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Topics - BeKind

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Parenting Issues / Child missing school
« on: Dec 05, 2012, 09:58:02 AM »
My ex would like to schedule a last minute trip out of state to visit family this weekend during my scheduled time. His grandfather, our son's great-grandfather, has had health issues for the last few years and has been in and out of the hospital during this time. Apparently recently it seems as though this may be the end. I told him I am willing to allow him to take our son, under certain terms. I asked that he not miss school since I know the flight is really only about an hour out and back, and they will be out visiting in just a few weeks for Christmas as well. Our son just missed a day of school last week due to an ear infection and high fever (kindergarten). I also asked that the make up days be agreed upon ahead of time and that everything is put in writing as well as that I am provided with an itinerary. All of this is standard from our CO.

My question, however, is regarding school. He states that if it were on his time, he could have our son miss school for whatever amount of time and I would have no say in it. We have 50/50 joint physical and legal custody. I understand it is only kindergarten, but I do feel education is very important and have an issue with him not discussing something like that with me prior to. Are there any general rules about this that I should be aware of? Any thoughts or suggestions how to appropriately discuss this with him? As it stands, he is going off on me just about the trip, so I don't plan to bring it up right now, but would like to try to have a discussion with him regarding it in the future when he has calmed down.

Visitation Issues / Make up days for being sick
« on: Nov 30, 2012, 09:49:27 AM »
Our CO states:
It is further ordered, adjudged and decreed that in the event any scheduled custody time cannot be kept due to illness or an emergency involving the child and/or the parent, the parent unable to comply with the custody schedule will notify the other parent and child as soon as possible. In the event the time-shared arrangement cannot be kept due to the illness or other unavailability of the child, the receiving parent shall be entitled to comparable time within thirty (30) days after the occurrence of such missed time with the child.

I was sick with strep throat for 4 days. Due to the Thanksgiving holiday, I had my son extra time as is per our CO. So now we are down to only one week that is available for me to use for my make up days within my 30 days. I have offered to take them connecting to my next week with our son, rather than connecting to the Thanksgiving break that I have already had him so as to not keep him from his dad for 2 straight weeks, and even offered to allow his dad to pick him up for 2 hours to take him to dinner one day so it wouldn't be so long without seeing him. My ex, however, is arguing that I do not get to choose what days I take our son. He wants me to break it up and basically go every other day back and forth. If he weren't in school (Kindergarten), I really wouldn't have an issue, but we have a hard enough time trying to keep track of everything back and forth as it is with school. Can anyone tell me if he gets to choose when the make up days are or do I? I gave him two options and told him he could choose which would be more convenient in trying to appease his arguments. Just trying to prepare for the legal response if he continues to argue.

Also, I haven't been around in quite some time, so I'll have to do an update on here fairly soon! So much has changed over just the last few months, and I just want to say how grateful I am to everyone who has answered my questions and given advice in the past.

General Issues / Communicating with ex
« on: Jul 01, 2012, 06:15:15 PM »
When I divorced my ex, I limited the ways he could communicate with me to a house phone (which is forwarded to my cell phone) and email due to harassing text messages and his anger issues. Thus far, there has been no issue with this. I call his cell phone to speak to our son, but any communication we have between us is limited to email. As of today, he made the statement that all emails will now be set to auto-delete and that the only way I can communicate with him is via phone. Any suggestions on how to go about this? I use the email to keep track of everything and also because any changes to our CO have to be in writing, and mainly to avoid the arguments that happen whenever we speak to each other. This is definitely going to be an issue.

Custody Issues / Moving out of state
« on: Jun 23, 2012, 03:39:24 PM »
As part of our divorce decree, we would have to go back to court if one of us wants to move out of state. We currently have 50/50 split custody of our son. I was recently laid off from my job, and am looking at jobs out of state now as there really isn't much here within my career field, and it would be much better financially and in terms of stability if I were to move. Has anyone had any experience in trying to get custody changed to move out of state with your child? He is about to start school in a few months (kindergarten), so that really wouldn't play an issue just yet. Also, as part of our agreement, I am to request this from my ex first before going to the court for the change in custody. I know he will not agree, so this is more of a formality. Any suggestions on how to word this or what to include in it?

Visitation Issues / Vacation time
« on: Jun 11, 2012, 11:08:25 AM »
Our order reads as follows:

Provided it causes no disruption to the child’s schooling, each parent shall
be allowed to have the child for up to fourteen (14) days each year during
their respective vacations, with at least thirty (30) days notice to the
other parent.
Prior to leaving for vacations, the parent taking the child with him/her
will provide the other parent with a travel itinerary to include dates of
travel, destination, location, and telephone number where the child can
be reached.

As it stands, my ex has given me the 30 day notice, and I agreed to those dates. He still has not provided the itinerary. He is now asking to pick our son up this Thursday as the dates he requested begin Friday. I still do not have an itinerary of any sort. He also told our son's daycare that he would not be there even a few days following the requested vacation dates. I asked him about this as those are actually my days, not his, when he returns. I want to be sure that the dates he chose to travel are still the dates that he originally requested from me, but he never gives me an answer. If he does not provide me with the itinerary by Thursday, do I still have to allow him to take our son? My scheduled time with him is actually until Sunday.

Shrink Rap / BPD, NPD
« on: Jun 05, 2012, 03:57:52 PM »
I am hoping someone may have some insight into this. I have been dealing with my ex-MIL making statements that I am bipolar and have borderline personality disorder and now most recently narcissistic personality disorder. There was a protective order put in place due to this among multiple other actions of hers. I do, however, have concerns that this could be brought up in future family court custody issues. Is there any way I can go about having a psychological study done on myself to prove that I suffer from no such illnesses? I want to be prepared in every way possible because I have a feeling she is going to file for grandparents' rights in the future, as well as I know my ex wants to change our current 50/50 custody arrangement when he plans to move out of state next year.

Parenting Issues / Child psychologist/counselor?
« on: May 31, 2012, 10:43:26 AM »
My son will be 5 in a few weeks. My ex and I share joint custody 50/50. I have had some issues with him making inappropriate comments to our son in regards to my relationship with my now boyfriend as well as disparaging me directly to our son. This has continued on for a few months now. Last night, my son asked if we could talk about his feelings. I was surprised, but so happy he felt he could come to me with things that were bothering him. He then told me about more things his dad had said to him when he was at home and told me they upset him and make him sad. I am considering taking him to speak to someone just to get a professional opinion on how much this is affecting him and possibly some recommendations on what I can do. I have emailed his father every time we have an incident like this, but it never changes his behavior. Has anyone else used a child psychologist or counselor of some sort for this? Is there someone I should go through for the court for this or any other options? I am sure this will all end up in court again in the near future, as we have both mentioned changing our custody arrangement and my ex has plans to move out of state in approximately one year. I just want to be sure that I am doing what is best for my son, but also that if this should come up again in the future, I am also going by what the court recommends. Any thoughts or suggestions? Would a psychologist be who I need to speak to or someone else? I just want to have someone talk to him and evaluate where he is at with everything and then take it from there if they feel he needs counseling or that we should have some sort of family sessions.

Child Support Issues / Child Support Modification?
« on: May 16, 2012, 02:28:45 PM »
My ex and I currently have 50/50 joint physical and legal custody. We divorced just a few months ago and during our mediation I agreed to no child support in order to get everything over with as it was a very volatile agreement process. He currently makes almost twice what I do. I am not overly concerned with the issue yet but as I foresee us back in court for other custody matters, I wanted to get an idea of how this works should I ever try to have the child support agreement modified. We are in NV as I am sure that plays a part. What constitutes a review or modification of the child support obligations? Does there need to be a significant change in circumstances or one of our employments?

Custody Issues / High Conflict Ex
« on: May 08, 2012, 04:42:22 PM »
I have been divorced for a few months now. We have an almost 5 year old son and have joint physical and legal custody. 50/50 one week on, one week off arrangement. I have so much on my mind about this I am grateful to have found this forum.

1. My ex is an extremely high conflict person. I am completely the opposite and avoid conflict in every manner. I feel sometimes as though it is impossible for us to co-parent. I have limited any conversation between the two of us to only being about our son and only through email. I had to change my cell phone number just to avoid his harassing text messages. I have also had issues with his mother, including a protective order. I live with my boyfriend, whom my son loves, but this arrangement is just another thing that my ex has an issue with. My ex has repeatedly said inappropriate things to our son regarding my bf, including asking if he "touches him" which upset my son extremely. One instance, my son told my ex that my bf had spanked him (which he never has, they are never alone together as I understand this is a concern of my ex's) and later my son admitted he was lying. Upon hearing this, I spoke to my son regarding how his lies can hurt people and that he needs to be sure to tell the truth but that he could always tell me if anything ever bothered him or if anyone ever hurt him, including my bf. My son has actually asked that we no longer talk about my bf, to which I completely respect. I can tell he honestly feels put in the middle of it. Any time my ex and I have anything to discuss regarding our son, it always ends in emails with him calling me names, insulting myself or my bf, etc. I have repeatedly asked him not to do that and do not respond any further if he cannot have an appropriate conversation. I keep documentation of EVERYTHING, including recording every pick up/drop off of our son. There is always conflict, of which I can prove absolutely none is brought upon by me. My bf completely stays out of it and has zero contact with my ex in any way. My question here is, are there any suggestions of ways to get him to come around to putting our son first and stop with all of the conflict? If not, what can I do about this legally? I expect in the near future he is planning to move out of state which will require us to go back to court as is in our divorce agreement.

2. We constantly have issues over our custody arrangement. As stated, it is 50/50 with one week on, one week off. We also have a holiday schedule. Any time there is a holiday schedule change, I email him asking how he would like to arrange for exchanging our son, most times we usually just have the receiving parent pick him up from daycare that day. I am the kind of person who likes everything to be planned out ahead of time so we don't run into these conflicting situations. He continues to not want to abide by the court agreement, so we end up going back and forth about it for days. We currently have the issue of Mother's Day as our agreement states I will have our son the Friday before Mother's day after school recesses until 6pm on Mother's day. As our son is not yet in school, he is arguing about the time we exchange him.

We also have the issue of right of first refusal. I have only needed to use a sitter twice since our divorce, both times I gave him right of first refusal and let him take our son overnight, even though I only needed someone for a few hours. So in essence, I am giving him more time than I would have had him at a sitter. He constantly has a changing work schedule which means working nights at least 1-3 nights per week. He almost never gives me right of first refusal for this even though it is stated in our decree. What can I do about this? I have documented each time as well as emailed him about it as soon as I found out that my son was with someone other than me, particularly when I had time off from work. He has also done this when our son's daycare lady was out of town and did not notify me. I mainly have an issue with when he works nights as I don't want my son sleeping at someone else's house and being taken home in the middle of the night when he could be with me in his own bed. At what point do I say enough is enough and have him held in contempt for not following the agreement? Is there anything else I can do?

3. My ex is in the military and has plans to get out in the next year. I know his intentions are to move back to where his family is. I currently have an issue with my ex's mother. There was a temporary protective order in place for stalking and harassment. We recently went to court over this, to which the judge issued a verbal order that she is not to contact me for the next few months until we go back to court again. We do have it written into our agreement that if one of us wants to move out of state, we have to go back to court. So I know I can expect this. What should I be doing in the meantime to prepare for this?

4. I constantly feel as though I need to give in to what my ex wants, just to avoid the impending conflict and arguments. I try my hardest to comply with his requests, ie. limiting video game time, having our son call him before bed each night (which I am not required to do), etc. Nothing in particular that I really disagree with. I just feel like he has so much control over my life, moreso than even when we were married. How do you separate all of this but still coparent and try to avoid the constant arguments that he starts?

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