#1. Your son should not be calling your DH 'dad'. He has a dad, as much as you and he don't get along, he's still your son's dad. Your DH is not and should not be expecting to be called dad. My SD has never called me mom and I've been involved in her life since she was a toddler - and been more of a mother to her than her own, but still I don't expect to be called mom. She calls me dsm. Her mom holds a special place in her heart - and that is how it should be. Don't expect your son to divide his loyalty or love.
#2. Your son is old enough to understand that he should not be mistreating anyone. And I think that you need to instill in him that it is never right for anyone to hit anyone without due cause. If he seems to be having trouble grasping this concept, and is under stress with it, look into a child counselor who will help him to realize that there is appropriate behavior. Your son is also old enough to be in a discussion with you about family - explain that family doesn't have to be by blood - that he can love all people involved in his life - neighbors, friends, aunts, uncles, step-family members the same as he loves you or your ex. And when he says that his dad says that no one in the step-family is his family, you say that his dad is entitled to his opinion but that you believe differently and that he should consider the people in his life family.
#3. Don't involve your son in the matters of child support and what his dad owes. Take that up with your local child support enforcement office and let them handle it with your ex.
#4. Reinforce to your son that there is no one that will come and hurt him.
How often does your son see his dad? You mentioned that until your son was 4 his dad was not involved in his life. What you can do is send your ex a letter asking for him to stop discussing child support with your son; ask him to bring questions to your attention versus expecting a 5 yearold to answer how things run in your house; that you are bringing up your son to take value in important people in his life and that while your younger sons are not 100% blood relative they are in fact brothers and you are bringing him up to be a caring young man. Don't expect that your letter will do anything to change things, but at least you will have it documented that you tried.
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dsm - 34
DH - 38
SD - 15
LO - 9
BB - 2
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2 Cheap Entertainment cats - Snoop & Dagger - 5 years and counting.....
#2. Your son is old enough to understand that he should not be mistreating anyone. And I think that you need to instill in him that it is never right for anyone to hit anyone without due cause. If he seems to be having trouble grasping this concept, and is under stress with it, look into a child counselor who will help him to realize that there is appropriate behavior. Your son is also old enough to be in a discussion with you about family - explain that family doesn't have to be by blood - that he can love all people involved in his life - neighbors, friends, aunts, uncles, step-family members the same as he loves you or your ex. And when he says that his dad says that no one in the step-family is his family, you say that his dad is entitled to his opinion but that you believe differently and that he should consider the people in his life family.
#3. Don't involve your son in the matters of child support and what his dad owes. Take that up with your local child support enforcement office and let them handle it with your ex.
#4. Reinforce to your son that there is no one that will come and hurt him.
How often does your son see his dad? You mentioned that until your son was 4 his dad was not involved in his life. What you can do is send your ex a letter asking for him to stop discussing child support with your son; ask him to bring questions to your attention versus expecting a 5 yearold to answer how things run in your house; that you are bringing up your son to take value in important people in his life and that while your younger sons are not 100% blood relative they are in fact brothers and you are bringing him up to be a caring young man. Don't expect that your letter will do anything to change things, but at least you will have it documented that you tried.
==============================================================================
dsm - 34
DH - 38
SD - 15
LO - 9
BB - 2
------------------
2 Cheap Entertainment cats - Snoop & Dagger - 5 years and counting.....