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Skooter,

I re-read your question and saw you had asked about the hearing and trial also. Had some added thoughts.

Don't expect much from the hearing. The judge just wants to get an overall view of the facts and see how far apart in your ideas you and your ex are. If you're close he/she may order you to mediation, even if you've been through it before. Judges like to see people that are trying to raise their children with thoughtfulness, and if one person is being completely off the mark at that time the judge will usually tell them so.

In my case as a NC Mom my ex and I had a very liberal arrangement for years, He just suddenly decided that he was going to use his control as CP and only let me see our kids every other weekend and one afternoon a week. The judge saw, at the hearing, that this wasn't what our kids had been used to and added another afternoon a week pending the trial. So yes, things do get changed at the hearing.

By the time of the trial your lawyer will have a copy of the transcript from the deposition. Keep in mind, no matter how many dumb things your ex has possibly done it will have no bearing unless it goes directly to the welfare of your children. That eliminates the judge having to listen to a bunch of "he said she said" in court. What you are trying to prove to modify a custody agreement is a "change in circumstances". Hopefully at the deposition your lawyer asked those relevant questions. Now is the time for the two of you to sit down together, decided what is relevant and what isn't, and focus on those points.

Use this waiting period to gather up as much as you can that is admissable in court. If you sit waiting for the date ringing your hands you will go insane. Keep busy. You can go to your state law enforcement office and get background checks on questionable witnesses. You can research the statutes and case law for your state on modifications of custody and use this as presidence in your case. Start a folder. Make copies of the datebook you've hopefully been keeping. Make copies of the receipts of what you've done for the kids. Get copies of all volunteer work and extracurricular activities you've been involved with that prove you to be a fit and interested parent. Include copies of CS monies that you've paid your ex. Make copies of all of the correspondence between you and your ex so that you can show that YOU are trying to work with the other parent but they are fighting your attempts. Make a separate file for every topic and put it all together for your attorney. The lawyer is not going to go out and do legwork--this is your job.

In our case we did make it to trial. BUT---the judge didn't decide our case. Like I said, judges like to see people try to work things out. His words were "I guarantee you two that you will like the decisions YOU come up with better than the ones I will make". So we spent two hours hammering it out. It works because neither party wants to be seen as unreasonable especially when the judge is sitting right there. Your file folder will come in handy at this point. It came in very handy for me when my ex wanted to hit me with back CS I supposedly never gave him. Started pulling out the files. He didn't get a penny of back CS.

Unless you can prove the CP a current heroin addict or that he beats the children daily do not expect the original decree to be changed. Visitation, however, can be changed to 50/50 very easily. The other party will balk because it will mean they don't get as much CS, so you'll have a choice of whether you want to pay and see your kids more or keep your money and not see them. I chose to pay. It ended out about 52/48, but it was much better than it was before we walked in there and better for our children to have both of their parents in their lives.

I know what this time is like for you, and I am so sorry that you're having to go through it. Just hug your kids every chance you get. They know something stressful is going on in both households and they usually think they are the cause of it which is tremendously damaging to them. Assure them that you and your ex and working to try to make things better and that you both love them, even if you have to go outside and scream later.

Good Luck.

I benefited so much from this site in getting ready this past year for deposition and hearing. I urge you to look through the archives of this site. You may not think at the time that things apply to you, but later on you'll be glad you were informed.

In my deposition it was held in a room adjacent to the courtroom. As I was the plaintiff I was deposed first. My lawyer and I sat together and my ex's lawyer sat across the table while ex sat across the room.

Lawmoe was right about the questions being broad---they were all over the place. Some questions so personal they made me blush. After a while you might see a pattern of some kind to the questions, trying to dance around a supposed incident or time frame in your life. In my case my ex used his lawyer to use the deposition as a way to find out about my husband and my personal lives. WAY personal.

Ever played poker? You know when you have 3 queens with an ace high and you keep that face on that lets you pull the pot in? Show NO emotion. A smile cannot be transcribed but sarcasm can.

There are a few phrases that are useful. "I don't recall at this time" is a BIG one. You can recall things later, but that way your answer at the time cannot be used against you. A polite, "I'm sorry but I didn't understand your question" is OK too. You may have heard the question and understood it, but the lawyer having to ask it a second time will give you a moment to be sure you phrase the answer correctly.

Don't pounce to answer, and by all means do not get into a verbal sparring match with the lawyer. I guarantee he/she has done this hundreds of times before. You haven't. Pauses to answer are not recorded by the transciber. Use this to your advantage.

Answer truthfully, but do not delve into your life story. Keep your answers short, sweet and to the point. Some people ramble out of nervousness and might say something that could be interpreted in a different way later. And this is all about later. What you say is setting in stone what may come up later.

In my deposition I was allowed to bring in my notes. This allowed the ability to look back and see something that happened on a particular date. Silly as it may sound, having a pen in my hand to fiddle with steeled my nerves.

The best overall advice I can give is to expect the unexpected. Not one thing you have in your mind right now of the lawyer's questions will be one that he/she will ask.

Good luck and please keep us updated.

Here's how it worked for us-

We had joint custody until my ex moved. I am NCM, he is CF.
While he only moved about 40 mins away, it made the schools our
children attended into another district. Driving to our oldest daughter's
school is a little over an hour away from my home. Even though our custody agreement said that I was to be with them every day after school and every other weekend, once the move happened my ex
decided I was only allowed to see them every Wed. after school and every other weekend. I was miserable, the kids were miserable--the only ones happy were my ex and his new wife.

It took a year of mediation (didn't work), filings and finally a court date, but our oldest daughter finally went in and said that she wanted to see both of us equally. Since my ex wouldn't budge on the driving I said that I would do all of it. Here's what we worked out-

First week of the month I pick the kids up after school on Wednesday, and take them to school Thurs and Fri while they live with us. Second week of the month I pick the kids up on Thurs after school, and they stay with us throughout the weekend and ex picks them up from here on Sunday night.

Is it a lot of driving? Oh yeah! But, our kids know that I think they're worth the effort. My husband has gotten in on it too, lol, and this 34 yr old man that has no kids of his own is now "The Step-Dad taxi service" on Fridays. We've had to sacrifice my hours at work, but in the long run the time spent now being able to be in contact with the kids teachers, being there for the oldest's marching band stuff (I'm now a band booster mom), and the long drives with long talks---it's all so worth it.

Hope your kids get to see both of you more equally.

I just wanted to take a moment and thank
the posters here and those that came up
the idea for SPARC. I've been here visiting,
reading and learning for almost a year now.
The few times I went into chat I was met
with nothing but support and wise words of
advice. My story:

I divorced my ex in 2000, 3 kids now 15(d),
11(d) and 9(s). Gave BF primary because I
did the divorce myself pro-se and didn't know
the ramifications or how that would come to
haunt me later. Moved in with my parents next
door. All went well for three years. Well, as
well as it can be, anyhow. Although I moved
from the next door home 10 minutes away it
WAS my parent's home and I was there all the
time. Long story short my mom died in 2001
and my dad in 2003. All heck broke loose after
that.

Ex and I both get remarried in the same month
in mid-2003. He marries a woman who's been
through her own custody battle, and she schools
him well. Even though the order of our divorce is
50/50 custody with him primary, he realized (I
think with her help) that he can pretty much do
anything he wants. And that's what he did. Moved
the kids away (only 40 minutes) and put them into
a different school district. Neglected to tell the school
that they had a mother, leaving me off of the school
forms. I had to show up with a copy of the divorce
decree to even be allowed AT the school. School year
starts and he tells me that now I am only allowed to
see our kids every other weekend and three hours
every Wednesday. There's so much more than this
----medical intereference, medical neglect, convenient
amnesia, etc. that I won't go into it all, but let's just say
it's been a year from hell for the kids and I.

As you know the court system takes its own sweet time,
and all of this finally got resolved about a month ago.
Oldest D had said she wanted to come live with me,
but ended up having to pick the lesser of two evils by
the time court happened. She knew that I would love
her no matter what the decision, and knew that her
father would "lose his mind" as she put it. I understood,
BUT she did go into court saying that NO, she didn't like
the current situation, and YES she did want to be with
me more often. SO. . . .

Ex wanted to keep the every other weekend and a few
hours every Wednesday. We got a rotating custody
agreement of W-F one week and W-Sunday the next.

Ex wanted to continue to allow his new wife to keep the
kids under her medical insurance and choose the doctors
and dentist. I now carry the insurance and our kids will
continue to see the MD's and DD that they've known since
they were born.

Ex wanted $10,000 he claimed I owed him in back CS.
Thanks to SPARC for teaching me how to keep detailed
records I was able to show I had receipts for that and
more. Ex got NO arrears.

Ex wanted $300-$400 a month CS. Ex got $225, plus I
now get to claim one child for tax purposes, something
that had never happened in previous years.

SPARC and all that contribute here taught me not only
the nuts and bolts of how nasty custody can be, but the
wherewithall to be strong and tough for our children.
Even my lawyer was astounded that I was such a hard
case when we started negotiations. Our kids now get their
mother in their lives.

An interesting postscript to the whole mess was that the
week following the hearing the younger two were supposed
to be with me while my daughter attended a summer course.
Even the judge commented that he liked that we could
work that out. A week later and ex had forgotten all about
it and claimed he never said it. Oldest daughter starts
referring to him as "my dad the liar". And I have to be the
one to say "whoa" and not allow her to speak about her
father with such disrespect. Isn't it almost comical? Meanwhile
younger two are left in the care of new wife's 82 yr old
grandmother for a week.

I have a feeling something I heard here is gonna ring true.
They may be legally "his" for now, but they'll end up being
mine for the rest of their lives. He hasn't learned squat, but
now they're old enough to see it.

Well, thank you all again for all that you do. Thank you for
making me strong and informed for the sake of the kids.
Sorry for the long post, but I wanted you all to know just
how much I appreciate you and why.

How bout a play on the old sixties motto:

"Make love, not war. Equal rights for both parents!"

or. . . .

"Forty-six days a year is not joint custody!"
(The average of EOW per year.)

Poohbear,

I watched the video of Jessica's story. She is such a beautiful girl. Just wow on all you guys have had to deal with and how she's shone through.

IMHO I've seen one case that rips my heart out. It's a child with an active imagination and just as normal as can be. The mother is unfortunately the problem. She's tired. . . she's stressed. . . so when the child acted like a typical child, she suddenly needed to be medicated for ADD. I think it's a sad truth that in a lot of cases it's easier for the parents to request medication than actually practice the art of being a parent.

Have you thought about filing an addendum for "right of first refusal"? That way if she's not with them and you know it, you have the right to go over and get them until she returns.

Major congrats . . . you're doing the exact right thing and I'm glad things are working out so well for you!!

I think your last sentence says it all. The kids know. Wait til she's fourteen or sixteen. All of your patience is not in vain. . . they're smarter than we give them credit for sometimes.

Amen Giggles. Don't ever let society make you feel like you're a bad person because you did the right thing. I'm an NCP mom too, so I know where you're coming from.

Maybe with time and when the sting is gone a little, ex won't be so vindictive and petty. There's a lot of ways to let our kids know we love them, and you'll make your way through this.

Welcome to SPARC!

And if you're like me, you're ducking and waiting for whatever shoe is going to drop next.

If it IS just for some quality time, more power to him!

Glad to hear I'm not the only one that's not taking Thanksgiving off. What I want is time on a barcolounger. . . make that a MASSAGING barcolounger and a spiked drink. In actuality, it's sore feet from an early AM workday.

Hey MB, there's always Christmas. Is this one yours this year?