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Hi Soc,

All parties in PA.  I am NCP mom. There are two children involved: Son 15 and daughter12.  I have the children only EOW and half of all Summer and hoildays. This is by Court Order. All of my attempts to gain more parenting time have been strenuously blocked by CP.

Both children are involved in scouting.  CP is on the board of the boyscouts.  SM is the girl scout leader.  Many activites are scheduled for my weekends.  Normally I would participate with the children; however, I have a physical disability which now prohibits me from hiking and camping.

I dislike continually loosing parenting time for camp outs etc. when I know that the children often do not attend when CP has custody of them.  I have requested that he allow me make up time if I am going to loose an entire weekend due to a scouting activity but he has refused.

Our judge is very pro scouts.  Time had been taken from me for girl scout camp with out make up in the past.  This was effected during a custody confrence.  There was no hearing on the issue.

This ended when I volunteered to be the camp nurse and the CP suddenly had a prepaid "family" vacation that my daughter had to go on.  To get her out of camp with me the ex brought evidence that the girl scouts have many different opportunites for camp and so I should just take her to one on one of my weeks.

We, of course, stated that then they could just take her on one of their weeks and then I would not have to miss my parentng time.  Unfortunately, the Boy Scouts do not have as much flexibility.

Questions:  

1. If I do not allow my son to go to a scouting activity on my time can the judge make me let him go without make up time?

2. Is it relevant that the CP does not take the son to all boy scouting activites during his parenting time?

3. Is it proper for the CP  to make the decision on whether or not son goes to an activity without consulting me but I must either yeild to what the CP wants or end up in court?

4. If #3 is No then what is my legal remedy?

All parties in PA.  I just discovered that 15 year old son worked for one week without proper documentation.  He did activites on the job which children under 16 are not allowed to do and worked later than allowed by law.  CP was aware and allowed this to happen.  The job only lasted one week as it was temporary and seasonal.

Questions:

1.Is this an issue that could have a bearing on custody?

2Who is liabel if a child in this situation sustains a serious work related injury?

Hi Soc.
I posted a couple of weeks ago about getting a deviation form PA child support guidelines due to my only income being less than $1000 per month from a Long term disability insurance policy I had through my work.  

You told me for child support reasons my earning capacity would be zero due to my documented disability.  You also said the money I get would not be income but would be compensation for a loss. PA CSE says it is income and my attorney agrees.

CSE wants to attach my checks for $150 a month current support and arrears of $15 from Oct which is when I became eligible.  I had to be eligible for a whole month before I got a check.  Check and confirmation of the acceptance of my claim didn't come until mid Novemeber.

The only income in my hosuehold is the disabilty insurance and we have two additional kids.  CP makes $60,000/yr and is reportedly selling items on ebay without reprorting that income.

I would like to appeal this award.  I have no other way of increasing my income.  I cannot work.  My DH is also medically unable to work.  We have two children born of our marriage living here full time.

I provide all clothing and boots, snowsuits etc for the children receiving support from me when they visit.  I only have them for four days per month ( EOW half of all holidays and Summer).  Cp sends nothing for them.  I am willing to make an in kind contribution in the way of groceries in the amount of $150.

I have fought tooth and nail for more time which CP fights at every turn.  I have never been proven unfit.

Kids often bring documentation from thier school cafeteria about having been extended credit becasue CP did not refill their lunch account.  Their clothing is all second-hand. Yet CP bought a high priced SUV and a 40 ft camping trailer within the last two years.

Questions:
1. Can you direct me to case law that says my insurance payments are compensation for a loss and not income.

2.Would I be entitiled to a deviation due to the factt hat DH is medically unable to work and so there is nothing else we can do to improve our situation and we have two more children to care for.

3.Can CSE charge me arrears for October when my claim was not approved until November?

4.Due to the disparity in incomes between my household and the CP's household is there anyway to get a deviation?

5.Does PA allow "In kind" payments such as groceries.

6. Can I somehow be given credit for the items I must purchase for the children while they are here?

All parties in PA. Legal custody is shared jointly. CPBD andNCPBM attended a recent doctor's appointment with 15 year old son.  During the appointment BD states that when he checked son in at front desk he learned that the child's address had been changed to BM's addy.

When the doctor reviewed the file he found documentation that the addy had been changed 18 months before but no documentation as to why or by whom.

The date was the date that BM had gotten medical insurance for the child and had provided billing info to doctor's office as she was the Primary insured.  BM did not ask to have the child's addy changed.  BM did not even know that the change was made and child had not been to this doctor during this time frame.

BD was highly upset and blamed BM in front of docotr and child for the change.  BM tried to explain that it was probably due to the insurance which she no longer has and so it should not be an issue.
BD proceeded to ask docotr for a letter sent to himself stating that the addy was changed and the date.

Today BM received a letter from the doctor's offce.  It reads:

TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN:

RE: CHILD'S NAME

Child's Name's address was changed to BM'S address on XX-XX-XX.  This address is now amended to be BD's address; and will be in force unless amended by the father.

Sincerely,

The Doctor

This CP is reluctant to give NCP any information regarding the children.  He has violated numerous court order's involving educational info which he has not shared.  The Judge's view is that this is not contempt because BM can get the info herself.

When BM contacts school's BD calls schools and reads them the riot act telling them that it stresses the children for the BM to have the info and that He will provide it but he doesn't.

Questions:

1.  Can the BD take BM to court over this address change?

2. Can BD have control over the addresses listed in the kids files at school or doctor's?

3.  If there is a change of custody would the court order determine the children's address or would the father still have to amend the address?

4. What advice do you have for me to enable me to get info about the children in the face of so much difficulty by the CP?

Soc,

I am NC mom in PA.  I recently became medically disabled.  My Dh is medically unable to work.  We have two children living with us full time.  I pay support for two more children.  Our only income is less than $1000 from my  disability pay.

Will I be allowed a deviation based on the low income with two more children to support?  

Hi Everyone!

I posted this to Soc but wanted to get feed back from other parents.

I am NCP mom.  We share joint legal custody.  Cp has never in 7 years ever provided any educational info.  I always get it right from the school.. CP trys to frustrate this when he can( ie, tells teacher it is too stressful for child to bring info to me). Then I have to redo my whole method of getting the info.

Report cards came out two weeks ago.  I usually get a copy about three days after in the mail.  This time I didn't get one.  I called the school and they said theyd mail one.  However, I did get a copy emailed to me from CP.  I have no idea of why this is.

Anyways, the copies are different.  The actual grades and teachers names are the same but there is a handwritten comment froma teacher in copy emailed by CP that isn't on copy mailed form school.  Also, the use numerical comment codes.  One of them is different on copy from Cp than from school.  There is no code key oneither copy so I do not know what any of the numbers mean.  The issue date is the same on both.  But it is obvious there aren't photcopies.  Also, the form is different in that some of the columns are transposed.

Needless to say there is NO trust between CP and myself.  I just want accurate info about our child.  Ihave no idea where the school stands on tis.  Ths is the first year my son attended there.

Has anyone had this happen to them?

If so how did you handle it?

Hi!  I'm new here.  I'm a NCP mom.  I have four kids: son15, daughter12,son6,and daughter2.  The youngest two are from my second marriage and live full time with DH and myself.  Older two have been involved in custody battle for 6 years.  BD and SM have physical, legal is joint.  We have had a nightmare for all 6 years.  Recently since an order barring the older kids from spending more than one hour alone with DH has been lifted the PAS has hit fever proportions.  I never get telephone calls from the kids when they are not in my custody.  I have only EOW,half of all holidays and half of Summer when the ex doesn't deny.

Here is my question.  For the last two visits I have requested that the kids call me one time per week during the two weeks they are gone.  If they don't call. they get no priviledges while they are here.  We did it last visit.  My son wanted to go out with a friends I said." Sorry no calls no priviledges."  He tried to get the other kids mom to get me to back down.  I held firm.  He said, "Next time I'm making the calls" but he didn't.  Visitation is coming this weekend.  I know he wants to go to a party but I am determined to stand firm.  Do you all think this is reasonable?

I feel like the minute  they leave my house I cease to exsist until they come back.  They seem to think I exsist soley for their convince.  I feel disrespected!  

Their dad will say, " you can call your mom"  but his actions ( which speak way louder than his words say don't you dare call her.  The kids thinkthe sun rises and sets in BD and SM even though there is little evidence they do anything for the kids.  The kids never have friends over at dad's.  They claim they are always "busy" going to meetings( adult things like  civic groups) and home party plan party ( SM sells one of those lines and daughter's whole social life is attending these "parties" and the kids actually seem the love it. At least that is what they told the psych.  Up until I started the phone calls for priviledges deal they spent time here with friends, going to movies having sleepovers and seemed to enjoy that.  They never even ask dad if they can have a friend over over at dad's because they are too "busy".  Yet as I said dad and SM are "da bomb" and I am a wothless piece of you know what.

Had eval done this Summer but evaluator did not think PAS was going on.

I am NCM of two teens.  DS 17 and DD 14.  PAS is huge in my case.  Ihave maintained relationships with both kids only becasue I really work at it.  I see the EOW alternating hoildays adn half of summers.  Their father lives about 30 minutes from me.

By history my relationship has beens tongest with DS.  DD is very sneaky.  Very much pulled inot SM's family who are all in on the PAS.

Lately we have been going thru another round of false allegationsh by Dad.  Frist he reported us to CYS.  Report unfounded.  Then six days after the case was closed he accusedmy Dh of driking and driving the kids around in a car.  There was an adult present during this even.  It was a two hour weeknight visit which I had requested be changed as I have begun graduate studies at auniversity and needed to be in class. I spoke with the children that evening from the university at 6:20PM.  They said the visit was going well adn nothing was amiss.  At 7:15PM my Dh got a call from the dad who said eh was in our town adn would DH want him to swing by adn pick the kids up from ur home instead of having to drive them to the drop off point.  DH declined saying he would be happy to meet X anywhere in town but did ot want him att he house.  They aregeed to a meeting place adn DH drove the chilren there on time at 8PM.

A few days later X has my attorney served with a petiton declaring that the children had called him for an early pick up due to my DH being frunk and them being scareda dn that the visit ahd terminated early. WTH?  That isn't how it went down at all.

SO we wait to hear when there will be a hearing and a month goes by.  FInally we get an order suspending my parenting time pending a hearing on the issue.

I call my attoeny who cliames he never realized theorder called for suspended paretning time.  She calls the judge.  The judge is floored.  He thought he just signed a scheduleing order for the hearing.  My visits were restored with an order for one make up visit to compensate for the ne I lost in the confusion.

So kids come last weekend for the first visit back after all this mess.  hearing is scheduled for Nov 30.  I spoke with them about any discomfort wit the visit an they tell me their dad told the the visits were stopped due tot he judge worringi about thier saftey here.  Dad never gave them any explanation about why they were coming back prior to the hearing.  And it was a long weekend to boot.

SO Iexpalined that they judge adn't read the order carefully enough and had not ever meant to suspend the visits in the first palce adn that he just corrected his error,

My 14 year old DD stayed in her room all weekend!  She had to be coaxed out for meals.  SHe was talkative if I went in to speak to her which iI did often but this is not her usual way of relating to me or the rest of our family.  I have two other kids with my DH.

While she was in her room she seemed to enjoy time on the computer adn watching TV.  She didn't seem like she was upset about anyhtng .

At one point i went in to talk to her adn was telling her I wanted to remain a part of her life becasue I love her adn want to be there for hier in good times adn bad.  her dad had failed to inform me of a banquet honoring her for academic acheivement which had taken place two days prior to thier visit.  My DS had told me about being made to attend in my place adn this is what brought up the whole topic.

Anyways, she refused to look at me while I spoke. I turned her chair towards me but she kept turning so she didn't meet my eyes as I spoke.  It was heartbreaking.  It was obviously very hard for her to hear what I was saying.

WHo can give me some advice for the next visit?  It will be a long Thanksgivign visit.  And to make matters worse, our family dog just died today.  My DD loved that dog.

How can I get her to engage more with the family next visit?  Any advice for dealing with the death of the dog?

I am NCM.  I get my children EOW during the school year and every other week in the summer. I am never allowed any extra time or compensatory time for when the children's activites take up parenting time.

Dad has a history of interfering with parenting time by enrolling kids in activites that use up my time adn not allowing any compensatory time.

On the Friday before my second week of the summer at 4:45 PM i got an email from X stating that I had to make a physical for DS so he could attend scout camp.  The camp was the very NEXT week after my custody week.  The news of the physical being needed was first disclosed to X in April.  he "forgot" and was notified the Wednesday before he emailed me.

I had to change my plans for the children and forgo a trip out of town to accomplish getting the physical done.

Dad did not notify me that the doctor's contact info had changed due to a change in the practice.  He admits he recevied a letter informing him adn he admits having had the doc send me a letter stating that only HIS addy be allowed in the children's medical record.  SO there is no way for me to get the info about how to contact the doc except thru him adn he didn't provide it.

I love parenting my children. i do not mind that I had to make the appointment for the physical.  But I feel dad shirked his responsibilties and dumped them on me.  And I had to change plans to take the children out of town due to son needing the phyisical on such short notice.

Please provide any advice you have on how to deal with this last minute dumping of responsibilites in the future.
Please understand...this is not a one time thing.  I am regulary told to make appointments that X could well have made during his custodial periods.  I am also the parent most likely to notice when the children need medical care and to arrange for it.

Hi!

My NC kids will be coming for summer vistation tomorrow.  Their Cp adn I live approximately 30- 40 miles apart.  In the past they have insisted on going to meetings two to three times a week in thier Cp's home town.  These are Fire comapny and boy scout meetings.

The meetings last for about 90 minutes.  So if I take the childrena nd drop off I barely get home before ihave to go back to pick them up.  if I stay then I am lost to my other two children for two to three evenings a week becasue I have to leave home by 6:30 PM and don't get back til 9:30 or even 10:00 PM.

This is quite disruptive.  I mean, when do I get to have parenting time with my children?  Their Cp shows up at these meetings to "see the kids".  There is PAS in my case adn when the kids see CP they immediately get an attitude.  The meetings seems to be spaced so that Cp doesn't go more than 48 hours without seeing the kids.

I have thought about just not allowing the meetings this summer.  My DD will have a whole week of band camp in August plus every Thursday night practices and son works at a theater during the day and that will be three times a week.  I will be providing transportation for those things.

Plus at nearly $3 a gallon for gas it's gonna be expensive doing all this driving.

Has anyone had any expereince with this? Itsnot that I wanna keep the kids from doing what they want to do.  But sheesh, we do we get time to be a family?  

If I allowed all the activites I would be gone ( and them too) Monday evenings, Wednesday evenings adn Thursday evenings.  it would be a minimum of 60 miles each trip or 120 if I came home during the meeting.  So at the minimum it would be 180 miles a week, jsut for metings.  And then all the time lost from being a family.

I am NCP.  CP will not work with me on anything.  Hoilday visit where we have to divide up days on our own are always a real cluster-you know what.  Christmas is coming again.  CP will never advance to me a suggestion for how to divide the kids time.  When I offer a suggestion he immediatly disagrees and offers some version which splits up the days as much as possible.  Last year it took three months to divide up four days.  All the other days were either court ordered or were our weekends.

My question:  Would I be with in my rights to just get the kids on Christmas ( my holiday this year) and then email him with the time I will return them?

I am a NCM.  I have two NC kids- son almost 18 and DD who is 14.  PAS is huge in my case.  i only see them EOW and half of summers/hoildays.

I am remarried adn my Dh has several health concerns.  We have two children who are our bio kids and live here, with us full time. Dh had a bit of a past about ten years ago but is much better off now.  He is however X's scapegoat for why our marriage failed and his history is a constant source of various examinations by psychologists, custody evalautors adn now a new GAL the judge appointed in our case.

My NC kids have been put in the middle so badly that our relationship has suffered terribly but they both claim they do not want to stop visits.

Last week end after they left my husband found a one inch thinck file of his past medical records under my DD's mattress!  Nothing the courts don't already know about, just eds perscribed, discharge dates and some notes he wrote himself while he was hosipilatized- again nothing to cause any exparte hearings.

We fel horribly violated.  These kids do thier dad's bidding without thinking while protesting that they love me. ihave ben open with them about my Dh's history and am willing to discuss things with them but they never ask and if I do bring things up they don't want to discuss them.

I wouldlove to think the records were putt here by DD so she could do "research " on her own to better understand DH, but deep down I know it is probably more nefarious than that.

Advice please.  I see my children on Tuesday and am seriously considereing suspending visits but k ow that I'll never get them back if I do that.  I have requested counsleing wihtthe kids for years but they claim they don't want to go and they judge says they shouldn't need ot do what they don't want to do.  The GAL thinks the kids are great and I'm nuts.  I am torn, angry and really at loose ends over this.

We have been separated/divorced for nine years.  We have two children DS 17 DD 14.  We have been to court os often I considered going to law school.  So far we have had two cusotdy evlautions, ran through two mediators and now have a counsleor for Cp and me (NCM).


Cp does not want me in the children's lives.  Ihave been fighting for nine years to maintian realtionships witht he children.  Both CP adn I have remearried.  The kids hated his new wife when she came on the scene adn movedin, literaly adn figuartively.  I encouraged them to get along with her.

My new husband has a serious mental health condition.  In the past he had been violent although not against me. We also have two children to gether.  A DS 8 and DD 4.  Both of our children flourish in our home.  My DH is a stay at home dad and I am a grad student working part time.  I suffered a disabilng back conditon.  Prior to this I was a psychiatric nurse adn parent educator for 25 years.

X calls CYS on us and makes all sorts of false accusations.  The most recent call was this past summer when my DH had to be voluntairily admitted to a mental health hospital for a change in his medication regime.  X's cry was "He's unstable, myhcildren are scared to death!."  Cys found us in need of NO SERVICES and closed the case.

Six days later, after refusing to change a night for weekenght visit to accomadate my classs chedule my X filed a petiton stating the children told him my DH was drinking during thier visit and that they were afraid for thier saftey.  They said they called dad for an early pick up.  My DH says my X did call here adn asked if he could pick the kids up at our home but Dh said, "anywhere but here adn they argeed on a convience store about a .25 miles away.  We do not generally allow X on our propety due to his propensity to make false allegations.  We prefer to do excahnges where there are wintesses.  The judge has affimred this by order to exchange at a specific point.  But we have doen excahnges in other pubil places when it was more convinent.  My Dh adn my aunt who was here for the entire vist say the visit ended exactly on time adn that no drinking had occurred.

X's oetition asked for vists to be ssupended pending the hearing.  The judge didn't realize he suspended the visits when he scheduled the hearing.  OC had included a draft order adn the judge signed it without reading it.  I lost one visit when I found out I called my attorney who callthe the judge the next Monday dn the judge recinded this adn gave me a make up weeknd to return things tot the staus quo.  Visits have been rocky since htis happened.  Prior tot hat including the weeknd following the supposed drunk driving fiasco my kids came for thier visits and seemed happy.  Had friends stay in our home with them for weekends, inculded Dh and the tow younger kids in a skating party we had for DD's 14th Bday. In short they showed no fear at all.  But in court they tell the judge all sorts of fantasitc tales that dad has primed them up for.

We went to court for the hearign on this petiton this week.  Judge appointed a GAL for the children.  Nothing was changed in the order.  X had beens eeking for the hcildren not to spend time with Dh alone.  We wnet thru that during the first custody eval. I had to hire caregivers to stay in myhome while I worked although when the NC kids weren't here Dh stayed alone with our own tow younger, more vuleralbe kids.  Once the $$$ for the caregivers was coming out of the child support I paid X an evalaution was ordered which said DH was capable of taking care of all four kids while I was away formt he home.  That was three years ago and X has never been able to accept it.

So what I am seeking here is any advice anyone can offer on using a GAL.  The GAL will be an attorney and the judge tells me he will have the authority to invstigate the children's concerns.  Judge said, "The GAL will be for the kids but it won't be a process they are in charge of"

X had a tendency to show children all court documents.  He shows them emails betweenhe adn I and they claim to have read emails between me adn my attorney but refuse to say how they accomplished this. Dad tells them his version of everythign that ever goes on in custody confrences or hearings of any kind.  he doies this in the name of keepingthe hcildren informed.  I am the oppoiste adn when questioned about why I am doing such and such legally will say,"Its an adult matter adn I will work it out with your dad. I am doing it becasue I think its best for you."  The kids see this as me lying to them.

All parties in PA.  Court order states:

"It is anticipated that the parties minor son is to attend boyscout camp the third week of every summer.  The parent who was to have had custody that week shall have two overnights the following week to ensure that three weeks will not pass without that parent seeing the minor child."

My X gets the make up time this year.  In the past Ihave had to chase him down to get him to tell me when he's taking his overnights or if I get the time to try to get him to agree on which two night I can take.

This year I figured, he should be responsible to contact me for his own make up time.  he called me this AM, severn hours before I am to get custody to tell me that Ihave a choice:  Either he takes Sunday/Monday or Friday/Saturday.  

Ihave many plans made this week for the children. I told him I htought it was rather late notice adn that Ihad Tuesday and Thursday available for him to havehis make up time.

We live only about thirty miles apart, so distance is not an issue.  X also works in my town and comes over everyday.

Am I wrong to think that since he waited so long to contact me that I should get to decide which days he gets as make up?

I have a history of being super flexible.  It has never been rewarded by like behavior from the X who tends to be controlling and demanding.

What's the best way to stop getting waled on adn run over?

I am a NCM.  I have joint legal and shared physical custody.  Son is subject of an IEP.  He entered 9th grade last year.  It was a rough year.  He got mostly A's in English class but it was due to Acclerated Reading ( basically book reports) when these scores where not figured in he was only getting 60 -65%.  He failed his midterm and his final.  He also had difficulty with Math.

Father has not accepted son's need for an IEP.  He still thinks I have paid the four professioanls who say he needed one.  The year before last father had him evaluated and that Educational Psychologist said son did not need IEP.  I refused to drop it and some members of the IEP team supported me.  WE settled for Academic monitoring.  That means we get progress reports every three weeks from all teachers.  Son was failing Algebra and father claimed not to be aware of it inspite of the reports.

Now this year, son was to have Academic science and math but Applied English.  Father, without consulting me places son in Academic English.  I am concerned son will fall behind.  Father does not agree to any learning support classes for son  and only allowed after school tutoring because son was failing and math teacher would only allow him to retake tests if he attended the tutoring.  I expect son to have some difficulty this year.

The school (guidance counsleor and principal) support the All academic track.  They apparently worked with the father to arrange all this without notifiying me until it had all been accomplished.  The guidance counselor's excuse was that the action was initaited by my son's own written request.  So if he says he wants a beer are we gonna give him a six pack?

I have emailed the guidance counselor and let her know that I have always been involved with son's education ( this is a different counsleor than last year) and that I had concerns about the appropriatness of son's placement.  I got an email back which basically said she cleared this request, which was my son's own, with the principal and father and basically left me under the impression I should just shut up and go away.  She states that according to his achievement test scores he should do fine.  But what about the failed Mid term AND failed Final!

Does anyone have any suggestions for me on this?  X is very mainpulative and hates to have me involved with the schools ( I have an education degree) he feels that I take control in meetings.  He feels I should just pay my support and go away which is not what I want to do.  Every year it takes me til November to build any credibity with the school personnel ( X tells them the court gave him custody due to a "poor environment" at my house which is totally untrue).  Then the next year I have to start all over agian with new staff.  In the mean time my son gets into academic difficulty and I rush in in January and save the day with a suggestion or the school brow beats X into doing something to help son.

I am frustrated. I am worried for my son and am absoluetly sick to death of being denied a chance to participate in decisions affecting my children's education.

I have a hearing set for a custody modification.  I am a NCP -Mother.  I live in the same county as my children but have only EOW partial custody.  Legal custody is joint.

I have had a very difficult time negotiating anything at all with the CP.  he seems to feel that he does not have to inform me of anything or discuss anything with me.  

One child has a mild Learning Disability.  In spite of very extensive testing the CP does not beleive the diagnosis. The child is under an IEP but the CP continually tries to thwart it and tells the child, " You do not have to go to your special instruction". CP signed the IEP.

Child was failing Algebra.  Got nothing but zeros for two straight weeks.  CP neither informed me nor contacted the teacher.  When I discovered this I set up a meeting at which tutoring was recommended.  Son's grades improved to nearly all A's.  Then without discussing it CP pulled son from the tutoring.  Grades slipped to about C's with D's and F's and missed homework.

I have tried everything I know of to help.  I have volunteered to drive my son to after school tutoring.  I have offered to do anything the Cp needs me to do to ensure he gets all the support he needs.  CP wants me to have nothing to do with child except my EOW visitation.

I have been told CP has told doctor's offices they aren't allowed to give me info.  I had to take my CO to the office to learn whcih medication my DD was allergic to.

Two counselors have been threatened by the CP because they worked with the children and were not hand-picked by the CP.  One was a school counsleor who told me verbally that my DD was especially concerned that her CP would find out what she discussed in therapy.  The counselor contacted me when DD stopped attending the therapy group in school.  DD had told me the counselor didn't need to see her.  COunselor says it was DD who stopped going to the group.  After the CP contacted this counseor the counselor refused to take my phone calls.

A guidance counselor met with me briefly when I went to see my son's permenant record.  It was really just a very brief meeting.  I had the impression she was just curious.  She had my son in her office when I got there and had us just talk for a few monents.  She observed.  Then my son went back to class.  I am not sure why she set up this impromtu meeting. When CP found out I had met with this counselor he was livid.  I did not ask for anything other than to see the permenant record.After this she refused to take any testing from me .  She told me I had to contact each provider who had done the testing a have them send it to the school directly because she was concerned that the CP would be angry she had taken the tests from me.  SO my son had to wait for weeks til the school got copies for the recommedations to be known.

The CP has delayed seeking medical attention for a wide aray of things.  Most notably three time he has not sought attention for severe eye infections and has allowed them to go on for five days only to phone me the night before my visitation to tell me to take the kid to a doctor.  He just puts Visine in thier eyes even though the symptoms get no better.

 He has delayed getting our DD braces for ten months.  He's just now seeking a second opinion.  The braces are 60% medically necessary.  Yet he gets angry when I arrange dental and doctor appointments he has neglected.  My daughter had not been to her allergist for more than two years even though she is to be checked every 12 months.  He admitted to not even knowing where her perscription nasal spray that is to be used daily is located.  He says she doesn't need it but I caught her using mine during a visit!    

The children are afraid to admit they have any symptoms when he is present.  Son told me he was congested.  I told the doc.  Son denied he said it ( with father in the room) doc examined and decided son had congestion and allergies and perscribed nasal spray ( perscription) which was never used.  Son denies he has any symptoms!

In addition to these difficulties exercising legal custody I can never get an extra moment with my children.  I can never get them for an inservice day.  Even when their Cp and SM have to work.  They are sent to church people's homes and I am told, "The children have other plans"

Activities are constantly planned for my parenting time.  CP plans his family vacation for my parenting time every Summer.  When I won't just give up the week without being given alternate time the children are told, " Your mom doesn't want you to have any fun."  He can not possibly give me any alternate time because he is so busy and has the children socially booked for a year in advance.  I am to just give in with no time made up.  This happens every year.  FOr pete's sake, don't they ever just look at the calendar and plan a vacation on their own time?

The children participate in scouts.  I support this but occassionally want to do something else during my custodial periods.  If they don't go to a scout function then I get a nasty letter from CP's attorney telling me I am court ordered to send them to every single scout event.  The order does NOT say this.  Yet CP does not take them to all scout events on his time.

The children are put under pressure to do what their CP and SM want them to do.  My DS has said upon realizing he will graduate AFTER he turns 18, " Oh I won't be obligated to go...to any certian school then!"  This was a shcok because he had not realized he would graduate at 19 giving him his whole senior year of being over 18.  I am concerned that he feels he has some "obligation" about where he goes to school.  I do not feel the kids have the feeling that they can freely decide where they want to live even though they are 16 and DD turning 13 next month.

They tell me certian things like SM dumps dresser drawers out on the floor when she's unhappy and she constantly has migrain headaches so they can't talk because the sound of thier voices are too loud for her and that she tells them to do work but doesn't say how she wants it done them makes them redo it all when they are finished because it isn't "right".   But they will never admit this to an evaluator.  We had a second eval last year and both kids admitted they lied to the evaluator so they could remain with their dad.  But neither seems happy and DS was diagnosed with mild depression that doc decided was due to the conflict between CP and me.

The whole thing is a mess and I'm headed to a custody hearing.  Can any one tell me if any of this will made a hill of beans of a difference.  I just want to see my kids more often and see them smile again. I want to ensure that they get appropriate medical and dental care as they need it, in a timely fashion.  I left thier dad when they were 8 and 5.  Thier whole childhood has been about this lousy custody battle.  I tried just leaving well enough alone but they aren't being taken care of in the Cp's home.  Any advice is greatly appreciated.

I am involved with a highly contested custody case.  I am the BM.  I am also the NCP.  For the last five years the fatherhas maintained custody based on the factt hat he said my new husband was a danger.  The judge beleived this inspite of the factt hat my husband has a child abuse clearance.

The children were never removed from my custody.  I agreed to thier father having primary because of a custody evaluation that was so negative and biased that I felt I had no chance.  At the time the children were 11 and 8.  Both wanted to live with me.

Now, after years of thier father and Step mom pulling every alienation tactic known to man and then a few extras they say they don't want to live here.

Thier father neglects them medically, educationally.  He denies me medical info and when I call the docs myself to get it ( I do have joint legal) I am told that the father has said that I cannot have it and I have to take my court order in.  The schools will not allow me to have any meeting about the children without thier dad present because he threatens to sue everyone.  

I am currently headed to court and would like to havemy kids evaluated as to PAS.  Does anyone have the names od any evalutors on the Mid-East Coast.

Hi,

I had a custody evaluation last summer. Judge granted it becuase I said I suspected PAS.  The ex told the eval. that my kids were scared to death of DH and that there were numerous times the kids told him they found empty beer bottles around our home.  

My Dh is a recovering alcoholic and has bi ploar disorder.  He did relapse the January before the eval.  He was hospitlized for five days and has been fine ever since.  On the day of his relapse and hospitalization I called my attorney for advice as he was refusing to leave the home and as we have two small children I ddin't want him around but wanted him to be safe.  Atorney suggested I get a PFA.  I called the police for assistance as I didn't know what DH might do if I tried to leave our home with the kids as he had tried to hang up the phone while I was talking on it that morning.I called the police and got the PFA because my DH was obviously impaired and I was taking no chances.  The police report states the DH was cooperative and left the home with them without any violence whatso ever.  The children were completely unaware of this incident.

DH spent the five days in the hospital.  We had a hearing and on DH's own suggestion we kept the PFA in force for 18 months with a clause that if he drank again he would be sent to jail for six months.

He has been doing well since this time.  And is emotionally stable.  He participates in weekly therapy and this therapist spoke to the evaluator.  What she said did not appear in the report.  Nothing that our family therapist said appeared in the report either.  Both therapists had only positive things to say.  Both admitted Dh struggled with very adverse things in his history but currently is doing very well.  He has a postive relationship with the kids who are NC and our own two children who live with us full time.  He was the care taker for these kids ( Son 5 and Daughter 2) while I worked with no difficulties.  I am apsychiatric nurse and am considered to be very knowledgable about DH's condition adnthe therapists feel I am capable of analyzing and handleing any situation which may arise.

Kids lied to the evaluator about the beer bottles they saw around our home.  They lied to eval about being afraid of Dh.  Evaluator did a home study and said in report that these kids are NOT afraid of DH.  But he also said he didn't think they are alienated.

Evaluation wrapped up in August with eval. recommending kids stay where they were( with dad except for EOW and half of summer).  In Novemeber son was diagnosed with depression due to parents relaionship by MD.  No meds perscribed.  In school grade are falling.  Had been an A-B student last year.  Now getting mostly C's and failing one course each semester at the mid term then pulling grade up to "c".  Nothing in Algebra for past two weeks but F's.  Not doing homework which never happened before.

Since ex found out we were having the eval PAS stuff has increased.  Kids will not talk to me on the phone while not in my custody. They claim  they dislike the fact that I send them cards when it isn't a holiday. In short I am to have no contact with them unless it is my weekend of custody.  If we all go somewhere they ignore me.  Yet when they are here everything is fine.  

We went thru a period of time when dd was stealing things here over the summer.  It has since stopped and the siblings who always got along well went through their own upheaval over the summer but that stopped as soon as the eval was over.

Kids admitted they withheld info from the evaluator that was about PAS.  They kept back the fact that sm dumps their dresser drawers out on the floor if she feels like it.  They say they get in trouble if they talk about their sibs too much or too often( in a positive way).  They can't talk on the phone to me because it gives SM a migraine.  SM and dad question them about visits and then frame every detail for them so it looks like we are horrible people.  This is all still continuing according to the kids.

Father supposedly knew about the beer bottles found around my property for months before the eval but never told me.  The kids never told the family counselor either.  Father and I had mediation no fewer than four times but he never brought it up there either.  Evaluator bought the whole story because " these kids would never lie".

Father always attempts to get school to not communicate with me.  He succeeds an overwhelming amount of the time.  He told a clinic that I was not entitled to my kids medical info. I had to take a copy of the court order down to the clinic and they still had to check with their legal dept for me to find out the name of the medication my daughter was allergic to and the new med they put her on.

Father brings kids to custody confreneces all the time.  They have never spoken to the judge! He let them read the custody eval.  He lets them read court papers and then  "interprets" for them .  When we've been in court which is all the time he askes them, " DO you want to know what happened in court today?"  Son admits he doesn't want to kn ow but cannot tell dad to let him out of it.

Father informs me of nothing.  He neglects to get the children routine medical care and when they need special care he ordered me to get it even thought the condition had been present for five days on his time.  He actually called me at 11:45pm the night before I was to get custody to tell me about it and order me to make doctor appointments and inform him of when they were as he didn't trust me to handle it or to give him the information!  He knew we had scheduled our vacation and were planning to leave that next morning.  Daughter is two years over due for visit with her allergist.  Doc called in a refill and called me saying they needed to see her.  This was six weeks ago.  I refered the doc to Cp and the appoinment still has not been made.  We were told in Novemeber that DD neeeds braces we went to the orthododnist and found out the cost now ex refuses to start the treament or to discuss it with me.  I have emailed twice and the orthodonisdt called me and I refered him to CP.  Orthodontist called CP but he didn't give them an answer either.

What on earth can I do?  I feel my kids are suffering.  PAS or not I feel my relationship with the kids is suffereing.  I am being kept out of their lives in every possible way.  The only reason is that my DH has a mental illness, a five year old criminal record and was hospitalized a year ago.  So that justifies my ex cutting me out of the kids lives?

I would apprecaite any input anyone has.  My attorney tells me it is useless to do anything because the judge "doesn't like people like" my Dh.  Do I loose all rights because the judge doesn't like my DH?  

I have been following Lovebug's thread with respect to mediation.  I went through the process twice in PA.  The first mediator was a MFT.  She routinely saw the kids and often asked them what they wanted with regard to the issues.  We initally resolved a lot of stuff.  Then ex got a new woman in his life and started to reneg on agreements.  There was no penaty for this and he did it often.

The second mediator never revealed what her training was.  This medaition seems very "underhanded"  She often tried to coerce us into all kinds of agreements.  I was the more cooperative party and her MO seemed to be to continually try to get me to give more and more.  In the begining she asked to be provided with a copy of the current custody order only.  When we finished the session I noticed that in her stack of papers that the ex had provided her the original custody eval.  The eval was totally against me.  In fact I had to get a psych eval to porve to the judge that I am not crazy ( If anyone's interested. I actaully am sane even if I don't feel like it some days),  The report was also totally favorable to the ex.  I confronted her about having a copy of that report and she rather defensively informed me that she did have it but would not read it ( I never for an instant believed her).  I complained to my attorney abou this and she told me taht this mediator was in a position to help me and was "very close to the court".

Out of that mediation I did suceed in keeping my son in aan excellent Charter school for a final year.  Other than that I do not believe anything else got settled.  My ex admitted shooting a .22 rifel from his living room chair out his sliding glass door.  I tried to get him to promise not to do this again but he stated, " I'm not putting anything in writng that will make me look bad."

This mediator often made me feel inferior.  in one session she apologized to ex for his having to take time out of his busy schedule to attend the mediation for an issue that was my concern that he refused to discuss with me outside of medistion.  It was a legal custody decison ( we have 50-50 legal) and he had made the decision on his own and without sonsulting me.

In the end because we didn't agree about the shool we went to court.  Thre mediator would only say, "The parties were unable to agree".  She told the judge she felt that mediation could work for us on other issues.

Questions:  

1. Was it proper of her to have that first custody eval and not disclose it?

2.  2. How sucessful do paties have to be for a mediator to recommend they continue in mediation?  My ex had agreed to zip. ziltch, nada.

3.Is there any type of commission I could have complained to regarding the mediators unequal teatment of us?

Hi!  I am NCP of two Son 15 daughter12.  Went through second eval this past Summer.  CP took kids out of state on a splendid vacation for the week before the eval.  Kids camr back and told evaluator that life with CP was hunky dory and they wanted nothing to change.  I have suspected CP of lying through his teeth.  He claimed and DS said it too that 15 year old DS wished to transfer to school close to CP and away from all his freinds.  The kid had never seen the place.  DS was also under an IEP which I refused to let expire so I was the bad guy.  So in Sept the kid starts school.  Two weeks into the school year the warning slips started to arrive.  In each class he'd pull the grade back up.  But teachers email that he isn't studying or turning in homework.  Then the weight statred falling off of him.  I made a doctor's appointment because CP believes there is no problem except that I breathe.

Appointment yesterday.  Doc said son has stress induced weight loss.  and allergies.  Son had told me his nose was always stuffy but denied in front of CP and doctor.  Doc examined and determined that yes it was stuffy.   According to CP it is not OK for these kids to be sick or to have any kind of problem.  DS lost 7.5 # in seven weeks and then after I made the appointment gained 6# in 12 days!

Does anyone think that this is enough to ask for a hearing?  It is so obvious that CP lied to BOTH evaluators.  After first eval I had to get a psych eval of myself just to prove to judge that I was sane.  I am not kidding!

At appointment dad said to DS " Is your mother putting words in your mouth and diagnosing you again."  If he does that in front of the doctor what does he say at home?  I asked doc to do extra through documentation and office is ending a copy to my lawyer.

CP's only concern was that the offic ehad my address for the child.  He wanted a letter written to that effect because he is the custodail parent and he claims CSE told hm to "pursue it this way"  Yet he wanted the letter sent to himself at home.  I never know what's gonna happen next.

My ex simply will not inform me of anything to do with the kids.  I have set up systems with the school where they send me stuff.  He has done his best to interfere.  He rants and rages at doctor appointments when  he doesn't get his way.  He has threatened to sue our family therapist if she discussed anything with the kids that pertains to "his house".  

All of this makes it darn near impossible to maintain any sembelece of normal functioning.  No professional wants to get in the middle.  Since he is Primary Custodial Parent everyone seems to give him his way.  

Most recently our 15 yo son lost a dramatic amount of weight.  His clothes were hanging on him.  I realized that the weight drop was more dramatic after the start of the school year.  Son said he weighed 170# at the end of the last school year and was 150#.  He also said he was not trying to loose the weight.  I told him I thought he was fine before and certianly didn't need to loose weight.  We discussed it in Family therapy too.

 I decided to call the school to verify that he had really weighted 170# last year.  The most recent weight he had in his file was from Jan 2004.  It was 153#.  The nurse said she had weighed him in mid Sept and he had been 150#.  I said his clothes were so big that without a belt his pants that he had worn over the summer slid down over his hips.  She offered to weigh him again.  This time his weight was 142#.  My attorney wanted me to call the doctor and ask if this was normal ( not that I don't know that it isn't) just for reinforcement because BD is very unreasonalbe about taking kids to the doctor.   Anyway doc say son is over due for a physical and wants to see him ASAP.  They offered me an appointment and
 strongly suggested that I take it because doc would be going away for the holidays and she felt it would be better to have him see sooner rather than later.

In the meantime ex had sent me an email telling me son had told dad I thougth he was underweight and that ex thought he was normal according
 to charts and accused me of abusing and harrassing the children.

When I called to ask if he would be in agreement  with son having a physical and that doc had an opening he blew up at me.  He was irate that I was involved with this as he told me son was normal.  The thing that bothered him most of all was that I had tenatively scheduled the appointment on his time and that was in violation of the court order.  The doctor is never open when I have custody, I asked.  The order about not scheduling on the other parent's time came about because he routienly scheduled his family vacations for my time.

Anyway, now son is highly miffed with me for bringing this up and scheduling the appointment.  Dad has a habit of putting the kids smack dab in the middle of any and all disagreements.

I am so tired of being th bad guy but how else are my kids gonna get medical care?  Does anyone have any advice about what I can do to : 1. help my relationship with my kids.  2. lessen the stress of these encounters with the ex.  3.  Keep any semeblace of sanity for the next six years until the youngest turns 18.  This affects my entire  family.  Thank you for reading this far and for any advice.