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"...stab himself to death repeatedly..."?  :-)


Her response would be funny if it weren't so frighteningly typical.

I've got to tell you that you are way over estimating how much help the military will be.  

The JAG:

They will NOT touch your civil divorce proceedings.  
They will NOT go to court for you.
They will NOT represent you in any way.

My first husband was an officer in the Air Force.  The JAG was no help even when we went in together and asked them to just look over our paperwork.  You are way off base on this.

Space A Travel:

will NOT be convienent.
will NOT be consistant.
will cost you more money when you have to buy a one way ticket back from where ever you managed to get.
will NOT be available most of the time.

My current husband "owns" 12 airplanes as the DO of a flying squadron.  He is in charge of the day to day workings of every aspect of the flying squadron.  He can't be sure of getting Space A to travel to see his daughter because there is just no way of controlling all the factors involved.  So, pardon me for sounding full of myself, but if hubby can't  do it, there is no way you will be able to do it every other weekend.

From someone who knows, you are being incredibly unrealistic in your thoughts about the military being helpful in your life.  

Oh, and lets not forget that the "three years in CA" could turn into who knows how long with Stoploss and that silly inconvience called the war.  There is NO certainty with the military these days and you are kidding yourself if you think otherwise.

If they wont budge on the "receiving parent picks up", try and get wording in so if a parent is late (X) amount of times or refuses to meet for spurious reasons, it goes to receiving parents house.

Most people have nothing but trouble with the meeting half way.  I would definately insist on some clause that automatically changes it when she becomes a pain in the butt about it.

Good luck.

Good for you.  I'm glad you are going to see your girls.  

Respect for family is good....being a doormat is bad.  Sounds like you are finding the happy medium.

I know it's hard to give up any time, but sometimes it's the best thing to do.  We feel like we do it so that the kids can have as normal a life as possible since the divorce wasn't their fault.  Intact families make sacrifices so the kids can go to birthday parties, sporting events, special occasions just as kids miss things like that to be with families.   It's a tightrope walk no matter how you look at it.

Sounds like you did good, Dad.  I hope you enjoy your weekend with the girls.

I guess my thoughts on this would be that because this is a fairly new situation that you need to set the precedent now or you will be in trouble down the road.  I can offer ideas but you'll have to decide what will work for you.

1.   Do not spend a lot of time arguing with your ex.  Just state that you will be there to pick up the girls for your parenting time.  Then show up and remain calm.  If she refuses to let the girls go, see if you can get a peace officer to come and verify that she is willfully denying you your time.  Then file contempt.
2.   Do not let the girls chose.  Tell them that you are their father and that they do not make the rules.  
3.   If one child is too sick to go, take the other one.  Have special one on one time, do something special.  Let the other child feel a little bad they missed out and let the one that came feel a little special.  One on one time is important with a parent and child any way.
4.   Find the "intent to exercise visitation" letter on this site and mail it to our ex so you have proof that you did not give up your time.
5.   When you are alone with the girls (away from Mom) discuss with them that you understand that they have things they will want to do and you will make every effort to let them, they have to understand that family is important and there will be things they will miss.  That's life.

If you let this go, you will deal with this for the rest of the time these girls are minors.  Your daughters sound like they are old enough to talk to.  DO NOT ever talk down about their mother to them, just talk about the fact that they need to spend time with both sides of their family.

On a side note, it sounds like you are extremely accommodating to your ex wife.  Why are you paying her hotel room and all the other expenses?  Pay for your room and your kids meals if you want but why be nice to your ex if she is going to thwart your time with your girls? I'd be less of a wallet for her if she's going to be unhelpful.   She should learn that you get more flies with honey....and all that.

Good luck.

I think you need to change it some.  By starting out saying you think camp is great, she is going to have leverage to say that you should just give up your time with Son.  Also, it lets her know that Son spilled the beans and could cause her to drill him further on how to keep secrets from Dad.  

Try something like this:

I am writing to clarify my summer dates with Son so there is no confusion.  The dates Son is going to be with me are as follows: May 27, 28, 29, June 3, 4, 5, 10, 11, 12, 17, 18,19, etc.

Since there has been no communication from you regarding a need to trade dates, I am going to plan our schedule accordingly.  If you feel we need to discuss the possibility of trading some of these dates, please call or email ASAP so there will be time to work things out.  

If I do not here from you by (pick a date) then I will be unable to change any plans we make and will stick to the parenting schedule as it is set.

That way you let her know that you might change dates but will not give up time.  I'm not the best writer so someone else will probably come up with something better.  I do know that you should never use the word "asssume" when dealing with a difficult ex.  Leaves too much room for them to blame you.

Good luck.

We travel to Mazatlan in Mexico for 2-3 weeks every other year with our children.  Here is what we have always taken and not had any issues:

1:  Vertified copies of all four children's birth certificates;

2:  My divorce decree (certified copy) showing I have sole custody of my two children;

3:  Noterized statement from Mother of my step daughter that she is aware and gives permission for Husband and I to take daugher out of country  (Specific place and times for travel are stated in the letter, the airlines like that).

You do not need passports (yet) to get in/out of Mexico and Canada.  That was going to happen in 2007 but as of now, it's been tabled for political reasons.

Have a great time!

Rather than a show cause, can you mediate a change in the visitation?  Something to the effect of:

"because child in involved in football in the Fall and baseball in the Spring, father may miss some of his scheduled parenting time.  To allow son to be involved in extra curricular activities and still allow for consistant and continuing contact with his father the following amendments to the current paretning plan:

1:  Mother shall give father sports schedule, contact numbers for league and coaches prior to first practice;

2:  Father is welcome to be involved in all practices, games, activities pertaining to son's activities;

3:  Family functions take precidence over extracurricular activities.  Family functions as defined as weddings, funerals, reunions (add what you think is important here, remembering that she will be able to add here as well)

4:  Both parents will make every effort to have child at sport events, keeping in mind that there may be circumstances which require son to miss sport event.  Absences will be communicated to coaches and other parent prior to absence.

5:  Due to the scheduled parenting time father must give up to allow for son's participation in sports, Father will get additional time during sports seasons to consist of any extra day off school and father shall have the ability to trade his weekend for the weekend imediately proceeding or following said weekend that does not have sports activities in it.

6:  Mother shall pick up child at the end of Father's parenting time so as to give father more quality parenting time at his home rather than using all his parenting time driving.


These are just ideas but it seems like a more positive approach than a show cause motion.  And, if you could get and agreement of some sort  it would save you money.


PS:  Yes, the Stepdad is a jerk but you can't change that.  I wouldn't be taking my kid's into their house no matter how bad they have to pee.  Stay out of his home and he'll stay out of your face. (hopefully)

Please do NOT send that email.  It will put the weight of your divorce/custody issues squarely on the shoulders of your son.   He is a child and does not deserve to be put in the position of "choosing" between being a kid and seeing his dad.

I completely understand your frustration with not seeing him.  My husband's ex signs their daughter up for everything and accepts all invitations to partys/sleep overs/etc. without a care to my husband's time.  He gets every other weekend and it used to be a 7 hour round trip on Friday and Sunday.  No fun.  And then to have her mother say "Well she has a sleep over on Saturday that she really wants to go to so you'll have to tell her she can't" or "It's not my fault that she has dance (or softball or girlscouts or cheerleading or.....).  If you really loved her you wouldn't make her miss out on anything.  You are being a selfish bastard"  ect, ect, ect.

The way we got through it was we decided to give her as much of a "normal" life as possible.  We make sure to let her do as much as we can.  Yes, Hubby misses out on some time and has to put in extra driving time and miss some activities with the other three kids in our family, but his daughter has never said "Why do I have to go?" or "I wish you would have let me......." or "I can't believe you made me choose between my friends (or sports or whatever) and you."  

Hubby calls, sends letters, emails, sends treats to her teacher to give out to her class, all kinds of things like that to stay involved.  And, some times she does have to miss things.  But, that's normal life.  And she doesn't resent us for "taking her away from her real life" as her mother often used to threaten would happen.

Hubby also found a camping site close to where his daughter lives and once or twice a year, we stay there as an adventure and get to go to her activities.  And sometimes we just suck it up and drive the round trip to show her (and her mother) that we are not giving up his right to be involved in his daughter's life.

You will cause your son to resent you if you send this email.  Read it again and see how many times you are forcing him to chose.  Between you and activities and you and his mother.  Extremely unfair to him.  He didn't split his family, his parents did, so he shouldn't be required to chose between his families.  And,remember, even in intact families, children grow to an age where they will chose friends and a social life over parents any day.  Don't force that to happen at this early stage.

It is hard, and it sucks, and it is totally unfair.  However, that is the burden the adults should carry, not the child.

I hope this hasn't been too harsh.  I don't mean it to be.  We just feel very strongly that the children should be kept out of the middle.

Also, my hubby does all this driving in a 1980 Crown Victoria that has no air conditioning, 250+ thousand miles, no radio and an electrical short somewhere that causes the car to die on lonely stretches of road in the middle of the night.  I understand car troubles but don't let that stop you.

Good luck.  Our thoughts are with you.

I never write letters... I'm a horrible speller.  But I sent one out on this one.  :-D

KC