Yes, I feel like you do. Please remember you are not alone, if that were the case SPARC would not exist. I am the girlfriend of a loving father of 3 whose ex wife constantly causes problems for no reason at all. When she starts her crap (she behaves for a while) again, I always feel like I have an elephant sitting on my chest and I can't breathe. It consumes most of my thoughts if I let it. I try to focus on other things. I find relief in the gym and my treadmill. There is nothing lifting a bunch of dumbbells to make me feel better! LOL!
I will try to make a long story short, but given all the crap she is put us through brevity may be a problem. They have been divorced nearly 5 years, and she has taken him to court 4x in those five years for a variety of things. The most henious was the false accusations in June of 03. Judge saw through it but still managed to reduce his parenting time yet again. This time his daughter's (12 at the time) summer visitiation time was reduced from 10 weeks to 4. It seems everytime we go to court he loses more time. Then in Dec 03 she tried to eliminate his eow visititation. He still lost more time...down to one weekend per month now. At that point he had not seen the kids all fall due to her PASing those kids. He was also ordered into therapy with the kids even though he had done nothing wrong and it was their Mom. The therapist has been a miracle worker, and this past winter and summer were great..no problems with the Mom. In fact, she even told the therapist before the summer she would be willing to give him is weekend back. I KNEW there had to be a reason. Today we now know it was only for her to get her weekend time during the summer (we are 4 hours apart). It has nothing to do with those kids having more time with their Dad. Now she is renegging on her promise and they still don't have a schedule worked out for the school year so DH has no idea if he will get to see his kids this Fall again.
Her latest is trying to tell us how to parent while the children are at our home as well. She thinks that we need to have the exact same rules here as she does in her home. Talk about a controlling woman! This past weekend the 13 and 11 year old were wrestling (normal for them) and the 13 hurt her wrist...no swelling, no sprain, no break...just minor. Well that prompted Mom to email to say that they have a no touch rule at their house and school has a zero tolerance and the kids can not have different rules in different places. Grrr.... what goes on in my home is my business not hers. Those children are loved and cared for here, but she can't see that.
The therapist is involved and will hopefully see through her crap, but you never know. Secondly, the therapist has taken too long to respond to email requests for a meeting and my DH won't call or do anything in a timely matter. That is my biggest frustration in this mess. He handles things so slowly and I feel caught in the middle. I need to learn to disengage from the situation, but don't really know how to do so. I keep telling myself they are not my kids; not my problem as she is not my ex, but when you love someone as much as I love DH and the are getting hurt it requires emotional involvment on my part. I am so involved with these kids and I don't have any of my own.
I try to get beyond it, but each time I try I end up back in the same place. I vent to my friends, bless them, as I am sure they get sick of hearing the soap opera saga. DH's sister has been great to me to so I am thankful for her as well.
DH and I have not seen a counselor ourselves, but maybe we should. However, it seems that we have our good days and bad days when it comes to this. We have a rule when we start to think she (the ex) is interferring with our relationship and we spend too much time talking about her. Whoever brings her name up has to put a quarter in the beer mug!
Easier? I don't know how to answer that one for you. I thought that is was easier since we had the therapist in the picture and we had a wonderful summer with the kids without too much (lot less than normal) interference from the ex, but now that they are back in her care she is starting her games again. So, I don't know. I think I am just resloving myself to accept the fact that she will NEVER get and wont change so all I can do is change my reaction to it, and attempt to live my life as I normally would without letting her rule it from a distance. I try to disengage and request that my DH not give me all the details of what goes on in therapy and the courtroom and lawyers offices and just enjoy the kids (they are such great kids) when they are in my care. Sometimes that works, and sometimes I just have to know!
Put you out of your misery? I hear you on that one. There are days where I think they only thing I should do is walk away from this relationship so I won't have to deal with the BS anylonger, but then I think of ALL the good things about my DH and I can't do that. I just need to learn to deal with it better. I was in a bad marriage with an alcoholic, and now that I have found someone who I consider a soulmate and who treats me like I should be treated I can't just throw that away due to some ex who is mental. Granted, there are days I would like to, but that would be the easy way out. Heck, if our relationshi can handle this crap, as it does test you to the limits, as you know first hand, we should be able to handle anything.
Hugs to you, as you definitely need them right now. I hope that things get better for you soon.
I will try to make a long story short, but given all the crap she is put us through brevity may be a problem. They have been divorced nearly 5 years, and she has taken him to court 4x in those five years for a variety of things. The most henious was the false accusations in June of 03. Judge saw through it but still managed to reduce his parenting time yet again. This time his daughter's (12 at the time) summer visitiation time was reduced from 10 weeks to 4. It seems everytime we go to court he loses more time. Then in Dec 03 she tried to eliminate his eow visititation. He still lost more time...down to one weekend per month now. At that point he had not seen the kids all fall due to her PASing those kids. He was also ordered into therapy with the kids even though he had done nothing wrong and it was their Mom. The therapist has been a miracle worker, and this past winter and summer were great..no problems with the Mom. In fact, she even told the therapist before the summer she would be willing to give him is weekend back. I KNEW there had to be a reason. Today we now know it was only for her to get her weekend time during the summer (we are 4 hours apart). It has nothing to do with those kids having more time with their Dad. Now she is renegging on her promise and they still don't have a schedule worked out for the school year so DH has no idea if he will get to see his kids this Fall again.
Her latest is trying to tell us how to parent while the children are at our home as well. She thinks that we need to have the exact same rules here as she does in her home. Talk about a controlling woman! This past weekend the 13 and 11 year old were wrestling (normal for them) and the 13 hurt her wrist...no swelling, no sprain, no break...just minor. Well that prompted Mom to email to say that they have a no touch rule at their house and school has a zero tolerance and the kids can not have different rules in different places. Grrr.... what goes on in my home is my business not hers. Those children are loved and cared for here, but she can't see that.
The therapist is involved and will hopefully see through her crap, but you never know. Secondly, the therapist has taken too long to respond to email requests for a meeting and my DH won't call or do anything in a timely matter. That is my biggest frustration in this mess. He handles things so slowly and I feel caught in the middle. I need to learn to disengage from the situation, but don't really know how to do so. I keep telling myself they are not my kids; not my problem as she is not my ex, but when you love someone as much as I love DH and the are getting hurt it requires emotional involvment on my part. I am so involved with these kids and I don't have any of my own.
I try to get beyond it, but each time I try I end up back in the same place. I vent to my friends, bless them, as I am sure they get sick of hearing the soap opera saga. DH's sister has been great to me to so I am thankful for her as well.
DH and I have not seen a counselor ourselves, but maybe we should. However, it seems that we have our good days and bad days when it comes to this. We have a rule when we start to think she (the ex) is interferring with our relationship and we spend too much time talking about her. Whoever brings her name up has to put a quarter in the beer mug!
Easier? I don't know how to answer that one for you. I thought that is was easier since we had the therapist in the picture and we had a wonderful summer with the kids without too much (lot less than normal) interference from the ex, but now that they are back in her care she is starting her games again. So, I don't know. I think I am just resloving myself to accept the fact that she will NEVER get and wont change so all I can do is change my reaction to it, and attempt to live my life as I normally would without letting her rule it from a distance. I try to disengage and request that my DH not give me all the details of what goes on in therapy and the courtroom and lawyers offices and just enjoy the kids (they are such great kids) when they are in my care. Sometimes that works, and sometimes I just have to know!
Put you out of your misery? I hear you on that one. There are days where I think they only thing I should do is walk away from this relationship so I won't have to deal with the BS anylonger, but then I think of ALL the good things about my DH and I can't do that. I just need to learn to deal with it better. I was in a bad marriage with an alcoholic, and now that I have found someone who I consider a soulmate and who treats me like I should be treated I can't just throw that away due to some ex who is mental. Granted, there are days I would like to, but that would be the easy way out. Heck, if our relationshi can handle this crap, as it does test you to the limits, as you know first hand, we should be able to handle anything.
Hugs to you, as you definitely need them right now. I hope that things get better for you soon.