Messages

nm

I am a mom and a sm.  I've been a sm for 6 years now (officially, that is, we were together for two years prior).

IMO, it's good to hear bm's view of things.  You may not agree, but it's better that she voices it, or writes it down for you, than to hear secondhand from the kids or thirdhand from dh or someone else.  You may decide you can tone down some things, or she may realize she's being irrational in saying you're "trying to be Mom" when you cook their dinner.

Are you custodial?  IF so, it may be just bm lashing out at the resentment she feels because of that, and it's nothing at all to do with you.  You may be just an easy target.  Us sm's are, y'know.  :P

I am a maternal person.  I do what needs to be done to ensure their care and protection while they're under my roof.  I do, however, have boundaries.  I often get/got the awkward questions.  My first response is, have you asked your mom (or your dad, if appropriate) about that?  Sometimes they havent', to which I'll tell them to do so first, then ask me again if they need to.  I just try to figure out how I would react if I were bm, and my kids' sm did x or said y.

If I were "trying to be Mom", I'd have them call me Mom.  I'd probably PAS them against their mom.  I'd make sure I was listed in the Mother spot under their contact info at school, etc.  I wouldn't inform her of parent/teacher conferences, dr's appts, soccer games, dance recitals, etc.  I may not do all these things, but even doing only a couple of them is intrusive on the Mom role that this other woman has a right to (assuming she hasn't forfeited it legally or otherwise).  If our bm came to a meeting with a list of infractions I'd committed that read like this, I'd deserve what I got.  If the list reads like a to-do list for the day - buy groceries, check homework, prepare bath, do laundry - then perhaps bm needs to give her head a shake and decide if she'd rather her kids live with a woman like that or a woman who doesn't give a rat's arse about the kids.

and your company HR apprised of this activity.  They need to know what's going on and "have your backs" in case she gets really ugly.

Is there any way your IT people can stop all external email, or do you need external email for business?  Can they filter it so that only addresses you request are allowed in?

I would do nothing.  If our bm tried to search for me, I'd imagine she'd get pretty bored pretty quickly.

Just think she must feel rather useless, if she's wasting her time trying to find you online.  Guess she must think about you a lot!  That's her problem - not yours.

As for your pics, or anything else you might want to post - just remember, it is the Internet, and anyone can find things they want to find, if they try hard enough.  It can be a total stranger you've never heard of, or it can be your bm.  So just go according to your comfort level with that.

I miss your photos!  Update soon, please!

now she's kinda like a mosquito.  Mostly out of my way, but when she is around she's a PIMA!

However, I just remember I was never married to her and she's not my mother.  I don't deal with her.  Took me five years to answer the phone in my own house when she called.  lol  

We really just stay out of each other's way.  She doesn't engage me, I don't engage her.  It's always been that way, no matter what the voices in her head were telling her at the time.  ;)  

Have you asked him?  Maybe he's uncomfortable doing htat, and would like to find out info but just doesn't know how?

Do *you* have a relationship with her teachers?  Is this something you'd feel comfortable doing on his behalf, if you discussed it with him?

For us, my dh doesn't do that either.  My sd's grades are slipping too, but it's largely due to her behaviour in class, not a lack of understandign of the work.  DH put it back on osd's shoulders.  I'd do things differently if she were my kid, but she's not, so I have to respect what dh wants to do to handle it.

I'm with ya.  I'm 36wks pg, and although my skids are with us 2-3 days out of every week, I have those days too.  I find that warning them that I'm grouchy or not feeling well helps - the vast majority of the time they're sweet girls but when I do warn them of how I'm feeling, *before* I get mad, that seems to help and they stay off my case for the most part.

As far as the kids barging in your room while you're resting, you need to set a boundary there.  They need to know "I'm resting right now, and I need quiet.  If you guys come tearing in here just to tattle, I am going to be upset with BOTH of you.  I will be up again in X minutes and then you can tell me what you need to tell me.  Until then behave yourselves, because I can hear you, and if I do have to get up, like I said, I'll be VERY upset."

That's what works for me.  :)

I keep telling my sd that women pay lots of money to have beautiful hair like hers.  :)

Anyway, this is a battle I wouldn't pick.  I'd say poor judgement on her part, and a desire to be more of a friend than a parent, but is it harmful?  Could be worse.  

As far as your kids/ foster kids, your house, your rules.  SD's mom said it was ok, your kids' mom says it isn't.  That's all there is to it.

She wants 50/50, she will have to claim why it's in the kids' best interests.

Methinks that'll be hard for her to do.

As far as her claims about what you say and do...she has no basis, therefore, I hope she puts that on paper in an official court filing.  And I hope you LYAO, because judges really don't like their time wasted.