Messages

I agree gemini.  I have wondered myself what Momfortwo's purpose was on these boards.  I am all for healthy debate and seeing issues from both sides, however, since the purpose of this webpage is to support meaningful relationships with BOTH parents and most people are here to get help with furthering that relationship because, typically, (not always) the CP is the one that deters that relationship with the NCP, I don't feel that many of mom's posts are in any way helpful.  I realize we all come here with our own stories and experiences, but let's remember that this is 2009 and families come in all forms and the best family a child can have is equal access to two parents-a mom and a dad and the families that extend. If both parents live within reasonable driving distance to school and neither is a convicted criminal, everything else is petty "bull...." and needs to be put aside in the best interests of kids.  I am guilty of this at times, and need to remember what really matters. 

As a teacher, I rarely see 2 parents in the home with a SAHM and the dad at work. Many of my families are 2 parent families working and the kids get shifted around from daycare to grandmas to the neighbors or stay home alone all in ONE WEEK! No judge gets in the way of that and says that those children shouldn't be with both of their parents.  Why is it not okay for children of broken homes to go back and forth and be taken care of by 2 families and family friends that care for and love them? It is not a freaking competition of what parent can take better care of a child.  It is a team effort and BOTH parents need to step up to the plate every single time and work together. My Nana's old phrase "kill em with kindness" works for adults too. If the CP or NCP would start practicing that, then maybe we would get somewhere in this world. We could share our kids as equally as possible and remember that most of these kids are product of a love that once was and they have 2 parents that love them and deserve to share in their lives as equally as possible.

In my classes, I have had many students who had/have alternating weekly schedules or 2/2/5/5 schedules.  They miss assignments, they forget things, but no more or less than ANY OTHER CHILD in my class. The children with an issue are typically in a situation where the parents are working AGAINST each other instead of WITH each other.  They have different teachers and coaches and church, etc, so they are constantly learning different rules and cue switching. So I am so tired of hearing all the petty excuses of why kids can't switch between both of THEIR homes!

I am a step-mom (wife of a NCP who would like to be a 50/50 parent), soon-to-be bio mom, step-daughter, bio-daughter, sister of a step/bio mom, sister of a step/bio dad, sister of NCP and sister of a CP. Friend of all.

thanks again!  DH will kill them with kindness and unblock every obstacle to make it impossible to say no.  we will have to move on from there.  and ocean, you are right.  the real issue is BM's problem with DH being involved.  i am sure that if you go back and read earlier posts from me, you will see that it isn't very harmonious.  also, we are both highly educated people (master's degrees) and she jumps from program to program. wasn't a strong high school student and just always seems to be in "crisis" mode.  Overscheduled, unorganized, babies all of the time.  She never seems to know what is going on and SS suffers because of it. That is why DH has made a point to just get any information he can on his own.  He contacts coaches, teachers, and doctors because BM always conveniently "forgets" to let him know or simply makes a big deal about him being involved.  Just depends what mood she is in.  We are learning to beat her to the punches, however, this year is a bit more challenging.  You guys are a great support system.   

Thanks everyone!  DH always attends open house, conferences, etc.  He doesn't get a chance to volunteer due to work, but makes it to all of the dad "stuff."  With first grade, we provided the self addressed stamped envelopes.  2nd and 3rd grade teachers said it wasn't necessary. This teacher didn't even respond. She just passed the issue on to the principal who wrote DH an email saying it would be too difficult to provide him with everything, especially since his "visitation" wouldn't correspond with a poorly completed assignment, he wouldn't have it in a timely fashion.  (like he never speaks to his son on the phone mid-week) Needless to say, DH wasn't too thrilled that the principal's reasoning was based on his "visitation" He wanted to march right in there and say that it is his parenting time and in that time he PARENTS his son.  Telling SS to bring the low tests home to dad's is not an option. BM does not save anything from the folder and makes a big deal over DH having anything to do with SS schooling. Although, she does not do much to make sure he has homework turned in on time (or at all) and he rarely studies for tests.  SS struggles in school and the only reason he is as far as he is, it due to DH getting more involved during 1st grade. He knew someone was checking up on him. DH is trying to help SS become more independent and remember these things on his own, however, home at mom's is very unorganized and he is often  left to his own devices. Mom is pregnant and sleeps a lot.  DH requested tests and low grade assignments so he could be a support at our house.  He is going to schedule a meeting with the principal to discuss things face to face.  Just because FERPA doesn't require them to provide certain things, doesn't mean they shouldn't try to accommodate DH who is trying to be an involved parent despite this crummy situation.  Maybe offering the ream of paper and the envelopes this year would be helpful for this teacher.  All school and class info is online. We just want the assignments so they correlate with the online gradebook.  Thanks again!!

Hey all.  question about FERPA.  How does it apply to Friday Folder type documents in elementary classrooms.  In previous years, my SS's teachers have been very willing to work with DH on providing him copies of everything in the Friday Folder.  He simply received a mailing with all papers from the Friday Folder. This year, the teacher feels this is a lot of extra work and the principal has intervened saying only report cards and general newsletters will be mailed.  Grades are available online, however, DH has previously received copies of tests and assignments in addition to using the online program, that way he can actually see an area of success or concern.  An online grade means nothing.  I have been searching online but cannot seem to find clear information on what is considered a "school record" under FERPA.  Some things say tests and assignments that get recorded in a grade book are.  Most of it has to do with college. We feel that whatever is sent to mom should also be sent to dad.  K-3 teachers had no problem, but now 4th grade does.  Any help would be appreciated.

Thanks to you all!!!  This summer is off to a bad start.  Fiance gave BM a suggested schedule-pretty equal but favoring BM in the end due to our wedding and such.  She emailed a schedule which was signiificantly less stating that SS had such a hard time last year and this shortened schedule will be better for him. Basically 5 days with dad 9 days with mom when the previous 3 summers have consisted of EOWeek and actually fiance got the first 2 consecutive weeks of the summer.  SS stated to my fiance that he wanted it equal.  Fiance emailed BM back saying he wants the 7 night schedule and so does SS. She called 3 days later before fiance was due to pick up SS and told him no. Fiance asked why and she brought up every excuse in the book on why and said he is lucky he is getting this and not just EOWeekend.  She says that I say things to SS but won't disclose that because "she isn't going to put him in the middle like that." She always brings up their TEENAGE past!!!  Says that if fiance would have been there from day one then he would have him equally now. They were teenagers. They argued all of the time and my fiance got to a point where he couldn't stand fighting with her and just let her have her way. Well she say that as walking away from their son.  Fiance and I believe that she is upset that their relationship didn't work out and now she punishes my fiance by limiting access to his son.  They haven't been together since SS was born. You would think she would have moved on by know considering she is married and has 2 babies.  The hardest thing is that when SS got here he immediately told us that his mom asked him what he wanted-5 or 7 days and he said 7. He said she kept asking him if that was really what he wanted and kept telling him she didn't think he truly wanted that and that she was telling dad it would be 5 days. Fiance really wants to work this out without the courts, but it seems we may just have to get an attorney.  When is enough enough?  How many times should he ask her?  She said he will never have their son year round and if he keeps asking she will go back to every other Sunday.  I just wish we had the answers on what to do to make this work and have this awesome kid in his other family equally.

I just need a place to vent. My fiance and I just feel like throwing in the towel. My soon to be step son has been asking to have more time with dad since he was about 4. He had the typical EOWeekend schedule, however, during the summer it has been EOWeek for the past 3 summers.  Last summer, many changes took place.  Mom got a new house which meant a new school. We bought a house within 10 minutes of both his new house and school. A new sibling was born at mom's house and a few other minor details.  During this time, SS got his hopes up that mom would agree to alternate weeks the whole year, but he also had several meltdowns at her house with all of the stress.  Needless to say, she blamed all of the meltdowns on me and my fiance and threatened to go back to the original parenting time which was very minimal and put into place when SS was an infant.  He is now 9.  She cooled down a bit, sat down with SS and my fiance together.  She agreed to go EOWeek for school, but then said no once school started.  Summer is here again and we gave her a schedule for EOWeek with a few modifications (in her favor) since we will be on our honeymoon for a week. She said she would look at it but wanted to do shortened weeks for a while, since SS had such a hard time last summer.  We are just feeling so defeated.  We have been trying to work toward a 50/50 schedule without involving the courts,  but it seems the older SS gets and the more he wants to be with his dad, the more she pulls him back, talks bad about dad's decisions, and eliminates time with him. There have been so many issues since we moved so close. We thought things we get better and it hasn't.  My fiance just lost his job (he was in corporate finance) so our plans to have the courts sort it out are put on hold.  I am having such a hard time being a support to him when I sit back and watch him be so nice to her while he gets walked all over and treated like nothing more than a sperm donor and a paycheck.  We both feel like just giving her what she wants--let her have her son, collect her money, and to basically disappear from SS life.  She has a husband, a new baby, and another on the way but can't let issues from their teenage relationship go. They are almost 30 now, but my fiance seems to be the only one who can forgive and truly move on. There really is no question here.  I am just overwhelmed, disappointed, frustrated, and at the end of my rope.  I am tired of seeing this little boy who I love cry each weekend and wonder why his mom won't share him and even more tired of seeing the man that I love look totally defeated and ready to give up.  It is hard to stay positive and keep hopeful when nothing seems to be going the right way. Thanks for reading and letting me vent. 

Document everything. Phone calls, condition of the children when you see them, get school records, medical records, etc. The letters on here are very helpful with gaining access to those things.  Has CPS ever been called on Mom?  Does the teacher think it is necessary? Make the call yourself if you feel they are being neglected.  Start building a case with these things first.  The poor school attendance and teacher's comments are good evidence against mom's ability to raise these boys alone. Have your husband request to her, in writing, a more equitable schedule such as every other week in the summer since  you say you live so close with an agreement to keep CS the same.  Maybe you can continue it into the next school year. If you can get mom to agree to that on her own, then you have a better chance of gaining more custody through the courts in the future.  And of course, if you feel the kids are in immediate danger, file for emergency temp. custody. But from what it sounds like, she is overwhlemed with life and needs some parenting skills. Maybe full weeks with you in the summer will teach the boys better hygiene and free up time for mom to clean her house.  Read through the posts on this board and private message someone. I think many others would have some better advice for you. Good luck.

 Seems a bit immature in my opinion.  If the child were being put first, Christa, you would be encouraging her to try to form a relationship with the mother of her new sibling and potential new step-mother. Also, if the child were being put first, don't you think it would be much easier to just let her go to and from school in the same home without having to do all of that switching around?  I would hate to think that my fiance's son would have to go home to Mom's before he could come home to Dad's when he went to school from Dad's house just because his father wouldn't be home for 2 or 3 hours.  This is his home just as much as it is mine.  Your situation seems to be more about you than your daughter. She is going to have to live in two homes until she is on her own and it would be in her and your best interest to only choose the big battles (like others have already said) and let her learn to accommodate and adjust to the rest of the "inconveniences" that this type of schedule has. Life is constantly changing, whether parents are married or apart,  and for adults with or without kids.  These can be good life lessons for her and you can be the one to set a strong, mature, womanly example in her life, or you can show her to take an alternative route. Deal with the medical issues and leave the rest alone for the sake of your daughter.

Fiance has an almost  9 year old son.  BM has sole physical, joint legal.  Original order is only an Order of Filiation from when they were 17 (m) and 19 (d). It states that dad has EOSunday supervised until he learns parenting skills. Both parties can agree to extend parenting time.  Since 2004 they have agreed to EOWkend with EOWeek in the summer. Alternate holidays.  BM has always said that if we moved closer Dad could have more time during the school week.  This summer, she and her husband bought a house and we purchased a home 9 minutes away. Fiance, BM and son all sat down for a talk before school started. They agreed to continue EOWeek through school year. BM then said no after the first week of school. He has been documenting parenting time, discipline, school, health/medical, every phone call, major conversations with son and BM, and extra expenses for about 5 years. <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>
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Here are my questions.  How many times should he request a 50/50 schedule from her before he motions the court?  How much does he need to prove to a court that joint physical is what is best?  Should he give BM another written request, trying to address some of her concerns, before going the court route?  He doesn't want to annoy her, but truly wants to work things out with her before trying through the courts. The last written request to BM was in early December to which she called next day screaming and upset with fiancé and said NO!  We thought about sending another one in March asking to start after the April spring break.  Any opinions or comments are greatly appreciated. <o:p></o:p>

Thanks ocean and jan for your replies.  Fiance does pick and choose his battles, in fact he rarely battles because BM just screams at him and it is basically her way or no way at all.  Halloween costumes and sports are not an issue.  It just becomes an issue when she gives SS the choice in those things and then takes it away once he has chosen.  She gave dad permission to sign him up for little league if SS chose our town, but once he did and she realized that her son did not chose "her" so to speak, she has now made the decision of making him switch.  SS is so confused when he comes to us and we are always careful not to insult BM, but he is starting to notice her games and he even commented to my fiance that "you are the better parent because you teach me to be reposnible and to take care of myself and do good in school.  Mom just gives me everything I want so I will like her better." Shocking from an almost 9 year old.   

As for filing for joint physical/EOWeek, fiance has had mixed advice from state research and these message boards.  Some caution that what he has now will just become permanent if he files and to wait until BM agrees to it.  Well, she was very willing to work with dad until we moved so close. No we feel she sees this as a threat to her and she has tightened the control. (down to Halloween costumes and sports venues) Although she portrays it to be giving their son the say.  Other advice has been to file now and begin the proceedings.  He has documented every major and minor detail since 2004.  He has a medical records request in the works.  Concerns of obesity and nutrition since SS was 4. He has been VERY diligent in remaining in contact with teachers and schooling.  He often knows more about son's homework than BM does.  He has taken son to school about 4 times last year when we lived far away, but since moving closer BM won't allow him to stay the night during school even though SS stays at grandma's and with an aunt if she has an early appointment or if she ever decides to work.  He puts everything in writing to her and she just calls next day to deny it and scream at him. I guess we just don't know when or if we will ever have enough on our side to actually gain an EOWeek schedule from the courts.