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If you don't like doing it, and he doesn't appreciate you doing it, there really is only one option, and that's disengaging.  Let him do it the way he thinks it should be done - and if that means it doesn't GET done, oh well.  It's his deal anyway.  His ex, his kids, his deal.

when I know something that they might not, that will bug them when they know...I say to them "Hey, if there's anything that's bugging you or making you mad, you come tell me about it, ok?"  And sometimes they do.

I don't deal with her directly, ever, at all.  Not even so much as to pick up the phone and take a message if dh or the kids aren't home.  That's what a machine's for.

I figure, a)I was never married to her, b)she's not my mother, and c)she doesn't want to deal with me anyway.  So why should I bother?  The kids know how she feels about me (sadly) so rarely do they ask why I don't talk to Mom.  I mean, I do if I see her in public, but that's just my breeding.  Talking about the kids?  Hell no.  That's dh's job.

nm

And if dad were being reasonable, and thinking about what he would do in the same situation, he may be able to see that as well.

What *would* dad do if sd phoned someone at 5am like that, then backtalked on top of it?

The wrong happened with mom and dad not discussing appropriate punishment.  

1.  Where you live - did she live there before?  If so, she may be feeling like it's still her house, those are her kids, therefore, she can go where she pleases, when she pleases.

2.  She's wrong about what you have the "right" to feel.  You have the right to feel anything you want to.

3.  She still feels superior to you, like you're doing all the wrong, and that she has nothing to apologize for.  Trying to apologize to or reason with a person like that is futile.  Until she can acknowledge that she plays her part in any dissention, there's no point trying to communicate with her.

4.  Your bf needs to set some rules with her.  Unless you and he are both ok with bm dropping by whenever she wants, he needs to have a chat with her about common courtesy re calling before showing up, having set times to come over, etc.  What's good for the goose is good for the gander, and if she won't abide by those boundaries, he should do the same thing to her.  Conversely, if he sets those rules and she follows them, he needs to as well.

She has some points, but she taints them with her "I can feel/do/act/say what and how I desire, but you do not have the same right" approach.  Someone needs to boot her off her gilded throne.

(because I have that kind of relationship with her) why she calls bm's bf Dad.  She said, with a shrug "Ah, it makes him happy."

DH doesn't *like* it (mostly, I think, because this guy is a real jerk who really doesn't deserve to be a dad to his OWN kids), but the kids know who their dad is, they know who their mom is, bottom line.  

I also think kids grow rather resentful, over time, of a parent who forces the child to call someone else mom or dad.

The whole name thing is sticky.  My girls call me by name.  I'm really not comfortable with them calling me Mom.  Some say that telling the kids not to call you Mom is damaging to them, and some say that allowing them to call you Mom is damaging.  Who knows.  I just know I'm not Mom.

BM, on the other hand, and her loser bf, tell the kids to call bf Dad.  I know my dh doesn't like it, but we also know the kids know *who* Dad is and *who* Mom is.  So we don't "correct" them when they slip up and say "Daddy...I mean bf...said..." or the like.  

I know there are COs out there tht do have that "name clause" in them, so yes, I would imagine she can.  You just have to make a judgment call on what is best for the kids, taking into account the fact they have to deal with their mom.

Has he been making comments like "Pretty soon (child) can stay with me overnight" or to that effect?

Have you proposed your idea to him?

is that you can send your letter, let her respond...but if it goes badly, you will probably just have to say "Ah...too bad"...be emotional if you want, but plan your day accordingly.  It is, after all, *your* day.  Not fighting it will take the wind out of her sails.

It will be too bad, and the kids will be upset, but in time they will not only be ok, but they'll see just whose responsibility that whole thing was.

And that's between them and her.

Good luck.  I'll cross my fingers for you.