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Amy first of all I just wanted to give you a big hug and let you know I miss hearing from you on the boards!! (((AMY))))

Secondly, I don't really know what to say to all this - I wish I had something useful to offer but I really don't. It's so the reverse of everything I've ever really dealt with. I do know a thing or two about kids and grief, tho, and unfortunately all I can say about that is you are absolutely right about how wrong it is of his Dad to do this now, of all times, like it's EVER right.

So I don't know. See how it plays out. And see what your counselor advises. Take some time with it. Of course, that puts you in the position of having to make up an excuse for him, but really I would just go with "I don't know why Dad couldn't make it this weekend" and see if maybe there is some change before the next go round. And yes he is an asshole.

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First of all, I think you all need to get an atty who specializes in adoption. If your friends want to adopt the child, they should help out with this (it will be cheaper than, say, adopting a newborn).

The basic process is this - you get a consent for adoption drawn up that states who wants to adopt the child. Then you go find the father and ask him to sign voluntarily. If he does sign (and it has to be notarized and worded exactly the way the law specifies, so you can't just have him sign an affidavit or a statement or whatever - you should pay to have the proper paperwork drawn up), then you have to proceed to an adoption hearing which, since this is a stranger adoption (non relative) will first have background checks, social services visits etc with the family that wants the adoption.

If you can't find him or he won't agree, then the lawyer will have to go to court on behalf of the child to terminate rights based on abandonment (failure to provide support or to contact the child within a set amt of time - 6 months - 18 months, depending on the state). This is expensive and it would be nice to avoid it if you can. There will be a termination hearing at which you essentially have to PROVE that he abandoned the child. He will, if he is around, be appointed a lawyer who will defend his rights to his child. Then the judge decides. At any time during this process, the father can still just sign the agreement, of course.

THEN once the rights are terminated, you go on to the bit about social services, background checks etc and then the adoption. You have to have all the necessary legal paperwork in order, of course - originals not photocopies - birth certificate for the child, guardianship papers of your SD, marriage certificate of the adopting family, death certificate of your SD (so sorry about that), "true copies" copies of his arson conviction, relevant medical records and it helps to give your lawyer a timeline of all the legal (and personal, such as attempts to find or contact the father) events  since the child's birth -   etc.

If you can present some compelling evidence about the problems, then that might help. Problem is that if you can't agree which house should have primary residential, then 50-50 really IS the best option. So, what are the problems? Mediation for us did work out (but we never had 50-50 . . in fct, that would have been a dream come true when we were NCP) because we made concessions to let BM feel like she was "winning" something. I.E. after much debate we agreed to do all transportation (something that didn't really matter to us, but we let her think it did and was a huge inconvenience) in exchange for concessions from her. Maybe there's a way to restructure the schedule for 50-50 that addresses whatever problems it is you are having.

So don't forget that. the main thing he has the right to do is go to court over this (and I am sure there is still a CS order against him, which he MUST pay - and he should complete that evaluation, also, although since she's moved it might seem like a moot point, it's not. This is the moment to let the evaluator know she's disappeared.). I know it's a sucky situation. The first thing is to try to figure out where they are - family, friends, etc. Someone will know and you'd be surprised who might be sympathetic. Then I am afraid you might have to get a lawyer. It all costs money - that's the worst part. But there are laws about move aways and disappearing with kids (in Louisiana, which is our state, you can't legally move outside the court's jurisdiction if you are CP and don't have permission . . . )

and hugs to you both - this is all very painful.

I would think, just based on our experience, that one reason these kinds of cases don't come up is because in the vast majority of situations where this happens the NCP already has huge legal bills just trying to fight for visitation etc - and simply can't add to that debt with a civil suit he or she might not win. And then there is also the very real fear that added pressure like this would simply cause your ex and kids to disappear entirely or at the very least, heighten conflict beyond recovery. And what would you really win if you won a settlement (made up largely of your own CS or alimony money anyway) but really did lose your kids? Anyway, it depends on the state. In our state (louisiana), parents who disappear with children can be sent to jail, heavily fined or lose custody entirely - all within the perogative of the judge deciding divorce, custody and visitation issues. Not that they ALL get punished, but the judges do enforce that stuff often enough that I am satisfied.

Only you know what is really important to you in this . . . if your interest is making sure you have the time you want with your kids, and you have basically agreed on that, then I wouldn't push this. I might bring it up to her, personally, tho and just ask her to keep her "dating" to those nights/days when the kids are with you - and if you think it might work, you could tell her about this law and that you are considering suing her under that law if she can't do a better job of protecting the kids from witnessing that behavior. Unless she's having sex with multiple men in front of your kids, tho, there really isn't much you could do about this.

One thing to think about is that suing over this would cost money, which you might want for other things (plus it will cost your STBX money that could otherwise help support the kids), AND it will take a long time, so it could take as long to get this to court as it will to get your divorce finalized, and you have no guarantee that you'll achieve much, other than money spent and increased conflict (which will ultimately impact your kids.)

But one of the harsh realities of divorce is that you really can not control what the other party does . . . . sometimes you can get wording in the court order that will help (like "no unrelated members of the opposite sex may spend the night while the kids are in the house") but otherwise, as tough as it is, you won't have much say. Now might be a good time to find ways to talk about your concerns, rather than go to court.

Your local clerk of court can be a great resource for information, actually - especially in providing you with forms etc. Some states have great resources, others do not - I'd go pver to the court one day and see what you can learn. It is possible to do this pro se (that is, without a lawyer) but it's very hard to protect your rights adequately - if it's at all within your means, you should get a lawyer. Sometimes local universities have legal clinics that will help at a reduced rate. You need to try to get access to a law library or at least to all the state statutes related to divorce, custody and visitation so you know at least what you are dealing with (like in our state, you can't even file for divorce for a year if there are minor kids involved). I'd keep a log of every effort you make to contact them kids, every dime you send her or give to someone to give to them, while you consider what to do. Make sure you have certified copies of any and all legal papers that already exist - like the judge dismissing the requested PO.

Also, not sure what you mean by "SW" here - usually that means Second Wife. If she is your second wife and has taken the children from your first marriage, she'd have to have adopted them to be legally able to keep them with her.

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