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Those are all some very good ideas for timeshare. Anything you can do to keep things flexible and friendly for the sake of the children is always better. The best thing that your kids can have to thrive through this is a schedule that stays constant so even at their young ages they know that "Daddy is coming on Thursday" or "Mommy is picking us up on Sunday". I even made a calendar for when our kids were younger so they could see that blue days were dad days and pink days were mom days. Even at a young age, it's important for their stability and to not feel as if everything is out of their hands. True, yes it is, but something as simple as a calendar can be a real comfort measure, even for a three year old.

One thing to keep in mind for you, and this is coming from someone who is a vetern of the Florida court system. It is like molasses. You think you're irked that you have to wait until February to get scheuled with the mediator? Don't plan on going to court for everything for another 6 to 12 months after mediation. It takes that long to get a court date, unless it's an emergency situation. I filed for custody in July of one year, and we didn't actually get in front of the judge until the next April for one ten minute meeting. The actual case didn't get scheduled until July. So that's one whole year.

One thing that I've found that's huge in the FL court system is "status quo". You'll hear that often. Make SURE that the schedule that you make TODAY is the one that you want to have for the next umpteen years. Be extremely precise about things you want to phase into the parenting plan for upcoming years.

Now please don't take this next part as bashing, because I'm not. You mentioned that you thought your ex just wanted to establish having the kids more often so that he could get out of paying the state supported amount of child support. Here is my experience, and you can take from it what you want. . . . .

Just because the state of Florida says that the non custodial parent should pay X amount of dollars does not mean that that is what is best for the children. Keep in mind that anything over 40% overnights is what the state says changes the equation for calculating child support. Unfortunately for the children, anything less than 40% overnights can make the non custodial parent a mere visitor in their child's lives. Any lawyer worth his/her salt is going to tell you to only allow the other parent every other weekend and one afternoon a week, but you really have to ask yourself if that is what's best for the children, and in most cases it usually isn't. So it leaves you with a choice to make, which is go for all the child support you can get and leave the other parent with minimal time, or work out a schedule where neither parent is a visitor in their children's lives and a Motion to Deviate from Child Support Guidelines is agreed upon.

It sounds to me like you are on the right road and want what is best for your children. One other thing to keep in mind is all of the little stuff that may come up as they get older as far as costs are concerned. In our case we calculated child support less than the state guidelines, but we split 50/50 all of the incidentals that come along. Believe me, they add up --- everything from ordering pics from school, field trip, special outfits, birthday party presents, fees for extracurricular activities, etc. Say you did get the full state calculated amount of child support, but you were responsible for paying 100% for all of these "little" things. They add up, and can sneak up on you, believe me. So when you're figuring out calculation, be sure you don't cut off your nose to spite your face.

I wish you luck in working this out with your ex. You've got a long road ahead of you, but doing the right thing and taking the high road will really pay off in the long run.

FLMom

There's two things that come to mind. . .

1) Passport.

2) She's trying to cash in some stocks or savings bonds that are in his name somewhere.

FLMom

I think it would be wise for your husband to pull out a copy of his divorce decree or legal custody agreement and take a look at it.

If you live in Florida, you can be a "non custodial parent" and still have joint legal custody.

That's how it is in my situation. My ex has primary custody and we have joint legal. That means joint decision making in matters of school and medical.

IF you have joint legal, tell your husband to march right up to that school with a copy of his legal papers. It is illegal for the school to  consider him anything less than equal to the parent with primary custody IF you also have joint legal.

Case in point: My ex enrolled our kids in a new school, conveniently leaving me off of the paperwork as their mother. When I called the school to ask about their teachers and classes, I was treated like I was dripping with germs. I was told that I was not allowed any information about our children unless I could prove I had some kind of custody.

The next day I went into the school and requested copies of all of the forms that my ex had filled out, along with the names of their teachers and their schedules. They called the principal over to the desk. She took one look at the divorce decree papers and said, "Give their mother whatever forms and information she wants".

Also, if it's true that you do have joint legal, you can request that the grandmother's name be removed from the list of people allowed to take them out of school. You're legally allowed to pick them up. Because she isn't a custodian or guardian and you're joint legal with the mother, you have that right. The school has no choice but to comply.  


Here is a portion of the FL Statutes dealing with this:

Definitions:

"Custodial parent" or "primary residential parent" means the parent with whom the child maintains his or her primary residence.

"Noncustodial parent" means the parent with whom the child does not maintain his or her primary residence.

"Shared parental responsibility" means a court-ordered relationship in which both parents retain full parental rights and responsibilities with respect to their child and in which both parents confer with each other so that major decisions affecting the welfare of the child will be determined jointly.

(SEE!--- Don't let that phrase "non custodial" make you feel like you have no rights, because you DO unless a judge has taken them away! Read on. . . . .)

61.13  Custody and support of children; visitation rights; power of court in making orders

b. 3.  Access to records and information pertaining to a minor child, including, but not limited to, medical, dental, and school records, may not be denied to a parent because the parent is not the child's primary residential parent. Full rights under this subparagraph apply to either parent unless a court order specifically revokes these rights, including any restrictions on these rights as provided in a domestic violence injunction. A parent having rights under this subparagraph has the same rights upon request as to form, substance, and manner of access as are available to the other parent of a child, including, without limitation, the right to in-person communication with medical, dental, and education providers.

Good Luck,
FLMom

In an ideal world I think equal custody time is the way it should be.

However, it seems by the poster's letter that her ex does have an acknowledged alcohol problem. If it's something large enough that lawyers----his included----mentioned weekly alcohol testing, this may be a good time frame for him to get his act together. As the poster said, this is a temporary arrangement of custody time. Someone who retains a lawyer and is smart tells their lawyer everything. If his own lawyer is in agreement of weekly testing then that kind of tells you something, doesnt' it?

I think we've become jaded lately due to some flamers popping up. It doesn't make every new poster someone to poke sticks at, though. We were ALL uneducated at one time or another. Just because one does not come off as immedietly wanting equal custody does not make them a bad person or a flamer. There may be circumstances to be worked out that we are unaware of. I came here dumb as a box of rocks, with an ex that took off with the kids. I know the pain of seeing my children every other weekend. However, I do know parents of BOTH sexes that see their children only on a limited basis, and in a few of those cases it's for a darn good reason (ie: drugs, alcohol, endangerment, etc). When it just happens for no reason it's a raw deal---especially for the kids.

So let's try some education here, why don't we?

In the main menu at the top of the boards there are sections titled article archives and eval guide. Both sections should be very helpful answering any questions you may have. All of us here have been through a little bit of the court system and have issues we have encountered. If you ever get into mediation I've got some experience with that part.

While every other weekend and one night a week is the norm for most states, most children of divorce will say that they want both parents in their lives equally. It is possible---I've got a pistol of an ex and we manage it.

Good luck, and may we all learn something new everyday. . . . .

FLMom

My experience is with a teenager also. Hope the following helps somehow.

My oldest DD, at the age of 14, said she wanted to come and live with us. I am the NC mom, and my just married at the time husband was and has always been supportive. This meant her two younger siblings would also be living with us the majority of the time.

If the custody case had gone to trial that week, it would have been a done deal. Her father had recently married a woman that didn't want me in the kid's lives and lived according to the words that my ex said about me. He played the martyr to the hilt---ohhh, she left me---ohhh, she abandoned our kids.

Yeah right. I'd been there and then some, he just chose to tell his new wife different. I'd stupidly made him the primary--I did it pro se and didn't know the ramifications. Now here we were, and all of the sudden the new wife decided the kids only needed to see me every two weeks and for about four hours every Wednesday.

Oldest DD was miserable. She'd been yanked out of her school and put into another district, she was put in charge of babysitting constantly, and now had a new step sister that was AHDD to the hilt. She missed us and had been through the wringer when she asked to come live with us.

I invested every penny I had into going for custody. I played by the rules and didn't discuss any court proceedings with her. I did for her and her younger siblings what I had done all along---make sure they were taken care of while their dad enjoyed all of his extra hobbies and time away with his new wife.

Once the papers were filed, however, it got (silly, stupid, crazy???) complicated. Ex took every moment possible to tell her what a lousy mother I was and new wife gleefully joined in. It took a year from filing the papers to finally getting before a judge. In the meantime she had become acclimated to what she had to deal with at her father's house. Add to that, she knew that if she told a judge that she wanted to live with me that her father would never speak to her again---if she said she wanted to live with her father that I would still love her. That, by the way, is a quote.

So she said in court that she wanted to live with BOTH of us.

SOOOOOO, it took a lot of hammering out, but we reached agreements with the judge looking on. The kids are here W-F one week and TH-SUN the next, with every other week during the summer.

I would advise that you spend every available cell of your being trying to come to some kind of agreement with the ex. It will save you LOADS of money in the long run. So what if you don't have it hammered out ahead of time. So you work out a modified schedule and pay outlandish child support for a year. After a year you file a motion to deviate from CS guidelines because you have had her with you for the majority of the time. DOCUMENT all of this!

One thing I've learned from all of this----it's a marathon, not a sprint.

Good luck, and boy do I feel for you. Teenagers play both sides of the fence, and don't think, "MY child would never do that!!!"---cause it could be that your daughter is telling your ex, "I don't know WHY daddy is doing this! Can I have that pony now??!".

FLMom

Gee, does THIS sound familiar.

First thing that you could do is talk to your son. Tell him that you are worried about him, and give him reasons WHY you believe he should be going to a doc. (The first thing I thought of when I saw that he had lost weight and not even tried was juvenile diabetes). He old enough that he needs to know that there is a specific reason for your suggestion, not that you're trying to be a PIA to his father. I went through this SAME exact thing this past year as far as a teenager who suddenly lost weight. You know what the doc said? He was glad that she had been brought in, and IMMEDIETLY ordered blood tests.

Don't let your ex make you second guess yourself. You are doing what is right for your children. The only way to lessen stress with your ex is if there was an invasion of the body snatchers incident and someone else took over his body. It's NOT going to happen. All you can do is IN WRITING tell him the same thing that you have told your son--that you're not being unreasonable and this is why you have concerns--then start numbering them off. We all know a reasonable person would agree, but then again if we're divorced we already know what we're dealing with, right? If you send it by mail send it certified, if you send it by e-mail be sure to save your letter and his reply. Give him X amount of days to reply. If he doesn't reply or replies in disagreement it's time to tell him that since you and I obviously don't agree on this issue it's time to let the judge decide.

(We included this in our last agreement. If one parent feels that the child should be seen by a doctor and the other parent does not agree then it's to be brought up as an emergency motion in front of the judge and HE is to decide.)

Now, he can be irrational with you all the live long day but let him try to sell it to a judge and he'll know he won't get far. You aren't threatening, this is the position your ex is putting you as the mother of your children.

I don't know about the sanity part. I've still got 8 years to go. When you get there you can let me know how blissful it is. Maybe if you take a hard stand on stuff like this he'll respect you--you never know.
I know that my ex still has little respect for me, but our children do cause they know that I will go as far as I have to for them.

Good Luck!

Skooter,

If your ex is a control freak he will never see what he is doing is damaging your daughter. He will think that everything he is doing is for the betterment of your daughter, no matter what the real facts are. Control freaks and people with manipulative personalities are martyrs for their own cause. Right now you are the reason for everything that is going wrong in his life and unfortunately it sounds like your daughter is paying the price for his mindset.

When you go to the hearing be very clear between you and your attorney of what you hope to have happen. If you are willing to work with him it will look a lot better than what he is presenting. Children deserve both parents, right? What you're asking is not unreasonable. So you bring out your notes and say "on **/** date I attempted to pick up daughter and Mr. XXX did not allow me to do so". Or "Mr. XXX and I had agreed in mediation that he would drop off on **/** dates and did not bring OUR daughter" (never refer to her as MY daughter, always say OUR). You want to show that you have made the effort and the ex is trying to not allow you to be a parent. Judges HATE that. Always refer to your ex as "Mr. XXX", not by his first name or other choice words. It shows that you have respect for him, and if your ex isn't returning it then the judge will see it. It has to be a business style relationship.

I don't know how old your daughter is, but mine is a teenager. She quickly realized the differences in the way my ex and I handled the court case. Do not discuss pertinent details with her. The ex is doing it enough as it is. As tempting as it is to try and "defend" yourself from what he is saying right now, and he is probably saying all KINDS of rotten things about you, do not act the same. My ex is very manipulative. Kids aren't dumb. My daughter sees through all of this. Yours will too. Just continue to be the best mom you can be and always take the higher road. I have a feeling my ex is going to be a very lonely person as he grows older. It's not that I will encourage our kids to feel this way, it's just naturally going to happen.

Yes, we did come to an agreement in the courtroom that the judge did not decide. He had been unreasonable, and I showed that I was more than willing to work with him. CS wasn't the original issue with us either, but that got decided that day also. Want to see your daughter but he is balking at driving? Make an offer of lowered CS in exchange for you doing all of the driving. Show consistantly that you are willing to do what's best for your daughter.

Your ex can hire the most expensive attorney in the town you live in. Guess what? It doesn't mean he/she is the best. A busy attorney means that your ex will receive only minimal time with his case. Back to the control freak personality, your ex has only told him/her his skewed version of things. That came back to bite my ex's tush in court. He had told his lawyer that up until then I had payed little attention to our kids and was completely flighty. My notes and proof of involvement showed otherwise. It put his attorney in a corner, where he knew he had to settle because he wouldn't in his wildest dreams want the judge to hear the reality of it.

A few days before your trial ask your attorney if he/she will do a mock hearing with you. It will set your mind at ease because you know what will be coming and the proper way to answer. One thing he/she will tell you is to always show respect to the other party. No matter what ridiculous stuff your ex will come up with let him say it in court. When I went to speak my ex jumped up and said "that's a lie!". You're behind the 8 ball in that you have brought this in front of the judge and you are seen as the aggressor, but the judge--if he/she is a good one--will see the truth. And just remember, that is what you have going on your side. Truth and what is best for your daughter.

Skooter,

I re-read your question and saw you had asked about the hearing and trial also. Had some added thoughts.

Don't expect much from the hearing. The judge just wants to get an overall view of the facts and see how far apart in your ideas you and your ex are. If you're close he/she may order you to mediation, even if you've been through it before. Judges like to see people that are trying to raise their children with thoughtfulness, and if one person is being completely off the mark at that time the judge will usually tell them so.

In my case as a NC Mom my ex and I had a very liberal arrangement for years, He just suddenly decided that he was going to use his control as CP and only let me see our kids every other weekend and one afternoon a week. The judge saw, at the hearing, that this wasn't what our kids had been used to and added another afternoon a week pending the trial. So yes, things do get changed at the hearing.

By the time of the trial your lawyer will have a copy of the transcript from the deposition. Keep in mind, no matter how many dumb things your ex has possibly done it will have no bearing unless it goes directly to the welfare of your children. That eliminates the judge having to listen to a bunch of "he said she said" in court. What you are trying to prove to modify a custody agreement is a "change in circumstances". Hopefully at the deposition your lawyer asked those relevant questions. Now is the time for the two of you to sit down together, decided what is relevant and what isn't, and focus on those points.

Use this waiting period to gather up as much as you can that is admissable in court. If you sit waiting for the date ringing your hands you will go insane. Keep busy. You can go to your state law enforcement office and get background checks on questionable witnesses. You can research the statutes and case law for your state on modifications of custody and use this as presidence in your case. Start a folder. Make copies of the datebook you've hopefully been keeping. Make copies of the receipts of what you've done for the kids. Get copies of all volunteer work and extracurricular activities you've been involved with that prove you to be a fit and interested parent. Include copies of CS monies that you've paid your ex. Make copies of all of the correspondence between you and your ex so that you can show that YOU are trying to work with the other parent but they are fighting your attempts. Make a separate file for every topic and put it all together for your attorney. The lawyer is not going to go out and do legwork--this is your job.

In our case we did make it to trial. BUT---the judge didn't decide our case. Like I said, judges like to see people try to work things out. His words were "I guarantee you two that you will like the decisions YOU come up with better than the ones I will make". So we spent two hours hammering it out. It works because neither party wants to be seen as unreasonable especially when the judge is sitting right there. Your file folder will come in handy at this point. It came in very handy for me when my ex wanted to hit me with back CS I supposedly never gave him. Started pulling out the files. He didn't get a penny of back CS.

Unless you can prove the CP a current heroin addict or that he beats the children daily do not expect the original decree to be changed. Visitation, however, can be changed to 50/50 very easily. The other party will balk because it will mean they don't get as much CS, so you'll have a choice of whether you want to pay and see your kids more or keep your money and not see them. I chose to pay. It ended out about 52/48, but it was much better than it was before we walked in there and better for our children to have both of their parents in their lives.

I know what this time is like for you, and I am so sorry that you're having to go through it. Just hug your kids every chance you get. They know something stressful is going on in both households and they usually think they are the cause of it which is tremendously damaging to them. Assure them that you and your ex and working to try to make things better and that you both love them, even if you have to go outside and scream later.

Good Luck.

I benefited so much from this site in getting ready this past year for deposition and hearing. I urge you to look through the archives of this site. You may not think at the time that things apply to you, but later on you'll be glad you were informed.

In my deposition it was held in a room adjacent to the courtroom. As I was the plaintiff I was deposed first. My lawyer and I sat together and my ex's lawyer sat across the table while ex sat across the room.

Lawmoe was right about the questions being broad---they were all over the place. Some questions so personal they made me blush. After a while you might see a pattern of some kind to the questions, trying to dance around a supposed incident or time frame in your life. In my case my ex used his lawyer to use the deposition as a way to find out about my husband and my personal lives. WAY personal.

Ever played poker? You know when you have 3 queens with an ace high and you keep that face on that lets you pull the pot in? Show NO emotion. A smile cannot be transcribed but sarcasm can.

There are a few phrases that are useful. "I don't recall at this time" is a BIG one. You can recall things later, but that way your answer at the time cannot be used against you. A polite, "I'm sorry but I didn't understand your question" is OK too. You may have heard the question and understood it, but the lawyer having to ask it a second time will give you a moment to be sure you phrase the answer correctly.

Don't pounce to answer, and by all means do not get into a verbal sparring match with the lawyer. I guarantee he/she has done this hundreds of times before. You haven't. Pauses to answer are not recorded by the transciber. Use this to your advantage.

Answer truthfully, but do not delve into your life story. Keep your answers short, sweet and to the point. Some people ramble out of nervousness and might say something that could be interpreted in a different way later. And this is all about later. What you say is setting in stone what may come up later.

In my deposition I was allowed to bring in my notes. This allowed the ability to look back and see something that happened on a particular date. Silly as it may sound, having a pen in my hand to fiddle with steeled my nerves.

The best overall advice I can give is to expect the unexpected. Not one thing you have in your mind right now of the lawyer's questions will be one that he/she will ask.

Good luck and please keep us updated.

Skooter,

If your ex is a control freak he will never see what he is doing is damaging your daughter. He will think that everything he is doing is for the betterment of your daughter, no matter what the real facts are. Control freaks and people with manipulative personalities are martyrs for their own cause. Right now you are the reason for everything that is going wrong in his life and unfortunately it sounds like your daughter is paying the price for his mindset.

When you go to the hearing be very clear between you and your attorney of what you hope to have happen. If you are willing to work with him it will look a lot better than what he is presenting. Children deserve both parents, right? What you're asking is not unreasonable. So you bring out your notes and say "on **/** date I attempted to pick up daughter and Mr. XXX did not allow me to do so". Or "Mr. XXX and I had agreed in mediation that he would drop off on **/** dates and did not bring OUR daughter" (never refer to her as MY daughter, always say OUR). You want to show that you have made the effort and the ex is trying to not allow you to be a parent. Judges HATE that. Always refer to your ex as "Mr. XXX", not by his first name or other choice words. It shows that you have respect for him, and if your ex isn't returning it then the judge will see it. It has to be a business style relationship.

I don't know how old your daughter is, but mine is a teenager. She quickly realized the differences in the way my ex and I handled the court case. Do not discuss pertinent details with her. The ex is doing it enough as it is. As tempting as it is to try and "defend" yourself from what he is saying right now, and he is probably saying all KINDS of rotten things about you, do not act the same. My ex is very manipulative. Kids aren't dumb. My daughter sees through all of this. Yours will too. Just continue to be the best mom you can be and always take the higher road. I have a feeling my ex is going to be a very lonely person as he grows older. It's not that I will encourage our kids to feel this way, it's just naturally going to happen.

Yes, we did come to an agreement in the courtroom that the judge did not decide. He had been unreasonable, and I showed that I was more than willing to work with him. CS wasn't the original issue with us either, but that got decided that day also. Want to see your daughter but he is balking at driving? Make an offer of lowered CS in exchange for you doing all of the driving. Show consistantly that you are willing to do what's best for your daughter.

Your ex can hire the most expensive attorney in the town you live in. Guess what? It doesn't mean he/she is the best. A busy attorney means that your ex will receive only minimal time with his case. Back to the control freak personality, your ex has only told him/her his skewed version of things. That came back to bite my ex's tush in court. He had told his lawyer that up until then I had payed little attention to our kids and was completely flighty. My notes and proof of involvement showed otherwise. It put his attorney in a corner, where he knew he had to settle because he wouldn't in his wildest dreams want the judge to hear the reality of it.

A few days before your trial ask your attorney if he/she will do a mock hearing with you. It will set your mind at ease because you know what will be coming and the proper way to answer. One thing he/she will tell you is to always show respect to the other party. No matter what ridiculous stuff your ex will come up with let him say it in court. When I went to speak my ex jumped up and said "that's a lie!". You're behind the 8 ball in that you have brought this in front of the judge and you are seen as the aggressor, but the judge--if he/she is a good one--will see the truth. And just remember, that is what you have going on your side. Truth and what is best for your daughter.