency motion for custody because her testimony was "not credible" on several main points to which he pointed out the inconsistencies in her story to the court and also in the minute entry.

So SD goes to BM's this past week for a school break.  I have posted before that BM has been constantly talking to SD about court and drilling her for information to use against us. BM told my SD that she is going to selling her wedding ring for money for an attorney to "win" back custody.  So this weekend my SD gets back and we're driving home.  During the drive home from the airport, I ask her the standard safe questions, "Did you have a good time?" and "Did you do anything fun?" Her answers are typical and I leave it at that, but my SD loves to talk and we have made it known, ever since BM has started telling my SD everything about court, she can ask us questions and talk to us about it if she wants, but we will never bring it up or drill her for information about her mother, etc.

So of course SD starts talking about the things her mother said:
1. SD said that BM says she will lie and do whatever it takes to "win" custody back because right now my husband is "winning".
2. SD said that BM has a story she has practiced on her other daughter and new husband to tell the judge.
3. SD said that BM told her she has to lie to the judge and whoever else she can in order for my SD to live with BM permantly. SD told BM that she can't lie and that it's not right.
4. My SD scratched the back of her leg right underneath her bottom on acupboard door a few days before she left for BM's house.  According tomy SD, when BM learned of this yesterday on the way to the airport, BMhad my SD drop her pants in the car so she could take a picture of thescratch.  BM told my SD that she was going to lie to the judge and saythat my husband hurt her thereby inflicting the minor injury.

SD has expressed to us that she wants to have time with both families.  She doesn't like being in the middle and she doesn't like it when BM drills her for information about us.

We know that all of BM's recent attempts to call CPS and the local law enforcement on us have failed.  BM is grasping at anything she can to change custody, and honestly I think she may have actually convinced herself and the people around her that SD is in real danger here and it is better for my SD to live there with BM.

We don't know what to do because this is getting out of control.  Should we ask a judge to slap her on the wrist and take another parenting class.  We're not even sure if that would help, but we know BM is out of control on this one.

Any input on my venting would be greatly appreciated.  Thanks.

My son is 5 and my stepdaughter is 9.  Due to the economy, we were thinking of renting out one of our three bedrooms to a long-time family friend and having the kids share a room.  Is it illegal for them to share a room? (We're thinking BM of SD might say so.)

Shrink Rap / Talking to the Child about Court proceedings...
« on: Jan 05, 2009, 10:22:48 AM »
I have a general question and wanted some input about experiences people have had with talking to their kids about custody/visitation arrangements, court, etc.
The reason I am posting it in this section is because in my particular case, my stepdaughter is really sensitive about the whole thing and BM keeps talking to her about court, about selling her wedding ring to take my husband back to court for custody, etc.  BM has told my SD that the reason we have to go to court is because of me and that I wrote all the paperwork.  Because of this, my SD has had alot of questions about court and the entire arrangement that exists (SD lives with her father and I and goes to school here in Arizona and visits BM in Colorado over school breaks and holidays.) SD is 9 and we try to seperate her from the conflict as much as possible and tell her that she only has to know that everyone loves her very much and not to worry.  My SD is enrolled in the school counselor's group regarding changing families with other children with separated parents to try to help her deal with some of her worries in a neutral environment.  But we are still concerned that BM should not be saying things of this nature regarding court to my SD and it could be potentially harmful mentally to her.
Any input is welcome...

Child Support Issues / NCP ordered to NOT pay CS!
« on: Dec 22, 2008, 10:53:48 AM »
Hello, I know that our situation may be on the other side of the coin for many of you, but do know that my husband paid CS for 5 years before gaing primary custody.
So my husband gained primary custody of my SD back in 2006 in Arizona.  SD's BM lived in Nevada.  The original CS order was filed in Nevada so Nevada continued to have jurisdiction since BM continued to live there until this month when she moved to Colorado.
Anyways, the history is that when my husband gained custody of my SD we immediately contacted the child support enforcement agency and let them know the change in custody.  His obligation for support stopped.  Then we filed for child support in Nevada through the Arizona CSE office.  The way the case was handled by both CSE offices was horrible. Arizona did not communicate with Nevada and two days before the support hearing, we learned that they didn't have any of the forms or information or court orders provided to Arizona.
So the day of the hearing BM (NCP) is ordered that she does NOT have to pay child support for her daughter that lives in Arizona with us for 2/3rd's of the year.  BM even makes more money than my husband.  The Nevada court gave her credit for having to pay for half of the airfare and travel costs for visitation, even though my husband pays the other half so really it should cancel each other out.  At the time BM had 2 other children, 17 year old son (who didn't live with her) and a 10 year old daughter with juvenile rheumatoid arthritis (which we know is a serious illness).  The court deviated from the standard formula because of her daughter with a disability which is fine, but BM does have to send a dime? Nothing to support her daughter?
Now we are going to file for CS in Arizona since BM has moved from the state of Nevada and jurisdiction can be moved here.  Her son has since turned 18 and she is no longer obligated to support him.  He is currently not attending college.  Since she still has her 11 year old daughter with RA, we want to know if anyone has had much experience with deviation from the child support formula in Arizona or anywhere.  I know in Nevada, they determined that BM owed nothing from case law and not from the statutes in Nevada. Thanks.

Dear Socrateaser / Christmas Visitation
« on: Dec 19, 2008, 10:17:29 AM »
The current Child Custody/Visitation order is in Arizona.  It was agreed upon in mediation between the parties.  Please interpret the following section of the court order/mediation agreement in regards to my question below:
"December, January: [Mother's parenting time]:
We agree that the mother will have our child for 21 days for the Christmas break from school in 2006 and 2007, starting the day after school ends and returning our child to the father after 21 days.  Our child will bring and school work to Nevada with her, so she will not fall behind in school.  We agree to re-negotiate this plan after the 2007 Christmas holiday. The exact times will depend on the available transportation of our child from Tucson to Reno. And return."
Being the CP, I have requested the NCP to return to mediation as agreed upon in our parenting plan.  She has refused and/or ignored my requests. I have filed the necessary paperwork to obtain a order from a judge to attend mediation and just received the order yesterday but it is still not in time to re-negotiate as stated in this section.
I have informed the NCP that she can have our child the day after xmas until the day before school begins since nothing has been negotiated for this year and the last agreement was only valid for 2006 and 2007.  The NCP does not agree and says that she still gets our child for 21 days.
1. Given the information and the order above, what is your interpretation of what is required for visitation for Christmas break 2008?

Visitation Issues / Christmas Visitation - Input Please!
« on: Dec 19, 2008, 09:38:40 AM »
Hello All,
It has been awhile since I've been on here because things have been going relatively well, but we have hit yet another bump in the road.
Quick history:
-My husband was never married to the BM of his daughter, age 9.
-In 2005, he filed for custody after my SD had been living with us for 2 years in Arizona,  while her mother lived in Nevada (threatening to take my SD if we didn't continue to pay her child support.)
-BM and my husband signed a parenting plan in mediation giving him full physical custody and sharing legal custody.  BM has every holiday with my SD from school except for SD's birthday which happens to be over Veteran's Day and 1.5 weeks in the summer. My SD flies to BM's house approximately once per month.
Current Situation:
The current parenting plan states the following regarding Winter Break visitation:
"December, January: [Mother's parenting time]:
We agree that the mother will have our child for 21 days for the Christmas break from school in 2006 and 2007, starting the day after school ends and returning our child to the father after 21 days.  Our child will bring and school work to Nevada with her, so she will not fall behind in school.  We agree to re-negotiate this plan after the 2007 Christmas holiday. The exact times will depend on the available transportation of our child from Tucson to Reno. And return."
Now my husband and I have asked BM several times in email and over the phone to return to mediation to negotiate the plan for the 2008 Christmas Holiday over the past few months to no avail.  Finally last month, we filed a request for the judge to order BM to return to mediation since it is agreed upon in their parenting plan.
Since we will not be able to return to mediation before Christmas we have told BM that she can have my SD the day after xmas until the day before school resumes.  BM is claiming that she is still entitled to have my SD for the 21 days even though the timeframe set forth in the order is for 2006 and 2007. Now BM has bought my SD's airline ticket which is departing today and we have no intent of putting SD on that plane, because it is not stated in their agreement/order.  Even though our proposal for the Christmas break was emailed to her back in September, BM has gone nuts and is saying that she will file a motion saying we are interfering with her court ordered parenting time, but from what we can tell it is not court ordered because it is not in the agreement. 
Input please! In the same situation would you put the child on the plane?  We have NEVER had a Christmas Day with my SD since my husband's and my son was born.

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