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I'm sorry, but I wouldn't pull any punches with this kind of behaviour.  I think you should explain to sd that people aren't there to demand things of, you all have plans that DON'T revolve around her, and if you do not see advance paperwork regarding schedule changes and costs, sd does not attend said activity.

All in a loving way, of course.  I really don't think she should be held accountable.  She should, however, be taught that her mother's behaviour is not the way of the world, without badmouthing her mother.  Tightrope act, that is.

Will you be the bad guys?  Yeah, probably.  You have to decide what's more important...that sd gets what she wants, or that the whole family is happy.

And yes, throw contempt at bm.  It really doesn't matter what she says.  You haven't been consulted, even though you are supposed to be.  DOn't just let her get away with it.

It's too bad sd is in the middle, but saying No to your children is part of being a parent.  What if you and dh were her parents and she wanted to do something on a day or weekend you all had plans?  Would you cancel your plans to accommodate her activities or would you gently remind her you have plans (or inform her of such) and say "Maybe next time, honey"?

Deal with ss's rudeness, then stop calling so often.  I think ss is getting to "the age" where he doesn't need contact with his parents constantly, especially when he's with a parent.

But the rudeness must be addressed, even if it's just to say "I understand if you don't want to talk, but the way you spoke to me is unacceptable."  Ditto if you hear him speaking to his mother in a way that makes you cringe.  I don't like my sds' mother, but I'll not listen to them be disrespectful to her without addressing it.

I'm about 95% sure that parents need to give permission to take their signing authority away from their child's account, and they may even have to transfer the money into a different account under just the child's name.

As a general rule, I don't ask the girls questions about their other household, and we don't have the problem you do.  We tend to let them lead.  It's unfortunate you can't have "normal" conversations, but if you don't ask, you won't get answers like "I forget" and "I don't know".  Takes some of the pressure off the kid.

Hi mango
I'm a lurker on these boards, don't post much (ok, at all) but I wanted to suggest something that might combat the mother's tactics re the kid's time with you and homework:

This could actually work in your favour.  How feasible is it for you to have the kiddo overnight?  My sds are with us approx. 40% of the time, all overnights.  On school mornings, dh drops them off at school on his way to work.  We're 20mins away, as opposed to 40, but is this possible?  if it is, see if you can get it changed, formally or informally, citing a wish to be involved with school as the reason.  :)  If bm is trying to use school to screw things up, perhaps you and your dh could use it to your advantage.  Now, instead of it being intrusive to go to dad's, it's beneficial.  What do you think?

I just haven't heard of that, that's all.

We just request copies of report cards, that's it.  They pretty much tell us everything we want to know, added to the homework we see them do.

First of all, how old is your bf's daughter?

Why do you need bm's financial information in order  to decide whether or not she should be in dance?  Why can you not just discuss it with her, (and by "you", I mean your bf) and decide whether or not she should be in dance?  If bm tries to get bf to pay for most or all of it, and he can't or won't, then there's no dance.  Conversely, if everyone's ok with the child dancing, schedule-wise, but one parent is not willing to pay or provide transportation, the other parent must be willing to shoulder it all, or there is no dance.  That is our situation, and honestly, it works for us.

BM will only pay what she is willing or able to.  Same with bf.  If she says she doesn't want to provide part or all of the funds, you can't come back with "Well, you say you make $X per year, so why not?"  What will that solve?  It'll create a lot of problems.  I think you're making mountain out of a molehill, personally.

"Written request" is up for interpretation, apparently, so CYA as much as possible.  If she doesn't tend to check email in a timely manner, don't email her; just send her letters.

Don't make things more difficult for yourselves than they have to be.

BTW, I'm in Ontario too.  :)

*Is* she suggesting anything?  Or is she just complaining, like our bm does about things, expecting the problems to be solved for her, but not to her satisfaction so that she has something else to complain about?  :P

My sisters and I didn't do activities growing up.  It's too bad, we wish we had, but it was expensive and it was inconvenient.  It's not "just what parents do".  I think the bm in this situation has a legitimate complaint...however, it's a complaint she should've made BEFORE making the commitment.  It would really be a shame to waste a court's time over this, imho.

the issue seems to be that bm won't ask for help in getting the boys to their soccer.

Did bm agree to putting the boys in soccer, or was it simply something she went along with because it's in the order/agreement that each parent would support the boys' activities?  I think I might balk at that clause, because to me it seems like the boys have control.  What if they said they wanted to do all sorts of things, and one parent was all for it and one wasn't?  Suddenly they're going against the agreement.  But maybe that's just me.

But the agreement is what it is, and it doesn't define waht "support" means.  Here's a longshot idea.  Maybe it's hard for bm to transport all the time.  What if your dh offered to do 100% of the transportation, in lieu of the bm maybe contributing a little extra financially to the activity?  Some sort of compromise along those lines.