My step daughter whom we have had 50/50 shared parenting for 9 years, and prior to that my husband was her sole caregiver, as mom had other things to do with her life. When we got married, the bio-mom came back around to gain legal custody, and being the mom, although previously uninvolved she was able to gain 50/50.
During those years she has been working hard on destroying the relationships with my SD and her entire fathers side. Grandparents, cousins, neighbors, half-siblings. Intense PAS. It's been difficulat on us all.
We have been in court numerous times with mom trying to sue for sole (at least 5 rounds of battles) Everything from attempts to move out of state, to claiming we are neglectful, to SD not being happy. (None of which she was successful) This last battle the courts flat out told her they will never-ever give her sole. Through all this we have not counter filed for sole (except when she moved her out of state, which she had to move back or the court was going to give her to dad), we primarily fought to keep 50/50 in place.
But the PAS has gone to the extreme, SD (who is now turning 13) has told daddy she no longer wants to see us. She had a long-list of reasons. Her mom always fills her mind with dreadful things about us, and she apparently believes it all. We are a normal every-day family of 6, (no drugs, no abuse, no criminal records, just average folks) and she is not "the" only child in our home, so yes, it is different then at moms, where she is the only one. But it's no reason to condemn us. But one of her main reasons was that she just wants the "fighting" to stop. But she doesn't realize all the fighting isinitiated by her mom. We do not start the court battles, her mom does. In fact, we never even speak of her mom in our home. But her mom slams us every chance.
Anyways, now that it is HER stating flat-out how miserable she is, and how she doesn't want to see us or her siblings, etc. my hubby is seriously considering letting it go. This custody stuff has emotionally and financially crippled our entire family for 9 years running.
It has been so much work fighting to have her in our life and to keep her happy. We all walk on egg-shells to make sure she is happy in our home, and nothing seems to work. The PAS is too impactful and even with strong counseling it gets worse each year.
I know it seems like a cop-out to let go, but for our sanity, and from what it seems we are "torturing her" by making her continue to see us. If we stop seeing her maybe all the hatred she deals (daily) with will dissipate and she can live a normal life... Or ...maybe we should fight to get sole and save her from the mental abuse.
I wish I knew the "right thing" to do....
The ball sort of is (legally) is in our court right now. The old GAL we had (last battle), and the appointed counselor stated (confidentally) that we should counter file for sole. And that she should be with dad cause mom was mentally abusive. Still very hard to prove, and it would still be a long and hard to get actual courts to switch to sole, as it would be a school change too. And if she doesn't want to be with us, what is the point. SD stated she wants the fighting to stop, and going for sole would only make her mom more venomous and make the whole situation hotter.
Any thoughts or advice.....
During those years she has been working hard on destroying the relationships with my SD and her entire fathers side. Grandparents, cousins, neighbors, half-siblings. Intense PAS. It's been difficulat on us all.
We have been in court numerous times with mom trying to sue for sole (at least 5 rounds of battles) Everything from attempts to move out of state, to claiming we are neglectful, to SD not being happy. (None of which she was successful) This last battle the courts flat out told her they will never-ever give her sole. Through all this we have not counter filed for sole (except when she moved her out of state, which she had to move back or the court was going to give her to dad), we primarily fought to keep 50/50 in place.
But the PAS has gone to the extreme, SD (who is now turning 13) has told daddy she no longer wants to see us. She had a long-list of reasons. Her mom always fills her mind with dreadful things about us, and she apparently believes it all. We are a normal every-day family of 6, (no drugs, no abuse, no criminal records, just average folks) and she is not "the" only child in our home, so yes, it is different then at moms, where she is the only one. But it's no reason to condemn us. But one of her main reasons was that she just wants the "fighting" to stop. But she doesn't realize all the fighting isinitiated by her mom. We do not start the court battles, her mom does. In fact, we never even speak of her mom in our home. But her mom slams us every chance.
Anyways, now that it is HER stating flat-out how miserable she is, and how she doesn't want to see us or her siblings, etc. my hubby is seriously considering letting it go. This custody stuff has emotionally and financially crippled our entire family for 9 years running.
It has been so much work fighting to have her in our life and to keep her happy. We all walk on egg-shells to make sure she is happy in our home, and nothing seems to work. The PAS is too impactful and even with strong counseling it gets worse each year.
I know it seems like a cop-out to let go, but for our sanity, and from what it seems we are "torturing her" by making her continue to see us. If we stop seeing her maybe all the hatred she deals (daily) with will dissipate and she can live a normal life... Or ...maybe we should fight to get sole and save her from the mental abuse.
I wish I knew the "right thing" to do....
The ball sort of is (legally) is in our court right now. The old GAL we had (last battle), and the appointed counselor stated (confidentally) that we should counter file for sole. And that she should be with dad cause mom was mentally abusive. Still very hard to prove, and it would still be a long and hard to get actual courts to switch to sole, as it would be a school change too. And if she doesn't want to be with us, what is the point. SD stated she wants the fighting to stop, and going for sole would only make her mom more venomous and make the whole situation hotter.
Any thoughts or advice.....