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Once you're established as the father (in a paternity action in court, filed by either parent), you have equal rights as a parent.  However, there are way more complex things that will determine who will have what custodial timeshare and legal authority.

I agree with the approach suggested by MySonsDad.

I would emphasize (as he mentioned) that you should DOCUMENT all time that you spend with your child, from day one.  Keep a personal log, and update it daily with start/end times of the care you provided.

Additionally, since you have a few months, take a parenting class right now.  You don't need to tell anyone about it, but it could come in handy if you end up in court to be able to provide a certificate of completion or an affadavit from the class instructor as to your attendance and participation.

You need to do everything to stack the deck in your favor.... and that means being as involved as possible with the newborn child and staying out of court for at least 6 to 12 months while you establish yourself as a very involved parent.

I strongly disagree with the messages of doom a couple folks have insinuated here.

Every situation is different, and none of us know anything about yours.  None of us can make any prediction or even an educated guess as to your future.

If you provide a few details (i.e., are you still in the relationship with the mother, do you live with the mother, is the mother a relatively stable person with no sordid background, are you a relatively stable person with no sordid background), it would be helpful in giving you more specific guidance.

On my website, there's a list of books I recommend, some of which would be very helpful to you.

The most important thing, if possible, and as MySonsDad emphasized is to keep this out of the courts at the beginning.  The mother does have an advantage with a newborn, especially if she decides to deny your access until court orders are in place.

Good luck.  You're starting what could be a very difficult path for you, but the payoff of being a parent is well worth it (most days).

That's pretty scary.

I'm not being glib when I say I wonder how many custodial parents in Wisconsin will seriously consider reducing their work hours or quitting altogether, knowing that the noncustodial parent will be dinged with higher child support.

I think that case opens a whole slippery slope.

Hi Shelly,

Sorry to hear what you're having to fight against.

You've already received some wonderful words of support and advice, and I can't do much better, so I won't try to outshine them in the comfort and hope area.

I have two book recommendations for you... you write well enough to suggest that you probably also read pretty well.

The first book that you MUST buy, and you and your husband MUST read together is called Divorce Poison, by Warshak.

Not only does it describe what your SD is being exposed to, but it also gives many proactive steps (rather than reactive) to try to battle the poison dribbling into this girl's head.

There's a further description of Divorce Poison on my website, and a link to buy it on Amazon.  Or go to your library or local bookstore.  YOUR SITUATION is the exact one for which this book was written.  Buy it or order it today... okay?

Second recommendation is to educate yourself about personality disorders.  It could very well be what you're facing with BM.  There's a book called "Understanding the Borderline Mother", which can help you have greater empathy for your SD (i.e., which would provide YOU greater inner peace) and fully understand the dynamics that could be at work here.

Go over to //www.BPDcentral.com and see if the description of a borderline personality disorder seems to fit the BM.

Finally, if you and your husband feel that SD's therapist has been snowballed by BM's influence, it's time to look for a new therapist.  If you're not dealing with a clinical psychologist who has been well-exposed and educated in the matters of personality disorder, a lesser-trained therapist can actually contribute to futher damage being done by assuming all parents are mentally healthy.

All of that said, if SD is not yet (or currently) going down a destructive path of manipulation, bad grades, surly attitude with everyone, laziness, conning, etc... it's going to be up to you and husband to manage all of this on your own (and perhaps with a therapist who has greater insight).  The court is a reactive beast-- it wants to see evidence of damage before it changes anything.

Good luck.

Hi,

Well, the bad news is that you may have picked a lousy woman to be the mother of your child.

The good news is that you have plenty of time to start learning about how child custody works.

The other bad news is that it is in your interest to FAKE IT for a couple more months.  That will help you in your determination to be a father.

The final bad news is that if you don't stay with the woman, you WON'T be a father every step of the way.

You're going to get limited time with the child as a newborn, though it may be frequent time.

Your worst case scenario, as a never-married father, is if the mother moves away or keeps the baby away from you prior to any court orders.  You've got an even bigger uphill battle at that point.

So, I would suggest that you spend $70 on "Win Your Child Custody War" by Hardwick.  There's a link to it on my website, or you can order it straight from Amazon.  Send it to a location (e.g., your work) where the mother won't see it.

Do your best to stick around the mother until after the birth.  You can't really file any paperwork until the baby is born.  If you're "with" the mother at birth, you may get your name on the birth certificate as the father... that will help you (but not a slam dunk).

If you screwed up and got a woman pregnant in a casual relationship, you've got a price to pay.  That price is having to deal with her for 18 years, if you want to be a father... and it could indeed lead to long legal battles.  It will also require monthly child support payments once you separate from the mother.

However, the price does not include sacrificing your relationship with the child.  If you proceed correctly, the court will help you protect that (maybe not as ideally as you'd like, but you'll be involved with this child for 18 years, by court order).

Your best bet may be to get your paperwork ready to file with the court shortly after the birth, and do your homework to understand an appropriate parenting plan for a newborn, 6 month old, 1 year old, 2 year old, etc.

I agree with the previous poster that you may want to enroll in a parenting class as soon as the baby is born.  It wouldn't hurt you, and it may help you.

Hi,

I think there's nothing wrong with your perspective, but bothering the GAL with matters about a 1 hour earlier pick-up that is getting denied (per court orders) seems a bit petty to me.

Unless there's more of a history to this, where such a letter would play into a bigger picture outcome, I wouldn't send it.

If the "bigger picture" is that mom claims she's flexible and gracious with custodial time, and you know she isn't, this letter would show what you're trying to prove.

If that's the case, then I'd change the "judgment" tone contained in your last sentence and restructure it as, "I remain uncertain why mother feels daycare is more important than having a fun afternoon with me and my family on the occasion I can arrange it."

Let the GAL draw the conclusion of it being unfortunate.  Just lay out the facts.

You are correct that only you and she should be discussing the child.  You have no obligation to deal with her boyfriend in conversation.  You can simply tell him, "I'll discuss this with (the mother)."

But, the exchange is a different story.  You are there only to pick up or drop off your son.  No need to have any interaction with whomever is on the other side to likewise pick up or drop off.

Your initial question has been answered.

And on the new issue you mention of taking phone calls from boyfriend, from now on adopt a policy of, "Please have (mother's name) call me to discuss any matters about our son" and hang up.

Yeah, I think you're wrong in how to approach it, regardless of the validity of how you feel.

Just carry a microcassette recorder with you, and if any trouble starts a-brewin', whip it out, announce "I'm recording", and record any conversation.

If he's threatening to kill you, or if he frustrates your access to your child, or if he assaults you; THEN you have grounds to do something.

But if he behaves himself, then no problem (other than ego issues, but we all have to learn how to deal with that).

In general, parents may assign responsible adults to do caretaking, transporting, etc., unless court orders prohibit such.

Hi,

Way to go!  Look at how many people have been rooting for you.  :)

Just focus on rebuilding your relationship with your son (though it doesn't sound like much of the bond has dissipated).

If you focus on him and nothing else, in due time, he'll be sharing all those secrets because he'll trust you.

My 5 year old daughter has been telling me secrets for the past 18 months (e.g., "Momma said that I'll never see you again"), and they've never gotten back to her mother.  So, my daughter has increasing trust to come to me with stuff that bothers her, sometimes makes me promise not to say anything.

Just enjoy your son... everything else will fall into place once you have enforceable orders.

Sometimes it's not too late for hindsight, and other times it is.

Unfortunately... I think your regrets have come too late.

No matter where jurisdiction is, mother will hammer that you and she agreed to this move (i.e., and hence you presumably agreed that it was best for the child), she will call your change of mind "flippant" and unfair to impose on the child that has already settled into a new home (and with daycare already weeks or months in place by the time you see a court), and she will argue that you should have to pay for all the attorney fees she's incurred because you unjustly went back on your agreement.

I think the only shot you'd have is if something changes post-move.  For example, if the mother completely interferes with your ability to see your daughter as often as you'd like... you'd have a strong argument to then go to a judge and say, "I made the move-away agreement under the likewise agreement that I would remain this child's father.  Mother has used the move as an alienation tactic, and hence the move is clearly not in this child's interest."

But failing that, I think you should figure out a way to stay very involved in this child's life.

A move to Des Moine would be ideal.  If that's not possible, seeing your daughter at least monthly is important, and within a few years, you'll likely be able to have her in Chicago for weeks at a time.

Good luck.

Hi,

Y'all have many decisions to make together.

If you want this boy to be a part of your lives, it will come with 15 years of chaos and conflict.

The mother will likely fight you every step of the way.  It's great that you and your ex-husband have a cooperative relationship, but not all parents are like that.  You and your current husband may be like that, but all it takes is an unreasonable person to create havoc.

So, here's the situation:

1.  Your husband will be paying child support from here on out.  That's a given.

2.  Your husband likely won't get sole custody EVER unless the mother is a heroin addict and her father is a molestor.  It's not likely that your husband will get 50/50 for at least several years, if ever.  There's a decent chance that the mother will get sole custody, based upon what you outlined and presuming she's not unfit.

3.  To fight the mother, it will be costly.  You may end up paying $10k in attorney fees just through the first hearing, and if a custody evaluation is ordered, you may pay another $10k, all within the first year.

4.  There is a 3 year old boy somewhere who has ZERO bond with his biological father, and vice versa.  That 3 year old boy likely has NO PARENTAL CONFLICT in his life right now.

5.  If your husband can let it go at just paying child support, your marriage will not be strained by dealing with the mother of his child.


All signs are pointing to this gearing up to a highly conflicted and contested custody situation, and your husband has the uphill struggle... how is a court supposed to take him seriously when he WALKED AWAY FROM THE CHILD?!  It will take quite a while of being involved with this child for your husband to have as much credibility to act in the boy's best interest as the mom will have.

The mother's claim of abuse fear is common, but that is only the beginning of stuff like that.  It's a taste of more to come... so think about that.

A custody fight can be consuming, can distract you and husband from your two kids, can eat up your finances, and can really test a marriage.

If you and your husband want what's best for this child... before deciding what to do, I suggest you may want to spend some money on a private investigator.

Find out more about the mother and her father.  If a private investigator comes back and says that they seem normal, stable, non-criminal, home every night, takes the kid out to have fun during the day, have normal friends, no signs of drugs... it may be a bit easier to walk away from a custody fight.

If the P.I. turns up some disturbing dirt, it'll make your decision easier AND you'll have evidence for use in a custody battle.

Also, if you want to read about some of the things that occur during all stages of child custody litigation, take a gander at my website (read some of the scenarios that people have asked me about).

If your husband is a religious man, it may be worth a chat with his rabbi, priest, reverend, etc to try to determine the best moral decision from among all bad choices.

You're in a really tough position.  Good luck with it.