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I def. agree that kids that young shouldn't make the decisions. 

I have shared custoday of a 10 year old, week on week off and this past weekend she called and left me a message she does not want to be at her Dads and doesn't want to come back.  She also sent me an email and wants me to pick her up early.

I have spoken with daughter and said that I can't just intervene unless she is hurt, which she said she wasn't. Our agreement here is not in a CO, it's verbal, based on this weekend should I consider changing the current schedule?  We have tried this week on week off for about three and a half months now.  It was good at first, now daughter is feeling different, she does not get access to friends, extracurriculars other than the ones her Dad is involved, etc.  She is tired of the fighting between stepmom and her Dad, she says it's just stressful over there. 

I just don't know, she chose to do the week on week off to start off with, I am not sure if its a good idea to let a 10 year old dictate visitation but with whats going on I think  a court should intervene here, any thoughts?

So the other night I get home from shopping and I have a message from my oldest daughter saying she is riding the bus home to my house and that she doesn't want to go back to her Dad's anymore.

I call her back to see what has happened and she is very short on the phone with me and quiet and says I can't tell you now, I want you to come get me now but I don't want you to get hurt.  I do my best to reassure her that I will be fine but I needed to know if she was hurt.  She said no, then got off the phone really quickly.

In the process of getting myself together, thinking of what the best thing to do is, i wait about 15 minutes and then call her back.

When I did she seemed more able to talk. 

Here's what she said.  "I was late coming home from my friends house by 10 minutes, my Dad had gone looking for me with the baby but I cut through the neighborhood so he didn't see me walking.  i got home before he did. 

he is making me write a 5 page essay on disrepecting your parents and asked me to pick a number.  I picked 3, then he told me to go pick a belt and that I was going to get the belt 3 times.  I really want to come home"

In order to try not to butt in on his parenting I told her that trying to go back and forth between houses when she is in trouble isn't the way to deal with it.  I told her I didn't think Dad would really take the belt to her and that if she wanted to see me she could ask her Dad if she could come over after school via the bus to our house and I would take her back, but that she needed to talk to him not just come over.

I sent him an email about what I said to our child and put in there that I assumed the belt be a scare tactic.  He did not respond, which is fine with me.

Now, I don't parent this way and I do not tell my ex how to parent, he only been actively doing this for a short time but none the less it's his time.  I view belts and such as abuse and I feel that if our daughter came to me with marks on her I would have to report it.  Is this somethign that I need to wait for or should I bring this up if he and I make it back to coparenting therpay to prevent it?

I wish it were as easy as coparenting or a cease fire......We have been to coparenting therapy and even during that I got terrible emails.  The problem is he truly believes he is our childs voice, that she is afraid to talk to me about her desires and that I do not support her.  No amount of therapy for us is going to change that. 

My daughter and I go to therapy and that is just where we have to work at this point, He will not seek his own therapy for his own issues, much less reenter into therapy with me or step parents for that matter. 

I guess only time will tell.  Will be back here I am sure but I will do my best to be positive about the whole thing

Agreed....

Its interesting though, this time....I resent him several of his emails in response to his statements, etc.  Essentially showing him and proving to him certain things he was pointing out.  I wasn't harsh no nasty words or anything and he actually asked me to stop emailing him...... Now that we have both asked each other to stop emailing like this I hope things will level off.

On another note though.  Is is normal for a child who has shared parenting feel as if they need to separate the parents at all times?  Like not having both parents at sports events etc?

My daughter said it would be weird if I came to a practice while it was her Dads week, weird thing is, since her Dad lost his job he's been helping coach her team, so he's always there then she asked if both her Dads could go on a field trip....now how is it that's she is comfy with that and not with her and Dad and I being in the same place?

poor thing, I just wish I could erase the past 20 months  I wish her Dad and I could start over, things were pretty good when we first got here, then we actually had to parent together and it just fell apart

I was wondering if when you enter into a shared parenting time agreement and tax filing comes up, if one of the parents isn't working for that year, then is the other parent allowed to file?

Both parents are married, spouses are working, but not actual parents, would the tax filing then go to the step parents?  Thanks

Thanks guys, he called me a liar and it really got to me, we have only been coparenting for the past 20 months or so, we were out of state prior to that, and he was in prison so this is all new for me to deal with.

It is really hurtful when he says things like our daughter is afraid to talk to you, you never listen to what she wants, you always do what you want, etc etc.  It really PO's me, cause I live for all my children and support them all in the things they want, with motherly guidance of course, but really.....i know this sort of thing will never end and I do need to get a grip. 

I may try to post here, if that's ok...not sure if and when there will be anything new... I think this fire is out for a while at least.

Thanks for the support

ok, so I failed miserably at ignoring...uggggg.....must find a new way of communitcation, this email stuff is too easy to respond too, maybe phone would be better, that way I know with my family around I can keep my cool.

I am sure this will take some time and I like your idea of a separate email just for his stuff.

I was wondering if a CO can be detailed enough to prevent harrassing emails such as the ones I get?  I am getting better at ignoring however it does cause me great anxiety to the point I have had to go to my dr. with a panic attack, which she offered me medication for.......