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BM has been working at this FF since May.  They signed the CO in March.  Initially she had a friend do her driving since she didn't have a car.  When the friend got sick of BM using them DH had to bring kids to and from BM's house, which is not close.  BM got a car several weeks ago.  BM told DH she has not contacted her employer about changing her hours to accommodate her CO and doesn't plan to.  

DH does not have a copy of her work schedule, BM is not CO to provide it.  But generally she works 9-6pm.  If she legitimately can't get the time off we wouldn't push it but she does get time off when she needs it and she hasn't even asked.  For example, because they are out of school we have the girls most of this week and suddenly BM hours change to noon-8pm for the week.  I think someone gets to sleep in this week!  

I like your sample letter.  The CO isn't years old so we'll have to change that part.  I'll show it to DH and see what he thinks.

Good idea on the Fed ex.  

We should also do that with letters we send the kids.  Twice we've sent them postcards to BM's house, and mysteriously they are never delivered!  Amazing!  

Thanks!

The kids are young so keeping them an hour longer isn't a good option.  We already believe they don't get enough sleep.  I like the idea of having BM do the driving for the pick up, it would give him more time with them at our house.  I'll suggest that to DH.  

The babysitter is farther than the meeting point, adding about 30 minutes to the drive.  Considering DH only gets them for two hours on Wednesday visit, we think it's substantial.    

I agree he needs to pick his battles.  However, there is a long history of BM doing whatever she can not to drive adding considerable gas expense and miles to DH's car.  DH has done all the driving since they split five years ago even when she had a car and she moved 35 miles away (about an hour each way driving).  

Yes the woman needs to make a living, but we also believe she needs to do her part in trying to comply to a CO she agreed to.  She knew she'd have to meet DH at 5pm before she got this job.  We have examples of her changing her schedule for all sorts of things that benefit her.  

The letter is more for us to document that she is not complying.  We don't actually expect her to do anything to help DH – although it would be nice.  She hasn't been complying since the date the CO was signed.  

Thanks for the suggestions.  

In my DH and ex's CO they exchange the kids in a parking lot at a local store.  DH was doing all the driving until BM recently got a car.  She's telling DH that she can't get off work in time to met him for the drop off (at 5pm, she works until 6pm) and he'll have to pick up the kids at the baby-sitters.  She works in a fast food restaurant and her hours are scheduled 30 days in advance.  Last we heard she's made no attempt to change her hours in order to meet DH.  DH changed his hours so he can be at the meeting point on time.  

DH wants her to stick to the CO.  She evades it every chance she gets.  He'd file for contempt but we don't think a judge would see her as 'willfully' disregarding the order since she'll claim she can't get off work.

DH wants to send her a certified letter. We're hoping it will scare her into complying.  We were thinking something along the lines of:
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Since your work schedule is posted 30 days out I am willing to pick up the girls from XX's house for the next 30 days.  As of XX date I expect you to be a the designated drop off location for exchanges.
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Anything we should add or not say?  Is this the proper first step?  Any guidance would be appreciated.  DH is trying to pick his battles, but this one has been going on (in difference ways) for years.    

Thanks for the suggestions.  The mid week visits have only been going on a few weeks.  We were doing it off and on in the summer too though.  BM has told DH she's not going to let the girls spend too much time with us, because she knows we can use it to try and get custody.  But she seems more open to it lately as long as I'm not too involved.  So, I'll stay in the background for a while and if we're still doing it in six months we'll approach DH's attorney.

Ref, I like the way you put it, "BM's can be so possessive of the love of their kids."  You've hit it exactly in this case.
 

This hypothetical became reality sooner than I thought it would.  DH is trying to get BM to agree to let girls spend mid-week visit overnight at our house.  Oldest SD (8) has been asking to spend more with us.  BM agreed to try it – mostly because it meant she didn't have to get out of bed.  

DH works a 9-5 job, but has to go into work before the girls start school.  So I dropped them off at school.  My job is more flexible and it's on my way.  BM found out and told DH that unless he drives girls to school they can't spend the night (she really doesn't like me at all).  Mid week overnights are not CO so we can't force it, but it was obvious the girls liked the extra time.  I agree if DH is gone for days they should stay with BM.  Although, honestly I think they'd prefer to stay with me.    

My comment about BM being a bad influence is all our opinion and not enough for CPS, at least not yet.  She smokes in their small apartment, youngest has asthma.  She has male overnight guests, her house is filthy, she feeds them crap to eat, etc.  We live in the upper mid-west and she's sent them to school without hats or gloves (temp outside was below zero).  Not child abuse but not good parenting in our opinion.  She also been known to get high while the girls are there, but we have no proof.  So, DH prefers them at our house.  He's with them when they are here, but can't get them to school in the AM.

We're hoping she'll get over the drive to school.    

This is for now a hypothetical situation, but I'd like to get opinions on it.  I've heard the argument from CP that if the NCP can't be with the children during NCP parenting time that the children should just stay with CP.  

DH is NCP and shares legal custody.  In his opinion even if he's not going to be home he'd rather have his girls spend time with me (SM) at our house than to be with CP.  He does not believe she's a good influence on them and wants them at our house as much as possible, even if he can't be there.  Since they share legal custody, doesn't he get to make this decision?  

My SD's BM used to call every night while we were putting the girls to bed (she found out the bed time at our house and called 10 minutes before).  DH turned off his phone and she finally stopped calling.

Since you don't really have that option, it sounds like you're just going to have to put your foot down with her.  Next time she calls let her know the call has to end at 8pm and if she wants more time with the kids to call earlier.  Then, at 8pm politely tell you child to wrap it up.  Maybe have the conversation with her about calling earlier in front of the kids so they see you're not trying to take away their time with mom?

You have the control in this situation.    

Take care.

I have read many of your posts.  Best wishes!

I never posted that I planned on going to court with the caffiene argument.  DH and I are trying to find the true issues.   I'm not completly new to the dynamic of the ex, new wife/SM friction (to say the least).        

What's with the hostility?  

I guess it's how you define 'treatment.'  If people use it to alter the behavior, then I see it as a treatment.  I wasn't implying anything negative when I made my comment, just stating I didn't realize people used it to combat ADHD symptoms.  

My comment about BM using the coffee was because BM said she wasn't going to use any medications (don't many say caffiene is a drug?), implying she wasn't going introduce anything into her daughter's body (that is what she meant by it).  They agreed to use behavioral methods or any other non-medication treatments the Dr suggested.  But by giving her daughter coffee, she's going against what she told DH she would do.  Just making the observation...

YSD is having serious issues with behavior at school.  I don't think it's wise to 'experiment' without talking to the other parent and teacher first.  I know it doesn't matter what I think, I'm stating my opinion.