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Messages - mistoffolees

Father's Issues / RE:
Nov 09, 2006, 07:27:28 AM
Exactly. This guy keeps talking about all the things that his kids shouldn't see, but no evidence that she's really sleeping around - and even more importantly, no evidence that the kids have seen anything they shouldn't.

I stand by my original post.
Maybe it's just me, but I think 3 weeks is a long time to wait. In many cases, the mother needs this money to support the child (which is, after all, what it's all about).

Personally, if I found that my support payment was not deducted from my paycheck, I'd send it immediately. That seems like the only honorable thing to do.
Father's Issues / RE: wish us luck!
Nov 08, 2006, 08:37:31 AM

Sounds like a conflict of interest. If the respondent tries to hire a lawyer and they contact the petitioner's lawyer to say they won't take her because she doesn't pay her bills, it seems that they might be opening themselves up to legal action. It's certainly not something that I would expect a lawyer to do.
Father's Issues / RE: What do I do
Nov 06, 2006, 07:44:44 AM
One thing to watch out for (and getting a competent attorney is the first step) - in many states (perhaps even most), sexual preference is not a factor that may legally be considered in awarding custody. You could (and maybe even should) bring it up, but don't make it the focus of your case. I would focus more on the other issues. For example, you weren't very specific about things she did in front of your son, but if she's openly sexual in front of your son, that would be worth addressing. OTOH, if she's merely kissing her partner or holding hands, you might not be able to make a case.

I would agree with the above poster, but just be careful. You want to come across as supportive (of the child) and putting the child's interests first. Like it or not, continued contact with the mother is of benefit to the child in most cases.

Also, please examine your own conscience in this matter. Are you SURE that you're driven by what's best for your son? For example, given my daughter's schedule, a 15 minute phone call every night is a big chunk of her free time (after you subtract homework, activities, eating, bath time, etc). While simply hanging up is rude, I don't personally see 15 minutes a night as being all that restrictive. I also don't see a 35 minute drive as being that big a deal - my daughter has a 30 minute drive each way to school every day regardless of which parent she's with.

Try to consider both sides of the issue - even if you decide that you ARE going to make an issue of it, it will make your position stronger.
Father's Issues / RE: Jail for judges
Oct 18, 2006, 01:48:29 PM
In practice, this is going to be pretty tough to enforce. Judges have  a great deal of discretion (particularly in the case of child support / custody issues). In practice, they CAN do whatever they want.

What it WILL do is prevent judges from saying stupid things like "I don't follow federal law" but I don't expect it would have much real impact.
Father's Issues / You're missing the point
Oct 18, 2006, 01:46:22 PM
If you'd stop being angry for a moment and listen to the advice you asked for:

I never said that there's no difference between making acquaintences and sleeping around. But if your ex is discreet, how is your son supposed to know that the guy he sees every once in a while is a friend or a lover (or is he even old enough to know what that means?)

The point is that you need to be concerned about reality - not your fears about what is happening. If your wife isn't taking her new guy into the bed room right in front of your son, your concerns are unfounded.

I already stated that if she's doing something in front of your son, that you have an issue for Child Welfare. If she's not doing it in front of the son, drop it-it's irrelevant.
Father's Issues / Custody question
Oct 18, 2006, 12:02:16 PM
I recently attended my court-ordered parenting course (all parents have to take it in my court district). One of the things that was very eye-opening was how much the child's need for the non-custodial parent changes over time. Generally, the younger the child, the shorter and more frequent the visitation should be.

Yet virtually every custody agreement I've seen has a set custody and visitation schedule and the only way to get it changed is for one parent to go back to court.

Why don't people write agreements that adjust over time? For example, it might say:
- the father sees the child for 2 hours three evenings a week.
- When the child turns 5, the father sees the child every Wednesday and every other weekend
- When the child turns 10, the father takes the child every other week
- When the child turns 16, the child can choose where to spend time, but a minimum of x days per month at each home

Ignoring the specific details above (which would be very different in different situations), why don't people do that? It seems to make more sense than assuming that the needs of a 2 year old will be the same for their entire life.
Find an attorney and ask them about filing for custody immediately. If you have a letter from her or any other indication that she's not going to return, it will help a lot. As someone else suggested, ask the court to hold her passport.

The biggest factor that you have to be able to prove is that the move will be the welfare of the child. At age 2, there's a strong presumption that visits should be frequent and relatively short. You can probably argue that if she's in Florida, you won't be able to visit often enough to be an important part of the child's life. Of course, the downside is that at age 2. he hasn't developed a lot of friendships or relationships at school, so there's not as much intrinsic harm to relocating him. My daughter is 8 and the fact that she's lived most of her life in the same house, has the same friends, and has always gone to the same school argues pretty strongly for NOT moving her out of state. You won't have that advantage.

I really can't comment on #3 other than to say that the ultimate issue will be how it affects the child. I would suggest that you NOT spell out what the addiction is, but let's put it this way - if it's a drug or alcohol addiction, there's a good chance that it will have a very negative impact on the child. If it's a sex addiction and you are discreet, the child need never know about it. If it's gambling (and you are able to keep the finances under control), again, the child will probably not be greatly affected. Without knowing the details (which, again, I would encourage you NOT to disclose here), it's hard to be specific. But focus on what's best for the child. An attorney will probably be necessary - if for no other reason than to protect you against your ex's attempts to blackmail you.

Good luck.
As far as the Bar investigation, I'd forget it. First, you're going to have a very hard time proving anything. Second, even if you can prove something, you won't get your daughter back. Third, you're going to need an attorney and if you bring someone up on charges, your options drop - fast.

As for the rest, she has sole legal and physical custody. Is there any wording in the agreement about out of state moves? If not, you're probably out of luck. You MIGHT be able to go back to the judge who has admonished her twice and ask for a change in custody due to her misbehavior and the change of circumstances (your pending marriage). There's a chance that you might be able to convince him that it's not in the child's best interest to go to FL, but it sounds pretty tough to me.

Personally, I'd find a new lawyer (if you're not happy with the one you have, you should change - even if there were no trust issues), and ask them what options you have.
Father's Issues / Just an opinion
Oct 18, 2006, 11:42:03 AM
For what it's worth, it doesn't seem terribly unreasonable unless you have reason to believe that one or more of the kids are trouble (on drugs, in a gang, whatever). Of course, what's reasonable to me may not be what's legally acceptable. And I would try to avoid it. If they're so close, couldn't one of the neighbors have spent the night there?