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"Parenting time (visitation) is at the NCP's desire to exercise. It doesn't look good if the NCP doesn't take what time they can, but they don't have to".

So what if BOTH parents felt the same way, and neither one was getting the child only when they wanted to? I would think the authorities would step in and take the child away from BOTH.  But as long as ONE parent is doing it at their own whim, they can not only get away with it, but can have the "responsible" parent cited! (Just venting here as to the unfairness of the whole system).

Father is not suggesting that BM's visitation be "terminated" (he WANTS BM to be in son's life, and is quite unhappy with her lack of desire to be involved). He is also NOT suggesting that BM have to shoulder all the burden of the transportation even though that would be fair in light of the fact she's responsible for NOTHING else. (Considering the problems in BM's house, supervised visitation probably would be a very good thing, but that's harder--and much more costly to get put in place from what I understand).

Father is only suggesting that since BM seems more comfortable and happy with once per month, and since son is kept waiting at least 2 out of every 3 weeks per month just to find out that BM is cancelling, that papers be modified to have schedule be changed to state it as once per month all 12 months (instead of 3 times per month for all 12 months as it is now). Father feels it would be emotionally easier for the child to KNOW he was going once per month, rather than having to be kept in turmoil so often and feeling "unwanted" the times she doesn't get him.

That way there shouldn't be any further cancellations on BM's part, or at least they'd be greatly reduced.  It's just causing too many problems for everyone involved to have it be "up in the air" every single time. (Until the past 2 weekends when father got tougher about it, BM was waiting LITERALLY until 5 mintues before time to leave to cancel, so father was never able to make any kind of weekend plans.  He finally told her that she'd HAVE to start giving a 24 hour notice of her intent, and if she didn't, he was going to consider it a cancellation).

To get back to the issue at hand--Father would continue to drive half the distance April through December, and drive son the whole way once per month Jan, Feb, and March, or would be ok with having it written up as half the distance once per month for all 12 months.

In light of her pattern, her lack of normal parental  responsiblity, and her failure to take the judge's "advice", father's proposal sounds MORE than fair to me...

Thank you much for your time and response!

 I guess I just don't understand why the father can't have the BM cited for contempt for failing to follow HER court ordered visitation, but BM could have FATHER cited for basically doing the same thing...

Anyway, thank you for your time and response, it's much appreciated :-)

The reason is that BM has been cancelling at least 2 of her 3 weekend visitations with her child for the past 9 months.  (She's been going as high as 6 weeks in between visits). Her excuses have ranged from "I have a headache" to "It's raining too hard", and everything in between.  

During those 9 months, BM was supposed to meet halfway to pick up her child.  Her excuses made it quite apparent that she really didn't want to get her child. Even the few times she's gotten him, she doesn't keep him with her for the 2 days she's entitled--she pawns him off on anyone who'll take him.

Almost 3 months ago, it came to a judge's attention that she was not excersising her parental time, and told her that "You have NO excuse to not get your child".  (However, shouldn't it be clear that you can't MAKE someone want to be a parent?)

Now it's come to the time of year (Jan, Feb, and March) in which the residential father is supposed to drive the whole way.  BM is of course expecting now that she has to do none of the work, take none of the time, and expend no money for gas, that this will just be done for her with no questions asked.  

She has exhibited a prolonged pattern of not wanting to be bothered with her child for at least nine months, so the residential father's plan is to continue the schedule that the BM been keeping which is to take child to her once per month.

To change the schedule now seems unfair to the child who's grown accustomed to only going that often, to the residential father who would have to shoulder the burden of a 4 hour trip twice per weekend, and the cost of the gas, which "should" be being covered by the BM through CS payments.  However, as soon as she found out she was to pay CS, she is no longer employed, so father hasn't received a penny, even though the judge cut the amount she was supposed to pay by almost a third so as to not cause any financial hardship.  Father absorbs ALL financial costs of child--including all medical payments, and has done so for child's entire life, which he doesn't mind, it's just the principle that both parents are supposed to be in some way responsible for child, and BM was certainly making above decent wages.

The judge had "instructed" her to start using her parental time--she's chosen to ignore that instruction, and has, in fact, been getting him even less often.

The BM does however, likes to "stick it to" residential father any and all ways she can, so father is sure that she'll try to cause problems with his plan.  She doesn't want the child there, but she likes knowing she can take 8 hours out of father's weekend 3 weekends per month, and money out of his pocket for the gas.  

Last year, when father took child to her place, she always found another place for him to be, and it's rare that she spends more than a few hours with him.  Father wouldn't even mind these trips so much if BM  were really using the time to be with child, but she doesn't, so father also feels he should have right of first refusal.

Father knows that having the driving schedule modified in court is the best way to go, but doesn't really have the money to go to court to  right now--there have been some unforeseen financial setbacks.

So the question is, with a judge already knowing of BM's lack of interest in child, her ignoring his order, and father having documentation of all BM's cancellations for that past 9 months, would BM's pattern of how often she's willing to have child, and father's stance and logic on this be enough to allow him to continue with the current once per month schedule, and would a judge be understanding of this?  

Taking a child to be with a BM who doesn't really want child there (as shown by her lack of interest and excuses) doesn't really sound like the best thing for child, and father could use the time with child instead of BM pawning child off on anyone who'll take him.  

I was also wondering if father would be able to have BM cited for contempt for failing to follow the court ordered visitation schedule?

If a person were to receive a contempt of court citation for refusing parenting time to the other parent, what would happen?  

Would the custodial parent be advised by the judge to start allowing visitation?

Or would custody be taken away from the custodial parent?

If you have what you feel is "just cause" to deny the parenting time, are you given an opportunity to explain it?

You were able to see as well that this is a power game on her part, but whether DH answers as soon as she calls, or waits til close to pick up/drop off time, it's still her pulling DH's strings-- so regardless of when he "gives in"-- it's still giving in, and that's all she's after and all she cares about.  

It doesn't matter to her if he's on the phone with her for 5 seconds or 5 minutes--just as long as she's FORCed him to return a call. This is apparently how she gets her jollies--she likes/needs to know that she still has "hooks" in him, and can still make him "dance" and this is the way she does it.

Last time DH told her to just LEAVE A MESSAGE stating WHAT she wanted, her reply was ---(and she screamed this right in front of son) "He's MY "F***ing* son".

Now--we have NO idea what THAT'S got to do with the price of tea in China!  But apparently,  in HER mind, because DH is son's BF, that gives HER the "right" to DH.  She doesn't seem to "get" that  THat birth gave her certain rights to SON, NOT to father.

She RAREly calls to talk to son. In three years, she's talked to him via phone perhaps a total of 10 minutes in all.  It's son's DAD she wants to talk to. If she does talk to son, she's on long enough (20 secs) to say how much she "loves" him...how much she "misses" him, and then "let me talk to your dad".

I was sure hoping that there was some legal way of dealing with it, but there must not be. There certainly SHOULD be in these kinds of nut cases...

DH suggested changing phone numbers, but I know that's not permitted.  The only one she DOES want to access is DH, but she's suPPOSed to be enabled to phone access to son.  

This woman has son in her home perhaps 20 days a year (and it's probably not even THAT much) but she creates more problems for us than anybody or anything!!

Well thank you so much again for your reply, and for the wish for good luck--we're going to need it-- we have 8 more years of having to deal with this psycho.  

Here's to a wonderful day!

Thank you much for the reply, but we've tried all those things, and it won't work.  

She absolutely reFUSes to leave a message stating "I won't be getting "son" this weekend", or "I'll be 15 minutes late"....She deMANDS to speak to BF.  So voice mail (which we have) is totally useless.

She absolutely reFUSes to leave ANY kind of message with me other than "Tell him to call me".  She wants to speak to BF, or else.   So we never know whether the message is that she's not GETTing son, or just that she's going to be late....she is using it as a power play against BF, and he knows it, but feels powerless to stop it.

And once she DOES have son up there (which is quite infrequent) she KNOWS that BF has no CHOICE but to call.

I also agree with you that BM has the right to info about her son, but she has never ONE time called for that.  In three years she has never once asked what his grades are, she's never once bought school pictures, she's never one time come to see the home he lives in, (and the list could go on ad nauseum here).  

BF is just sick of the made up reasons/excuses to FORCE him to get on the phone--he feels like he's lost all power over his own evenings at home, and he'd sure like to find some sort of answer to her insanity and games.  

Does a father with physical custody HAVE to put up with an ex/gf (BM to son) calling to speak directly with him several times a weekend?

For a bit of background: BM hardly ever gets the child -- about 2 days total in the last two months (her choice, not father's). She also has NEVer called to speak to father about an "issue" actually concerning son.  She calls to:

1. Ask the meeting time for the 100th time (even though it's been the same time for over a year, and could be quite easily tacked on her fridge).

2. To tell him directly WHY she's not getting son that week--even though he's told her many times that all she has to do is leave a message STATing that fact--he doesn't NEED to know WHY.

3. To beg for gas money (he has never ONCE given it to her, as she simply squanders her money on unecessary things--like drugs for the weekend, but she keeps asking).

4. To beg father to drive the whole distance to save her the trip [because she's too lazy and incompetent to do it herself]. (He has not, and WILL not do that, and has told her so many times). To take son up there is simply "leaving him to the wolves" since she just sends son off with known druggies or anybody else she can pawn him off on, so father is quite content with all the more she gets son.

5. Whatever other stupid reason or excuse she can come up with that day.

She is under the impression that because she was the oven for this child, that it grants her automatic "right" to father, even though he doesn't desire it, and has begged her to just leave him alone since she doesn't call to discuss son, but she's almost impossible to get along with if she doesn't get her own way.

This family is about ready for the looney bin because of her. Is there anything that can be done legally to put a stop to this insanity? Or does father just have to keep putting up with this for the next 8 years?

How do you go about getting money paid that's owed to by NCP on out of pocket medical expenses? (*other* than filing contempt of court which *doesn't* work and *doesn't* produce results).

Thanks so much for the response.  It's actually DH's ex/gf who is the BM of his son ("Sam") who expressed these thoughts to him last weekend.  She said that she'd almost called to cancel her parenting time as she'd been very depressed, and had given in to allowing thoughts of suicide to enter her mind.

I searched on the net to find something or someplace that could help me (as I have so many issues with her).  I long ago realized that even though that it doesn't really matter what would be best for the child, it almost takes an act of congress to enforce supervised visitation, or to change this to full custody of him, so that's not even really an issue, and certainly not what we're "after", as we wouldn't have the money necessary to fight for it anyway.

DH already has physical custody, and got it even though they were never married--in fact she would never even allow the child to take DH's last name. A guardian ad litem spent time in both households, and reported back to the court that the father had the much more stable and suitable household to raise a child in.  Also, the BM has had problems with drug usage and neglect of her children, and is what I would term "emotionally lazy".

 She has 3 boys to 3 different men, and lost physical custody to all 3 of them, however the oldest child's father committed suicide which sent that child back to her full-time.   About 5 years later the second child's father was diagnosed with cancer, and has gotten so bad healthwise that he is now unable to work or care for that child, so she has that one back as well.  

I have spent more time with "Sam" in two years, than his BM has in the last 7.  She has other interests which take away from her parenting time, so even though she HAS him, she doesn't really, as she finds someone for him to stay with at least one of the two weekend days (and nights) with every time.

I've been raising this child for over 2 years now (he calls me "mom" of his own accord), and I love him as much as I love my own birth son, so seeing the emotional turmoil  he has to go through 3 weekends a month is like torture for me.  

I've shed more tears, more times over this situation than I can even remember, and to see this woman's lack of mothering skills takes me on a roller coaster ride of emotions ranging from heartbreak, to anger,  to a sheer feeling of madness, and everything between.

 "Sam" deserves so much more, and it just breaks my heart to see him trying to "explain" away every time she sends him off somewhere else, or anthing else she does.  

DH and I have tried to shield him, and have never even one time spoken badly about BM, but unfortunately, he's going to learn the truth anyway--from the source.  He's 10 yrs old now, so he's beginning to see for himself that things are not always what they appear to be.  How do you protect a child from that kind of hurt??

We're trying our best to make sure that he has stability here, which I know he feels that from things he has said.   I know that as a SM, I have no legal rights, but "Sam" is my son "by heart", and I think (hope!)that's almost as good as the real thing for a child.

Sorry for the incredibly long post (and what I've written only just scratches the surface with the issues concerning this BM).  I just really need to be able to ask questions from time to time, and mostly I guess to "vent".  So thanks for listening! :)

Thanks so much for the explanation!  :)