Topics

DH decree states that he has liberal visitation with him giving 30 days notice.

1. Does this mean that what he gives notice of is what he should get legally?

2. Is she in contempt if he gives notice of 4 weeks and only allows him 2?

Thanks

Hey Soc!

DH was ordered to mediation with Ex before he can go forward with contempt and change in visitation case.It is a doomed cause because she is hot tempered and stubborn. Ex has regularly stated that if he sues her that she will try to get an increase in support. She is currently on welfare (for 9 years running).

1. Who pays for mediation?

2.  Can she bring up an increase in support during mediation?

3. Can she bring it up in the trial?

Thanks

I just wanted to share. I haven't spoken w. SD since December. DH has had some rough conversations with her in between, but I actually haven't spoken to her.

I didn't think about it much. I guess I blocked out how much I missed her.

Last night she returned DH's call. I answered the phone and it was sooooo great to talk to her. I couldn't believe how much I missed her and didn't even know it. We spoke for a while about what was going on in her life. No weirdness. Just regular talking and joking.

DH spoke with her and she invited us and her Gma to go to her High School graduation. I am really looking forward to it.

Ofcourse when the warm fuzzies cooled down, my mind crept back to suspecting her building up to ask (demand) for a car again. Oh well. I'll enjoy the good feelings while they last.

Take care
Ref

SD emailed DH asking for help with school clothes. Her mom ended up spending all her money on car repairs, so SD says she has nothing left from CS for clothes and school supplies.

Things haven't been good with SD. She didn't do well in school last year and missed over 20 days. This will be her senior year and not only would it be in her best interest to graduate on time, but also DH's interest because he has to keep paying CS until she graduates or turns 19.

BM has painted DH as stingy and controlling because of him not buying SD a car this year. (He required SD get good grades and be respectful neither did she do.)

This was my thought. $100 gift card now. If she gets perfect attendance before her progress report , one month from now, she will get another $100. If she misses 1 day she will get $50. She has to have passing grades at that point too.

 When report cards come out in early Nov, she will get $50 for every A and $25 for every B.

What do you think? I think that is plenty for clothes and I think that may help give her incentive to get decent grades and attend school regularly.

How much do you spend on clothes for your kids?

Thanks
Ref

My parents split when I was 12. My dad "came out of the closet" and my mom became steeped in anger and pain. She stayed that way for a good 18+ years. I grew up believing terrible things about my dad and actually hating him. When I was 18 and on my own, I started talking to my dad and finding out that so much of my mom's stories were gross exaggerations or lies. She was still bitter and hate filled. I couldn't talk about my dad or his husband without her making faces, comments etc...
It was sad to have to split my life like that.

For some reason, over the past year to year and a half, my mom has changed. She is visiting my dad and my stepdad at their house 2 states away. She goes on family vacations with all of us kids and them. It is like she is cured.

For years I was worried about her wasting her life so filled with hate. Now I don't need to worry anymore. Sure, she still has hurt and anger but she is human about it.

I was inspired to tell this to all of you because I just got off the phone with my stepdad and he said how much he and my dad LOVE being around my mom. I nearly cried. Between the relief of the pressure between them finally being done and the sadness I have over my Sd being PASed to the point of not talking to us now, I was overwhelmed.

It took 20 years of a lot of pain, but it is possible that these evil people will get over their issues and become human again.

Best wishes,
Ref

I am hoping my SD turns her grades around. Knowing her laziness (and she is sooo proud of it) and her mom's non-parenting, I am not holding out much hope. The girl is smart but she doesn't do her homework so her grades are horrible. There is nothing we can do here and BM has all but alienated us and everyone else in her life. Just in case the worst is to happen, I was considering signing her up for summer school this year. She will be going into her Junior year of highschool (if she gets her grades up before then) and I KNOW those are the years colleges look at the most. I am actully thinking signing her up for enrichment classes this summer would be good regardless of her grades.

Anyway, my question is this. SD lives in Fl with her mom, we live in PA. How does signing a kid up for summer school work if the kid goes to another school district. If Florida requires she go to summer school, can she get the classes she needs here?(We have a FAR superior school disctrict).

Thanks
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SD lives 1500 miles away. She has always been a good student until this grading period in her freshman year.

Does anyone have advice on how to help her while she is so far away?

Thanks
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SD is about to turn 15. She lives in FL where you only have to be 15 to be able to get your permit. We live in PA where you have to be 3 months (or maybe 6 months) away from your 16th birthday to get your permit.

Does anyone know if she can drive with her permit in PA even if she would be too young to be issued one here?

Best Wishes
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My common law DH and I are going to finally take the plunge next year after 10 years of being together. My brother and his new wife may be prego now which means the baby will be due just a bit more than a month away from our wedding. He lives about a half a world away from us (literally). My question is, at what age can a baby fly? I will miss my brother and his wife terribly and so will the rest of his family. We would all like to meet the little guy/girl. It would be great if they could fly, but it would be about a 11 hour flight.


Thanks for your help
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I would love to point SD to one, if there is a good one. She needs some help sorting out the problems she has because of the divorce (specifically PAS)


Thanks
Jen

DH just got all the visitation he could possibly get. Labor day is his first visitaiton time he has with her following the new visitation agreement. She lives a 4 hour flight away. Does that seem too much for a 13 year old?

I need opinions. We rather have her here for cost and family reasons, but we also don't want to strain her too much.


Thanks  

SD is graduating this year. She will probably be going to college next year.

Does anyone know what, if any information DH will have to show when SD applies for College loans, Financial aid?

SD lives with BM 1400 miles away in Fla.

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My brother is about to be a dad. Instead of getting the newborn a bunch of stuff, I was thinking about getting him a couple of cute things and a savings bond. Does anyone have any advice on what type to get or how to get them?

Thanks
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Judge ordered that PBFH and DH communicate through email. We purchased a tracking software (readnotify) but it doesn't seem to work when aol receives the email (PBFH has aol).

Any suggestions?


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Has anyone used any of these? I was looking into Ez Phone recorder but wanted to get advice before I settle on one.

Thanks
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Dh has set up a hotmail account to send all emails pertaining to SD and BM. He is now using the readnotify software. Actually, I am using it on his behalf. Anyway, it doesn't seem to be working. 3 emails to BM show as not read. She never responded to them but that doesn't mean anything since she doesn't respond to any other form of communication. We just assumed that she didn't open them intentionally. I just sent an email on behalf of DH to SD's principal with an attachment. The attachment was tracked seperatedly. I received notification that the attachment was opened but it still reads that the message was not read. What does this mean? Now that this has happened it makes me wonder if BM did actually receive the emails we sent her. All of the documents were sent hide certified and all of them were confimed received by their servers.

Thanks Techies!

I need a little help with this. My DH is looking into filing contempt against his ex. They just signed a parenting agreement in May of last year and she hasn't changed her attitude towards him at all. It states that she is to include him in all major decision making such as school and dances and doctors and fieldtrips. (I know. Dances and fieldtrips he would not stop SD from going to, but requiring him to be in on the decision making also at least lets him be informed that these events are going on.) It also says that she is to inform him of anytime SD is sick enough to go to the doctor or miss school. SD has missed some school this year and DH has not been notified by BM that SD was sick. SD usually calls when she gets sick to get simpathy and love, but BM never calls him. They have seperate lines and SD calls our 888# and BM does not. BM owes DH almost $300 for expenses that she is to split with him and has not paid a dime in about a year. She also owes $250 for a sanction that she got over a year ago.

Any advice? There is no way to document her not calling him about imprt. What evidence will the court need? He wrote her a letter telling her that it has been a year and she has not changed any of these things. If she doesn't respond to the allegations, does that help?

As far as the money is concerned, she is claiming that she is deducting all sorts of items from what she owes him (although she claims that he is extorting the money from her). None of these items are DH's responsibility. The only questionable items are paying the deductable for SD's therapy (she has not been diagnosed with anything as far as DH knows and she goes less than 1x a month). His agreement states that he is to pay for all reasonable and necessary medical costs. There is no legal definition that I could find in Fl Family Court for this. All I know is in the motion to deviate for childsupport guidelines, medical expenses are seperate from mental health expenses. Also, he feels it is not necessary. SD is not required to go for any particular purpose. She doesn't go often. BM is a counselor too, so she likes the thought of SD going to one as long as she doesn't pay. The therapist is a clinical social worker and not a psychiatrist or psychologist. The therapy center also offers message and yoga classes. I could go on. The other expense that is gray is a medical bill. SD's insurance (thru DH) rejected her medical expense for a sick visit. DH called and they told him to have the Dr resubmit it. BM never did and instead paid them the $50 herself. Now she wants to deduct that from him. He told her to submit a claim thru insuance and he would not deduct.

Please let me know your thoughts.

Ref

Hey Folks!

I'm not sure if I am more excited or nervous about this Friday. Dh has his first face-to-face legal confrontation with his ex. This is the first step to working out what is best for his daughter.

Do any of you have any advice or stories about your mediation experience that might give us an idea of what we are in for? Dh is represented and PB is Pro Se.

I don't expect to be able to be there with Dh in the mediation room, but would it be inappropriate to wait with him at the office prior to the mediation? It will undoubtably piss off PB to see me. I am not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing. All I want to do is give Dh some support.

Do you usually bring your evidence with you to these things? I am thinking the point of mediation is not to battle about what happened in the past and point fingers, but to work out what is best for the future. Should evidence be save for the court hearing. (there is no way PB will negotiate, but mediation is ourt ordered)

When you tell the mediator what you want, do you shoot high in order to negotiate down, or do you actually tell them what you think is fair?


Thanks to all of you who have been such a help to us.

I asked soc, but want to hear your thoughts....

PBFH wrote a letter clarifying vistation arrangements for this summer. It was a pretty standard letter from her ,confirming things Dh never agreed to and demanding more information. Nothing too crazy though.

At the bottom of this letter she put a cc to the Judge assigned to the case.

Dh is in the middle of litigation with PB over contempt for past visitation and change in visitation and PB is pro se. Does this mean that PB can send letters like this to the judge?

I know she can cc the judge on correspondence relative to the case, as if she was an attorney, but this is just standard crap and unrelated.(unless she plans to go through another contempt).

I know some of you went through this. It seems like such a childish tactic to delay proceedings.

DH is suing PBFH for change in visitation and contempt. She never showed to the first deposition. A few weeks back she was given ,through DH's attorney, notice of mediation - which was ordered by the judge. She just called Dh and told him that she isn't going to show at all because she can't afford to split the costs of mediation - as required by the judge.

What can we do?? Any advice would be great.

PS we live in NE and she lives in Florida

Hello everyone!

My husband and I have decided to try to have our first baby. Among all the other things that scare the living day lights out of me is how to tell SD when I am pregnant.

At this point, SD is 17 and PASed to the point where the only time she contacts DH is when she wants money. Seriously, months went by without her returning a call and then she emails him to tell him she wants him to buy her a car and the insurance. (Shaking my head).

Anyway, by the time I am pregnant, she will be 18 and graduated.

Any advice on how to tell her? Any stories on how you told your adult stepkids?

Thanks and wish us luck!

Ref

I feel like a terrible person. Ever since we bought the tickets for SD to fly up, a month ago, I have been terribly depressed. I hate it that I don't want to see her. Before it was always such an exciting time. I would look for festivals or special shows to take her to, I would decorate the house. This year we have no tree and I have been planning ways for me to go off on my own while she is here.

I love SD, but I have had it. She is so brainwashed by her psyco mom, I don't know what to do. I have been playing over and over in my mind what I am going to say to SD about her telling me that I am over involved and should be "informed not involved" and how I was manipulative because I asked her to think of her whole family when she makes the decision to not to see us at all this winter.

I have always bowed out when SD was here. I always made sure to ask if SD would prefer to go somewhere alone with her dad. Usually she asked to go with ME places. I sent her 1 card in the 12 years I knew her to have BM intercept it and tell me that this "$hit was going to fly" and that she HAD to allow DH contact but not me.

Anyway, I have always been fair and if ANYTHING a complete angel with SD. I have never said anything bad about her mom, but I am really thinking I might tell her how it is when she is here. Maybe that is why I am nervous and blue. I just know that a few months away from 17, SD is old enough to know a little bit of the truth and I HATE confrontation.

It is so sad to me that this is where it ended up. At least she is coming to see DH and family. He doesn't really get to talk with her much anymore. Maybe once a month and it is stained. SD is in counceling (at BM's work) because, as BM said, of DH. Oh crap... I don't even know what to say about that.

Well, we have under 500 days left of having to legally deal with BM it started in the thousands, so there is not that much left. I just hope DH's relationship with SD doesn't deminish anymore.

Love to all of you during these great winter holidays and I wish wonderful things for all of you in 2008.

Ref

Any ideas on how to replace SD's SPARC Card? We have an 888# but a card like that might be helpful for calls to gma and other extended family.

Best wishes,
Ref

When my family and friends ask how things are going with SD, I say "same as before"... I am actually bored for them because no matter what crap BM pulls, it always seems to come out the same. I guess that is why I write here so much.

Bm left Dh a message on his cell today. Apparently SD is depressed and thinking she needs to see a therapist. Bm let DH know that it was all his fault because he hasn't spoken to SD for months.

Jesus! He has spent the past 13 years fighting for every phone call, every letter and every minute that he sees her. BM blocks calls, blocks emails, returns letters and packages and convinced SD since she was 11 that she didn't have to see DH. Dh is tired. Before it was BM pulling all the crap, now SD is doing the same. It is just too hard so DH just walked away.

He send SD a couple of emails, without any response from SD. He asked her to come up for some of her summer and she refused. SD and BM moved twice this summer and we only got contact info a couple of weeks ago.

He just can't fight anymore. Bm is blaming DH for giving up and saying SD is depressed because of him. What can he do? SD is completely disfuctional. She has very few friends because of her antisocial behavior (same as her mom). She has no family because BM has disowned everyone, even on her side.

I don't know if there is any advice to give, but any ideas? What should DH say to SD?

Thanks
Ref

Damn I can't wait until this is all over. It is sooo disruptive having DH's ex contact him so full of venim.

BM and SD hadn't contacted DH since April. BM and SD moved and gave no address. All DH had to go on was that she was living with BM's friend. He had asked for months. He had asked where SD was going to highschool this year. He had asked about SD's health.  No response.
Last month rolled around and BM sent him an email saying that she needed to be reimbured for SD's meds ASAP and that they were moving again and gave him the address. She also asked that DH chip in to buy 16 yo SD a car. By chip in , she meant for him to pay for it.

He sent an email back saying that he thought she had some nerve asking for $ when he still didn't know where SD went to school and didn't know where they lived. He said SD's grades were bad, attendence was atrocious, she was getting in trouble, and she hasn't been respectful by returning his emails in months. He was not about to change that unless he saw a difference, and because he had no idea what school she was going to and got no information from BM, he could not see contributing at all.

She just wrote him back calling him every name in the book and lying saying that she told him the highschool. She said he f'ed up his relationship with SD and that he didn't really care about her. She was the one that sacrificed and he was nothing to her. She said that he is starting fights because he still wants her (BM) in his life.  She said that he didn't need to know SD's physical address because he had a PO box, not that he sent SD anything there. Funny, last package he sent to SD, BM refused and it ended up coming back to us.

She turned the fact that he pointed out the SD was doing poorly in school etc... as he was attacking SD. She accused him of holding it over her head. Far from it. He was trying to say he knows nothing more then the last status and BM is not helping him know otherwise.

My God! Has the world just turned completely upsidedown? Honestly, if we could go without hearing from BM for another 6 months I would be perfectly happy.  DH tried for years to do the right thing and be involved, only to have BM tell SD that he is trying to snoop into "their" lives. Now he has given-up. Just for now. SD is brainwashed and BM is impossible.

I remember coming to this board for the first time with thousands of days left before SD granduated high school. Now it is only 580 days and I just can't wait.

Ref

My husband and I have been together 13 year. 13 years of a lot of love and growing together. 13 years of the biggest stress revolving around his decision to have a child with his crazy exwife.

I was only 20 when we started dating and thought I would never ever want to have kids of my own. After dealing with his ex and his PASed girl I really couldn't imagine wanting kids.....

Now, the conversation of "if" we have a kid have started. I told my DH that I am really thinking that I want to have a kid. He says he thinks about it too, but both of us are sooooooo afraid.

After all the pain we have deal with with SD, I don't know if I can handle the same pain. I don't know if he could.

We are solid. We have lots of love, lots of family, we are fairly financially stable. We live in a really nice town and have always been awsome with SD (except when teen years and PAS set in and she stopped seeing us).

Any advice?

Ref

SD will likely not even call this year. She is supposed to be with us, but that isn't happening because BM is flaming her desire to be with druggie freinds over DH.

He is going to be hurt and sad. Any ideas on how to make his Father's Day less painful?

Ref

DH got a bill from BM asking for him to pay the "balance due" but also the ROA amount. What the heck is ROA? All I could figure out was that it was "received on account". Is that amount an amount owed from the last visit?

Thanks
Ref

First of all, thanks for letting me take up this board lately. I don't know what my problem is. I have been dealing with this stuff for 13 years and I never seem to be able to let it roll off my back.

As you may or may not know, SD is in a downward spiral. She is doing drugs, drinking, skipping school and now failing. I didn't know what to do. She is refusing to come to see us this summer and her mom is looking the other way. BM has PASed SD pretty fully.

BM has told me that she only allows DH to contact SD because she has to but she doesn't HAVE to let me, so I am not allowed to call or write. Since then SD and I have had IMs that lasted hours. After BM found out that we were IMing, it suddenly stopped.

I decided last week to email SD. She gave us her email. I told her I would email her. She had no problem with it when she was with us. Now, she has opened the email and I am waiting on a response. It is making me nuts.

She has been so hostile to DH. My only guess is that BM and SD have been fighting and BM said more horrible lies about DH and me. SD doesn't even want to talk with us anymore (found that out after the email was sent).

Why does it still make me so anxious? At this point I am older, I have been through it for so long, you would think none of this would work me up. I am just waiting for BM to scream at our answering machine or send yet another email with three follow-up emails.

Ugh. I guess this was just my last effort to let SD know we love her and would like her with us this summer.

Thanks for letting me ramble.

Ref

SD's package is being returned. BM wrote a nasty email and she covered her butt by saying that she is encouraging SD to come here but she can't force her on a plane.

The only way I can think of getting around all this stuff is to invite SD to go on our trip with us. Hopefully she will at least want to do that. 10 days in Sunny California. I figure we can get a refundable ticket and if she doesn't want to go we can go to California just the two of us and maybe take a couple more days and fly to Seattle.

I wish there was more we can do, but we just don't have to energy anymore. BM has brainwashed SD too much. She will reap what she has sown.

Time to be a little selfish.

Thanks
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