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Topics - allforher

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Visitation Issues / heading into court
« on: Apr 23, 2011, 01:50:34 PM »
I am looking for some creative ways to add certain holiday criteria to a CO.
With shared parenting and a week on week off schedule it can make for difficult Christmas negotiations.  I had proposed to DD that on the years I will have our child for Christmas day that we be allowed to travel out of state as I am remarried(9 years) and have 4 other children who have gp's out of town in louisiana and pa.  He said that he wouldnt' agree and have that in stone because he could have the potential to not have our child for at least christmas eve every other year.  Understandable, but then he proceeds to say that we need to stick to the week on week off schedule and I should only go out of town when child is on my week.  I will not have child on my week for the next 5 or 6 years based on a rotating schedule like this which means we can't go out of town to spend christmas with family.  Does anyone have anything creative we can add.  We don't go out of town that often really, it's expensive, the last time we were in Louisiana was 2004 so that tells you but in the past there has been major arguements for us to spend time with stepdads side of the family.  We now live 4 hours away from my husband other side of the family so thats easier to get to and we wouldn't need christmas eve but to go to louisiana we would.  I just want to be able to have the option at some point.  Trying to negotiate with dd always ends up in an arguement especially when I am the one asking.
Just today he mentioned that he's used to not having her, he hasn't had her in two years.  Which I am confused on, we've nearly shared time 50/50 and even years are mine for holidays but he had her Easter and Thanksgiving last year, so I am confused on what he is feeling......

Visitation Issues / daughter doesn't want to go back...
« on: Apr 17, 2011, 09:44:23 AM »
I have shared custoday of a 10 year old, week on week off and this past weekend she called and left me a message she does not want to be at her Dads and doesn't want to come back.  She also sent me an email and wants me to pick her up early.
I have spoken with daughter and said that I can't just intervene unless she is hurt, which she said she wasn't. Our agreement here is not in a CO, it's verbal, based on this weekend should I consider changing the current schedule?  We have tried this week on week off for about three and a half months now.  It was good at first, now daughter is feeling different, she does not get access to friends, extracurriculars other than the ones her Dad is involved, etc.  She is tired of the fighting between stepmom and her Dad, she says it's just stressful over there. 
I just don't know, she chose to do the week on week off to start off with, I am not sure if its a good idea to let a 10 year old dictate visitation but with whats going on I think  a court should intervene here, any thoughts?

Dear Socrateaser / sharing tax filing
« on: Apr 11, 2011, 08:58:37 AM »
I was wondering if when you enter into a shared parenting time agreement and tax filing comes up, if one of the parents isn't working for that year, then is the other parent allowed to file?
 Both parents are married, spouses are working, but not actual parents, would the tax filing then go to the step parents?  Thanks

Parenting Issues / When you just can't get along
« on: Apr 06, 2011, 11:19:50 AM »
Any body have any ideas/advice on how to get along with my daughters fathers?  I read books, go to my own therapist, heck, we even tried coparenting therapy that failed miserably.  Every time I turn around there is a new conflict and if there isn't a current conflict he will bring up old ones.  I made the decision to not engage when past things are brought up but it really gets under my skin when his memory of a conflict is distorted or just completely wrong. 
We communicate through email so I have proof of lots of things, I have even forwarded him things he has said but he tried to even twist those words around to place on the blame on me. 
I really just to get along with this guy.  We moved back to his home state after being gone for 7 years, I cancelled CS and now we are doing week on week visitation, he is involved in everything he chooses to be involved in.  School, sports, friends, everything.  I just don't know what else to do to make him feel satisfied, I don't even know that he can feel satisfied.  He's bipolar and it is making things so difficult!  I keep trying because my daughter loves him and loves spending time with him,I really wish it would come to a point that there wasn't such an "air" of stress when we have to come together on things, or be in the same room together.  He is just so angry with me and I don't even know why.  Help!

Visitation Issues / verbal agreements
« on: Mar 16, 2011, 04:20:05 PM »
Hi.  I am wondering if anyone can give some advice.  Currently my daughter has week on week off visitation schedule between me and her father.  We used to live out of state but 18 months ago we moved to the same state her Dad lives in.  I thought only fair that she start with weekly visitation, very liberal.  Only, 9 months later I get heckled about week on week off supposedly because my daughter wanted it.  NOw, she's 10 and can't come up with this herself, as a matter of fact one year before we moved to this state she came home from a summer visit talking about court and a  week on week off schedule.  I don't think it's a coincidence, I had told her father that very summer we were planning on moving and that his state was on our list.
Anyway, so through verbal abuse and guilt trips from her father, I folded and we have been doing the week on week off for 2 months.  It is creating so much more tension for her father and I and I am getting more and more assaulting emails and finger pointing about what I do with my life and in my home. 
OUr child is in therapy because she began to have behavioral issues last summer before the week on week off.  She is such a different girl now, which is expected to some degree considering she now has two homes and spends more time with her Dad. I never expected her to become violent or so disrespectful though.
Everything I have read leads me to believe that this current schedule does not work and is not in the best interest of the child unless the parents get along and are civil.  I have tried my best to leave his life alone, only requesting information concerning medical insurance, living arrangements, etc.  He is bipolar and has admitted he is not on medication as he needs to be.  I truly feel this is hindering a civil relationship between us.  Simple things like coordinating time and travel for extra curriculars turns into him attacking me.  I really want us to get along and I have tried my best, I go to my own therapist, we've tried coparenting therapy, etc.  Nothing is working.  I essentially have given him everything he's wanted, even though I was skeptical and concerned for our child.  I decided to trust that things would smooth out and now I am realizing that it may never be civil between us. 
The worst part is knowing he has a child with yet another woman, and he has no rights at all to that child.  There is no custody arrangement and he gets her every other weekend, he pays CS but he is not even on the birth certificate.  He treats this other mother so much differently. 
I know i need a backbone but I am so worried to hurt our daughter.

Custody Issues / do I take action?
« on: Mar 16, 2011, 12:17:19 PM »
Hello   I am currently in a sticky situation with my daughters father.  Let me give a brief history.  We were never married, barely had a relationship and had a child together.  When she was born he was not involved, I was asked to have him sign over his rights by his family due to his Bipolar Disorder.  I declined due to my overwhelming desire for my child to know her father since I did not know mine(due to mental illness), can you believe that!  What are the odds?  Anyway, I got no child support or financial help for about 18 months, he was in and out of our lives. Although, our child had regular visitation at his mothers home, where she was mostly in charge and he came and went.  We tried to have a relationship again when our daughter was about 6 months old, that lasted 3 months or less before it ended dramatically with the cops being called to the home.  I moved to another city for training/work purposes and he still did not help.  I pursued CS in court and agreed to joint custody due to a threat made by him to use his mothers money in court to battle me. 
Finally, he went to prison I got remarried and moved out of state.  She visited his parents regularly until she began school, then it went to summer and holidays/breaks.  WE now live back in the same state.
Our visitation schedule is verbal, it started with his time being Thurs. to Sun. every week.  I stopped CS collection to be nice since we almost shared time evenly.  I eventually asked for pick up on Sunday mornings because we had no weekend time with her and we went to church.  The first summer we spent here I was pushed an persuaded to enter into a week on week off schedule, mind you after a summer of fighting and rediculous behavior between us both.  Not gonna just blame him here.  Anyway, I declined and didn't think it would be in her best interest because of the unstable relationship between me and her dad.  I have been verbally abused by him on the phone and through email since we have moved here.  I do not attack him or the things he does in his own life but he does attack me.  For example, he quit his job or got fired, and lost our daughters insurance, he never told me.  I found out through our child.  He moved in a strange man to help him out and never told me, never gave me his name, nothing.  I never said a word to him at the time.  So, we tried therapy...it failed.  I am still being verbally abused and he is discussing issues and things with out daughter.  he makes sure she knows his discontent with me.  I am currently in my own therapy to try and deal with him 
What do I do?  Oh and stupid me finally after being beaten down agreed to try week on week off.. what a nightmare!  I can't even fart without him up my butt! Seriously!
I want to stop the week on week off so it goes back to a primary caretaker type role for me.  I still want our daughter to spend time with him but I don't believe this schedule is in her best interest.  Maybe if there was assemblance of civilness but there isn't.  I truly believe his mental condition aids in the failing of our coparenting.  I just don't want to hurt our daughter and I want them to spend time together.  I just don't think he and I can have joint custody anymore, uggg what to do!  Sorry, not so brief huh?

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