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My understanding is that if there is joint legal custody, the ncp has the right to everything the cp is, including the right to meet with teachers and principals.  I suggest that you request, in writing from the school, the law and policy which they are following.

something smells fishy here...

I'm on the NCP side, as the stepmom.  We have a rule w/ my stepdaughter that what she does with Dad stays with Dad, and what she does with Mom stays with Mom.  We repeatedly tell her that something falls under Mom's business is she "slips" as you calls it.  This is done for a very definite reason.  Each time Mom has taken Dad to court, she fills her certifications with stories that my sd has shared which either Mom twists out of shape, or sd has misunderstood in some way.  Most recently, these stories were used to accuse my husband and I of verbal and mental abuse and resulted in six months of no-contact with my sd, followed by five months of one 8 hour time period every weekend, finally culminating in every professional involved saying that there is no abuse on our parts.  And this is because my sd shares things w/her mom.  We tell her that we love to hear about her.  We love to hear about school, and her friends, and her pets.  We don't love to hear about her mom's boyfriend, or personal life, or even the ways in which Mom parents her, unless it is somehow affecting sd.  She knows that if she is being hurt, or if she is sad about something, she can and should tell us.  But telling us details puts us in a position often of flat-out contradicting Mom's parenting, and when done in the reverse, gives Mom shreds of truth with which to mount her wars.  All of the things my sd says to her are easily explainable in the right context, but when you are put into a position of constantly explaining what really happened, it has a way of making it seem like you are "spinning" things in your favor.

It is not wrong to ask the kids to allow your business to stay your business, and that their business with their other parent stay theirs.  Our counselor agrees, and has affirmed it to the sd, saying that overall, she will have less stress about the situation knowing that she doesn't have to worry about what her mom might do with information that she unwittingly provides.  The only questions really that are acceptable at the end of the visit are, "Did you have a good time?"  Otherwise, there is a real possibility that the things your ex does with your child will color the way you treat him in the future, and are also things that will be colored by the unhappiness caused by your breakup.  

My 2 cents...

I have a question for the general population... if she's got court fear and won't go for cs, then obviously there was no custody order... if he's on the birth certificate, doesn't he have the ability to claim custody and not return the child from a visit?

Just wondering...