Messages

>Here's the situation.  A year ago, my ex and her husband
>relocated to Colorado with my two sons 12, 15.  Husband
>originates from Colorado. I fought the relocation which went
>to trial.  Basically came down to a custody battle.  I didn't
>prevail.  Washington law gives a presumption of rights to
>move.  Economics reasons and career were her premise.  In
>reality, the principle motive was control.
>Because of my prior involvement with my boys, I was granted
>liberal visitation: 8 weeks summer, most/shared school breaks
>and three-day weekends (when no break occurs during that
>month).  Travel expenses are split in half.
>I'm missing them terribly despite the move. Current terms are
>not enough for me.  I saw only "two' of their football games.
>They were here, I never missed a practice.
>I'm contemplating a move to CO...but at what risk is the
>question.  The trial totally wiped out available assets sans
>my retirement.
>Ex is extraordinarily obstinate, self-centered, and will fight
>over the least trivial details.
>If I move to Colorado, will I have to negotiate another
>Parenting Plan, Child Support, and grief all over again?  This
>took a year to figure out for the relocation with attorneys.
>Does anyone out there have advice?

My suggestion is to move.  You will probably have to negotiate another parenting plan.  I would get one that says she can't move again.  I don't know if travel costs were considered when calculating child support (IMO, the parent who moves away is the one who should pay all of the costs of visitation), if they were, you may end up paying more.  But I think that you would go by the Colorado guidelines (an attorney could tell you for sure).  Good luck.

I would document this threat.  That is crazy.  If she doesn't want to shovel her own driveway, she could always hire somebody to do it.

>*First, the ncp was wrong for not immediately sending in the
>child support payments when he saw that it wasn't taken out
>of
>his check. He should not have waited for 2 pay periods. *
>
>Maybe you're not aware of this but it sometimes takes a couple
>of pay periods before the payroll department starts
>withholding.  I'd guess that's why he waited until the 2nd
>paycheck to see if CS was being withheld.  Once he realized it
>wasn't coming out he did the right thing by paying it
>immediately.  I think most people would have done the same
>thing.
>

I am very aware that it takes a while to get withholding set up.  My xh had to send in his child support to the probation dept. (which is what most people do so that they don't get in arrears) until it was automatically taken out of his paycheck.  

It doesn't take a rocket scientist to determine if child support had been taken out of the paycheck and to pay it right away instead of waiting until the second paycheck.  

>>Before doing anything, what are you trying to do?
>>
>>I don't think it's terribly harmful for your son to see her
>>making new acquaintences. As long as that's all he sees, why
>>do you think it's hurting him?
>>
>>Your state will vary, but in OK, the judge would laugh at
>you.
>>Screwing around -even if no divorce has been filed- is not a
>>criminal activity, nor can it have any bearing on whether a
>>divorce is granted. It can't even have any bearing on
>custody
>>decisions unless one parent can show that it's harming the
>>children.
>>
>>If she'd doing it in front of the kids, I'd take action -
>but
>>via Child Welfare Services (or whatever it's called in your
>>state). If she's discreet, drop it. It's just not worth the
>>pain and expense it will cause.
>>
>>Things to consider:
>>1. You're going to be dealing with her for many years (at
>>least until your son is 18 and probably much longer). Do you
>>want to do that with a decent relationship or do you want to
>>hate each other?
>>2. You've got the important stuff settled. Why mess it up?
>If
>>you do this, all your agreements go out the window and
>you're
>>going to have an expensive, adversarial battle. To top it
>off,
>>in today's world, even if you convinced the judge that she
>was
>>an evil adulterer, it's not going to change things much.
>>3. Why does it concern you? Your old life is over. Face it.
>>You're either looking for revenge or you're still so hurt
>you
>>can't think straight. Neither excuse is much of a reason for
>>ruining the rest of your life.
>>4. What do you hope to accomplish? If you've already
>settlled
>>custody and financial stuff, what do you expect to get out
>of
>>it. In other words, in what way would your world be better
>if
>>you did it? I can't think of a single thing.
>>5. You didn't mention how old your son is. If he's over
>about
>>4, it will become clear to him that YOU are the aggressor
>>here. Things seem pretty stable here, but you'll be the one
>>shaking them up. Is that the way you want your son to see
>>you?
>>
>>Document everything you wish. If she tries to pull something
>>on you, you can use it. But don't do anything with it except
>>in self-defense.
>
>I guess everything can have a positive spin if worded the
>correct way.
>
>I guess one person's "making new acquaintances" is another
>person's "sleeping around."
>
>And no, I'm not making any assumptions about you personally..I
>just think  that the "spin" you put on this is very important.
>I never said anything about "making new acquaintances." If you
>word it like that, it makes it look a lot less serious than I
>think it is...and makes me look like I' m trying to be super
>controlling or something.
>
>By all means, please have fun, make friends and
>acquaintences...but I just dont think it's appropriate in some
>circumstances to "sleep around"...
>
>Point number 1:
>Thats the trick, jeopardize the current "harmony" over this
>issue or not? Is it a big enough deal? I'm not sure yet.
>
>POint number 2:
>See above...
>
>Point number 3:
>Well, on point number 3, I am going to have to disagree with
>you. I am over her. I could care less if she does the whole
>Chicago Bears Football team on national TV...LOL... What I am
>concerned with, is how it affects my son. Do you really think
>that seeing those kinds of things is healthy for a young
>child?
>That's just not my idea of being a role model. It's also
>against the law. My "world" would be better if I know my son
>is not exposed to behavior like that. I happen to think it's
>the parents responsibility to be a good role model.
>I'm not sure I understand how it would "ruin my world."
>
>Point number 4:
>I can think of a pretty good reason:
>Make sure my son does not see that kind of behavior. (At least
>make her think twice before doing it.)
>
>Point number 5:
>Well, I'm not so sure that he would view me as the "bad guy."
>That sounds rather presumptive to me. I think if you assume
>that mommy is going to try to alienate him from me as a result
>of this, then it's a possibility, but, to be honest, any time
>I do something "she doesn't like," it's a possibility. We have
>equal time with him, so it's not as likely that she could
>alienate him compared to if she had sole custody.
>
>To sum up, I cant help that judges and society don't really
>care about this issue. All I know is I dont really like my son
>getting the idea that sleeping around in this manner is ok.
>
>Sorry, but that's just my opinion.
>
>And yes, I'm sure some judges in some circumstances might
>laugh at that by itself.
>(That doesn't make it right.)
>But, as part of a larger picture, it simply tells a piece of
>the story.
>
>


Dating doesn't mean that she is sleeping around.  I know when I start dating, I have no intention of sleeping with anyone until I know the relationship is a steady one.  

>We are in court Wednesday, becasue BM is PO'd and claims
>"failure/refusal" to pay CS.  The facts, BF got a new job and
>waited 2 pay periods to see if the withholding order would go
>back into effect, when it hadn't BF paid all Support in full
>and current and remains so.  She claimes she was without for 6
>weeks, the facts again: she got all money 2 weeks PRIOR to her
>filing and was paid ahead at the time BF changed jobs.  No
>malice at all on BF part, we expected to continue on as we had
>for the previous 5 years with a WH order.
>
>BM gets held in contempt and ordered to pay our attorney's
>fees within 90 days or an immediate judgement in favor of our
>attorney firm will result.  Guess what?  She never paid it all
>and got the judgement, got a court date to show up for wage
>with holding, and she nor her attorney show up!  Got another
>court date in fall, but she now says if we FORGIVE her failure
>to pay her arrears, she will drop the CS petion!  So she wants
>us to over ride a judges order and forgive her and allow her
>to not pay the outstanding attorney's fees that the court
>ordered her to pay, her failure to show up in court and in the
>mean time we have 3-4 more billable hours in preparation and
>court time that she wants to not have to pay?  Who is the one
>at fault here?  What was willful?  Additionally BM has several
>other actions against her for failure to pay her Credit cards
>and once she was backed into a corner she pays them in full at
>the last minute, the last one was in excess of 10K after her
>filing on us that she "can not afford to bring the action to
>court "and asked the court to award her attroney's fees.
>Again, the facts, claims she is poverty stricken, gets CS
>routinly and pays off a debt in excess of 10K after she
>files............
>
>Thanks for letting me vent.............I hope the court system
>can see through this BS when we go to court.
>
>

First, the ncp was wrong for not immediately sending in the child support payments when he saw that it wasn't taken out of his check.  He should not have waited for 2 pay periods.  

Second, who did he send the payments to?  The mother or the probation department (or whatever agency handles the collection of child support)?  If there is a question as to the mother's honesty, always send the payment in to the agency.  And if you do give it directly to the mother, get a receipt.  

Although a receipt really doesn't mean anything.  I gave my ex one and the probation dept. sent me a form that I had to sign and have notarized stating that I did receive the payment.  I don't know what they would have done had I refused to do that as I signed it and sent it back.