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During the process my STBX has infriged on my rights when it comes to education.  She went behind my back and enrolled my son into a private Catholic school.  She hid this from me till about two weeks before the school started (only found out really because my son said something to his counselor).  I brought this up the the GAL (who did not seem concerned with this), I have sent e-mails to the STBX disaproving the school, and requesting information.  I never received anything from the STBX and then heard my son was participating in a fund raiser.  To check the valitity I called the school at whick time I found out about an open house that was going on in just a couple of days.  I went and talked to the teacher.  The teacher had told me that the STBX explicitly told her not to give me any of my son's school work even though I am a joint legal custodian (my attorney had to get involved but that didn't even change the school's position).  

Now all I have for documentation is my journal of events, e-mails I sent, and the letter my attorney sent to get the school to involve me in his education.

My questions:
Will this documentation be any where enough to show the court her inability to co-parent?

How do courts perceive parental practices that tries to eliminate one parent from a major decision, and practice in the childs life?

My children are not of the Catholic faith and the STBX does not practice religion at all.  How much of an impact will this have?

I have been keeping a journal of events with times and dates.  How do I get past this being a possible he said she said so the marital master understands what the STBX has been putting my kids through?

Another problem I have had with the counseling is the STBX loads the kids with what they are to say and not say and how to act.  My son is a mess because he is always walking on eggshells to make sure he says and does everything accoding to his mother.  I will get to take the kids to see the counselor on the first day I pick up the kids but at that point the kids are so pistle wipped by the mother they don't talk to her or even me.  I wish that I could take them after the second full day I have them but the office is closed at that time.  Any recomendations on how I can get the kids to open up with out distressing them?

I have gotten the kids into theropy, but the STBX plays that she is the victem.  I have supplies proof of neglect and abuse to the therapist, and when the children's theropist questioned my daughter about the abuse she even told the theropist the my wife cause the bruises around her neck and on her back.  The problem that I am having with the theropist is she says my story doesn't match to my STBX's story.  STBX goes in bosting me as a father, and I have brought examples of parenting problems that my STBX exibits.  I question the utility my kids are getting from her, but it took everything I had to get the STBX to agree to the kids seeing the counselor.

With an expert I would like to show PAS and abuse is there a specific child expert for that area?

I am new to the web site and have been trying to read as much as possible.  My divorce has been going on now for 8 months and my STBX is now getting extreemly nasty that the evaluation has been completed.

She is constantly making alligations that I am mental unstable, interigating the kids and the sitters.  Through out the eval her story was the opisite untill the very end when she found out through the GAL that I have pictures of bruises that she had left on my dauter from when she rang her neck and hit her in the back.  How do I fight these alligations?  I have talked to my attorney and he said they wont hold up because it is a he said she said, but is this true or am I in for it because I am daddy.

Another thing is she is now trying to turn my kids agenst me because the eval did not come out and say the mother should have primary custody (it recommended an joint equal time).  She has had a hard time convincing my son but I can see a difference in my daughter.  How do I prove that she is practicing PAS?  Do I need to get an expert witness and if I do what field should they be an expert in.

Any info would be great.  Thank you.

I respect your answer and don't denie that there is probably some level of PAS on both sides.  My argument though is that unless you presonally are going to wear the clothes the kids should be able to take possession of them and wear them any where including your house or the ex's.  

On the note of the postings that delt with clothes that are not seasonal, ratty, or just not the right size.  I read some where people were returning the kids in those clothes to prevent the ex from being able to use the new, seasonal, fit correctly clothes.  For those postings my argument is if you return the kid in the same ratty, unseasonal, incorrect fit clothes as they came, how are you any better than your ex.  A lot of you posted that you wanted to set an example of a better life style but by practicing that you don't.  You all basicly have explessed that you feel the ex is saving the good stuff for there house and using the incorrect clothes for transfer.  If you do the same you are no better that the ex and the kids will see that.  If you take the stance of, letting the kid take possession and wear nicer clothes back to the ex's the kid will feel that you are giving them some autonomy and freedom.  That the kid will respect and that will show the kid love.  

Another thing, by making a big stink of this especially to the ex, you are giving the ex the power they want.  I think a lot of you are missing the motivation the ex has.  A lot of the posting feel that the ex is doing this to suplement income so the child suport does not have to be used on clothes.  I think you are wrong.  I think the motivation is the ex knows this upsets you and is controlling your emotions through this.  The ex still has ill feelings towards you but the ex is not trying to get you back through money, but through knowing this upsets you.  It just happends that the way to your feelings is through your money.

When it comes to money just remmember that money is something we all want but non of us have, so what does it matter.

Bigfamily,
You have taken a lot of guff for your opinion on the kid's clothes.  I my opinion you are correct.  I fully expect mud thrown at me now too, but I have a big shield.  One thing I think a lot of the others are forgetting is when you buy these clothes your intent is for the clothes to be the kids, and you would allow them to wear them any where the kids want with the contingency it is with you.  That sounds selfish, and controlling!!  I look at it this way, if you and the ex were still married you would have no problem supplying these clothes plus addition money for the other parent to supply additional stuff, but now that the marriage has ended you want to set up traps for the ex to fall in to so it will put you up on a platform.  This sounds controlling and like PAS.  The clothes are purchased for the kids and unless you can wear them the clothes are now the possession of the kids and it shouldn't matter where they wear them in your custody or the ex's.

I also saw some of the replies that bothered me and I would like to comment;

>Sure, my daughter is 15 months old. I'm SURE she'll remember Daddy sported the Ralph Lauren and Mom bought at yard sales. My daughter has NO CONCEPT right now of what she's wearing....gimme a break.

Does it matter who supplied the better clothes?  Do you really think your kid cares who supplied the better clothes?  Do you really want to raise a materialistic child that will become selfish because se was taught to think some one is better because they pay more for their possession?

>They are MY clothes for HER. If you met my ex, you might agree she deserves nothing. Any woman who takes a child and secrets themselves and daughter from dad for 4 MONTHS deserves nothing. Me selfish???... ha ha, that's a joke pal. The ex is the most selfish self centered miserable human being I've ever met (now you can slam me for marrying her)

I understand you feel hurt but don't use the child to seek your revenge.  It was not you kid's fault that the mother kept you from them so don't make them suffer for it.

Remember raising a child is not about who can out do the other parent, but how to instill good values, morals, and make a well adjusted confident adult out of the mold.  By expecting the child to choose some one by how much they spend on them or what they give them will only corrupt the long term goal of raising a child.  

One important thing I remember from my attorney is that when people get married it is no longer mine it is ours.  That goes for everything unless you can negociate between something.  Even if you built it it was for both of you in the marriage for the future.  Now that the future has ended the court finds that both parties are entitled to theor fair share.  You maybe will be able to mediate between the things that she wants fully between the things you want fully other wise you each will probably wind up with half of everything.

This is the first time posting on the father's board; I have finalized my divorce back in April.  Now I am dealing with clean up and life.  The problem I am running into is differences of opinions with co-parent counselor and me.  I wonder some times if she is bias.  Here are the two situations:

One visit we were to discuss the children's involvement with the church.  Just to let you know I was awarded 50/50 physical with my residence being the children's residence.  So now they attend the church in my town, school in my town, and doctors in my town.  The X has just decided that she didn't want to take them to church any more, and that she didn't agree with Methodist because she was catholic.  I had to prove to the counselor that this was bull because the X may have been confirmed catholic but always practice Methodist by showing her the old Methodist marriage license and baptismal.  But none of that mattered the counselor still questioned me heavily of why I wanted them to participate in church.  The X didn't get questioned on anything.  It made me feel as if I was wrong for wanting this for the kids and she was right with out cause.

The other is during another visit we discussed how if one of us could not watch the kids, because we were out of town or had to work late that the other should be given the right to watch the kids.  This was originally brought up by the X during another visit.  I brought it back up because lately the X has been working a lot of night and has had her mother pick up the kids and watch them all night.  I told her I felt that if this was a constant schedule with work that I should be able to watch the kids because the kids should have at lease one parent involved with them.  I told her that if this was only every now and then that it wouldn't be a big deal for grandparents to take over a night here and there, but the grandparent shouldn't take the role of a parent.  Back when my X brought it up the counselor thought this was a good thing but when I brought it up it was not reacted upon the same light.  The counselor instead questioned me constantly about the affect this would have on the kids if I was to watch them the majority of the time.  I told her that it can't be too bad if the majority of divorces end with only one parent spending the majority of time with the child and that at least this would bring a sense of stability into the kids' life, instead of never knowing who is going to be there.  My X never got questioned the counselor just thought it was a good thing when she brought it up but not when I did.

Some history; the X has had a lot of problems with the kids.  She has not developed a relation with them partly because she does not spend time with them when they are with her, and the other part is that she puts her self first and her needs so the kids are always put on the back burner when with her.  Some examples; her BF has two older boys that always beat on the kids but the X never stops this from happening in fact she yells at her kids when it happens making them feel as if it was their fault.  

I guess what I am looking for is some reassurance that I am not as wrong as I feel, and also your opinion if the counselor is being bias.  Any help would be great.

I posted this on the custody board but was recommended to post this on the fathers board also.  Hope this can help some of you by giving you some insperation of what the fight is for.

Some of you may remember some of my postings, but I will give a little history just in case. This all started a year ago when I filed for a divorce from my wife. Just before I filed she had made a lot of threats that she would never allow me to see the kids again and then even tried to have a restraining order put on me by calling the police one night. Lucky for me the cops saw right through her. It has been a hard road I have had to hire two PIs, install nanny cams, record every phone call along with personal meetings, write a journal, had her attorney suggested to go in front of a professional conduct committee, and get people fired and arrested for illegal actions.

But after doing all this it has finally paid off. It put me in a place where she no longer wanted to fight me but meet my demands. We went to mediation this last Monday. We spent the entire day there because her attorney wanted to get this settled now so when we went to the hearing today for a reduction in child support we could just present this instead. They agreed to my terms and signed the agreement this morning. When my attorney and I went into court (her attorney and her left after signing, and left the hearing up to my attorney and me) I had my final trial instead of the hearing to reduce child support and the judge approved the final stipulation. Even though it was just I and my attorney the judge still made me take the stand.

Now I feel like a new man. My custody is joint legal with 50/50 physical, but the kids have to attend my school district and if the mother moves more than 45 miles from my residence she will forfeit her physical custody time. I don't pay any alimony, very little child support (I agreed to give her some even though are incomes are equal because she has racked up so much debt that she has had to move into low income housing and may have to file bankruptcy), and I didn't get stuck with any of her debt. I feel like a million dollars today.

My attorney said that he will take this as a win. He told me after words that he felt this was the best out come we could have gotten; because when we had started I didn't have much if any hard evidence. He said it was all my hard work, two PIs, and a ton of research that moved us from a very defensive position to being able to plan our future.

The judge was very happy that we could solve this during mediation, and she even gave me a hats off for how far I have come.

I just thought I would share this high moment of mine with all of you, because if it wasn't for this site and a lot of your suggestions I don't know if I would have made it this far. Thank you very much for all the support.