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Hi!  My ex will absolutely NOT engage in conversatiom with me let alone counseling.  The Judge will not order him to either.  

We have had a rather pathological set up where the kids were seeing an individual therapist of dad's choosing.  He would not work with me.  He continually sided with the dad as that was who was paying for him.  He broke the kids confidentiality and shared everything with BD abd SM would not even allow DH into his office space and told me never to bring him back.

MY DH, me and all four kids see an art therapist once per month for family therapy.  BD has threatened to sue her if anything at his house was discussed by the children in therapy.  She refuses to really work on any individual issues with the kids or to do any work with BD/kids/me because of her fear of him(legally).

Way back at the begining we had a mediator who was an MFT.  She was great and the kids did really well.  At first custody eval BD claimed she was biased toward me because she believed me when I told her things and the kids liked her and were not afraid of her.  Anyway, that first evaluator got rid of this therapist just by saying she was biased.  Since then dad has had complete control.  I later learned from the mediator that this evaluator had had her removed form our case for bias without ever having spoken with her.  The mediator was also threatened with legal action by BD abd refused to be involved in any capacity with any of us again.  She told me, " Just tell your kids they can come and see you anytime it is mutually convienitt because BD has people hepling him and you will loose your time, money and sanity if you fight him"  I have been wondering if she was right.  Oh, did I mention that the threapist on dad's payroll was placed on our case by this first evaluator?

I don't see any chance of any emotional healing as long as these kids are exposed to this type of control and brainwashing.  I hope by having them with me I can at least keep them from having to hear every detail of the court proceedings.
  I worry for thier mental health every day.  They will say and do whatever SM abd BD tell them to.  They told the last custody evauator they were afraid of Dh.  he did a home study and confirmed they are definitly NOT afraid of him.  Yet he declined to list PAS or to change custody in any way.

I feel very beaten down right now

Hi All--All opinions are welcome

I have four children.  Two that I see only EOW( DS1,15 and DD1,12) and two living with DH and I full time( DS2,6 and DD2,2)  So I am both a CP mom and an NCP mom.

The kids who only visit have been having a real hard time lately.  DS1 is suffering mild depression.  DD1 is lying and stealing.  Both are starting to have issues with school.  My relationship with both is suffering due to the long separations.  As well as difficulties with telephone access in CP's home.  Where once we were very close now we have drifted apart to the point that I feel less like family and more like an inn keeper.

The children now lie without batting an eyelid. They are disrespectful. They are not the children they once were.

CP frustrates my legal custody and is very disrespectful to me in front of the children and others.  He blocks mt access to school and medical info as often as possible.  In short I feellike I am no longer a parent.  Or more precisely that if things continue as they are I will loose the kids forever.

I lost custody after 22 months of joint 50-50 due to my DH going to jail for a probation violation.  He had had a long legal history before I knew him.  He has since been clean, sober and out of legal trouble for 5 years.  

The CP knew of his history and had no problem withit while he was dating and his new wife was working long swing shifts.  He let me have the kids for daycare and sick and snow days.  We never had a problem.

That was until the property settled and I moved to a different school district.  Att he time both kids were in school in this district where I purchased my home due to being enrolled in a private school.  At the same time I bought my house the CP's new wife lost her job and wanted to care for the children.  That is when my custody nightmare began.

My question now is do I fight for Primary custody knowing that DS1 is angry at being dragged into court all the time?  I have almost no relationship with him now and fear if the status quo continues I will loose touch with him all together.  DD1 really is aloof as well.  She doesn't even remember livng with me.  Both kids told a custody evaluator they "wanted things to stay the same"  then both admitted they lied and witheld info from the evaluator.

I feel really torn.  I worry about the children both physically ( CP does not believe in docotrs and will give OTC meds instead of taking to doctor) and mentally.  Yet I know there is a real possibility that I could go through a trial,  upset my kids even more and loose anyway.  

I know there is a lot of wisdom out there among all of you.  Please help.

It is so hard to balance work and family.  The you have anex who puts flies in the ointment.  What a dilemna indeed.  I know I'd be taking the time with my kids and documenting every single minute of it.  The work situation is sticky but you still have time to get approval the have the kids come in with you.  Would a co-worker be willing to split shifts with you?  Usually a lot of people are out on Thanksgiving weekend so the kids shouldn't disrupt the schedule too much.  The added benefit: they get to see what you do at work all day.  Good luck.

You've got mail!

You guys... eer girls are so lucky.  My kids used to say "Mom took care of it"  now they have been through so much PAS that they don't want mom to take care of anything.  When I do take care of things ( because custodial dad and step-mom don't) my kids become angry.  How do you deal with it?  How do you maintain the bond?

I lost custody four years ago.  My ex decided after having joint custody (50-50) with me doing all daycare, sick days snow days etc for one year and ten months that he thinks my DH is a danger to the kids.  DH has a long arrest record for terroristic threats and assault.   BD knew of this prior to kids ever being in DH company. However DH has been out of trouble with the law for 5 years and was diagnosed Bi-Polar and is now on meds and in therapy and sober.  He did all the child care for our own two children( son 6 daughter 2) for three years while I worked without ever having a problem.  He has a child clearance and he passed an evaluation with a psychologist that enabled him to do child care for the kids from first marriage( son 15 daughter 12).  Afer the report came back in his favor the PAS got really bad.  I requested and received a custody eval this past Summer.  Kids started out telling evlauator they were afraid of DH.  Home study done.  Evaluator found no evidence that the kids were afraid of DH.  Yet evaluator did not think that the kids were alienated.  They never call me when they aren't in my cusody, I never get a card or gift for my birthday or Christmas.  When I accompany them to a doctor's appointment when they are with dad or SM they act as if they don't know me.  I had email documentation of where dad refused me one extra night with the kids because my dad was having surgery and in order to stay with him after theoperation I had to give up my time with them or not stay with my father.  If he had gratned my request ofr one night extra I could have taken them to their grandfather's home and we could have had our visit and they could have been with GF for a short time after the surgery.  Instead I had to come right back after my dad was out of the recovery room and hire a paid nurse to help my dad so I wouldn't miss my visit.  BD had no other reason for the denial than " It isn't your court ordered time"  That was in March.  In June he schedules a trip telling the court it is a family vacation booked months in advance and will last ten days.  it is MY first week of Summer but the Judge lets him take the kids.  I get compensated.  I got two lousy days with my daughter the next week.  Son was at scout camp.  LOL

Now kids are very standoffish.  When they open up it is to say that they are very "confused".  Son lost 7.5# in seven weeks in SEPT/OCT without trying, sleeps in class misses homework and bombs tests.  He admits staying up all night, not eating breakfast, only eating a school lunch and they seem to have sandwhiches for dinner every night.  Last year he was a model student at a different school.  He attended a Charter school in my town where I could stop in and see him and all his friends for lunch several days a week.  Charter School ended at grade 8 now he is in the worst school in the county ( according to the standardized test scores).  This new school is on the warning list for the second year in a row due to No Child Left Behind.  The school in my district in number 9 in the NATION.  The children's education is one of my top priorities but all dad wants is to keep the kids in his district.  It's all about keeping custody and keeping the kids away from me.  Oh but there's no alienation going on here.  How on earth do you ever prove this stuff?

My DH had a bad life up until about seven years ago.  Now he is older wiser and much more stable.  Don't the courts ever forgive anyone?  

Not a icensed psych but a master's candidatein counsleing who has just recently finshed a Psychological Assessments class.

What you need to know is that there is a thing called a "lie scale".  Yes, it wants to know if you lie but not in terms of specific mistruths.  What it wants to determine is if you are trying to "ffake good" or "fake bad".  People in custody cases almost aways try to "fake good"- heck- if you didn't want custody of your kids you wouldn't be taking the test, now would you?  People who tend to malinger will "fake bad", that is to say that they are worse off than they really are.  if you wanted to remain on worker's Comp you might want to try to "fake bad"

My advice, not only as a master's candidate but someone who has taken the MMPI-II three times in regards to custoy is to relax and be as honest as you can be. Of course you wantt o be seen in the best light possible.

When you take the test- don't linger over any questions, just answer as truthfully as you can and move on to the next question.

Know that the test is only part of your evaluation.  There most likely will be clinical interviews and parent child observations as well as other tests.

Custody evals are stressful.  Take really good care of yourself and try your best to realx.

I would think of enlisting the aid of the school or daycare.  Explain to them what you have told us. They are in most places madatory reporters.  If abuse is suspected they must report it.

tell them what you have told us and ask if they are noticing any changes in the children's behavior.  Tell them you are worried for the kids.

In most instances CPS won't take it seriously if it is a custody issue.  Or they get bogged down in he said/ she said stuff. Emotional abuse is very hard to prove.  It leaves no marks like physical abuse does.  CPS sometimes will pay more attention to third parties like guidance counselors or daycare providers.

Good luck.

Wow, I dream of going before an evaluator who can see through the ex.  You are blessed to have had that eval.  Ironic it was BM who requested it.

The last evaluator we did did not seem to want to spend the time on the eval.  He said of my work history, " Just provide me your resume.  Why waste time talking about it when I can just read it."  I definitely had the feeling he was in it for the money.

We have documentation of things our therapist told him that favor us that he just didn't feel like reporting so he didn't. He outlined CP's concerns one by one in great detail but said that I " Provided an extensive list of concerns"  He didn't list a one.  Now just two months after the eval some of those concerns have become glaringly apparent while CP's concerns still have yet to matierialze after more than six years of him singing the same tune.

It is really frustrating!

What do you do when the kids don't ever seem to be able to "figure the ex out".  Mine think their CP is all good, all knowing and all powerful and that whatever he or SM say is the Gospel truth.  They think that I am dumb, a trouble maker and that I never act in their best interests.  Even in the face of overwhelmimg evidence they still adhere to this very lopsided view of thier reality.

I just read yoour post and went to the site.  It is awesome!  Thank you thank you thank you!