Son needs help

[geebee]

My oldest son has a 3yo boy. My son and the Mom are not together, my son is bi-polar and on meds, she has an RO against son because she shoved he shoved her back cops came he went to jail... (he said she said) I wont comment anymore on that. But they do not have CS set up, they have one paper that says son now is to have grandson from 4pm on friday to 4pm on sunday every week...which he hasn't had...Mom tells him not to come near house cause of RO which ok I get but then wont meet him to have him take son, so now a month later he hasnt seen his son and she is taking him to court for custody and cs....He would love 50/50 but it is doubtful he will get it, he would take eow with her meeting him in a public place but is afraid he wont get that much any suggestions would help.....

Also Managers can you direct me to a site that may help him since there isnt any income at this time because of bi-polar he only gets food stamps and medical and is working on cash assistance and cannot afford a lawyer.

I will be honest I cannot afford a lawyer for him either...

Has anyone done pro se that may be able to help him...??

[Peanutsdad]

Your son has three issues right now that are going to weigh heavily against him.

1. He has a psychological disorder,, and THAT is sure to be played in court.

2. He was arrested on domestic violence.  With a violence issue, depending on the police reports, its very likely he could end up not only without 50/50,,, but on supervised visitation.

3. He is unemployed due to a psychological disorder. Her attorney is going to maintain if he cannot work due to his psych issues, then no way no how can he take care of a child.

This combination of events places your son in a grim position for any kind of custody award.

I cannot stress enough,, I STRONGLY urge you and he to reconsider and find a way to retain an attorney. This is NOT the kind of case I would want to see anyone without experience attempt to do pro se. His issues at hand are not only to defend himself on an DV arrest, but to convince the court he can care for a child when he cannot care for himself.

As far as  financial help for dads in custody fights,, it doesnt exist. Nor do I know of anyone that even knows of any pro bono attorneys. The only, and best free help I've found is right here at this site. Begin by reading every last article, every hint, every bit of advise.


Tips For Getting Started
http://www.deltabravo.net/news/10-19-2000.htm

How To Hire An Attorney
http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/hiring.htm

Hiring An Effective Attorney
http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/effective.htm

Success Factors In Obtaining Custody
http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/tips.htm


One of the first things you'll hear around here is "Document, document, document!". Having good records is *crucial*. Get yourself either the Parenting Time Tracker (PTT) at: http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/tracker.htm or the OPTIMAL Custody Tracking service at:

[geebee]

Thank you Peanuts Dad! I will tell him to come look at these things so he can get advice....So if it seems as 2 people are writing a post under my name it will be him and I.....

[geebee]

I thought of something, could he or should he bring up her use of drugs?

 How should he address it if he does bring it up?

The Paper work he received about visitation was done with full knowledge of his bipolar and of DV arrest..will that come into play?

He lives with my sister in a very stable enviroment, will that help?

He is going to meetings for DV like clockwork, he is being treated for bipolar with no problems.

[Indigo Mom]

-----1. He has a psychological disorder,, and THAT is sure to be played in court.-----

He needs to get any and all "treatment" for his problems.  (medicaid will pay for this) If one ignores their problems, then I believe it can be used...but a parent who's trying to treat his/her problem...well, they should be given a chance.  We are born with certain things...we "get" certain things throughout our life.  Mental issues aren't our "fault" and shouldn't be treated as such...UNLESS...we choose to ignore them.  

-----2. He was arrested on domestic violence. With a violence issue, depending on the police reports, its very likely he could end up not only without 50/50,,, but on supervised visitation.-----

You're right, he probably won't get 50/50...for now.  If he goes through his classes, and actually learns something (the "teacher" writes up a report about them.  I know, monster was buried by his therapist), if he keeps his nose clean, if he does what he has to do...then eventually he can be on unsupervised parenting time.  One episode of "domestic violence" doesn't mean he'll continue.  More than one?  He's gotta problem.

-----3. He is unemployed due to a psychological disorder. Her attorney is going to maintain if he cannot work due to his psych issues, then no way no how can he take care of a child.-----

Right now, he can't even attempt to go for custody or even 50/50.  If he shows that he wants a relationship with his child...he wants to spend time with the child, then money isn't "as" important.  After all, he's not asking to feed, clothe, pay for daycare while he's looking for work, he's not "asking" for sole custody...or shoudl I say, he shouldn't.   Right now, he's asking for parenting time...he should keep the every weekend thing in mind.  Now, if he was trying for custody?  The money is going to be a HUGE issue.  I remember monster wanting sole custody of lil dude back...all the while claiming he couldn't afford a $25 drug test.  That played a HUGE part in the end of him.  

-----but to convince the court he can care for a child when he cannot care for himself. -----

Here's my beef.  If he's trying for every weekend, or every other weekend, he should be able to prove he can take care of the child ON THOSE DAYS.  She said he's getting food stamps..we know she'll be eating.  She said he's getting medicaid...so she'll have free health insurance for the mother to take the child to the doctor whenever.  He's working on getting cash benefits...so that could help with the necessities while the child is with him.  If he can prove he can provide for the child while in his care...that's what should matter.  (course, that's my opinion)

He needs to walk into court and let the Judge KNOW that he's NOT trying to take sole custody of the child at this time, he simply wants a meaningful relationship on the weekends, until he can get his "issues" taken care of.





***Everyone gets burned. You can't go through life and not be burned. Some fires destroy us and some fires refine us. - rich mullins***

[geebee]

Indigo
He is getting all treatment that he can he did a self check in awhile back so his medication could be regulated completely, he goes weekly to therapy, and to group sessions.

DV issue he is going to all classes and doing his reporting as required and also taking to his therapist about these issues also.

Your comment 3, wouldnt it be better to try for 50/50 with hopes that he will get at least eow?? Or should he not try for the 50/50?


My grandson Mother is also receiving cash assistance, food stamps and medicare..so she is in same situation....she got section 8 housing because grandson has majority of time resided with her, or at least 50% of the time, until recently they had every other week, with no orders and it went well...until another person got involved.

[Peanutsdad]

Thanx Indi,, you always keep me looking at issues from other sides ;)


You see the possiblilities,, I play devils advocate many times.

[Indigo Mom]

-----He is getting all treatment that he can he did a self check in awhile back so his medication could be regulated completely, he goes weekly to therapy, and to group sessions.-----

-----DV issue he is going to all classes and doing his reporting as required and also taking to his therapist about these issues also.-----

See...that's what I'm screamin' !!!  He recognizes there is a "problem" and is working to settle it.  He's doing everything in his power to make sure it isn't an "issue", or that the "issue" isn't a problem.  Right on.  So many people go through life not dealing with their issues.  He's "righting" the "wrongs" in his life.  Fabulouso!!

-----Your comment 3, wouldnt it be better to try for 50/50 with hopes that he will get at least eow?? Or should he not try for the 50/50?-----

For the "right now", I say don't try for 50/50.  It'll blow the "plan" that he's doing.  He's currently trying to "fix" all the issues.  If he goes for 50/50, he'll have to prove he can provide adequately 50% of the time.  I honestly don't think he's "ready".  Fix everything in his life, focus on the weekends with his child.  If he has the child half the time, that will take away from his therapy.  I know it stinks...but if he gets done what he needs to get done?  He can ALWAYS come back and modify the current order.  They aren't set in stone.

I'm one of those people who would prefer to hear someone admit they can't do it...rather than denying that...and ultimately end up screwing themselves.  

-----My grandson Mother is also receiving cash assistance, food stamps and medicare..so she is in same situation....she got section 8 housing because grandson has majority of time resided with her, or at least 50% of the time, until recently they had every other week, with no orders and it went well...until another person got involved.-----

ooooh....new dude!  Don't worry about new dude.  Worry about fixing old dude.  (lol...sorry, couldn't resist)  Unless new dude is a hardened criminal, or is putting the child "at risk", leave new dude alone.  

I'm tellin ya...have your son do what he has to do, and both he and the child have a better "chance" when he's done.  He needs to be in a MUCH better "position" before he goes for the throat.  

Dass maaaah 'pinion!







***Everyone gets burned. You can't go through life and not be burned. Some fires destroy us and some fires refine us. - rich mullins***

[Indigo Mom]

Always trying to piss in someones post toasties...this time, it be yours!!  lolol

The thing I like about message boards?  You get a bunch of people responding...and if you squish all the responses together...ya usually come up with the best case scenario.  Init kewl?


***Everyone gets burned. You can't go through life and not be burned. Some fires destroy us and some fires refine us. - rich mullins***

[Peanutsdad]

LOL, aint it so?

But,, back to the topic at hand,, Im sure there will be other posters to come ;)

[geebee]

I am taking in all the advice here and will be passing it along tonight to son...I will tell him to come a talk!

Definately not worried about new dude, new dudes can come and go like new girls.....

[geebee]

hello everyone im the son in need of help.Ive read everything that everyone has written about my problem here and i wanted to thank everyone who has replyed so far.

Ok this is where im at,right now all im really looking for my from my sons mothers is just for it to be the way it was.Meaning that my son will be with me every weekend or every other weekend.That is all i really want,as long as i can be a part of his life even if it is weekends thats totally fine with me.I mean ive been doing it for the last year or so.Now im not totally sure what is going to happen now because there has not been another court date set in place.There was one set earlier this month,but i was never served my papers correctly.So im not sure what is going to go on now.Supposley everything is going to be shipped to my county but im not sure about that one.

1.With me having a pfa against me stating that im allowed to have him from friday to sunday.Should i go there every weekend risking that she might call the cops and say i was doing something that i wasnt doing.That is what i fear the most,that i go up there with my paper work and she calls the cops and trys to tell them that i did something that i didnt do.This girl can go off of her rocker sometimes.That is why i havent attempted it.So what should i do about that one.

2.For some reason philadelphia legal aid is being lame about sending a referral to bucks county legal aid.So they can see me.Meaning like they wont do it for some reason.They say the court is up there so i shouldnt need one,even though i live down here.Im not sure if it is because another court has been set,or they dont know what there talking about."Its seems to be that way sometimes with philly court stuff".So should i just go the legal aid in bucks and tell them what is going on or what?.All of this legal stuff is really new to me and im not totally sure on what to do about alot of things that is why im here asking questions.

3.Now with me doing the things to make myself better that should help my case some right? Also when i do finally go to court about this i should only ask for weekends or every other weekend at this point right?
because i know im not going to be able to get 50/50 or anything like that.

Those are some of the questions i had to ask,im sure there are more of me to ask but i cant think of any of them right now.When i do think of them ill come back and post alot more because i know there will be more questions for me to ask.Once again i wanted to say thankyou for the help because i could use all of the help i can get right now.

[Peanutsdad]

Hoss,,, ( I'll call ya hoss to differentiate between you and your mom.),,


Keep doing what you are doing,, and document, document, document!!  Did I also mention,, document??

IF you can show the court you are doing what you need to in order to be in your childs life,, at WORST,, you may have 6 months of supervised,, graduating into regular visitation.

Anything you can do to document BM's behavior,, ie videotape ALL meetings for visitation,, keep all emails, letters and if possible, tape all calls. Make sure to find out whether your state is a one party or two to ensure the legality of the taping.

In your situation, with a pre-existing order for visitation, and a current restraining order, ( I believe that was the case, yes?),, you must obey the terms of any restraining order if it is the most current order.  If you are under a RO,, you need to file a modification to temp orders stating the current orders are unworkable due to this and request a meutral exchange location, ie police station.

In any case,, do NOT go alone to excercise visitation, and absolutely DO bring AND use a video camera to document the encounters with a witness present.

[Peanutsdad]

Hoss,,, ( I'll call ya hoss to differentiate between you and your mom.),,


Keep doing what you are doing,, and document, document, document!!  Did I also mention,, document??

IF you can show the court you are doing what you need to in order to be in your childs life,, at WORST,, you may have 6 months of supervised,, graduating into regular visitation.

Anything you can do to document BM's behavior,, ie videotape ALL meetings for visitation,, keep all emails, letters and if possible, tape all calls. Make sure to find out whether your state is a one party or two to ensure the legality of the taping.

In your situation, with a pre-existing order for visitation, and a current restraining order, ( I believe that was the case, yes?),, you must obey the terms of any restraining order if it is the most current order.  If you are under a RO,, you need to file a modification to temp orders stating the current orders are unworkable due to this and request a meutral exchange location, ie police station.

In any case,, do NOT go alone to excercise visitation, and absolutely DO bring AND use a video camera to document the encounters with a witness present.

[geebee]

HI P Dad
This is Mom, thank you for helping out I appreciate it...Hugs to you and get better soon and stop eating eggshells LOL!

[NoNicky]

I've read the thread and just want to add that as long as your son continues to follow the treatment plan and can get his psychologist to testify or sign an affidavit swearing that he is in treatment, his condition is under control and he is improving, it can actually be used as a strength for him.  But he must be vigilant and everything must be documented.  

Did anyone mention to you how important it is to document?  LOL  Also consider downloading the time tracker available on this site.  Use it to help document every denied visitation.  He CAN NOT violate the RO to get his son even when he is supposed to have him.  What he can do is use the time tracker and other documentation to show that he is abiding by his end of the deal by not breaking RO and that she is in fact in contempt of court by not allowing ordered visitation time.

I also feel it is very important that you find a way to afford an attorney.  Take a loan out if you have to.  Borrow where you can.  This is a tricky enough case with the mental health issues that he will be shredded if he attempts pro se.  My personal concern for a pro se case would be the extra stress it would place on your son and that it would cause forward progress to cease in the least and a possible backwards slide for him.  And that's if things are going well for him.  The stress from these things is incredible and he needs an attorney to relieve that stress and handle things for him.  An attorney could also better prepare him for the questions they will throw at him.  If it were to get to a stage where there are depositions or the like there would be unbelievably cruel things said in an attempt to push him over the edge and there would be inappropriate questions asked in an attempt to get him to volunteer information that it might not be in his best interest to volunteer.

Good luck to him, and you!

NoNicky
For God has not given a spirit of fear; but of power and of love and of a sound mind.  1 Peter 1:6

[Indigo Mom]

-----1.With me having a pfa against me stating that im allowed to have him from friday to sunday.Should i go there every weekend risking that she might call the cops and say i was doing something that i wasnt doing.That is what i fear the most,that i go up there with my paper work and she calls the cops and trys to tell them that i did something that i didnt do.This girl can go off of her rocker sometimes.That is why i havent attempted it.So what should i do about that one.-----

Do NOT, I repeat DO NOT go there!!!!!  Ya think she won't call the police?  LMAO!  Ooooh...she will.  She doesn't even have to tell the police you were "doing" anything...all she has to do is tell them about the restraining order and you're done for.  They'll cart you off to jail, and need I remind you that Judges don't hear cases on the weekends?  You'll be arrested on friday, won't see a Judge til monday...what a joyous weekend in jail THAT will be.  NOT.  I wonder if you can go to the police station and request a "civil assist"?  Don't know if that would work, but at least you'd have an officer approach your ex for your son.

No clue about your #2 question.

-----3.Now with me doing the things to make myself better that should help my case some right? Also when i do finally go to court about this i should only ask for weekends or every other weekend at this point right?
because i know im not going to be able to get 50/50 or anything like that.-----

Everything you do to "settle" your issues is great.  I still stick by my first post...or whichever one it is that says you should go for what you can "handle" right now...and if that's "only" every weekend, then by golly, ask for every weekend.  Keep in mind, geebee....these orders are NOT set in stone.  You do what you have to do, and when it's done...you can petition the courts for more time....and keep doing it until you're at the 50/50 split.  

[geebee]

How about that PFA was granted after RO was in place...and the judge who issued PFA knew that the RO was in place??????????

[geebee]

No Nicky sorry I took so long to respond back thank you for your kind words first of all, second money is an issue it cannot be gotten, sorry no loans available for either him or I. (I am recovering from financial problems from my own divorce 5 years ago)

My son is trying to get legal aide but they are playing a game since he resides in one county and court case is in another county hopefully we can get that situation straighten out before it is to late to use that option.

" What he can do is use the time tracker and other documentation to show that he is abiding by his end of the deal by not breaking RO and that she is in fact in contempt of court by not allowing ordered visitation time.  "

But if PFA was written with full knowledge of RO, how can this be right?

[NoNicky]

The order can be handled in other ways.  She can arrange to drop him off with you or some other adult who will transfer him to his father.  Another thing that can be done is that she can drop him off at the police station and your son can pick him up there.  Other people with ROs do this.  Ask around here on the board and I'm sure you will find some who have had ROs against them but still were able to exercise their visitation rights.  The point is there ARE ways it can be done.

Best to you both!

NoNicky
For God has not given a spirit of fear; but of power and of love and of a sound mind.  1 Peter 1:6

[geebee]

Thank you that what I thought, I cant pick up grandson he is 5 states away! :(

I appreciate your help.

[msme]

Here's a thought. If your son can find 2 trusted friends to help, he might stand a chance of seeing his child.  

First have him download the letter of intent to exercise visitation from this site. Include in the letter the fact that in respect of the RO, the child will be picked up by XXXX & he will be waiting beyond the RO limit. (Most are for 300 feet) Send it certified, return receipt, & mail a copy to himself.

Then do it. Make sure his friend has an accomplice who will video tape the encounter. Give them a copy of the CO & the letter of intent. Also call the local police & ask for an officer for a peace keeping presence.

She may be intimidated into letting him go. If not, the worst that can happen is that she refuses & you will have great evidence of her parental interference. Remember, if she doesn't let him go, then repeat it next week & the next. It can only make her look bad.

Something elese he might check out. When I was getting divorced, my ex had some serious mental health issues. There were no kids involved & it was supposed to be very simple. Then the clinic where he went got their social worker involved & they went out & hired him a lawyer & paid for it. That was in NJ. I don't know If PA has any programs like that but it is worth looking.

Good luck & God bless

You never get a second chance to make a first impression!

[geebee]

Thank you for both suggestions!!!!!

I will bring to his attention what you have said here.....Hopefully he will be able to respond what he thinks in a day or 2.