Topics

I am so tired of dealing with SD and BM. It has been a long hard 12 years. SD is now 16 , flunking school, doing drugs, drinking and having sex. Her mother sanctioned her missing over 20 days of school.

DH got a call out of the blue tonight from SD. We thought it had something to do with a package that DH sent her that they had made 3 delivery attempts. Nope. It was 30 minutes of chatting about movies and laughing then the bombshell. "I don't want to see you this summer".

Damn. It was going so well. DH blew up. He told her she wasn't mature enough with all the drinking, drugs and flunking she is doing to make decisions like that. It turned into a fight.

She said that her mom could take her to the airport but she didn't have to get on the plane. Double Damn. She figured it out. DH said he would fly down there and put her on the plane himself. She had all the excuses in the world. "I want to work, I want to be with my mom...."

I'm tired. Our money has gone to this girl. I think about ways to help her constantly. I just want to fix my house and have a family of my own.

We have 2 years left, assuming SD graduates highschool. Maybe then I can have what I deserve. I love her and I still worry about her but it is becoming really difficult. It seems like she is becoming her mom. Sad.

I would love any advice. I don't think there is any out there except to keep busy and keep letting her know we love her.

Sorry about the whining. I know there is much more difficult things in this world to deal with.

Ref

I swear I can't wait for all of this to end. BM is crazy and DH has just given up. SD is doing horribly and I just can't take it anymore.

DH didn't do anything for VD with SD. He is so upset that she hasn't returned his calls that he is no longer calling her until he calls her back. Through all of this drama with having a medical condition, she hasn't called him. He left her messages and even sent her a gift. She never called to thatnk him. He asked BM several times to have SD call him, to no avail. SD Bday is in 10 days. He hasn't even gotten tickets to see her. He makes me nuts. He is just cowering away at the last minute.

BM was talking with him regularly about medical issues. She would tack on issues SD was having in school and SD's attitude. Now that SD is no longer having "major" medical issues, she is back to just telling him of the bills that are coming up.

SD is flunking school. She is making up medical issues (headaches, stomache aches....) so that she can miss class. I know she is doing drugs and drinking and BM will not do a damned thing about it. She may have to go to summer school. I am all about tough love with this girl. She needs to get her S### straight or she isn't going to college, and she thinks she will just charm her way in......

I am so afraid the DH will just give up. I understand that he has had it with them. I completly can't blame him. All I know was SD is acting the same as I did growing up. I pushed my dad away and when I was her age, I needed him and he was too hurt to even talk to me. I just wish he could have been a little stonger and seen through what I was going through. It would have saved me a lot of issues. I even asked my dad if I could live with him and he never returned my call.

Anyway, sorry about the vent.

Ref

I started writing this post and I realized I could go on forever. So this is an abreviated vent.

BM has been talking to DH about SD for the past month or so. Very cordial and surreal. SD was diagnosed with a disease called PCOS, but it is now reversed. BM has also been upset at SD's complete disrespect and her aweful grades.

DH called BM tonight to talk with her about PCOS. BM went off on how the school was being mean because SD took off 16 days of school and is now truant. BM said they were excused because she knew about them. She allows SD to miss school because she has a headache or is tired. There is no structure. SD has been raised like this so she doesn't understand the importance of simply going to school.

My poor DH. He sits there listening to BM complain about the monster she created. He nearly bites his tongue off keeping from yelling at her "what did you expect? You never gave her a curfew. You never made her go to school. You never taught her to respect adults. All of this comes as a suprize?"

I think he should try to keep these conversations going. They make him crazy though. SD hasn't talked to him in a month. He isn't persitant with her though. He calls her and leaves a message (BM allows her to screen calls from him and has since she was little). If SD doesn't call him back, he wont call her again.

Any advice on dealing with BM who has no idea about how SD got her aweful habits? How about dealing LD with a teen that doesn't feel like talking to her dad on the phone.

Thanks
Ref

For those of you not following my old posts, about 10 days ago SD was disgnosed woth PCOS. It is basically ovarian cysts that end up effecting  hormones and insulin levels. It seems that this will change her life.

In the past SD has been NICER to us when it is present time. Christmas went well, birthdays are no problem. This year she sent DH a letter stating that he owed her because BM pays for almost all of her clothes and she sent a catalog with the letter highlighting all the items that she thought he owed her (including a bed set for her mom's house). DH has supported her financially over 100% for the first 13 years of her life. BM has held jobs for maybe 2-3 years total. Needless to say, this letter really changed the way he felt about her.

Flash forward to post diagnosis. BM called DH and left him a message saying it was about SD. He called back the next day. She told him about the diagnosis and that she was going in for further testing. He called Sd and left a message on her machine asking her to call him back, so they can talk. BM emailed him telling him that she had another appointment etc etc. He sent her one back thanking her for communicating with him (she never contacted him over the past 13 years when SD was ill) and asking some questions. He also mentioned that Sd hasn't called him back and asked that she ask SD to do so.  BM has not yet read her email. DH sent SD a pair of PJs and a letter saying that he was thinking about her and loves her. She received that on Wednesday. We have not hear a word from SD.

It is so complicated. DH is completely confused why BM contacted him, in the first place and was so nice (for her). It is so amazingly out of character.  She never gave him the respect of considering him a parent.  He is really confounded. Also, he has heard nothing from SD. As she has gotten older, she has called less and less. It used to happen when there was a court date coming, but now it is all the time. BM has always (since SD was 8 or so) allowed Sd to screen calls from DH and never told her to call him back. He feels she just calls him when she wants something or when it is present time.

The question is, is this being a normal teen? He was so hurt by the letter demanding him to pay for her stuff, he thinks she is like her mom and is just using him. How can he tell the difference? What do you think he should do about contacting her? Should he keep calling or just wait for her to come to him?

Everything is so muddied up. SD is going through a hard time right now. BM is a lunatic. SD is a teen. SD has been PASed for years and years. It is so hard to figure out even if there is a problem with DH or if it is all normal stuff.

Thanks for letting me vent.
Ref

Over the past 13 years I have known her, when BM calls and says she wants to talk about SD to DH, it turns into some long list of why he is an a$$hole and how he doesn't care about SD. It is total crap. He cares for her enough to sometimes tell SD "no" and that is something BM just can't do. Most of these calls have been since she was 11 and wanted to only see Dh for 9 days in the summer, atleast that is what BM was claiming. They usually are about some decision SD made that BM is standing by her.

BM calls last night and left a message on our machine asking for DH to call her back and it was about SD. I fell for it again. I started worrying if SD is ok (BM never lets us know if SD is sick or went to the Dr.). I starting thinking about pregnancy (she hasn't had her period in several months and just went to the Dr about it) or major illness.

DH rolls his eyes and tells me that this is the same as in the past and not to worry. I couldn't help but worry all night last night. He will be contacting BM tonight about it and I know I will be on edge all day.

Why do I buy it every time? I hope DH is right, but I always worry....

Ref

Can BM refuse to allow DH communicate with SD on SD's cell? He has put $ on the prepaid phone but BM still doesn't want him to contact Sd. He only calls/texts when SD is traveling from Florida to PA or back. BM left a message on his cellphone saying that she intentionally changed sd's # to keep him from knowing it.

The judge ordered that DH & PBFH communicate through email. BM sent an email saying that she is only willing to check hers every week or every other week. Can she do this?

Any advice? I really can think of anyway to deal with this stuff. 850 days to go!!!!

Ref

Any advice?

Sd is coming ot our home tomorrow and I need to have another "discussion" with her. I am so sick of it. It seems like everytime Dh or I spend time with her some issue needs to be resolved. I honestly don't know if it is her being a drama junkie like her mom or if it is her being a teen.

Anyway, on Thanksgiving morning BM called our home to complain about silly crap. Some of it was her telling me that it was upsetting to Sd that I made her call me "Mom". I NEVER did that! I always thought it was inappropriate in our sitiuation and made it a point to raise Sd that way for the past 10 years. The way BM recounted the story Sd told her, I believe that Sd lied to BM.

Sd also told me that BM has considered Dh and I married for years. We have been together for 12 years, but just married last year. On Thanksgiving BM said that that wasn't true and that I was not SD's family until last year.

Years ago SD also told BM that I hit her. The story was that she misbehaved and I punished her by waking her up with a nap with a spanking. Sd admitted that that didn't happen, but her excuse was that she must have dreamt it happened.

It used to be that Sd and I would chat on IM for hours. One night Dh was out of town and SD and I were Iming. She knew it was me. When we were done BM called asking for DH. I told her that DH was out of town and BM called me a liar because SD told her she had been IMing him. SD said that she was confused because she was sick and mispoke.

Anyway, Sd is always lying to make me look bad to BM or to make BM look good to me. I know SD gets the stink-eye if she contacts me at all or talks about me.

I need advice on what to say to her. I want her to stop being so afraid of her mom and stop feeling the need to defend her mom. In the least, I need to tell her it is unacceptable to lie.

What do you got?

Ref

I was such good councel to my DH last night.

Background:

BM & SD live in FL and we live in PA. SD is flying up according to Parenting Agreement, 1 hour after school until 6pm the last day before the holiday break. SD gets out of school on a half day on Thursday (today).

When we went to court last time BM attempted to get it in the PA that all flights must be midday. It is stated explicitly in her filing. The judge did not see grounds for that and it was dismissed.

BM also requested that no flights are to be the last flight or the first flight of the day. Seems obvious that the only option she is trying to give DH is midday.

In October BM wrote DH a letter telling him that she is making holiday plans and that SD should be up with us between 12/22 and 12/30. Fair enough. Dh will miss a half day w/ SD but most of it will be sleeping time anyway, so no biggie. DH agrees that that is fine.

DH books flights about 3 weeks ago. He has SD fly through Charlotte if at all possible because she is flying on her own now and went through there alot when she was an unaccompanied minor. The other major choice is Atlanta which, if you fly alot, you know is huge and hard to negotiate for many adults.

He books the flight midday (11am) out of Florida and landing at 3:30 in PA. Ofcourse I called it. BM just started working at the age of 39. She is so proud of working for over a year straight! I knew she would use this as an opportunity to brag about her career, although it really isn't anything to brag about.

DH emailed the itinerary as the judge ordered they communicate through email. A week later BM opened the email and responded the next day. She flipped out about how she now has to work and needs information sooner to accomidate his "requests". She complained that Midday is not convenienet and how she needs for him to consider her job. It was ranting and annoying.

Dh replied immediately stating that he believed based on her filing in court that she wanted midday and that she picked the 22nd. He stated that he was trying to accomodate her requests and because the airport SD flies out of is so small, there are very few options other that midday, if she is requesting it not be the first or last flight of the day.

He stated that he emailed her a week earlier and had not gotten a response and that he tried to give her plenty of notice. He said that sometimes the flights will have to be inconvenient to one or more of them if they can't be the first or last of the day.

Well, when he sent the email, the server must have sent it twice, so BM got two identical emails. We've had this problem before but most sane people recognize it and delete the duplicate. No biggie right?

A few days later BM responds with an email telling him that she just got the email because she doesn't check it often (every week or two). She said she never requested midday (how come it says it on the filing?) and she never requested the 22nd (how come it says it in her Oct letter?). She said that he should have asked her a couple weeks prior to ordering the tickets if the times were ok. She also said that there are plenty of flights out of her airport. (She never flies EVER).

She also sent a reply from the duplicate saying "One is enough!". Ugh

DH was furious. Especially with the stupid one line reply. He wanted to email her back telling her she was being immature and this is not the way to communicate. I calmed him down and told him not to send an email back. He wanted to because she was so obnoxious. I told him that he wasn't going to change her and that by replying he was only guarenteeing that she will keep this useless conversation going. He calmed down and agreed that he would just "hang-up" on her and not respond.

I am so proud because I really wanted to ream her out. SELF CONTROL RULES!

Ref

My sister is getting married overseas this year. Her date is the 18th of May. SD's last day of school is May 24th. SD has been ungrateful and rude, but I still hate to think she wouldn't be able to go to Europe on a family trip because she is a bratty teen. I really think she needs to understand what family is more.

DH legally only has SD for summer 2 weeks after school lets out, so this is outside his parenting time and SD would have to miss the last week of school. Her grades are crappy right now too.

I am leaning towards telling her we will have to vacation another time together and she will have to miss my sister's wedding. Part of me says that we offer her an incentive. If she gets her grades up by a certain time, we will let her come as long as BM agrees. Chances are BM will not agree, but letting it be on her mom that she couldn't go would be better than feeling of being left out of my family.

I know if Dh doesn't make the request BM will make a big deal to SD about how she is not included in my family functions. (My brother got married a couple of years ago and the same thing came up).


What do you think?

Ref

Here goes...

I answered the phone on Thanksgiving when I thought it was SD. It was BM. She asked for DH as usual. He was shaving so I asked that he call her back. She huffed and puffed. I asked if it was an emergency and she said no but she had some things to talk to me about. UHOH...

A little background. I have had 2 conversations in 12 years up until this point with her. The first when I first met her and she was drunk (about 11 years ago)and the second when SD told BM that I spanked her 4 years earlier and BM believed it (SD was 10 when she said I spanked her when she was 6).

She accused me of trying to be SD's mom. She will not allow me any contact with SD when she is at her house. No letters no phone no IM no internet webpage no email. She throws out any letters and has blocked electronic communication. SD is with BM 75% of the time. I insisted SD call me SM of the past 10 years out of respect for BM and the fact that I am WAY too young to have a kid her age.(joke). DH and I only married legally last year but we were together since SD was 5.  SD seemed easier for her to handle and not as offensive to her mom as her calling me mom.

Anyway, BM said I called myself Mom to SD.  I explained that she has always call me SM here and by my first name when she went back down to her home.

She accused me of being around too much when DH had visitation. I have always made it a point, for the benefit of Sd and DH and as a way for me to run away from family life, to give them their space. SD always insists that I come along on trips when I ask if she wants to spend time alone with DH.  I could care less. More time for me to do what I want when they are off on their own.

I do ALWAYS go to Florida when visitation is there. It wasn't always the case, but BM lies about everything, so it is as a witness I go. I would be fine to go off on my own while I was there if the 2 of them want to have time alone. I really could care less. Sd always wants me around.

She accused me of helping DH with the court case that they just went through. I said "I AM his wife". I said "oh the bogus contempt charges you filed?" She said "they weren't bogus". I said "they were and that is why the judge threw them out". She had no other arguement there. She said "I don't make stuff up" I replied "I don't believe you". She said "I don't lie" and I replied "I don't believe you". She said "I don't manipulate" and I again replied "I don't believe you". She had nothing left to say on that.

Then she accused me of getting in the middle with serious conversations Dh has had with SD. She says Sd doesn't like it.  I would be a little shocked if that were at all true. Lately Sd is repeating accusation he mom says to Dh which are infuriating. Sd should know better. Accusations like he spend her CS on our wedding (he has never EVER missed a payment in the 12 years he has been paying). How inflamitory is that? If I wasn't there to step in, Dh might have said all sorts of things about BM lying and he might get carried away and give SD a little more truth than she should hear. DH sent Sd back to Florida a week early this summer so that she had more time with her friends. We booked our honeymoon to be right after. (I wanted to fly out the same day but DH was concerned that there might be a problem with SD's flight and wanted to wait an extra day). Sd accused him of sending her home early not as a favor but because of our honeymoon. At the court hearing BM's attorney made the same accusation... Wonder where both of them got that idea from??? I think with those accusation I act as a buffer and it benefits SD to have me there.

DH was done shaving so I told BM I had to go. I asked if DH could call SD at their apt or if they were not going to be there. She said they wouldn't be there but she wouldn't talk to me about it. I said OK that I would hand her over to DH. I told her that we had to leave though and not to start anything. Wow did that hit a spot. I already had the phone passed to DH but she was screaming and yelling. Yikes! I don't know what she said but I am sure it wasn't nice.

She accused Dh of innundating SD's teachers with emails. DH just sent out emails on progress reports for SD. She is bombing 3 of her classes and he wanted to see if there was anything he could do to help. He has sent the teachers 4 emails this year. One for each progress report and one each thanking them for their response. She accused him of telling Sd's teachers that they should give SD more work. This was a twist in him offering to help SD with any extracredit when she comes up this winter, if it will help her grades. BM said "she is struggling enough!!!" (Always the protector of SD against evil DH....sigh). SD only handed in 65% of her homework and flunked 2 quizes in her worst class. Even if she got 100% on the homework, she would flunk and it has nothing to do with struggling.

I tell you, that woman is nuts. She was screaming and yelling and throwing in zingers. She acted like a child. Neither Dh nor I raised our voices. We were as cordial as possible. She said "you talk just like DH". Good. That means I am rational and reasonable.

The thing about this discussion I had with her was, it was fine. It was actually very theraputic for me. After all these years helplessly listening to her beating up everything DH does, hearing her screaming over the phone when Dh has kept his cool, reading the attacking letters she sends him, it kinda felt good. It was easy to standup for myself because I was honest and I have always put the needs of SD above myself and no matter what accusation she could make, I knew the truth and I knew the truth ment nothing to her anyway.

Thanks for letting me vent and I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving.

PS. SD never called DH. We had to settle leaving a voicemail on SD's phone.

Ref

First of all, thank all of you for helping me keep somewhat sane through all of this.

To recap, DH lost his job in Oct 05 and was unemployed for 4 months. He filed for a reduction in support to keep from arrearages. BM turned around and sued him for 2 counts of contempt and modification of visitation.

Yesterday was court, one year later. BM lost both counts of contempt, the judge didn't even look at the modification of visitation because there was no substantial chage from the year before.

DH was awarded 4 months of reduced support to be spread throughout the remaining payments. The judge ordered both parents to go through co-parenting classes (that pissed off BM but DH could care less). The judge also ordered all correspondence be done through email so there is a written record of conversation between them. This was done because DH presented the stack of certified letters and testified to her blocking all communication including emails.

That is the story in a nutshell. There were way more fun tidbits to share.
Ok I'll tell you one. BM sued DH trying to get $ for the cost of the ticket for the flight that he didn't send SD back on and make-up time. BM wrote in a letter that she deducted it from the sanction that was imposed on her by their judge last time. She also wrote a letter saying that she was taking Thanksgiving as her make-up time. Apparently she didn't inform her attorney of this because her attorney looked like she was going to kill BM when she was presented with those letters. HEHEHE!

Oh so many stories to tell......

Thanks again everything and SPARC!

Jen

Hey guys. The big court case is Monday. I am really nervous although DH's attorney seems to think we have it in the bag.

One of the things I am excited about it that once it is over SD will have time to heal and maybe seeing that her mom has lost AGAIN will realize that it isn't the court system that is messed up in this case, but her mom.

It is DH's Bday today and I am doubting very much that SD will bother calling. We haven't talked to her since labor day :-( .

Thanks for all of your help and keep your fingers crossed!

Ref

How bout this one.

SD is not talking to DH. It has been almost a month since she spoke with him. First gripe is that he looked on her myspace and found that she was smoking weed and drinking. Second gripe is that his paperwork was in at the school for emergency pick-up but her mom's wasn't. Now she is mad because Dh has to get his CS reduced because he lost his job.

BM isn't talking to him because he is the jerk that put in all the papers into the school that a parent shouldn't and she didn't and she looks bad to the school now. She is also mad because court is in 26 days.

DH received 2 emails from 2 separate teachers at SD's school saying that she is bombing her classes. She isn't doing her homework and she is cheating and talking in class.

DH sent emails back to teachers telling them it saddens him that this is happening  and wishes he could do something but he can not help his daughter becuase of contensious relationship with BM. He asked that they contact BM directly to let her know what is going on.

How would you recommend DH brings this issue up with BM? She obviously flips out when DH shows active participation or even interest in SD.

You guys are the bestist!

Ref

I'm getting pretty stressed right now. 15 yo SD isn't talking to DH and Dh has a CS mod (reduction) and BM's counter visitation mod/contempt court case at the end of this month.

We are well prepared for the court hearing. From the looks of it, DH will get a reduction in CS, no reduction in visitation and the contempts should be blown-off.

I am getting a good amount of exercise and trying to get sleep even though i suffer from insomnia, but I still feel my shoulders at my ears and I am preoccupied with all of this.

Any advice from the experts (you guys)?

Thanks
Ref

It gets so aggrivating! DH has not called SD since labor day weekend. BM is attempting to PAS SD and there is a court date set up in October that will undoubtably provide fodder for BM.

SD got horrible grades last quarter, so I sent emails OBO my husband to all her teachers asking for progress reports this past period. Only a few responded. No follow-up was done. No thatnk you to the teachers who provided the info and no second requests from those who didn't respond.

I know he is busy, but so am I. I know it is harder for him emotionally, but damn it, it is HIS KID! BM doesn't bother helping with SD school. DH can't do much because of distance, but he can keep aprized of what is going on with her grades.

Then, when I suggest that he does something, like call her teacher or send an email, he gets upset with me because he is too busy. GGRRRRR. He thanks me when I do his secretarial work, but if I suggest he takes steps on his own, he gets all worked up.

I love him, but WTH?

Ref

Ugh! Ever since Sd was a tot, BM called after her summer time with us complaining about how DH parents and trivial issues. It is like clockwork. As SD has gotten older, she makes the calls and uses words that her mom uses. It is so sad. BM has her brainwashed.

She did the same this year. Two weeks after she went back, SD called complaining about Dh filing for decrease in support, not spending our wedding money on keeping CS at the same level, suing her mom (her mom is suing him) and him spying on her myspace (she was busted for admitting to smoking pot and drinking on her page by us).

We have always said, court and child support is between DH and you mom. These are things you shouldn't worry about. Unfortunately, BM has not followed those rules. I couldn't take it anymore. I had to tell her what was really going on.

SD was mad because DH's name was on the pick-up slip at school and BM's wasn't. I told her that it was because BM told the school DH couldn't have grades or anything, that DH was able to ask them to put his name on all the documents for emergency not to take off BM's, but in addition. I told her about her mom writing this to a letter to the judge. I told her that her mom was suing Dh not the other way around. I told her it concerned us that her mom lived off of HER child support for 10 years to go to school rather than help support her, taking food out of her mouth....I told her her mom now has to take some financial responsibility for her because now she got a job and DH couldn't get one that makes as much after his company closed its doors.

Her mom told her that they would have moved out of the section 8 housing this year (after 11 years) and get a house, but DH made her spend her money on a lawyer. I told Sd that wasn't true. I saw her finances (through court docs) and know she never had $ saved. She said that her mom got screwed when Dh filed for increase of visitation. (He had about 4 weeks a year and after mediation ended up with the county's standard visitation). I told her that noone walks away from court happy. Both feel like they lost, most of the time. DH got what anyone else was entitled to. How is that screwing BM? BM only allowed 4 weeks and it is hardly enough to allow SD to take trips and get to know her family.

I never bad mouthed her mom as a person, but I was as honest as ever about what was going on. Maybe this was the wrong thing to do, I don't know. All I know is that BM was ruining SD's life by taking ALL of her family, except her, and manipulateing her to believe that DH, the one who IS looking out for their daughter, is the a$$hole.

I'm holding my breath for PBFH's response. I know I will probably get blasted, but after 12 years of this pounding by her mom, I couldn't take it anymore and it seemed more harmful for SD to keep quiet. I guess time will tell.

Ref

The plan was to mail out printout's of SD's and her friend's pages showing her talking about getting drunk and putting on them how BM can get to the page (she is computer disabled). Then call her and talk to her about it.

A new problem arose. SD and most friends with this stuff switched their page so that no conversations can be seen anymore, past or future. One friend still has a comment by SD admitting to it, but SD says a lot of crap on myspace that is just her being silly. The other friends pages have a lot of support.

What my concern is is that SD will deny and BM will think we made the printouts up. Nothing will be solved then other than SD will be pissed and not want to see us.

Any ideas?

Thanks
Ref

Ok. I admit it. I snoop on SD's myspace. Shoot, she is 15 and lives a half a country a way. Her mom doesn't talk to DH at all about anything exept "WHERE'S MY MONEY!!" So I justify finding out about SD's life by snooping on her myspace.

BTW: I HIGHLY recommend doing this whether you are a custodial or non custodial. You would be amazed at the stuff out there. (Including not so bright kids posting addresses and phone #'s)

The problem is, SD wrote on her page that she was drinking with this friend that I know is trouble. The first issue is, whenever I tell DH about it, it just frustrates him because there is NOTHING he can do about it. He can't talk to BM and we have to be careful talking diretly w/ sd because she is old enough where we can't physically force her to see us. We can't tell anyone where we got the info because SD might block her myspace from the public, meaning I wont be able to see if she has gotten into worse trouble.

Any advice? I thought of printing out the page and sending it to BM anonymously, but she could follow the postmark.

Thanks
Ref

It's not a big deal yet. She was a A/B student up until thig grading period. We just got her new report card and she got C's D's and an F. She is a Freshman in highschool.

My question is more about my husband. If she was my child( I guess I shouldn't say that BUT...), I would call up her teachers and guidance and see what the hek is going on.

I just don't think my husband will do that. He always acts as though he is overstepping his bounds by asking for a report card, not to mention talking to her teachers!!

Any advice, stepparents???

I just recently put my husband and my step-daughter on my insurance plan because he lost his job. DH filed for CS modification. BM now is offering to put SD on her insurance as a way to keep DH's CS from goign down too much.

This is great with me because just my SD's insurance is costing me $265/month. If DH's CS doesn't go down, we still make out $265. I don't think BM has to pay for SD to go on her plan.

Does she need to wait until open enrollment to add SD?


I wont drop SD unless I know she has filed for the coverage. Also, BM doesn't work at the same place for long. I am a bit concerned that SD will end up losing her coverage if BM flakes out.

Any Advice?

Thanks
Ref

If you read the post below, you know that DH is having a lot of trouble with SD. To be honest, it seems as though she is becoming he mom more and more.

DH's bday was last month and SD never called him. Thanksgiving came and went without a call. He did talk to her a couple of days prior to Thanksgiving and she was nice enough to email him her Xmas list. The conversation was really short but the list was pretty long.

I understand that SD is almost 15 and completely self-centered because of that, but I also watched how she reacted with other kids her age. She was by far the most superficial person in the group. She was a one-upper and she lied about everything and anything. I know she is like this because of low self-esteem or maybe she really is increadbly stuck-up. Her mom always has a sense on entitlement, maybe she is picking up on it.

Now DH is being sued for contempt and modification of visitation. He filed for a change in CS because he lost his job and now it seems that BM is kicking him when he is down. SD seems to be siding with what seems to be the winner in this situation. (DH backed down on his Thanksgiving visitation)

DH thinks SD is partially involved in the court case and he is really hurt by it. He thinks she is just using him for gifts and she doesn't even care to talk to him anymore. Yes, yes I know this is what teens do, but the way she does it stinks of her mom.

Basically what I need advice on is how to help DH from feeling demolished every time he talks to his daughter. He now gets the same sick feeling when he talks to her as he does when he talks to his ex. HELP! They were soooo close!


Ref

How do you answer a 14 year old without sounding like the bad guy. SD is pissed at DH for "suing her mom" because he filed for a modifiacation for CS because he was laid off. BM just wrote him a note stating that she will not accept any mail except through "regular mail" and about certain topics and that she wont accept calls from him unless it is 1 an emergency or 2 about last minute visitation changes. She also threatening to "take a make-up day" from Thanksgiving our Xmas break that she is not entitled to. She is forcing him to sue her and Dh knows that will help her alienate his daughter even more from him.

What to do?

Thanks
Ref

DH has been trying to get a hold of SD every couple of days fo the past month. She is 14 has her own phone line and voicemail, her own cellphone (we got her) and email. DH and I have tried every way possible to get a hold of her. One of the problems is that Katrina made the phone lines overloaded (She lives on the Gulf). SD did leave messages twice when we weren't home, but hasn't called inthe past week. This is not entirely unusual except that the Hurricane made us very worried for her wellbeing. They weren't close enough to get major damage, but it sure would have been nice to hear her voice afterwards.

I told DH that BM will not be responsible for messages left on SD's line because BM has no control over it. The only way to make BM responsible is to email or call her. BM is a Mega-PBFH and DH loaths to talk to her on the phone. So I drafted an email asking her to have SD call DH soon signed DH. DH agreed to it and off the email went with the help of an email tracker. The tracker came back saying the message bounced because the receipient is refusing emails from [email protected]. She is blocking his email. So he sent the same letter through my email address and told her that she needs to open communication back up. She has refused regular mail, FedEx, emails and she wont return his voice messages. This has been going on for months now.

Well, he wants to demand that she stop refusing communication because it violates the Parenting Agreement. The problem is, he is always so fed up with the crap she pulls and wont talk to his lawyer about it. He has enough for contempt. I think he hates the thought of spending the money and having to confront her face to face again.

It breaks my heart to know that this evil woman has put so much fear into him. I want him to take her to court and get her to pay him back the hundreds that the court already ordered and at least get the judge to ream her out for cutting off all communication. I just don't know if he has it in him.

Any Advice?

Hey folks!

Well, here is the deal. I have prepared all the paperwork fo rthe contempt hearing. All that needs to be done is for DH to read over, make his changes and send it to his attorney. DH has been sitting on this for a month now, as more contemptable actions have been occuring by PB. I have been updating the contempt papers every week or so because she always pulls something new.

Here are the things I have listed for the contempt:
1. BM does not contact DH regarding major decisions as stated in the parenting plan. (What High School SD goes to, counseling, friend of SD put away for suicidal tendencies due to SD finding out his plans, after school activities etc..)

2. BM refused to communicate at all with DH. (we have a voicemail stating that she doesn't have to communicate with DH at all. She also refused delivery of several letters and several emails)

3. BM contacted SD several times a 24 hour period several times this summer. Parenting agreement allows for 1 call a day.

4. BM used the toll free number that we set up for SD and explicitly told BM last year not to use, in order to contact SD several times this summer. PA says each parent is responsible for the long distance charges when contacting SD.

5. SD was absent from school 15 times and tardy 17 times last year(per report card). BM never contated DH to tell that SD was ill at all this year. PA says that if a child is ill enough to miss school or go to Dr, then BM must contact DH.

6.  SD went on a field tip for 5 days without BM telling DH where she was. DH knew from conversation with SD, but PA says that BM must tell DH if SD is out of the home for over 24 hours.

7. BM was sanctioned $300 for failing to show up at a deposition over a year ago and has not paid DH back. She put in writing that she will not pay him for that.

8. PA states that unaccompanied minor fees need to be split between BM and DH. DH pays upfront and asked her to reimburse. She refuses in writing.

There are several more issues but that is all I have time for right now. The main issue is that BM refuses to include DH in SD's life. She will not communicate with him at all and make it so that SD has to pass messages includeing about visitation and money. This is stressful for SD and DH just wants to be able to have direct contact with BM about SD.

He was thinking of asking the court to order reimbursement for the letters returned, the unaccompnaied minor fees and put a deadline on the saction. He was also thinking about asking that BM take a parenting class. He also was thinking about asking the court to require that BM email him every week by a set time information regading SD including Dr.'s appointments, progress reports etc..

What do you think?

Also, did any of you SMs go to a hearing with your DH? Any advice if I should decide to go?

Thanks guys!

My SD just came for the summer. She is being PASed pretty bad at this point. BM chooses not to work and complained to SD that DH has to send SD to camp instead of BM having her for the summer. (we are 1400 miles away from her, so unless she wants to pay for a hotel there is no practical Right of refusal). BM makes SD call for money, she has shown her the parenting plan and other legals and letters between DH and BM. The prob with this is that she twists things DH does to make him look mean, so even the most innocent letter might look bad.

I grew up with my mother PASing me. She still says stuff about my dad with ugly hate in her voice when she feels threatened. I want to talk to my SD about it. I want to tell her about the emotional struggles I went adn go through and what I wish I had done as a teenager to make things better.

What do you think? Is this a bad idea? I have DH's blessing. I do not intend on making it about her specifically, but about difficult times being a teenage girl with parents that don't get along.

DH's Parenting agreement states that he should be included in decision making for all major decisions. It also states that BM is to contact him ASAP if SD is ill. It has been a year since this new agreement has been in effect. She has yet to contact him about anything except if she has a bills for him to pay. How do you prove that she never called and none of this was discussed?

Has anyone had to try to prove something like this?

Other more easily provable contempts are being brought on her. Is it woth mentioning to the court. I'm sure no real sactions will be made. Maybe a slap on the wrist. DH just wants a judge to hear what she is doing to SD and at least get another person to tell her what she is doing is wrong.

Thanks

You would think after 10 years of dealing with this crap, I wouldn't be such a wreck everytime I know BM is going to be pissed. I can't help it though. She is a mean person and doesn't care who it hurts, including SD, as long as it means that she will hurt DH. I hate how much of a cancer she is to the people I love most.

She wrote a letter to DH at the beginning of April. DH has been putting off talking to her, because he knows what a mess this will start. Now he is responding to her in a letter to be mailed, certified, tomorrow.

In the letter she accuses him of embezzling and extorting money from her. She was found in contempt, and the judge ordered that she reimburse DH for $250 last year. She also is supposed to pay for half of all unaccompnaied minor fees incurred due to visitation based on a parenting plan that she signed last year. She owes DH $250 for that as well. These are the reimbursements that she was supposed to make that she is referring to as embezzlement.

She wrote this whole thing about how she will deduct several items that he owes her from her debt. First was half of the flight costs for SD to fly to Florida for July 4th weekend and half of the unaccompanied minor fee.  Problem is, BM is only to have weekend visitation in PA when SD is here, so no unaccompanied minor fee. She wants half the flight costs because DH has it deducted from CS because SHE moved her and SD away. So she will not get that either.

The next thing she wants is half of the $50 filing fee for CS modification. DH paid the $50 fee for visitation mods, and she didn't offer to pay half of that. So he will not deduct that either. She also wants half of the $10 fee to get CS mod packets that she could have gotten for free off the internet.

She wants DH to pay for the copay fo SD to go to a social worker once a month ( and not even that often). SD has no diagnosed issues, that DH is aware of and he has not heard anything about her requiring treatment while with us duing the summer. DH thinks that BM is doing this to make him pay for more things as a get back for the modification of visitation. BM is getting her masters in social work and for all we know, SD's councelor is a friend of hers. DH has to pay for all reasonable and necessary medical expenses. DH feels that it is not necessary and it is not a medical expense. (Florida differentiates between medical and psychological care in many of its forms).

She also wants him to pay for half of a school trip that SD went on. He sent the school over $100 for the thing, to try to help SD, now BM wants more. $$$

She dwindled all of what she owes him down to HIM oweing HER $0.66, but she was kind enough to say she doesn't want his money.

Now DH has to threaten to take her to court for the $500 and she will tell SD and SD will be pissed and probably not want to see DH because her mom is a VICTIM of extortion by her dad. BM already told SD that she HAD to see DH or he will take her a$$ to court. BM actually told DH that in a phone call.

Anyway, I have to not seem worried about any of this infront of DH because that upsets him more. It is so hard when you have to keep such upset from the person you confide EVERYTHING in.

Thanks for listening

Ref

DH and I have been having "conversations" about the looming CS negotiations he will be having with his ex. I say "do everything by the book. Don't give her any ammunition" and his response is that she is more in the wrong than him and his judge will see it that way. He gets irritated with me when I disagree with his outlook. He thinks that the court will overlook his problems with the burocracy (ie filing all the proper forms) when the judge sees what kind of crap BM is pulling. I don't totally disagree, but my point is, with a little more effort he could be covering his butt and making her in the wrong 100% instead of 99%.

I know I am not a lawyer, but I just can't understand why he would refuse to fill out a couple of extra forms to keep himself in the right. Even if the forms are not necessary, I think it is worth the risk.

I have read all the docs about how to file and he hasn't ,yet he is disagreeing with how it is supposed to be done.

This isn't the only "discussion" we have had because of his situation. He gets pissed when I do the legwork and am gung-ho. The last discussion we had he said that I like "playing lawyer". F&*^%! I hate playing lawyer. I am just so scared that he is too emotionally crippled by all of this that he will make the same dumb mistakes that he made when they divorced years ago.

I feel screwed. I try to help him and he gets irratated and I don't and he gets irratated. If I could stop caring about how much hurt it would cause, I would disengage completely and not help anymore. I just can't do that though. I love him and his daughter too much.

I guess this is just a vent. Thanks for listening..

ref

Last year I wrote a letter to SD sending love and reminding her of DH's bday and told her when she could reach him. It was no biggy. PBFH intercepted the letter and left a message on my VM saying that I was not allowed to call or send letters to SD, especially that kind of "crap". She said that she intercepted the letter and opened it because SD was in school when it came.  She also told me that SD doesn't care for me.

Flash forward. SD writes on a online journal. She mentions how her dad could see her more if I didn't tag along. Dh called her and told her that in these MODERN times women work and make money and that I pay my own way. It has no effect on the amount of visits.

Everytime she sees me she hugs me and dances with me and wants me to sit in the booth next to her. The first thing she does when she gets to our home is to drag me in her room with her and do my makeup or hair or talk. She confides in me about friend and boy problems. We talk on the phone for hours regulary. All on her own. This behavior happens when BM is not around though.

Now DH just flew down to see her for the weekend. I decided not to go this time because I thought Father/Daughter time was good at this point. About when Dh was at the airport to fly down our phone rang. SD was calling to confide again in me about a serious friend problem. She said she knew Dh was not home but wanted to talk to me.

Now Dh says when he got to BM's apartment to pick up SD, BM wanted to talk infront of SD about a major issue. She said that SD didn't want to see him if I came with him. SD butted in. She said that she really liked me but wanted to spend alone time w/ her dad. She didn't make that threat. She said her mom was being dramatic. All of this infront of PBFH.

I still can't help wondering how she handles being so hot and cold about me for 10 years. I really feel for the kid. On the plus side, it looks like at 14, she is finally seeing that her mom is trying to stir up trouble. Also, I would have LOVED to see the look on PBFH's face when SD said she really liked me.

For any of you following my story...

DH just got done getting his new parenting agreement worked out allowing for more visitation and some other rights he already had spelled out. The first thing in the agreement was that they have joint custody and all decisions such as medical and school need to be discussed so that a joint decision can be made. CP is to start discussions. She is also supposed to send Dh a listing of Parent teacher days so that he can go to alternating ones.

A few days ago DH got a bill in the mail from BM for SD's therapy. He didn't even know that she was in therapy. SD probably needs it, but who knows what kind of therapist this is.  He also has not received anything from BM regarding the school.

What should he do? Not that he would disagree to SD's need for a therapist or that he could not get a listing of the Parent teacher days, but he is still being cut out of the decision making and involvement by BM. He asked for info on school and some of the extracurricular activities that SD is involved in, but she has not sent anything. He sent all those request through UPS and her signature is on the package.

Thanks friends