Topics

Well, I've been posting on here off and on for about 3.5 years. My DH has built up a VERY strong case for custody. He FINALLY was able to pay for an attorney and to file for custody in April. We have our first 2 hearings in August. BM and her attorney have tried to pull a LOT of crap in the last few months. There have been 3 meetings with the judge (basically our attorney and her attorney went in to talk to the judge regarding topics DH and BM didn't agree on. Kind of like a hearing, but not formal and no orders, just the judge telling the attorneys what to tell BM and DH. This includes BM saying she wouldn't release SD for DH's parenting time and the judge telling her if she didn't, he'd extend DH's parenting time). There is a hearing scheduled on July 10 for something unrelated to the custody hearing (BM doesn't want DH to continue SD's counseling during his parenting time.. She said he told her he was taking SD and didn't ask, but we have 2 emails showing he DID ask, and then after almost a month he finally just said he'd be setting it up since she never replied), one on July 18 for child support, and then 2 back-to-back days for hearings on August 2 and 3 for custody. They are the only ones scheduled for those days, so hopefully things can get figured out quickly given the evidence we have. When DH filed, he filed a TON of exhibits (I believe it went from A to GG?) showing how BM has neglected SD's educational, medical, and emotional needs. The judge told DH to tell him when DH could be in court and he'd set up a date immediately. We are hoping that is a good sign!

DH has a few issues...Most being BM giving wrong information or no information...But the BIG issue is not following doctor recommendations... In October 2009, DH had to get it COed that BM follow doctor recommendations relating to testing and treatment of ADHD. In April (and again in May), the doctor recommended counseling, behavior modification therapy, and tutoring. BM has done NONE of it. SD has been to 3 appointments with a counselor, all of which were just the counselor playing with SD because the appointments weren't close to one another. BM keeps changing and missing appointments, and about 2 weeks ago, DH got an email saying "Something came up so SD didn't get to her appointment. I'll let you know when she starts going again." Mind you, SD is supposed to be getting treatment for depression in addition to her ADHD. We figured out WHY she doesn't want to go to the counseling--DH got copies of records from SD's primary doctor, with the paperwork pertaining to the depression state that she cries multiple nights a week for DH. Given that BM tries to limit time with DH, obviously she wants no one to be told by SD that she wants MORE time...But SD NEEDS treatment for depression. The behavior modification can be done by the same counselor, but BM doesn't want to do that. And the tutoring that was recommended, DH has been providing online tutoring since February, and not ONCE was it logged in to while with BM, even though BM has the information.

There was also an entry in one of the appointment records that SD should have taken a break from her medication during the summer. DH would have gladly kept her off of it, since he doesn't like the side effects it's having on her weight and sleep. BM NEVER told DH, so SD stayed on her medication.

Anyway, the counseling, behavior modification, and tutoring were recommended in April and in May by the doctor, and they have also been recommended by the teachers and school counselor, AND they are included in the 504 Plan (stating they would need to see the progress from tutoring and behavior modification therapy). BM has told DH that "I don't answer to you." when he mentioned to BM that she is missing/skipping/cancelling more appointments than she's made...She also told DH "It wasn't recommended by anyone. It was just said that it'd be a good idea." (Here's your sign!!!!) How can DH approach an email/letter about recommendations not being followed? Even though she's COed to follow recommendations, she NEVER does....If he writes to her (and CC's her attorney) and she STILL doesn't follow through with the recommendations, would filing for a Show Cause even work? What I mean is, will they take it seriously? It's her mental health and education that is suffering here, and BM doesn't seem to care!!!!

I'm curious--what do YOU do to prepare for a custody hearing? How do you organize records? What do you document? Do you make copies for your attorney? What about witness statements--do you have them typed and notarize or do you record their statements for your records? Do you have letters of recommendation? etc etc etc. Anything and everything would be good to hear

How strong of an influence do medical records and doctors' notes have in Court?

My husband recently got a copy of a medical appointment report in the mail stating that SD has "problems in the home environment". We also have that in writing from the school counselor in her report following SD's 504/IEP evaluation. There is also documentation that BM wants medication increased when it's not necessary to increase it (as the behavioral issues are not related to AHD), and and admittance from BM in the doctor's paperwork that SD was exhibiting signs of ADHD prior to DH having to take the issue of testing/treatment to Court (she stated before age 7 there were symptoms. DH filed a month before SD's 7th birthday), while she claimed in Court paperwork that SD showed no signs. There's also a few lines in there about how SD needs to try other methods (DH has been asking for a YEAR to try the methods they recommended. This appointment was in April, it's now almost September and BM still hasn't started any of the other treatments), and how BM wants to increase the medication rather than try additional treatments, and how the doctor feels that in addition to ADHD, SD also has behavioral issues, a possible learning disability (that got ruled out with the school eval), and the line about the problems in the home environment. The doctor also noted that BM stated that SD is behind in all aspects of schooling, yet she ignored DH asking to have SD tested not only for ADHD but also the IEP/504 Evaluation AFTER the diagnosis was received. It wasn't until DH told the school intervention specialist that he couldn't make the decision solely (when she asked DH if he wanted SD evaluated to start the process), and the specialist emailed BM, that BM finally agreed.

Can any of this be used when/if he fights for primary custody?

What do you feel "affirmative obligation" means?

DH got an email from BM in response to his email stating that if he stays in the state for a few days when he brings SD back from his parenting time this summer that he would keep SD. Of course, BM replied "The order states 'At such other and futher times as the parties may AGREE; provided defendant shall have an affirmative obligation...' And I do not agree so SD will be to me by CO-DATE". She should have finished her own train of thought....Their CO states: "At such other and further times as the parties may agree; provided, defendant (BM) shall have an affirmative obligation to make the child avaialbel for visits when plaintiff's military obligations allow him to travel to the State of STATE and he provides her with advanced notice." DH is traveling on planes for 24 hours. He is going to have a day or two to stay before he flies back. Based on the wording, it seems he should be able to keep her with him. Are we right in that? Doesn't her having an "affirmative obligation" mean that she is required to allow visitation with DH when he is in her state? Yeah, it's only a day or two, but he goes MONTHS at a time without seeing her, so that day or two would mean the world to them. To BM it's just a way to prevent DH from having any additional time (she already tries to limit what is spelled out and COed...It's no surprise she'd try to limit this as well...)

Can BM legally access DH's dental insurance? She is NOT an authorized user. Only DH and I are supposed to have access to it. DH has not filled out any paperwork allowing BM access. Our entire family's information is filed under the insurance. Our address was changed to BM's address in the system. I checked our online account, and saw an EOB for SD for a recent appointment (that DH didn't know anything about), so I opened it. It was addressed to DH at BM's address. So, I checked, and DH's address was listed as BM's address for the insurance. ALL paperwork for our family would have been sent there (hopefully they didn't send anything! The last mailing WE got was in February, and it was insurance cards). She does not have access to the online account (it's password protected), but, she could contact them via telephone, email, or USPS. All she'd need is DH's full name, DOB, and his SSN (which is the policy number) to access the account.

DH has contacted the dentist and orthodontist to verify his contact information in SD's file (to prove that they have DH's address as a different address than what the EOB listed, in case BM tries to claim somehow the dentist or orthodontist changed it), and we have the EOB showing her address in case we need to prove it.

We will be password protecting the account for telephone, email, and USPS requests. We will be doing the same for the medical insurance. (There's no reason BM needs to access the insurance. She has all the information needed to use it to file claims, and DH is COed to provide the insurance, and pay any co-pays and uncovered expenses).

Can she legally access HIS account if she's not an authorized user and there's no way to access JUST SD's information (again, the account shows EVERYONE)? If not, what can we do about it?

So, once again, BM is attempting to deny DH's parenting time *sigh*...

Some background first-DH and BM split in March 2005, BM moved with SD in August 2005. Between then and April 2009, BM only "allowed" 3 visits to DH's home, despite the CO stating 50/50 (she moved 1000+ miles away, so it didn't really matter that they had 50/50...). Everything else she either denied, or he had to go to BM's state to see SD. In November 2008, DH told BM he was going to get SD for Christmas, since it was the 3rd week (his COed week), she said she didn't agree to it, he said it didn't matter since it was his COed week. She filed with the Court for an Ex-Parte (which was granted) preventing DH from having Christmas visitation. In February 2009, there was a Court hearing and DH was COed to have school breaks (more specific than that, but it's not pertinent to this post). In May 2009, when DH told BM he was exercising his parenting time, BM filed with the FOC to prevent DH from having ANY parenting time during his 3 year tour in Japan (the February 2009 order stated that both parents would sign for a passport--she never asked why, and on top of that, DH didn't get to tell her about his orders until April because she refused communication). Thankfully, it was denied, and it was COed that as long as DH was not in a dangerous/hostile country or deployed, he could exercise his parenting time. Until now, he's gone to see SD since summer 2009. In March, she stated she wouldn't send SD for Spring Break unless DH gave her a detailed itinerary (which at the time we did NOT have). So, in order to make sure that DH got to see SD, he went there.

Now, DH told BM at the beginning of this month that he will be bringing SD here for the summer. BM told DH she will not release SD til 6pm on his COed custody day. The CO does NOT state a time. DH and I have reserved tickets for SD for a flight leaving at 1205pm (the airport is 2-3 hours away from BM's home, depending on traffic). So, once again, she is trying to prevent DH from getting SD!!! She KNOWS we can't cancel or change tickets! DH has told her MANY TIMES. She is also aware that my parents are flying to meet SD at the airport and bringing her here, so she knows that DH won't be there to catch a later flight even if we could afford it. DH told her that he will file for a Show Cause hearing and ask for make up time and plane ticket costs if she doesn't have SD ready to go when his parents come to get her. She's saying he can't have her because BM has plans (more than likely camping--she did the EXACT same thing in 2009! She told DH she had a camping trip from the Monday before Father's day until the Tuesday after and that he could get her then......)...She ALWAYS makes plans on his time--ALWAYS.

Someone please tell me there is something that we can do to stop her from doing this in the future! DH isn't required by the Court to inform her of his intent, just of an itinerary (and no time limit on that, either). I'm half tempted to tell him next time just to say he's coming to town, show up, pick up SD, hand BM an itinerary, and leave. For now, DH has a fax to send to the FOC regarding this, and he's emailed BM and will be sending a letter to her stating the same as the email. We don't know what else to do!

Oh, and did I mention that she wrote to him that she has never violated a Court Order in any way?! LOL. Um, hello there, we have over 72 violations documented, with proof, against you. She's either crazy or in denial (maybe both. lol).

Why are people like this allowed to get away with this kind of crap? What, because she gave birth to SD she gets to do whatever she wants?

Okay, so DH emails BM on a regular basis (not daily. lol. Usually once a week with a general email asking specific questions about SD, like how's she doing in school, is she having fun in her extra curriculars, etc...Sometimes, if something comes up, he'll email more, like when she doesn't tell him about an appt, he'll email to ask how it went--his way of documenting she didn't tel him, as well as to actually find out how it went. lol). BM contacts him about one day per month. She claims it's because she doesn't have internet. However, she also has 18 SASE that DH sent in AUGUST for her to keep him updated on SD and for SD to send him letters, drawings, school work, etc. There were 20 originally. We got 2 back, only one with stuff SD did, the rest was a printout of something BM got at a seminar...Anyway, DH isn't getting information on SD. We've tried going AROUND BM, but we don't get much information that way. Even the counselor BM chose for SD is refusing to respond to him (he emailed her to introduce himself, give her a copy of the COs, etc, and hasn't received a response). Anyway, between the time difference with us in Japan, and the fact that BM has tried TWICE to get DH's parenting time stripped due to false claims (telephone conversations that weren't recorded), he refuses to talk on the phone. But, he left two means of contact open--USPS and email. BM isn't using either. Is there anything he can do? She is refusing to give SD's softball coach's information, not letting him know if she stuck with the counselor she chose or if she changed it (BM would be 100% responsible for the bill if she stayed), not letting him know about any appointments with the counselor or SD's doctor, etc...How hard is it to just send an email or letter to let him know what's going on, especially when it's COed stuff! It's been 15 days since BM had her mom email the counselor's information, and he's heard nothing about appointments (which it is COed to notify prior to ANY medical, dental, educational, extracurricular stuff). There's nothing COed about their contact with one another...So I'm guessing there's nothing he can do short of taking the issue to the FOC or Court?

BM threw a pissy fit the last summer after 2 weeks when SD was here because DH wasn't emailing her regular updates every few days. She never emailed him (like DH does with BM) to ASK him to email her, or to ask how SD is doing, what she's been up to, etc. He assumed she'd email to ask specific questions. Mind you, before 2009, BM wouldn't contact DH AT ALL about SD--for ANYTHING. And he got to talk to her NINE TIMES in FOUR YEARS during the times SD was with BM (MIL had SD a lot, though, so we were able to talk to her). And the only reason she contacted him about SD was because she knew he was getting the summer and she wanted to have emails from DH (Court was in Feb 09--she didn't tell him anything about SD until after Court). DH doesn't want to do a tit-for-tat, but at the same time, he's not sure if she'll GET IT. He's thinking of not emailing her til she emails him (who wants to bet he'll receive almost daily emails this summer, when she claims to have zero access to the internet, despite local libraries and her parents and in-laws having it, and she seems them a few times a week). He was also considering only emailing once a month. But he knows that would be petty (though I think it'd be funny to see what she sends him if he doesn't email. "I'll be taking this to Court!" lol). This summer, we are being proactive. We created an email account for SD to write to family as well as a blog for her to journal her days in, so that everyone can see what's going on with her this summer. We are emailing that information to BM, BM's parents, DH's parents, and my parents. This way, EVERYONE will have the SAME information. We are HOPING this will be enough without DH having to email BM for anything other than letting her know about any appointments SD has. SD is 8.5. Do you think this would be okay? It would limit DH having to email BM, and at the same time let BM know what is going on. He doesn't want to deal with the drama BM brought the last summer SD was here ("I'm contact the FOC if I don't hear from SD X times a week", "You know, I'd like an update on my daughter. You could at least email me", etc etc....). Is that okay?

Hey everyone I just had a really quick question... My DH took a co-parenting class online in October, which included a regular parenting class with additional teachings for co-parenting. He has the certificate for it (and a few copies of that certificate should he ever need to provide it to BM and/or the FOC or Court). The class was like either 8 or 12 hours worth of class (I can't remember). I was curious if he would need to retake that this year or next? We paid around $100 for the course, and it was one approved for the state/county they go through. I just don't know if it's something he should have to retake every year, or if once is good enough? He plans on trying for primary custody next summer, when we have returned to the U.S. (based on a lot of things, most of which I've never posted on here...I just come here for the "legal" stuff most of the time and post the rest elsewhere), so I didn't know if he would have to do it again before that? It wasn't COed to do--he just did it to be proactive, as well as to make sure that he knew he was handling stuff right with BM....

Also, another quick question... Is there anything he can do now to prepare for a custody evaluation? Like a psych eval, or a home eval (we can do it through an adoption agency here, or wait until we get back to the States next April), or anything other than documenting? We want to get as much out of the way as possible before he files. Any ideas on how to prepare over the next year?

DH's CO says "Husband will pay medical and dental co-payments and uncovered expenses, with the understanding that the children must use facilities and recieve services authorized under the military medical programs, for so long as the child is eligible for such services."

BM had her mother email me (yes, yes, I know... Why didn't she just email DH? lol). My SD's doctor thinks she has depression and wants her in counseling (something DH has asked for for 2 years...). Her doctor also wants her in Behavior Modification Therapy for her ADHD (something BM denied DH, saying SD's issues aren't "behavior related, they are medicine related"... yeah...). SD's doctor is in BM's old town (20 minutes away). DH offered to change her doctor to a new one in BM's town when BM moved in Jan 2010, she said no. ANYWHO...The email from BM's mom said that BM CHOSE the counselor and behavior therapist in BM's city, who DON'T take DH's insurance. Now, SD's doctor gave a referral for a Behavior Therapist, and can give one for a counselor as well, that take DH's insurance. BM wants DH to pay the hourly prices of the appointments for behavior therapy and counseling in her new town instead of where it'd be covered in her old town, because of "gas prices and her time". (yes, because she's just THAT important that she can't take time from being a SAHM to take her child to therapy...).

Anyway, DH replied to BM (CCed her mom, because her mom can tell her before SD start counseling), quoting the CO (including date, page, section, and quote), and stated that SD's doctor had given a referral, BM is chosing not to use that referral, and that DH will not be responsible for any fees relating to care with providers that BM choses knowing they are not providers authorized by DH's insurance.

My question is, can he get in trouble for not paying it, when it's in black and white in the CO? It SPECIFICALLY states that she has to use facilities that take his insurance if he is to be responsible for the costs. There wouldn't be a co-pay for counseling, and for the Behavior Modification Counseling, there may be a SMALL co-pay, which he would pay if she went through an authorized provider. However, she wants him to pay the FULL hourly fee for BOTH doctors, because she chooses not to use providers who take the insurance, because of her "time" and gas costs...I think she may try to pull the "he wanted it" and "I'm a SAHM". BUT, there ARE providers in the local area that take his insurance, and she is CHOSING to be a SAHM. Her baby was born back in March, and she said she's not going back to work to be a SAHM (which, they can't afford, but not my problem or concern, since DH provides everything SD needs).

I just have a quick question on imputing wages...

BM has a degree in something to do with computers (I'm pretty sure it's graphic design). She doesn't use that degree. BM was working part time (willfully chosing only part time) making $11.66 an hour. She chose to change to a job paying between $8-9, again only part time (by part time we are talking 2 days a week, sometimes 3). She is pregnant, and during a conversation with SD when DH asked if she was excited about her new baby sister coming, SD said something about BM quitting working after the baby is born (permanently, not just the normal 6 weeks). We are a year out for automatic review (BM has govt assistance), but BM making $0 and DH making more than he did at the last review, we know she'll try to get more. So, my question is can DH request an imputed wage at full time minimum wage, or would it only be part time? We have no way to prove what she could be making with her degree, which is why I asked about minimum wage. I asked around on a few other boards, but wanted to double check with you all to get a consensus.

My SD is at about 1st grade level in her work. She had to repeat Kindergarten, and now is on the path to failing second grade. BM put off the testing for ADHD, put off allowing DH to request the IEP/504 Process be started, and put off tutoring (DH offered to pay for it in 2009, and continued to tell her every few months, and she just responded 2.5 weeks ago). She hasn't had SD start the tutoring that DH is paying for (it's online, and there's a parent account to monitor the work). My DH wants to request that BM allow SD to "try" a school year with us to see if the programs and services available on our military base can help SD get back on track. He just doesn't know how to say it without flat out saying "I don't think you're taking care of her needs, so I will if you'll let me". Here's what he is willing to propose:
-Maintain joint physical and legal custody
-DH primary parent for a trial period of one full school year, beginning August 1. If SD achieves and maintains, or exceeds, grade level, then DH will maintain primary physical custody.
-DH will pay a lower CS and pay for SD to visit BM for Christmas break (he'd also make up a schedule should he maintain custody after the one school year, which will be the same time he is stationed back in the US) OR he will pay a higher CS and BM will pay for travel... We aren't worried about the money if it means SD will get the help she needs, and BM is all about money, so we figure it'd be an added incentive.
-DH will email BM atleast once a week (he'll set the same day each week) to let BM know what happened during the week and what is upcoming for SD. He will also reply within 24 hours to any emails she sends him regarding SD
-2 phone calls a week (on specified times). These can either be on the phone or on Skype. More as SD wishes
-Email access to SD (we'd monitor her internet usage). We'd set up an acct just for SD to email BM and her family.
-Copies of all progress reports, report cards, notes home, etc.
-Results of any doctor/dental appointments, and notice of all appointments, events, activities, etc.
-BM would get all but 3 weeks of summer (normally, she has only 3 weeks of summer).
-Copies of school work sent every 2 weeks.
-Letters in the mail from SD every 2 weeks (more as SD wants).
-Emails with pictures atleast once a month (we usually do more, but if we don't take many, we don't want her complaining).

DH doesn't know how to write up the proposal to her. In the past, he had written her a letter requesting she allow SD to come live here during his 3 year tour. She was going to let her, but her then BF (now DH) told her not to, because after 3 years, she "wouldn't be able to get SD back after 3 years". DH is NOT about taking SD from BM, he's about getting SD help.  Any ideas on the letter?

Also, BM does NOT want anything through the courts if she isn't primary parent (that's what DH was told about the last proposal). If they just did a notarized stipulation and DH waited until the end of his tour here to submit it to the Courts, would that be okay (when he would get to be primary custodian if SD's grades are good)? He wants to do whatever it takes to get SD here, but he also needs to cover his butt. SD would be here for 10 months-would that be long enough if he filed with the Courts to keep primary when he returns?