Messages

<>

--BM knew her new husband as an acquaintance, I guess, while she was still married to my fiance (he told me he knew of the new hubby too).  They got together right after BM & FH split, and have been together for 3 years.  They just didn't get engaged until after he took the transfer, and then got married less than six weeks later, rushing it only because of the trial.  He's a nice guy and loves the kids, but we like him a whole lot less now, if he honestly thinks that taking the kids away from their dad and all of their family is what's best for them.  

<>

--You're funny!  My FH and I, and Dad#2 (before I wanted to kick him in the ba##$) said we would gladly throw BM a farewell party, and as our gift to her, we wouldn't even attend!

The judge gave his ruling in court, told BM's lawyer to write it up and show a copy to our lawyer & the law guardian, then give it to the judge to sign off on.  I don't know why the judge didn't have the order drawn up himself, but hey- this way BM's lawyer is charging her more, right?!

So once the law guardian and our lawyer got their copy of her lawyer's written order, based on the judge's ruling in court, they sent letters to the judge with recommendations/requests for things to be changed- the LG wants it put in the order that the kids come home to us for specific days for our wedding next year, and our lawyer wants the xmas holiday amended.  We won't know what the judge finalizes until we see the signed order.  

We're supposed to get xmas break (I don't know if that means the entire time, 1 wk or what), spring break (again, don't know the time frame), and (up to) 8 weeks in the summer- the judge said "up to" in court but you can bet your sweet a$$ we're not giving them up any earlier than 8 weeks!  

The judge also ordered daily communication by whatever electronic means we so choose, and anytime we want to go visit the kids we only have to give BM 24hr notice and she has to make them accessible to us.  If she comes here for any reason w/ the kids, she has to let us know they're here, and let us see them.  Our lawyer told us that the judge said he's going to keep jurisdication in NY, too.

Once the order is signed, even after our lawyer has requested the xmas holiday be amended, I don't know if we can file a motion for it to be changed- any actions for these parties are to be heard in front of the same judge, so what good would it do?  I wrote to Socrateaser yesterday about filing a complaint or an appeal and it sounds like he doesn't think we have much of a case for either, but he's not familiar w/ NY state.  

Our lawyer got a copy of the order that BM's lawyer is submitting to the judge, and if the judge signs off on it, it becomes the court order- the final ruling on our relocation case.  It states that during our Christmas visitation we have to give the kids back to BM Christmas Eve so they spend the night & Christmas morning w/ her!  Just because that's what she got her older daughter's father to agree to, they're trying to make us take the same deal!  So we're going to get screwed by this guy again!  We lost our case because because he didn't have the ba$$s to fight for his daughter, to stand up to BM, and now we're going to lose the holiday of our actual holiday break because of him, too!  I could kick him in those ba$$s he doesn't have!  UGGGGHH!  

I am so mad about all of this!  I keep telling myself to let it go, that they're my fiance's kids, that if he's not pissed (but he is, he just accepts things and doesn't fight it, just like a$$ face Dad#2) then I should just sit back and enjoy the time w/ the kids when they are here.  But I can't.  I miss them so much, and I see how withdrawn their dad is becoming, and how much their grandfather is hurting with them gone.  I see their empty bedrooms and think of all the hours in the days each week that we have free now because they're not here for us to do stuff with them, and it make me so mad, and sad, and hurt.  I can't let go of that.  I can't just be calm and wait for our next visit and not be pissed at BM and want to get back at her in every little way possible, for doing this to us.  Just something as little as her opening the ecard I sent SS for his 1st day of kindergarten (subject- "To (SS) from Dad") and she opened it before he even got home from school, makes me want to drive the 12 hours to her house and rip her throat out!

Hi melissa3!  Earlier today I sent a posting to your attention under one of your prior posts under the "General" topic, wondering where you're at with your case.

This is a GREAT question.  We have a meeting with our lawyer tomorrow so he can "prep" us for trial.  I will ask him about this.  We, too, have pictures, receipts, calendars showing how we have the kids more now than we would w/ BM's proposed visitation, etc.  

If you guys are Pro Se you'll definitely want to know, so I'll find out whatever I can for you!

Yes, you can fight it, and yes, you have a VERY good chance of keeping custody.  Not only do courts not like to take kids away from their primary caregiver, which you have been all of these years, but your home is obviously the more stable one.  The schools and doctors/dentists offices will have record of your being the parent attending/bringing the kids in for all those visits/meetings/classes.  That counts for A LOT.  

Start documenting- NOW.  Keep track of when your ex sees the kids, which ones go w/ him and for how long, anything derogatory he says or anything physical he does should be reported (did you call the police, or did the doctor suggest you file a police report after your ex hurt your son?)  No documentation will ever be too much- you'll never know what could be useful in a trial.  

If your ex is paying your child support by check, keep record of the checks, or get a record from your back of all the $ he's paid you so they'll see that he dropped the amount.  Even though you don't have anything in writing (do you?) which is NEVER a good thing- get ANY and ALL agreements in writing from now on- if a pattern is established, it will only look bad for him that he changed it to be spiteful.

Good luck.

Sounds like you have the law/statutes on your side, too.  That's great!  

I recommend your fiance stay current w/ his CS payments and get in as much visitation as he can- definitely keep to whatever schedule is in force, and take any extra time that's available.  

Document what you do- for example, on one of the websites I researched, more than one person suggested having receipts, ticket stubs & pictures (for if/when you do go to court) of dad's involvement in the kid's lives all along.  This mainly shows the bond they have to help prove that it would hurt to separate parent & child.  

We have stubs from plays& every type of ball game, pics of the kids w/ dad & family members over the years- including ones of dad w/ kids at BM's house for bdays & holidays the first year after they split.  THAT will definitely show that dad made an effort to see the kids- he was willing to go back to her house, put up w/ her & her family, just to share the holiday w/ the kids!  

Your BM will probably have as small a leg to stand on in court as ours.  Our lawyer is extremely confident that she can NOT win this case, and your situation is so similar.  I wish you the best.  

I just put this suggestion on someone else's... do you or your husband work for a company that has an EAP (Employee Assistance Program)?  My fiance's company does (he works for a steel mill).  He called EAP's 800# and they found a family law attorney who contacted us directly.  He charged us a discounted rate because of the program, and his retainer fee was MUCH less than the other quote we got from an attorney we looked into before we heard back from EAP.  

I also post on a website for stepmoms (that's how I found this website, from one of the stepmoms there) and one of the situations involved domestic violence and the father wanting to remove the kids but not having an attorney or the money to really fight the system and the ex.  It was suggested that they go to the press.  Now, their case was more extreme than yours, but who knows?  Some reporter, even from a small paper, may want to write about your case as a "human interest" story, and you'll get publicity that way, which may give you leads on an attorney.  Just a thought.  I wish I had more to help you.

Good luck.

1) on the schedule it has:

The first and third weekends from Friday night at 7:00 p.m. until Sunday night at 7:30 p.m.
The second and forth weekends from Friday at 5:00 p.m. to Saturday 7:30 p.m.
There shall be no visitation on the fourth weekend.

Why is there no overnight on Saturday on the 2nd & 4th weekend and since there IS a listing for the 4th wknd, why does the next line say no visitation for that wkend?

2) #12 Tax deductions says:

The parents will split the tax deductions, each claiming one child each financial year.

What if there's only one child?  Or more than two?  (I'm assuming you made this plan up based on your family and you have 2 kids?) :) me 2
Right now ours says BM gets to claim both kids- but she's a SAHM!  So dad doesn't get to claim them, and she can't.  We want to get it changed where they each claim 1, and she can claim the younger child since she'll be able to do that longer.

OTHER THAN THAT, I THINK THIS IS A GREAT PLAN, ESPECIALLY FOR COUPLES JUST SEPARATING WHO HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TO DO, OR DADS WHO MIGHT END UP GETTING SCREWED IF THEY DON'T KNOW ANY BETTER!  

Like you said, moving is the "hot topic" lately... my fiance's BM's is trying to move the kids out of state too.

First step he should take is to file a Temporary Order of Relief that prohibits BM from taking child out of state until a court decides.  You don't need a lawyer to do that- just go down to your Family Court office.

I did some major online searches with various keywords like "custodial parent moving children out of state" and switching it around to "how to stop..." and found so much information.  One of the sites- and wish I could tell you which one it was, I'm sorry- listed each state and their position on relocation cases.  I'm in NY and we've always been the strictest state against the BM's moving.  

Here's the factors that seem to be the same all the way around, though, in all the research I did, when it comes to BM having the burden of proof that the move is in the best interest of the child:

- if the move is for her job; they will consider it if it's her husband's.  She has to HAVE a job IN PLACE that is SIGNIFICANTLY better than the one she has now, not just a promise of better chances for employment, and not equal pay.

- if the move is to be closer to family

- if the move greatly increases the child's "economic stability" all around-considerations might include $ earned, cost of living in the areas, education opportunities, etc.

- how the move will affect the visitation w/ the non-custodial parent.  Some judges do feel that large blocks of time w/ the NCP, like summer vacation, are just as beneficial to the child/parent relationship as the EOW schedule type visitation; others feel that by going such long periods of time w/out seeing the NCP, the bond between parent & child will be diminished.

It sounds like your case is going to be a bit tougher than ours- my fiance has his kids all the time (they live almost across the street from us), all their family is here, BM is a stay at home mom & it was her boyfriend who took the job for which they're moving, and he took a pay cut at that.  I would definitely get a lawyer to help you out on this- but you can still go file the Order of Relief right away!  If BM leaves the state, it is very hard to get her back here to fight it after that.

Does your fiance have a program through his work that provides assistance for lawyers?  My fiance got our lawyer thru an EAP (employee assistance program)- he called the 800# and the people from EAP called a lawyer in our area that handles this type of case, and the lawyer agrees to represent us at a discounted rate, through the program.  Even w/ that we borrowed $ to pay the retainer fee, but no matter what, it'll be worth it in the end.  Even if things don't go our way, we could never live w/ourselves, and face the kids down the road, if we hadn't fought for them.

Good luck, and please keep me posted!  
Kathy

...on the NY State Message Forum and only recd 1 response, which recommended posting on other forums.  "Shorte" has sole custody and wanted to move out of state, didn't know if that was possible.  

My fiance's ex-wife is trying to move his kid's out of NY and we're trying to stop her.  I would like to know what, if any, feedback "Shorte" got from anyone on any of the other forums.  

This is my first time posting, only my second visit to the site and there are so many posts and I can't possibly go through them all to check.  So if anyone has any info. on the subject or remembers this user and the outcome, please respond.  

Thanks!