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We have just started sending certified letter/return receipt to BM in regards to her actions of contempt. BM refuses to communicate with dad except through text messaging, and it's a lot easier to submit letters rather than text messages. I think it best to file anything that pertains to a current issue you are returning to court on.

wow, i didn't realize how long that was...sorry

We are in California, btw

Hi all.. I have posted a few times previous. I am the stepmother of 2 boys, 13 and 9. Dad decided to file a motion for contempt, based on several items in the new order made on 8/19/09, which bm refuses to follow. Specifically, refusing to provide current address and phone number, refusing to provide a copy of her work schedule to dad as ordered, (we believe) not allowing dad his ROFR, and leaving children in the care of her new boyfriend.

I actually have two questions. First, under what circumstances can someone object to a Commissioner presiding over their case?

We have a Commissioner currently residing over our case. The Commissioner  appointed herself to the case for all issues, after they had gone in front of her regarding child support. I believe she saw something was not right with the way our case had been handled by the court up to that point. Going on 3 years, dad only had every other Sunday visitation. Mom continuously made up false allegations to keep dad from having more time, including false tro's and ex-parte hearings.  The Commissioner took over, then ordered an evaluation. The court evaluator was not kind in her opinion of mom, agreed that there was parental alienation, and ordered mom to attend counseling. Dad now has every Wednesday night as well as 1st, 3rd, and 5th wknds. After the last hearing, mom started saying she didn't agree to the Commissioner hearing the case, and more or less stating she didn't have to abide by her orders. We believe she will try to have the Commissioner removed from hearing this contempt motion (scheduled for 11/12/09). I know on the doors to the courtroom it says one can object to the Commissioner hearing a case, but are there specific circumstances; does it have to be initially before she hears any of the case, or can it be at each hearing for the case in question?

My other question, Can we file another declaration before the contempt hearing in regards to that hearing, in order to let the court know of more instances of contempt or bad behavior on mom's part?

Dad sent bm a certified letter return receipt to her mother's address, requesting  information and noting the instances of contempt. We would like to file a copy with the court.

Also, since we filed, we found out bm had signed younger son up for soccer (he was signed up even prior to the last hearing), dad found out when he was told by bm to have son at X place and at x time for soccer game. There was never any discussion, even though games are every Saturday during dad's time. I posted about this previously; dad has been taking the child to his games.

Most importantly, at last Saturday's game their was an incident that we would like the court to be aware of.

Long story longer...We tried unsuccessfully to obtain mom's home or work address to have her served with the papers for contempt hearing. The only other option was to have her served at either the park where soccer takes place, or when dad drops off the children to her. We figured soccer park would be best, since the children are in dad's care at this time. She was served last Saturday, immediately after half-time and not in front of the children, by a mutual friend (someone she also knows and is friendly with). She started calling dad's cell, left a voice mail calling him a low-life and repeatedly saying she wasn't served, that the person didn't tell her "you've been served", and that she didn't know what these papers were but he better try to have her served again. After third quarter when dad was giving younger child his sports drink, she approached and yelled at dad repeatedly that she hadn't been served, then grabbed the drink from dad as well as grabbing the child and told dad" he's not going with you". Child was visibly upset for the rest of the game.

When the game was over, bm held onto the child and refused to turn him over. Child had a birthday party he wanted to attend; dad had been told about it the day prior, but he had explained to the child that we were going to visit his grandparents and cousins after the soccer game, and we had already planned on doing that since his soccer game was finally early enough to allow us the time for that. BM was now using the party as an excuse for not turning over the child, that he was going with her and it was his choice. Dad stated that he was not going to play tug of war with the child, but that he would call the police. She said go ahead. Dad then went and stood behind her vehicle, while she was still on the field gathering her things, and called police.

She approached the car with the younger child and her boyfriend, they got in the car, and she repeatedly threatened to run dad over; she did not turn the car on. I was nearby with the older child as well as our 1 y.o. daughter and the person who had served her. Dispatch told him he could block the car, but if she started backing out best to move. When I approached my husband with the address so he could give it to dispatch, she got out of the vehicle, walked between me and the rear of her car, and elbowed me in the chest as she passed. She turned around and got inches from my face, screaming. Her boyfriend got out and pulled her back. She then went over to my vehicle, telling the older child to give her a hug and kiss. She started yelling at the person who served her as well. When the police arrived, she stated the judge had said it was the children's choice if they wanted to go or not (lie). The police eventually made her return the child, who was crying and refusing to get out of the car.

Similar instances have occurred many times in  the past, and dad has let the child go in order to avoid conflict. The police look at him as the bad guy for upsetting the child, now the child has learned this behavior is acceptable. The children's emotional growth is stunted. The 9 year old reverts to preschool behavior when he doesn't get his way. Within 10 minutes of leaving the soccer park, child was back to normal, and excited to get to his cousin's house. The next day, about 20 minutes before drop off, child gets hurt playing with the baby, and reverts back to angry, negative behavior right before he returns to mom's care. This is typical behavior before drop off, 9 yo either gets hurt or suddenly has a bad attitude towards dad. Mom encourages this behavior and rewards him for it with praise and attention. Older child is considered a bad kid because he does not go along with it and stands up for dad when mom or mom's boyfriend badmouth him.

momfortwo- we attended younger son's soccer game last Saturday; it was actually his 2nd game because 1st game (opening day) was on mom's day and she did not inform dad until the following Monday. Coach called dad's cell phone the night before, and made a big deal of thanking dad for showing up on day of. Mom has made it seem as if dad is simply disagreeable or not wanting son to be in soccer, which is not the case at all..dad is not going to make the child suffer because of mom's wrongdoing. As for the text messages, we do not have free text and she was running up our bill because she is virtually the only person text messaging our phones. After he had his messaging turned off, she started texting and calling MY phone.

tjk..i feel what you are saying. Dad  is trying to communicate with the coach and cut mom out of the equation entirely. We had filed for contempt on other matters (mom refusing to provide address and work schedule, not allowing dad ROFR), and recently got notice that the hearing was approved for November. Maybe dad can file something else before hearing about this as well.

mixed bag-our situation falls exactly in with what you are saying, so i can really relate. For example, over summer when the court evaluation was ongoing and dad's time was still severely limited (by previous do nothing judge), BM tried to force dad to sign a new stipulation, with threat of not allowing him to see the kids at all over the summer if he refused. Included in the stipulation was a page that stated:

"Dad will take children to all extra-curricular activities that are scheduled during his time. This includes but is not limited to practices, warm ups, soccer, winterball, tournaments, baseball, swimming, music, and any other activities children have been enrolled in. If dad is late or fails to take the children to any of these activities at any time, he will forfeit his parenting time from then on and mom will keep children during these activities."

She had also signed the children up for summer day camp that had field trips on dad's Wednesday visitation, so he lost his Wednesday visitation for the entire summer. The way mom has set it up, dad is in a lose/lose situation. Especially with the younger child, who is 9, and has been affected a lot worse by mom's alienating behavior than 13 y.o.

  Thanks to everyone for the great advice. It's such a relief to have found a place to come and look for advice and/or answers from people who are like-minded and understand what the real issue is..that being what's best for the children.

ocean-that is exactly what dad was thinking of doing, about the uniform..

So, the best approach is to support the kids, make every attempt to attend their activities unless we have some family event, and document in any way we can all the instances in which mom is breaking the court order. Eventually we will find our way back in court , that's a given ..

thanks guys

brwneyedmom- I understand what you are saying, and it's very unfortunate. I guess it would be easier if we were dealing with rational people who only wanted to do what is best for the children involved.

In our situation, Dad doesn't want to keep children from participating in the activities they enjoy, but he also doesn't want to send the message to BM that she can continue to disobey the court order and he will just go along with what she tells him to do. We thought she would do a turnabout and start abiding by the order after things went bad for her in court last month, but she has actually gotten worse. If an activity is going to be during dad's parenting time, he should be consulted with and given information so that he can be involved from the beginning if he so chooses. Instead, he finds out about it months later and after many practices and/or games, after mom has "gotten in good" with coach and other parents and badmouthed dad to everyone. The only reason he is getting information now is because the next game falls on a Saturday and it is dad's weekend. Several times the children have gone a whole season of swimming or baseball without dad even knowing they were enrolled; she would just say they were sick when an activity fell on one of his days, or remove them from school early on his visitation days. When we have attended games, we sat on the opposing team's side because there is a lot of gossip mongering and agressive behavior on her part.

Gestalt-we can ask the coach for a schedule, i don't think that would be a problem although we haven't had a chance yet because we are just getting the information about a game this Saturday. I think the bigger problem we are having is that she will continue to sign them up for activities and only tell dad once it interferes with his time, then demand he take them or he is a "bad father". She creates a very hostile environment for dad at these activities with her badmouthing of dad, at least in the past that has been the case. She will most likely "take over" the children during the activity; the children are very intimidated by her and it makes it very uncomfortable for dad and impossible to enjoy these activities with the children.

Also forgot to mention, 2 days ago was the first time dad is hearing about younger son being in soccer, and he has a game this Saturday during dad's parenting time.  According to mom he was in soccer or signed up BEFORE the court hearing on 8/19. Her justification for not telling dad about it before was that she didn't know what dad's new parenting time would be, so she didnt have to tell him. The order that was previously in effect stated she must consult with dad prior to signing the boys up for activities , it DOES NOT say only if the activities are during dad's time, so either way she was not following the court order. Dealing with this woman is so exhausting

  I have another question , err need you guys' advice on the best route of action. Order states bm to consult with dad prior to signing children up for any activities that would interfere with his parenting time. IF he agrees she will provide him a copy of schedules, etc..This has been an ongoing issue for years. Dad used to be very involved with childrens sports. Mom wants to be the focus and wants dad to have no part in childrens activities, so she signs them up, takes them to practices, works her way into being team mom/scorekeeper, and badmouths dad to all the parents. By the time dad gets the info he is already ostracized. I previously mentioned that dad had seen younger son in soccer gear at back to school night, and when he asked mom she snapped at him that "it's not your time", refusing to give him any information(this was on 8/27). Two days ago, dad received a text from mom simply stating younger son is in soccer and that he has to have him there 45 minutes before game (basically so she can take over and get him dressed/ready for game).  This is the very first we are hearing of it. Later she sent more texts with 5 dates/times. She left out dates/times for some of her weekends because she says that is her time and she doesn't have to tell him. He called her and explained to her what she is doing is not right and against court order. If she is going to sign the child up for something and dad is expected to take him during his time as well, dad should be involved from day one. BM sent several text messages bashing dad, calling him a selfish jerk and how he doesn't care about the children. Every time she does this she turns it around on dad saying he's selfish and not wanting the boys to enjoy their activities. Dad doesn't want to disappoint child by not letting him attend activity, but also doesn't want to continue this pattern where she gets away with breaking the court order. We were just in court last month, where she was painted in a very bad light in the evaluator's report and reprimanded by the commissioner, and she still won't follow orders.   She has already told the child dad doesn't want him to go, and put him on the phone last night in the middle of the disagreement to make dad feel bad. Our one concern, dad is afraid of going backwards if we end up back in court, because bm is threatening to have the commissioner removed from the case and go back to the previous judge, who was totally useless.

Any advice on what we should do now?

**on another note, dad had to call phone company to have all texting turned off on his phone last night, because mom is very abusive with text messages, running up our bill and refusing to talk to him by any other means. When he tried to call bm to discuss this issue with her,  she had her boyfriend answer and say "hang up a**hole and "jackass" to dad then hang up on him. We cannot block her cell # because it is the only number he has to call children on. She is still refusing to provide him with her current address or her work schedule.

Thanks curiousmom..dad's previous parenting plan along with the new court orders say the same thing..err, they actually seem to contradict each other. Old parenting plan says they are to consult in decision-making on all matters regarding school, doctors, and extracurricular activities. The new order says that mom is to consult with dad prior to signing the children up for any activities IF it will interfere during his parenting time. It goes on to say that IF dad agrees with said activities mom will provide dad with a schedule.

In the past she will sign him up and not tell dad until a game happens to fall on one of his days, ie. months after he's been playing whatever sport..I believe that is what she is doing now. She intentionally misinterprets the order and then plays dumb. The children are scared to give dad any info, and we do not drill them for it.