Fiance has a 9 year old son. BM has sole physical, joint legal. Original order is only an Order of Filiation from when they were 17 (m) and 19 (d). It states that dad has EOSunday supervised until he learns parenting skills. Both parties can agree to extend parenting time. Since 2004 they have agreed to EOWkend with EOWeek in the summer. Alternate holidays.
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BM has always said that if we moved closer Dad could have more time during the school week. Well this summer, she and her husband bought a house and we purchased a home 9 minutes away. Our house is in a MUCH better school district but closer to the school in her district that she enrolled him in. STBSS was so excited that both houses would be so close (used to be 35-40 minute drive) He talked all summer of going EOWeek forever. Mom started "freaking" and took the last 2 weeks of summer with dad away from son and said that son needed to enter counseling or they needed to have the 3 of them sit down for a talk because things are just too different in both of the homes.
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Here is the issue...BM has been giving STBSS decision making power with little things like extra nights or weekends with dad since he was 4. (dad does not agree, but she always asks SS after dad asks her if it would be possible) Since our move she has extended this decision making power to the following:
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1. SS may choose what school district he attends next year.
2. SS may decide if he wants to go EOWeek year round
3. SS can choose his Halloween costume.
4. SS may decide what district he wants to play baseball in.
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Results of the above:
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1. Not an issue yet because the year is not over, however, why would he choose to leave friends at age 9? Parents should place him in the best available district.
2. SS told BM in the sit down (she said counseling was too much money. We think she didn't want a non-bias adult telling her her son was fine with dad) that he wanted to go EOWeek. She said ok. One week later called fiancé to say that she was not ready to go there and that maybe he could have extended weekends. SS asked mom on his own accord if he still do it and she told him no because he needs to spend more time with his new baby sibling. SS has asked dad several times since August if he would talk to mom again. Fiance wrote a formal letter stating SS wishes and how they could make it work. Included a calendar and still gave her about 10 days more for the year. She called next day screaming about "brainwashing their son" and said he only asks that to make dad happy and that she would consider it when he was 13 or 14 and not to bring it up to son again. She also said that the schedule was not changing and did not allow extended weekends.
3. SS wanted to be a ______ and asked me to help him make a costume. He also asked me last year because I happen to be very Marth Stewartish and BM is very far from it to no fault of her own. We put together a very cool costume with just a few missing pieces that we asked mom to get. When he came to us after trick-or treating, he had on a totally new costume or should I say black sweatsuit. When dad asked why he didn't be the other thing he started crying and said "mom said since it was HER Halloween she wanted to pick out the costume this year."
4. This Friday, fiancé asked for the birth certificate to sign SS up for baseball in our town. Fields are 5 minutes from her house. She said she just got info for her town and then said to SS in front of dad, "I guess you will just have to decide where you want to play then, Buddy. If you play in _____you will be with you friends." When they got into the car, fiancé said, I don't care where you play, but if you choose to play in our town then we have to sign up tomorrow, so it has to be a quick decision. SS said he didn't have to think about it. He already knows he wants to play in our town because the sports are better and he wants to make friends in this neighborhood. Fiance took him to sign up next day. Paid $100 and needless to say, BM called today saying their son would not be playing in our town and would play his sports in his own school district.
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She has set a pattern that if she gives son a choice and he chooses her then his feelings are valid and truthful. If he chooses something with Dad, then he either can't do it, or she thinks he was just trying to please Dad and he still can't do it.
<o:p> </o:p>
We, however, are left to pick up the pieces when he is in tears or very confused during our weekends. Fiance doesn't care where he plays or what he chooses. He is just sick of it being son's choice and then he is not validated by mom. He will not address this with mom because when he has tried previously he gets screamed at or is threatened to only see son on the original EOSunday supervised schedule. Anyone deal with this? Any advice? We are at a loss. Thanks.
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<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p> </o:p>
BM has always said that if we moved closer Dad could have more time during the school week. Well this summer, she and her husband bought a house and we purchased a home 9 minutes away. Our house is in a MUCH better school district but closer to the school in her district that she enrolled him in. STBSS was so excited that both houses would be so close (used to be 35-40 minute drive) He talked all summer of going EOWeek forever. Mom started "freaking" and took the last 2 weeks of summer with dad away from son and said that son needed to enter counseling or they needed to have the 3 of them sit down for a talk because things are just too different in both of the homes.
<o:p> </o:p>
Here is the issue...BM has been giving STBSS decision making power with little things like extra nights or weekends with dad since he was 4. (dad does not agree, but she always asks SS after dad asks her if it would be possible) Since our move she has extended this decision making power to the following:
<o:p> </o:p>
1. SS may choose what school district he attends next year.
2. SS may decide if he wants to go EOWeek year round
3. SS can choose his Halloween costume.
4. SS may decide what district he wants to play baseball in.
<o:p> </o:p>
Results of the above:
<o:p> </o:p>
1. Not an issue yet because the year is not over, however, why would he choose to leave friends at age 9? Parents should place him in the best available district.
2. SS told BM in the sit down (she said counseling was too much money. We think she didn't want a non-bias adult telling her her son was fine with dad) that he wanted to go EOWeek. She said ok. One week later called fiancé to say that she was not ready to go there and that maybe he could have extended weekends. SS asked mom on his own accord if he still do it and she told him no because he needs to spend more time with his new baby sibling. SS has asked dad several times since August if he would talk to mom again. Fiance wrote a formal letter stating SS wishes and how they could make it work. Included a calendar and still gave her about 10 days more for the year. She called next day screaming about "brainwashing their son" and said he only asks that to make dad happy and that she would consider it when he was 13 or 14 and not to bring it up to son again. She also said that the schedule was not changing and did not allow extended weekends.
3. SS wanted to be a ______ and asked me to help him make a costume. He also asked me last year because I happen to be very Marth Stewartish and BM is very far from it to no fault of her own. We put together a very cool costume with just a few missing pieces that we asked mom to get. When he came to us after trick-or treating, he had on a totally new costume or should I say black sweatsuit. When dad asked why he didn't be the other thing he started crying and said "mom said since it was HER Halloween she wanted to pick out the costume this year."
4. This Friday, fiancé asked for the birth certificate to sign SS up for baseball in our town. Fields are 5 minutes from her house. She said she just got info for her town and then said to SS in front of dad, "I guess you will just have to decide where you want to play then, Buddy. If you play in _____you will be with you friends." When they got into the car, fiancé said, I don't care where you play, but if you choose to play in our town then we have to sign up tomorrow, so it has to be a quick decision. SS said he didn't have to think about it. He already knows he wants to play in our town because the sports are better and he wants to make friends in this neighborhood. Fiance took him to sign up next day. Paid $100 and needless to say, BM called today saying their son would not be playing in our town and would play his sports in his own school district.
<o:p> </o:p>
She has set a pattern that if she gives son a choice and he chooses her then his feelings are valid and truthful. If he chooses something with Dad, then he either can't do it, or she thinks he was just trying to please Dad and he still can't do it.
<o:p> </o:p>
We, however, are left to pick up the pieces when he is in tears or very confused during our weekends. Fiance doesn't care where he plays or what he chooses. He is just sick of it being son's choice and then he is not validated by mom. He will not address this with mom because when he has tried previously he gets screamed at or is threatened to only see son on the original EOSunday supervised schedule. Anyone deal with this? Any advice? We are at a loss. Thanks.
<o:p> </o:p>