Messages

>>I'm just wondering if he gets the visitation rights is he allowed to do as he pleases with them

Yes.  Would you want him dictating your time?

>>...can he just leave our daughter with his mother or sister for them to watch her b/c he wants to go out etc?

Yes.  Would you want him to deny your family the right to babysit / visit?

>>He's filing for visitations b/c HE wants to spend time with his daughter so why would it be right for him to go off and do as he pleases when that time is suppose to be for him and his daughter?

>>I mean the way I see it is he's suppose to be spending time with her if he's not even using his time why not be home with her mother.

Again, it is THIER time, not yours.  If they choose to play with each other every second, or watch movies the whole time, or sit at opposite corners of a room and stare at each other, or spend the entire time with other people....it is not your choice.  

Try to keep in mind that just because you and him have different ideas of parenting / visiting, neither has to be wrong, just different.  

Thank goodness your daughter has a father who wants to be involved in her life.  She is a lucky girl!

LittleBit's Dad

A little history in the order in which they occured:

BM asked that I begin dropping 10yr old son off at thier church so he can make practice for the Christmas play, I said yes. She said OK for me to come & told me the date & time.

I requested school info from her via certified mail.  

She responded via CM the day before the Christmas play by saying she did not want us there.  (And no shcool info by the way)

I attended son's play.  After the program, her & members of her family initiated 3 seperate confrontations with me & family.  The night ended with her screaming obscenities at us, making obscene jestures, & throwing a glass of ice at us (yes, at HER church, in the prescence of ALL the children!)

My wife filled charges against her.

BM couldn't make the first court date.

I filed for custody and filed charges for contempt of court

BM filed erroneous Restraining Order against me the week before Easter with thier church specifically named in the order (RE: Easter program)

RO was thrown out.  In addition, judge ordered HER to allow our son to call me anytime he wants, AND that he is to be at home every week at a designated time to recieve my phone call!

BM couldn't make the second court date (for the church incident).  Rescheduled for 5-19-04.

5-18-04, Weekly phone call with son went horrible!  He told me things like (sometimes screaming) he knows what I've done to his mother, he knows I call her names like #@*& and *#$@, he doesn't want to come to my house this weekend because I get him for six whole weeks and his mother needs to spend time with him.  He even starts talking about things that happened between his mother & me 6 years ago!  Of course BM was in background egging on the whole thing until his SF told him to just hang up on me....and he did!!!  Needless to say I am devistated.

5-19-04, Court finally happened.  BM refused to settle, even when offered to drop charges in exchange for anger mgt or parenting classes.  Judge was openly furious at her & told her to stop putting herself first & think of her child.  Also said thier was more than enough evidence to confict right now, but he delayed ruling for 6 months, at which time we all have to come back.  Judge promised her that he would personally see to jail time if she had the slightest incident between now & then.
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So basically she has figured out that I'm not taking her crap anymore and she's running scared.  She has exausted all sources trying to get me in trouble and it hasn't worked: DHR, phychiatrists, doctors, teachers, police, courts.  So now it seems her only chance is to turn our son completly against me, and she is apparantly doing pretty damn well.

After all that venting, I guess I'm just looking for a little advice or ideas.  I know what to do if BM refuses to let me have son, but what do I do if son refuses to come?  How should I react?  What do I say if I get to talk to him?

Sorry I haven't posted sooner, but I've been busy enjoying my family!  :)  We had a great weekend!  Son acutally got to go with us....boy I sure needed that mini-vacation.  I think I'm re-charged now.

To answer a few questions:

I filed for contempt of court and change of custody in February, court date is not yet set, but expected to be October or November.  In the meantime, I guess I just have to take whatever comes.  My attorney just says to keep notes of everything and we'll deal with it in court.  I don't like that answer, but I'm trusting that he knows what he's doing.

BM likes to claim Saturday 1st as 5th weekend when it benefits her, and she calls it the 1st weekend when that suits her.  As the policeman explained it to her in the past: Monday thru Friday are weekdays, Saturday and Sunday are weekend days, so Saturday the 1st is in fact the first weekend of the month.  

LittleBit's Dad

Thanks everyone for the support, as always.  I think I will vent a bit more if all will indulge me....

Can't pick up from school because he (10 yr old) doesn't go to school anymore!  BM secretely took him out last year so she could "home-school" him.  After trying unsuccessfully to bar me from his school functions through the BOE, she just removed him from the school system altogether!  She found yet another way to keep us apart for her own narcissistic reasons.  Now we can no longer share lunches together, field trips, Christmas plays, report cards, class projects, etc etc etc!  She is really sick.

So far I have taken the high road every time.  The "big picture" is getting clouded by all the smaller details though.  Thanks for the reminder.

I am supposed to pick up son Friday.  He is with me the 1st, 2nd and 3rd weekends.  BM refuses our time together whenever it suits her whim.  I am expecting that she will pull something this weekend since she knows we have been planning a family trip that cannot be re-scheduled.

Here are a few facts:
-BM is serious PAS case
-I filed for change of custody & contempt in Feb (court should be around end of year)
-she filed for TRO 3 weeks ago; it was thrown out, PLUS, judge ordered her to allow me phone calls with my son
-she continues to defy judges orders
---too much detail to go into---

Here is my dilemma:  I am getting completely discouraged!  I do not want her to ruin our plans anymore!  It not only affects me & my son, it sours the trip for my wife and our other children too.  I hate having to plan our lives around this crazy woman and her psychotic behaviors!

As you all know, there seems to be NO recourse...sure I can call the police.  They will do what they have done every time before & tell me to go back to court.  The last time (which was when she denied us our spring break together), I specifically asked the policeman "So when we go back to court, and I get yet another piece of paper that specifies my time with my son, and she will still not let him come, will you be able to do anything about it?"   His reply: "No, you'll have to go back to court."

What the F***!?!?  Why am I spending all this time, money, and heartache if nothing will ever change?!  It has been 4 years now since she took my son away and I am running on empty.  Why can't she just leave us alone!  Can she not see how she is hurting our child!?  What kind of mother does this!?  How have I become so helpless!?

Evaluator's report just arrived at attorney's office this week.  It contains good and bad things about both parents, mostly just hearsay that each parent told the evaluator.  

But...the child's interview's were GREAT for Dad.  The main points are :
child gets punished by BM & SF for expressing desires to see and talk to Dad,
child is spanked excessively by SF,
child is very worried about BM finding out what he says to evaluator, child prefers environment at Dad's home.
Evaluator expresses great concern about the secrecy at BM's house,
and notes that BM has successfully decreased Dad's ability to participate in child's life and in decisions.
Evaluator further noted that Dad can provide a stable and healthy environment for child.

In light of specifics mentioned in the report, we are scared to death for what punishments child will suffer if BM gets to read the info.  DH's attorny says it is up to BM's attorney whehter she sees it or not

Is it normal for the parties to get to read the report?
Is there some way to keep BM from seeing it?

Our evaluator made it very clear that she expects to be paid in full before her report is released.  I am responsible for my visits, BM is to pay for her visits, and we are each to pay 50% of child's visits and for the final report.  

From our origianl divorce 6 yrs ago: BM's 1st attny dropped out due to lack of payment;  her second attny has never been paid either; BM still has not paid her half to the GAL from 6yrs ago; nor did she pay the shrink that she hired for an evaluation.

So...what happens if BM doesn't pay her portion to the current evaluator?  Will I have to pay her part to get the report released?  Will the judge get a copy of it anyway?  Or does the evaluator have the right to simply not give it to anybody?

Filing date for change of custody and contempt was 02/04.  Court date was set for 07/04.  Evaluation was ordered and court was re-scheduled for 01/05.  Evaluation was not done, so court was moved to 06/05.  As of yesterday, Judge has a scheduling conflict, and the date is now 05/05.  (Yes, moved backward this time!  WooHoo!)

I don't even have much confidence that it will happen in May, because BM is notorious for postponning as long as possible.

Is there any limits on how many times the date can be changed?  Does it make a difference if the re-scheduling is due to the court processes (as stated above), or if it is due to one of the parties...such as BM having a last minute emergency.

Ex-Spouse Threatened to KIDNAP your child?

The Dr. Phil show is looking for a parent who fears their bitter custody battle will end with a kidnapping. Has your spouse threatened to kidnap your child? Do you dread sending your child to school because you fear they might be taken? Have you moved to get away from an ex-spouse for fear they will take your child? If you fear your child could be kidnapped by your ex-spouse, you want some help from Dr. Phil and YOU ARE WILLING TO APPEAR ON THE SHOW, email us your story.

Designated residential parent means that the child's primary resident is your home.  That is a very good thing.  With any type of joint custody, someone has to be designated as primary.  Unless otherwise stated, this answers the questions of what school district he will be in, who will claim him on taxes, who will be primary contact at doctor's office, etc.

Be very careful not agreeing with GAL.  It is already going your way, might not want to rock the boat.  Wait until later for that.  It will take everyone a little time to get used to a new schedule.  If son shows major signs of problems after a reasonable adjustment period, then you can re-visit things.

Also, if ex is really that concerned about $, that is a good avenue for you.  You will look better asking the court to order her to pay child support, than to ask to reduce her parenting time.  Then maybe SHE will want to offer you more time for less $.  

Just my thoughts!