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Messages - nosonew

#601
This could be our case, but that happened years ago.  Perhaps we would have had ss at an earlier age if our atty had been this good!  Thanks for this info, I have a friend going thru this and will share this info.

TO SPARC:  I believe this is important enough and helpful enough to keep in the archives.  Please do this!!!!

Thanks, Nosonew
#602
Okay, how to deal with the child/upset mother.

(Once you record the phone conversations and honestly I would do this if it was legal or not, just don't tell anyone if not legal in your state), you will have a better idea of what is going on.  

So, just tell the child "this is daddy's time with you".  You don't have to get specific at this age, just change the subject, go do something fun (even if it wasn't in the plans), and she will adjust quickly to this if you stick to it.

Regarding BM, since dad has already taken child back on at least one occassion, she is going to perhaps demand the child back.  In that case, tell her you are following court orders and that is the end of it.  Period. Don't argue.  Just make the statement, say goodnight and hang up.  If she continually calls, just turn the answering machine on or turn your ringer off.  Don't let her disrupt YOUR home or your time with your child.

I am truly sorry you have to go thru all of this.  I am also bm to older son and have an ex.  We get along well and decided at the time of the divorce to not ever put son in the middle.  Thus, he is now a well-adjusted teenager who has made his own visitation schedule with dad for the last couple of years.  All he has to say is Im going to dads, and he goes (and we live 1.5 hours apart).  I drop everything to take him because his relationship with dad is just as important as his relationship with me, and as a boy, perhaps more so.  

Best of luck, and let us know how things work out.  Just remember, as hard as it is, stick to the plan.  Don't give in.  
#603
Father's Issues / RE: I agree BUT..........
Nov 30, 2003, 01:45:07 PM
msme

I understand you are trying to say that each parent is responsible to make sure their children are healthy and well cared for.  I agree with that.  My point was that within 15 minutes of returning to her home, she found this particular bruise, in this particular spot.  If she was still changing his diaper, or even wiping his butt from potty training I could buy it, but NO, she was strip-searching him upon return visits.  That I find disgusting and insulting, not to mention what that tells the child without even speaking words!! Just my two cents.
#604
Murphy, first thing:
1.  Don't take the child back during your visitation.  Why?  Because you start a routine that is enabling the PAS.  Then by doing so, you are showing the child mom is right and when child has something happen she doesn't like, back to mom she goes.  How do I know?  Went thru the exact same thing!!  Our BM would drug the child, have him sleep all day, then told him if he couldn't go to sleep at bedtime, it was because he was "homesick for mom".  So, when bedtime rolled around, he wasn't sleepy and would ask to go home.  How did I handle this?  I have lots of Disney movies and we would stay up, watch movies, eat popcorn and have fun!  When bm realized this wasn't working, she quit, (but moved on to other things of course).  So each time she tries a new avenue, you just "intercept" and change the course to your favor.

2.  Regarding phone calls, if it is legal in your state, record the calls.  They probably won't do much in court, but just so you know what mom is saying to the child.  And you can "effectively" intercept what is going on.  

3.  As far as the smoking, I would tell you to quit, but under extreme stress like this, it's not a good time.  However, just continue to smoke outside and have friends/family willing to back you on this topic.

4.  Take child to your own doctor to confirm diagnosis of asthma.  Then you know.  Also, if she does have asthma, shouldn't mom be sending an inhaler or other medication with her for visits?  

5.  I feel for you regarding being the new stepmom, hopefully bm will give up on her vendetta soon and your life will be a little more normal. Don't bet on it, but Im an optimist at heart!

6.  Never blame the child.  I can tell from your writings that you feel the child is just playing right into moms hands, but it REALLY is not the childs fault.  6 years old is young enough for you to be able to make a change, but you MUST stick to your guns as hard as it may be.  Make sure any rules she follows in your household are the same for all the other kids.  Don't treat her any different. (Although I must admit, the first couple of years I got to know ss, I let him get away with alot more than my son could, and if he asked for something, I usually gave in).  It is very easy to hold a grudge against the child (even unknowingly), but please do your best not to.  She is the number one victim here.

Best of luck, hope to hear more soon.
#605
Father's Issues / To st. paulie...
Nov 27, 2003, 01:53:07 PM
This all happened quite a few years ago, if it had been more recent, I would do what NancyLou did.  However, now ss lives with us, is content and happy, learning to live a normal life.  Yes, we did live in a "sort of hell for years" now we have a great life, and she lives by herself.

I appreciate your input and rage at this situation, as I was flabbergasted at the time.  And completely upset with the system that allowed it to happen.  (We also had to get it court ordered they stop bathing together which took years and she finally stopped when he was 7 years old!)  And she accused US of sexual abuse!! (Of course that went NOWHERE).
#606
Father's Issues / Agree, suggestion
Nov 26, 2003, 04:48:19 PM
I agree to specify that "mosquito bites and small, insignificant bruises and scratches are very common on boys of this age as they are engaged in age appropriate play in the outdoors, even with adult supervision".  

Also, I would state that the court order states "ncp to pick up...." and do not give in, do not change to suit her needs as someone earlier requested.  By doing this, you are giving up precious time with your child and the bm will just expect it to continue month after month and every xmas.  Do not give in.  You are entitled to your visits as stated, period.  Be very courteous, polite, yet firm in your letter to atty and if you do not have an attorney to cc the letter to, just send it to the judge over seeing your case.

Our BM actually called when ss was 6 years old asking "where he got the 1/16"  circular bruise between his testicles and anus" (she called 15 minutes after he was returned to her!)  I wasn't concerned about the bruise, he plays outside all the time, I was concerned about how SHE FOUND IT!!??  It is called a strip search upon return from visit!  When discussed with judges, counselors, SRS, etc., they all just stated "she is over-protective, no law against that!"  Luckily via our insistance that she quit bathing with him and strip searching him after visits, this did stop.

Good luck and stand up for your rights as a father!  Nosonew