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We just started seeing SDs regularly (after 4 years, with only 8 or 9 weekend visits allowed.)  SDs are now 12 and 13.  Court order was that we only see them Saturdays for the first 3 months, so we have 9 hours every other weekend.  We pack as much as we possibly can into that time.  Girls are very aware of schedule and the situation....

I was a little surprised when OSD called Sunday night to ask what we were doing the following Saturday, because they just found out about a church activity during Dad's time and they wanted to go.  Wow!!  Love it!  It's hard to give up a few hours, but in our case, the phone call is such a jump forward.  (And we had not yet made definite plans for the day.)  I wish I could say what caused the change, but I don't really know.  We have told SD's "no" on occasion when we had other plans, but we have also altered plans to accomodate special activities.

I agree with you and think you made a very important point at the end of your post.  It is not easy for children to go back and forth with different standards in BMs and BFs homes.

Our situation is the same in that SDs have discipline at our house, and NONE at BMs.  Every time we picked them up, it would take a few hours for them to adjust to our rules--sometimes even a whole day.  Then they would revert back to BMs "rules" a few hours before we were supposed to get them back.  Very frustrating for me!!

I am still working on being the adult, and having a bit more patience.  We don't use physical punishments in our home, rather we use time outs and loss of privileges.  But, looking back I think I was still a bit too harsh in some circumstances, and rationalized it by saying, "That's how I will treat my own children."  My SDs have grown up in a home that is not mine, and have had experiences that my children will never have, and so I cannot treat them exactly the same.  However, they will still be held to the same standards in our home.  It's a very fine balancing act....

Another note on not spanking--we have not seen my SDs since July 2002 because BM accused my husband of abuse.  As I mentioned earlier, we do not use any type of physical discipline in our home.  But SDs were upset about discipline/chores/etc. in our home, they lied to BM and to counselor, and the judge believed the counselor.  So just be careful.....  They can turn the littlest things into something huge!

So my ex-husband insists on having his 14-year old drive--and not just some little car, it's either Ford Expedition or the Dodge 4X4 truck.  It was a major point of discussion/disagreement when we were married.  Now I have no say in what he does with his daughter (from wife #1).  But she is driving while my children (ages 4 and 6) are in the vehicle.  Plus he takes my kids out of their booster seats/seat belts regularly, had my 6-year old "drive" the truck today.

I was to the point of frustration that I called the local police to see if anything could be done.  Either someone witnesses it, then reports it as it is happening (not likely to happen.)  Or, the police officer advised that I call the court tomorrow to have visitation rights "cancelled."  I know that is not right, would never do that to my children.  But at the same time I am seriously concerned about the safety of my children.  (There was a local news story about 3 months ago of a woman allowing her 14-year old stepson drive, and he killed himself in a car accident....)

My children's father thinks that he is super-dad and has never done anything wrong by his kids.  (I personally think cheating on their mom is not doing right by the kids, but that is a side point.)  To even suggest that he is putting them in danger, he will just laugh it off and probably threaten me with some court action.  He just graduated from law school, so pretty much any disagreement we have ends with him quoting (or misquoting) some law and threatening court....

Our divorce was final in January, so being on this side of things is still new to me.  Any suggestions?

Thanks for your supportive responses.  I just think that we all need some time to settle, but my ex-husband has never been the type to wait or settle down for anything--in May he will have completed his entire undergrad education plus law school in 5 1/2 years total.  (And, yeah, it hurts a bit that I stood by him for 5 of those years, and all I will see for it is the child support check.)  I like your thought of reaching a new equilibrium.  I can definitely see myself letting the kids more often--probably a lot more--down the road a year or two, but this is all so new and upsetting right now.  I will have to continue to think about things and figure out what is best for the family.

I have been visiting SPARC for about 5 years now, as the wife of NCP and stepmom to two girls.  Now I am divorced, and pretty traumatized by it.  My children and I currently live in one bedroom in my sister's house, we have no car (ex took both, since they were both financed in his name), just barely found a job as a substitute, no child support ordered (since my ex is full-time student and not working.)  My ex has standard every other weekend and alternating holidays--he agreed to it, signed the papers, took them to the judge even though I asked him to just wait a little longer.  I know it sounds crazy, but when we signed the divorce papers, we were hoping to still work things out--he thought we needed a fresh start to our relationship in order to overcome some things he had done.  He remarried exactly 4 weeks after the divorce was final, and spent what would have been our 7th anniversary on his honeymoon.

As I said, I am a bit traumatized by the whole thing--came down very fast.  I am seeing a counselor.  Here is my dilemma, after 5 years of researching and venting and working to see SDs more, I have been advised by my counselor to not allow more visits than what is in the parenting plan.  Everybody, including my ex, says they want me to be "healthy."  And my counselor says that communicating with the ex, setting up extra parenting time, etc. just prolongs the healing process, plus he is just continuing to exercise the control over me that he had while we were married, that I need to be a "tiger" and be strong, and the law is on my side (which I know quite well.)  AAAAggggghhhhhh!!!!  Everyone says that my being "healthy" is the best thing for the kids.

I have more empathy now for the 1st ex, although I would never pull the same trash she did.  I just don't know how to balance the whole getting healthy thing with promoting my children's relationship with their father.  **I** am also losing time with my children--not just when they are with their dad--I told my ex before we were married that I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom, and we have managed that for most of our marriage.  Now I am forced to leave them to go to work.

At their dad's house, they have one big happy family--6 children with 3 BM's, 2 BF's, 3 SM's and 2 SF's, and of course all the half-siblings and step-siblings, and more to come I am sure.  I would never not allow the ordered parenting time, but it just seems like such an unstable situation right now.  Good grief--the day my husband called and told me the divorce was signed and we could move on together, he started dating someone else.

I allow the kids to talk to their dad whenever they want; I don't talk bad about him (just slipped up once--said some stuff about his then girlfriend--they were seeing each other while we were still married--took the kids to see a counselor shortly after.)  The kids seem to be dealing with things very well.  I just don't know what to do about "extra" time.  Is that so horrible?  Can't we just all take time to heal?  

Do what you have to to get a good family law attorney!  We went through a similar thing 3 1/2 years ago, it was extremely upsetting and stressful.  We stayed with our rather inexperienced attorney, because we couldn't afford another one, BM had nothing (since nothing happened), and of course justice will prevail....  We were absolutely dumbfounded when judge ordered that parenting time be temporarily stopped (BM was asking for supervised visits)--with no physical proof of abuse and no reports from CPS (they didn't see anything worth even investigating.)  We are headed back to court next month--still have not had regular visitations, even though my husband met all the court's requirements to begin parenting time about 2 years ago.  BM knows the judge basically gave her all control.  We were so shocked and upset (and broke!) at the verdict, we crawled back home and started the process to get the girls back, but all our efforts have gone to waste.  Since then, several other attorneys have told us we should have sued attorney for malpractice, and appealed the decision.  Live and learn.  Hopefully you can clear things up before it gets out of hand.....  Good luck!!

Also, in some states where CS continues through college, there are additional requirements (i.e., child must maintain a certain GPA and provide proof of enrollment and GPA to CSD and/or paying parent.)  I believe CS can also then be paid directly to the college student rather than custodial parent.

SPOKANE, Wash. Dec 31, 2004 — A judge has refused to grant a divorce to a pregnant woman trying to leave her husband two years after he was jailed for beating her, ruling instead that she must wait until the child is born.

Shawnna Hughes' husband was convicted of abuse in 2002. She separated from him after the attack and filed for divorce last April. She later became pregnant by another man and is due in March.

Her husband, Carlos, never contested the divorce, and the court commissioner approved it in October. But the divorce papers failed to note that Hughes was pregnant, and when the judge found out, he rescinded the divorce.

"There's a lot of case law that says it is important in this state that children not be illegitimized," Superior Court Judge Paul Bastine told The Spokesman-Review newspaper on Thursday.

Hughes' attorney, Terri Sloyer, said nothing in state law says a pregnant woman cannot get a divorce.

"We don't live in 15th-century England," said Sloyer, who has appealed.

Under Washington state law, a husband is presumed to be the father of any child born within 300 days of a divorce. The judge argued that the paternity of the child needs to be determined before a divorce can be finalized.

Hughes has stated in court records that her boyfriend is the child's father, and that the judge's decision prevented her from marrying him.

"She has the right to divorce and be free to marry whoever she wants," Sloyer said. "It's about the choice, the fundamental right to choose."

******************
In a very brief interview on Good Morning America, the attorney also stated that Hughes is on state assistance, and suggested that the decision may have something to do with making sure someone was paying child support........

"No politicians, no courts, no attorneys, no CPS workers, etc !! "

But what about the loss of jobs!!!  :)

"Was CPS involved?"

BM first called police in our town--the officer stopped by and after visiting with us determined there was nothing to report.  Then BM filed police report in her town.  BMs attorney sent police report to CPS.  They did not even contact us because they found nothing in the report worth investigating--we called them to see if anything was happening.  BMs attorney then contacted DAs office, who also did not see anything worth investigating.

"How did you get the visitation back after two years?"

To get visitation back, my husband "jumped through the hoops" of what the judge ordered (1. anger management, 2. joint counseling with SDs, 3. supervised visits.)  Originally he was going to tell the counselors what they wanted to hear "I'm so sorry, I will never do it again, etc."--so we could get through the process faster.  But he was afraid he would be held hostage by his daughters--what would they say the next time they got upset?  (And heading into the teen years, they ARE going to be upset with Dad at some point.)  He stuck to his story, eventually convinced counselor he was telling the truth, and she eventually convinced BM to allow supervised visits. (Because of the way the order was written, BM pretty much had complete control.)  BM and her mom (who was the supervisor of visits) got tired of supervised visits after five.  Plus, BM is always more cooperative when HER marriage is in trouble--so we caught her at the right time when we asked to just get going on the original visitation schedule.

"Can I ask what BM accused DH of that wasn't the truth that the judge considered abuse?"

My SDs got in trouble for something we had warned them about over and over and over again.  My husband led them from the living room to their bedroom holding the back of their necks--you know how just about every parent does--no hitting, no spanking, nothing.  SDs embellished a bit and all of the sudden he was picking them up and throwing them into the wall, throwing OSD down onto the coffee table, etc.  My OSD did have bruises on her back when BM picked them up--because she had fallen off a horse twice two days before!  My husband is 6'1" and 300 pounds, so **obviously** he must be abusive....  Our attorney felt that it was the counselor's testimony that did the greatest damage.

"What do you think your BM had set-up to led to your 2 years of H*** without SDs?"  

As far as setting things up, that is what took us so much by surprise when the judge ordered what she did.  BM had made one previous police report (the one which judge did not consider to be abuse.)  That was it--no other accusations, no CPS reports, no "hey we need to talk about this" discussions.  We were completely blindsided both by BM's actions and the court's decisions.

"Do you really think a different attorney would have made a difference and why?"

A different attorney probably would have made the case for us.  Ours was very inexperienced.  About a week before the hearing, our attorney suggested that we may want someone with more experience.  Like I said, we knew BM had nothing and thought our attorney would be able to handle it.  We had used her for over a year, but had never been in court with her.

--My husband was severely disappointed in her cross-examining.
--She should have insisted on having SDs testify.  When BM wanted to have them testify, we thought it would reflect poorly on her for dragging them into court, but at the same time we knew SDs would not lie in front of Dad.
--We should have had the counselor's records before heading into court We got copies later, in which OSD admitted to counselor that she was lying but didn't want BM to get in trouble.
--We should have had copies of CPS reports against BM.  From what I have heard, some by BMs own admission, there have been several calls about her.  My husband has only called once, when YSD was bruised by belt buckle.  My husband is not the type to "dig up dirt," so we have never asked CPS about these reports.  My husband made sure BMs husband would never touch SDs again and so he is not as concerned about the other stuff.

Also, we spoke with an attorney later who knew the judge very well and could have made an immediate good impression--the judge is known for going with her first impression.  It was bad.  But we were flat broke, our attorney worked with us on a payment plan, and we could not afford to start all over with a big retainer on a new attorney. (Our attorney did write off everything we owed her.  And we filed bankruptcy about a year after the hearing, so we didn't have to pay BMs attorney fees either as ordered--ha! ha!--her fees alone were almost an entire year of child support payments.)  We also just wanted to get it over.

We would do better now if SDs and BM tried to pull a similar stunt.  We now have the counselor that BM chose on our side.  We would not make the same mistakes we made the first time.  (And my husband is now a law student--he will make one mean attorney!!  much better than our old attorney or BMs attorney.)

Good luck to you and your family!!  Hang in there....