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For the first year my husband and I were dating, I think he knew in his head that he would never get back with his ex, and would never want to.  But a part of his heart still felt wrong about getting a divorce.  Then about a year into our relationship, his ex-wife asked my husband if they could try to make their marriage work.  Keep in mind, their marriage ended because she was pregnant with another man's child, and wouldn't stop seeing the other man (a drug addict).  
My husband actually spent a week torn about what to do.  I was pregnant at the time, and although it was the hardest thing I've ever done, I told him to try to work things out with his ex.  I hated it, but it was better than worrying all the time that he really wanted to be with her.  Well, it only took a week (and we both admit it was one of the worst weeks of our life), but my husband realized why he had finally left his ex to start with.  She is honestly the most evil person i have ever met.  
After that week, our relationship changed.  I hadn't realized that he had been holding back until then.  And I don't know that he realized it either.  
But that didn't change the way he acted toward his son.  His ex was very manipulative, and would have my husband jump through hoops, but always for their child.  He paid child care, in addition to child support (which included child care).  He even purchased her a car  (a cheap used one) b/c her car got repossessed and she told him he had to buy her a car so she could care for their child.  She would call often to ask him to pick up their son b/c she had to work late (a lie), or wanted to go to the gym, or whatever other reason she could come up with.  And EVERY time he would drop everything and pick up their son (even when we had prior plans).  
I finally got to the point where I had had enough.  I wrote my husband a letter, and explained to him what I saw happening.  I told him that she was manipulating him and controlling him in the name of their son.  My husband was easy to manipulate because he wanted to be the opposite of his dad (there's a whole 'nother story there).   I told him that I understood he wanted to be a good dad and take care of his son, but he needed to take a look at how ridiculous she was getting.  I gave him some examples of times she had crossed the line.  I told him that he was letting her control his life, and that it was hurting me and our child.  
After he read the letter, we sat down and talked and he agreed that things were a little out of hand.  He didn't change overnight, but he did start puttting his foot down with her.  She, of couse, is just as awful as ever.  THat PBFH has done everything she could to try to make our lives miserable.
If I had to go back in time, I would do it all again.  I love my husband and my stepson.  But I would advise anyone about to enter in to a relationship with a man with kids to make sure they know what they're getting into.  The ex from hell will never go away when there are children involved.        

Honestly, we would rather not listen in to the calls.  However, many times SS doesn't tell us the weird things his mom tells him until later.  She has a mental illness, and sometimes I think that has a lot to do with the inappropriate things she discusses with him.  Maybe I'm overreacting, but let me give some examples.  Just the other night she told him that someone gave her a bloody eye and tried to kill her.  She has told him that she keeps a gun in her purse so she can shoot anyone that tries to hurt them.  He has told us that they can't go to a neighboring town, b/c there are too many bad people there that want to hurt his mom.  SS wasn't there during her last break-up, but he told me about the argument his mom had with her b/f and and how he made mommy cry.  When I asked him where he was when the argument took place, he said he was at school, but mommy told him all about it.  She also told him that her ex b/f tried to kill SS's dog.  When we got to the bottom of that story, the ex had left the gate open, but mommy said he did that so the dog would get out and get hit by a car and die.  When we say we're not sure why mommy tells him these things, SS tells us "Mommy tells me everything."
These are some of the conversations SS has told us about.  Who knows how much he hasn't mentioned.  I'm not sure if anyone is really "after" BM or not, but I don't think it's healthy to tell a 6 y/o the things she's telling him.  This si one of the reasons we want to put him in counseling.  We are hoping a therapist can help explain to him the illness that mommy has, and also help him through all the changes he has gone through.  I'm thinking that if we listen in to the calls then at least we can fully know what we're dealing with to help SS get through it.  We can talk to BM about the appropriateness of her conversations with SS, but I don't know that she'll stop, b/c I'm not sure that she can differentiate between what you can discuss with a child vs. what you can discuss with an adult.  I think many times she views SS as her friend and confidante who will always be on her side.  

The custody order doesn't discuss phone calls at all.   And when we went to court, BM admitted listening into phone calls, and the judge didn't say anything about it.  So I would assume that we wouldn't be in violation of any order.  Its not that we want to listen in, but at this point we're not sure what else to do.  
Does anyone have any other ideas?  Or are we just stuck waiting for SS to tell us the weird things his mom says?

So we found out when we went to court last week that BM was listening in to DH's phone calls with their son.  Dh has never said anything to SS that he wouldn't say that he couldn't say in front of BM, but still, it bothered us to know that she listens in.  Of course she was always looking for something to complain about, so I guess it shouldn't surprise us.  She actually threw a fit once, when she found out that we gave the kids peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for dinner one night.  (It was their request, and since we both work we aren't always able to make a home-cooked meal.)
Anyways, I never thought that we would be the types to listen in to SS's phone calls w/ BM, b/c it almost feels like an invasion of privacy.  However, last night when SS got off the phone w/ his mom, he told DH "Mommy has a bloody eye b/c someone tried to kill her."  (this isn't the first time sh has said something like this to him.)  
So now we're trying to figure out how to best approach the situation.  We're going to put SS back in therapy.  I think we should start listening to the phone calls, since BM is unstable and is telling 6 y/o SS things that are inappropriate.  That way we can help him to understand when she says something crazy.  Since custody just changed and BM currently gets very little visitation, I think we may tell her that we would like for to see SS more, but we can't give her any addition time when she is being inappropriate (which is true).  And if we do decide to listen into the phone calls, I feel that we should let BM know.  It still doesn't feel right, but at least if we're honest about it then it's not like we're trying to be sneaky.  
So what do y'all think?  I would love to hear any ideas or opinions y'all have.

We plan on bringing a witness, and we'll have the sheriff's # on speed dial in case she pulls anything.  We asked to pick him up from her home (4 hrs away), but she said he wouldn't be there because a family member is driving him back to the area.  So hopefully everything will go smoothly, but we're prepared in case it doesn't.  She also tried to tell us we couldn't pick him up at the time we requested, and DH advised her that the courts said the transfer of custody was to take place immediately.  At first she tried to be difficult and told DH that he could pick up child at 4 instead of 2 and if he didn't like it to take her back to court and throw her in jail.  But she seemed to calm down by the end of the call, and we're hoping she won't cause any trouble.  
As far as SS switching schools, we've requested that he be place in the same class as my niece (who he is very close to).  I think that will make the transition easier for him to walk into class tomorrow and already know someone.  The school is aware of the situation, and I'm pretty sure their going to do as much as they can to make the adjustment easier.  
We just can't wait until he gets here.  I keep re-reading the custody order.  I woke up in the middle of the night and had to check to make sure it really was Thursday.  I was afraid I that maybe everything was a dream, it just seems so surreal.  I don't think we'll be able to relax until he's here, home with us.  

Hey guys, we had court today for custody and to keep BM from relocating, and we won!  I still can't believe it.  DH didn't even get a chance to testify.  After hearing from BM, the judge said she had heard enough and was awarding custody to DH.  The visitation schedule the judge set up gives BM about 6 wks out of the whole year.  In fact, according to the schedule, BM wouldn't see him again until Christmas.  Of course, we plan to let her see him sooner than that, because I can't imagine keeping SS away from his mom that long.  
I think she'll probably appeal, but we didn't even present half of our case, so I don't think she'll have much of a chance.  I couldn't stay in the courtroom exept for when I testified, but DH said BM was surprised that we knew as much about her past and trouble she's been in.  And we also learned a few new things about her.  She seemed to think she was going to go in there and lie about how we treat SS and win the case. Thank goodness the judge saw right through her.  Of course, her attitude with our attorney probably didn't help.  DH said the judge told her at one point not to speak to our attorney that way.  
Now our biggest worry is SS.  We never told him about court, but this weekend when he was with us he told us that he knew we were taking his mom to court to try to take him away from her.  (I'm not sure if she told him this, or if he over heard it, but honestly, I wouldn't put it past her.  She's told him some crazy things in the past.)   We're just praying that she doesn't make this harder for him than it needs to be.  Living here won't be a big adjustment, we had him most weekends, and sometimes during the week during the school year, and 2 months during the summer.  But he already started school with her, and since we weren't sure how court would turn out I don't think he's fully prepared for living with us full time.  We told him it was a possiblity when she first brought up that she was thinking about moving.  But we haven't pushed the issue since then, because we thought it was better for him to know as little about court as possible.  So hopefully the adjustment will go smoothly and we're gonna try to make it as easy as possible for him.  
good luck to those who are still fighting for custody, keep fighting for what's best for your kids.  It always gave me hope to read posts about others winning, and everyone on here has been so supportive the few times I've posted.  Keep hoping and trying, I'm so glad we did.  You are all in my thoughts and prayers.  

If I were you, I would get an attorney and file for custody citing change in circumstance.  To me, it sounds like you have a decent case.  You need to make sure you have as much documentation as possible.  Make note of any conversations you have with BM.  Keep track of when SD is with you, when she is with mom, and if she spends the night anywhere else.  Also, you can pull up what charges BM has had against her online.  I would do this even if you think you know all of her charges b/c you may be surprised.  (We had no idea my stepson's mom had been in any trouble, but a friend of mine told me about Virginia's court website and we learned some very interesting things about Bm.)  Your SD's teachers and report cards should be sufficient to show that she isn't doing well academically, and should show that when she was with you she did much better.  They may also be able to testify to the changes in SD since you have become involved in her life.  As far as the people living there, you could hire a PI, but that's pretty expensive.  Our attorney told us to drive by at night when we think Bm has a boyfriend spending the night and take note of if his car is there.  
As far as child support, what you make has no bearing on that.  SD isn't your child, so your income doesn't get calculated into the child support equation.  
It sounds like you don't have visitation or custody set up through the court.  So even if you don't "win" custody now, its still worth it if you get your time set up through the courts.  We learned the hard way that trusting BM to always be reasonable is naive.  
Good luck, and keep us posted!  

We are in the middle of a relocation/custody case.  We had our first court date on 8/30, but her attorney had it continued because BM didn't get served correctly and was unable to find a babysitter.  Funny, because she knew about court (by her attorney's admission) 2 weeks before the actual court date, and she was able to retain a lawyer, but not able to find a babysitter.  When she told us she was moving, we asked what would happen to son when she has to go to the hospital (she gets hospitalized several times a year for a few days at a time- we're not sure exactly why).  She told us she has plenty of friends where she was moving that could help.  So how come she couldn't find a babysitter for an afternoon with 2 weeks notice but she can supposedly get a babysitter for several days with a moments notice?
anyways, we hadn't seen son for 3 1/2 weeks, because she wouldn't allow it since we had him most of the summer.  We finally had him this last weekend (probably because court is this week).  He acted kind of weird all weekend, not like his normal self.  I'm starting to wonder if she isn't brainwashing him.  My mom asked him how he liked the new place he was at and he told her "I like it, its a beautiful area with lots of trees."  What normal 6 y/o gives that kind of answer?  He's also told my husband that there are way more white people where he lives now,like that makes his town better than the nice neighborhood we live in.  
Then, we were asking him about school, and I mentioned I had talked to his old teacher the other day.  He replied "I know, you're bringing her to court as a witness so you can take me away from my mom."  We asked him where he got that idea from, and he said he came up with all of that on his own.  Then he told us how mommy told him that the school we live near is a bad school.  Its actually much better than the school she insisted he go t last year where she lived, and is comparable to the school where she lives now.
We have never mentioned anything about court to him.  We have told him that we don't agree with his mom taking him 4 hours away, and that since mommy and daddy can't agree where he should live there are some people who are going to help them make the decision where he should be.  We figured that was as much as he needed to know.  So this weekend we told him once again that mommy wants him to move and we want him to stay and court is to help mommy and daddy make a decision.  This is the first time we've discussed court with him, and that's as much as we would say to him about it.
This stuff kills me.  She seems to think that if she can make us look bad to son, then she wins somehow.  I can see the stress this causes son, and its a shame.  But she is sick, and since he is only 6, he can't see that his mom has issues.  And since we won't say anything negative about her, he ends up thinking that we are the bad guys.  Part of me can't wait till he is old enough to see his mom for what she really is, and part of me hopes for his sake that he never realizes what a fruitcake she is.  

We had group therapy last night (we go twice a month, me DH, BM and SS).  It did not go well.  I feel like the therapist tunes out, and is inconsistant with what he says.  
To start out, communication between us adults has always been strained.  Dh and I feel that we can't make any parenting suggestions w/o BM getting defensive and upset (which I don't blame entirely on her, b/c she is "ill", and part of her illness is that she feels that everyone is against her.)  Also if we mention things that SS does at our house, she becomes very accusing or says that it must be us b/c she doesn't have those problems with SS.  SS will give a completely different story about what happens at his mom's house.  Also mother's attitude has always been that her opinion is the only one that really matters when it comes to parenting decisions.  She seems to think that dad's are dispensible, and that as long as the mother is around, it doesn't matter if the father is there or not.  
Well last night, the therapist said that we as parents need to work on communicating better, and sharing what things SS does, how he acts, things like that.  But then the therapist said it is not BM's responsibilty to tell us about any assemblies, field trips, parent/teacher conferences, report cards, etc when it comes to SS school.  He said it is our responsibility and right to go to the school if we want to be involved.  Does this strike anyone else as contradictory?  
Also, BM has never offered much consistancy for SS, she has had live-in boyfriends, a couple husbands, and moved a number of times in the last 6 yrs.  She is currently looking to relocate to be closer to her current boyfriend of 4 months.  We said in therapy that we have seen the strain and stress that all this change has put on SS and do not support him moving with BM.  The therapist says, why don't you let him try the move, and if he start showing problems in school, you can always have him move back.  What?!  He is in therapy now b/c of the problems he had last school year!  We had suggested therapy long before BM would allow it b/c he was regressing and having emotional breakdowns at school.  Of course, I'm sure this had nothing to do with BM's 4 month marriage in the middle of last school year.  (That husband told us that he couldn't deal with her anymore and that she had a serious drinking problem.)  And nothing to do with her telling SS that she has to carry a gun in her purse b/c so many people want to hurt them.  
At one point, DH just stopped talking, b/c the therapist doesn't seem to care about the past, or SS behavioral problems.  He doesn't seem to listen very much to anything that goes on.  In fact, SS has spent the entire summer with us, and the therapist starts each session by asking SS "have you gone to your dad's house any since last time?"  It's a nice suggestion that if the move doesn't go well to have son move back, but BM will never allow it.  Of course, therapist doesn't know the history, so he wouldn't know that.  BM has said ss" is her buddy and has been with her through everything."  She needs him, and isn't concerned about his needs.  Meanwhile, we're left helping him deal with it all.  
So we have our court hearing at the end of this month, and I'm praying that it goes our way so SS can have some consistancy in his life.  Also, I think DH is to the point where he is ready to give up.  He is tired of fighting BM.  It's so hard to try to be your child's advocate and fight for what's best for him when you are told that you don't matter, and b/c she has custody there isn't much we can do.  We have always had to play by her rules if we want to see SS more than every other weekend.  For the first time, I can understand why DH is ready to give up.  No matter what we do, it seems she is intent on making us miserable and dragging SS through all the craziness in her life.  Any time we disagree with her SS is the one that suffers.  If we can't protect SS then why are we making ourselves crazy?  
Sorry for venting guys, I'm just disgusted w/ the situation.  I don't know how many times I've wished SS were mine so that he wouldn't have to deal with all of this.  Then he could have a "normal" childhood.  

I know how you feel!  My husband hates confrontation, and avoids bringing anything up that may rock the boat where BM is concerned.  In the past I think he has been scared to make her mad, b/c she is unstable and when she's mad we only get to see my SS for standard visitation.  As it is we have an arrangement outside the courts to get him way more.  
It's been really tough though, b/c many times I have told husband to stand up for himself and quit letting her make all the decisions.  Sometimes he listens and sometimes he doesn't.  Many times, we have talked about going for custody, but then she "Straightens up" and starts acting like a reasonable person.  Its like she senses when she's pushed us to our limits.  And each time my husband backs off, only to have her started acting up 6-12 mos. later.  And everytime he kicks himself for being back in the same situation and not going for custody the last time.  I have to bite my tongue from saying "I told you so."  But at the same time, my husband understands that SS needs his mom, and when she can be stable my husband doesn't want to be the dad that takes the kid away from his mom.
Also, many times I've given my husband advice, just to have him ignore it until our lawyer tells him the SAME THING.  It drives me nuts.  
We are finally going for custody now.  In a way I'm glad that she finally pushed too far.  But at the same time I hate what this is going to do to SS.  He will either end up in antoher state with his mom, or he will live fulltime with us and have to visit his mom in her new state.  Etiher way, he's in for some changes.  And for no reason other than she wants to move closer to the boyfrined of the month.  I'll just be glad to know that when we have custody we make choices for SS that are in his best interest.  It's been too long that choices for his life have been based on her whims and moods.  
I don't know if this helps, but I've learned alot over the past 6 yrs as far as dealing w/ my husband.  When my husband is upset b/c she's pulling something new, I let him talk when he's ready.  If I push him, it just stresses him out.  I take his cues too, as to when the conversation is over.  And if I still need to talk, he knows that I'll call my mom to vent.  I don't always agree with the decisions he makes, but I've learned to give him my two cents, and trust him.  Sometimes he's right, sometimes he's not.  A lot of times, I want to push him to say something to BM.  But he knows her better than me, and I have to trust that he will deal with her best.  Other times, he will hand the phone to me to speak with her, b/c he knows I can be calmer when he may be tempted to get more upset.  
Its not a perfect situation, but you do the best you can.  We still argue sometimes, but we refuse to let her ruin our evening/day/weekend.  

By the way, you mentioned a stepmom website, what is it? Y'all make it sound like a really great support.