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Messages - mdegol

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Custody Issues / Re: custodial eval report vs standard guidelines
« on: Jan 10, 2012, 02:33:09 PM »
How did you find out that the judge is going to order this?  Did he tell your attorney? 
That schedule sounds kind of ridiculous.  Is that a standard schedule in Arizona?  Or just this county?  What is your current schedule?  Why is it being changed (who requested it, what was the material change in circumstance and are they considering this a change in custody or a change in parenting time)?  I ask abot the treatment of the case because sometimes you can argue that a change "amounts" to a change in custody if there is a dramatic increase or decrease in parenting time.  Changes in custody have higher thresolds to be allowed than changes in parenting time.  What is the schedule after 5? I read appeals cases, and have found a lot of valuable information by doing that.  When you read them, you might be able to find a case similar to yours or having some kind of aspect.  Then you would have to appeal (it is difficult, but my state you can do this without an attorney).  If the trial is over, you may not be able to submit more evidence to him (although I am not sure).  We need a lot more details to be able to help.  Reading the appeals case is also good because it can help you for the future so that you can request changes. 
I don't like the revenge statement, but maybe that's 4am talking.  Revenge on who and by doing what?  The best revenge is to be a wonderful parent and have your children love you.  PASing parents seem to take care of the revenge part themselves in the long run! 

General Issues / Re: Court date interfers with parenting time?
« on: Nov 13, 2011, 02:28:35 PM »
Say, if it is drive that is annoying her, why not take it off the table so as not to risk Thursdays?  Or at least to stop fighting over them?  While you don't have to-life seems a little too short to be dealing with her relentlessly trying to get rid of them due to the drive.  If she doesn't have to pay for court, this could go on and on.  If Thursdays were acceptable to her if the drive was split I would just do it and move on with my life.  What's a little more driving compared to some peace and quiet?  Do a cost/benefit analysis of the issue.

You have a point Ocean.  There certainly are toxic people that cause more damage than the good they bring.  And that's a good point about court.  She could always take it there, but if there is some big problems, that could be stopping her.  Its probably just my own insecurities that made my skin crawl a little bit.  In the end-it IS a parental decision and certainly could be the right call.

It just seems pretty heartless.  Kids lost mother, grandmother is losing daughter and grandchildren.  Hard to believe that it doesn't matter to the kids that the mother died.  You are speaking of parental alienation, but part of a custodial parents obligation is to facilitate a positive relationship of the children with the other parent.  I suppose once the other parent actually dies, it is entirely incumbant on you to make sure that happens, since there is no one else that will be able to do that for them at this point.  Trying to erase her from their life, even saying that new wife's family substitutes for mother side, seems to smell like a form of parental alienation, even easier to do with a deceased parent.  For me, it brings up fears because I know my ex would do EXACTLY the same thing while dancing on my grave (my kids are young enough that they wouldn't even remember me) and making me sound like the devil himself.  Definitely cut off my family, for what I think he would justify to himself as legitimite reason.  So maybe that's why I am sensitive about it.  Sad to say.  You may be completely justified, but it sounds really harsh.  I apologize if my comments offend you, but realize we are only getting one side of the story.  And I guess from now on, that's the only one the children will get also.

Hmm, you didn't mention that there was a child support case already open.  As ocean said, if you don't show up and he doesn't contest paternity he could get custody on paper.  A default judgement.  Think about this: He gets custody on paper, he doesn't have to pay child support but you do.  Even if he doesn't want custody, any halfway decent lawyer will tell him it is in his best interest.  People change their mind and end up wanting custody, especially if they have to pay thousands in child support.  Money is a touchy subject.  These situations are very fluid.  So you should keep track and show up to any case that continues because you could be asking for a big surprise if you don't.  Make sure the court has your new address.

I know you had a lot of trouble with them-it is a good reason for ex-in-laws to maintain a good relationship with their children't ex-spouses.  But....you need to be very careful here.  Just a question-did the children attend their mother's memorial then?  These types of things can end up causing you trouble in the future.  Like-when child is 20 or so might be pretty upset since they wouldn't understand were it came from.  Try to find a way for children to still have a relationship with their relatives from the mother's side of their family.  Maybe you could invite grandmother over a few times to visit them at your house?  Maybe you could mend the relationship enough so that children can still know their grandmother?  All you can do is try.  PS. At some level that's what grandparents do-spoil their grandchildren...just saying...

General Issues / Re: Heart breaking for DH & SD
« on: Nov 03, 2011, 11:56:05 AM »
You can't control what BM does. She's going to say things that are going to mess this child up-this is obvious from her terrible behavior.  If I were a child, I think that my biggest fear would be any preceived rejection from the man I knew as my father.  Thus, a failure to fight could be seen that way.  There was a case like this I saw once (the guy didn't want to pay child support) and he refused to have the non-biological child on visits and wanted to terminate his rights.  The interviews with the child were heartbreaking.   The most painful part of the situation was the rejection from her father.  If she is talking to the other guy then she knows the truth and she can develop a relationship with him.  I think the best way for DH to help her through this is to fight.  You can do a DNA test without her knowledge privately.  BM will probably tell her the results anyway, but I wouldn't even act like it matters.  Even if the results exist, you can ask that the court render the results inadmissible.  I am not certain it will work, but you have a very strong "best interests" argument. 
I guess if I were him I would say-the test means nothing. I love you-I am your dad forever.  You are my daughter.  She can then digest the rest of it without having to worry about a rejection from her father.  Legally, it is in this child's best interest (IMHO) that DH retains his rights and custody.  I can see you love her, so I am sure you just want to do what is best for her without being selfish.  I can't see how displacing the child would serve her interest in any way.  While it is BM's fault due to her deception (if it is even true)-this would be no different than a child that finds out they are adopted at a late age.  The child shouldn't experience any changes to their life other than an additional relationship with her BF.

General Issues / Re: Heart breaking for DH & SD
« on: Nov 02, 2011, 07:22:01 PM »
Oh, that is so sad.  You can only tell her that it doesn't matter.  You love her no matter what.  Legally, it depends on the state.  In my state, as long as it is within a marriage, there is a period of time (3 years) to declare someone else "the father" after which, husband dad is dad legally as long as he doesn't agree to relinquish his parental rights. In other words, you definitely have an argument against DH losing his parental rights.  Especially with how old the child is.  He might be able to stop the admissibility of the DNA test. 

Custody Issues / Re: do aunt and grandparents have any rights?
« on: Nov 02, 2011, 06:51:53 PM »
If father is not listed on the birth certificate (so I am assuming birth certificate is blank in father's spot), you have sole physical and legal custody.  He has to file for his paternity rights or you have to file a paternity case (child support), in which he will have to take a DNA test to prove that he is the father.  This is the only way he will get parental rights.  Once he has parental right, you MUST get his permission to leave.  If you leave after that without telling him, you can go to jail for parental abduction and lose custody of your child.  Actually, if you even want to move 100 miles away (in most states) you have to get his permission, much less leave the country.  If he agrees it is no problem in every case.  If you have some emails-keep them.  If he is not asking for rights, you are the only legal parent to the child, so you can do as you choose.  If he does it after you leave, he will get visitation rights, but only after he proves he is the father.   After you (well really baby) have lived in the other country 6 months, he will have to file in your country, not here.  Personally, I think it is really important that both parents are involved, but if he doesn't have any inclination and on top of that a marriage with another woman-that seems like as dangerous of a situation to have child be psychologically damaged.  Might be better if he deals with his situation on his own first, but if I were you I would make sure he was able to contact her if he changes his position.  So once you are settled in the other country, you keep contact with the sister and he could get a hold of you and baby through her.  The sister has no legal standing. The only thing she could do is try to convince him to file for parental rights and stop you from leaving.  To me, sounds like he is telling you to go and his family is saying they will visit, so they are also telling you to go-sad that he doesn't want to take responsibility but do what is right for you and your child right now.  Your family's support can help at least a little for the child.  You can always move back if things take a different turn in the future.  Also, you can always file for child support.  If you change your mind in a couple of years, you can do it then. Just like he can change his mind and file for parental rights at any time, even after you left.

Dear Socrateaser / Re: Husband Is trying to get Sole Custody
« on: Oct 08, 2011, 06:28:37 PM »
Kelly-I just find it wrong that you put this lady's name through Google and then posted the link like that (although lesson to poster-no need to put your real name and ADVISABLE not to).  It is spooky.  You think posting it on here was going to make some kind of point?  The only point YOU have made is that you are a bit on the scary side.  You gonna look up this lady's address and start driving by now too?

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