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2 issues; desperately need HELP!

Started by Jerry8a, Sep 01, 2004, 12:01:34 AM

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Jerry8a

Hi, my name is Jerry and I am new to this site. I went online to find any info I could about "Father's Rights" and stumbled on across this site. I am 33 years old, happily married, with an 18 month old son with my new wife. I have two older daughters, one almost 9 from an ex-girlfriend, and a 6 1/2 year old with my ex-wife. Here are my situations:

1) The 9 year old (I'll call her "V"); her mother and I parted ways before I ever knew she was pregnant and I didn't find out until she was about 7 months along. By then we had gone our seperate ways and she decided she didn't want me involved in the baby's life. For the first 3 years, I was part of her life as much as I could be, but other then making monthly child support payments, I had no custody/visitation established with the courts. When V turned 3 her mother got married and had 2 more kids with her husband; all this time V grew up knowing her stepdad as "dad". My ex-girlfriend was very good at "disappearing" and then "reappearing" when it was convienient, which made it almost impossible to locate her at times. Her relationship has been on again/off again with her husband, and she has subjected the kids to a few live-in boyfriends. The only way I have had contact with her is by literally "bumping" into her or her husband and getting their #. Adoption had been brought up to me several times by her and her husband; about 5 months ago her husband joined the military and recently got stationed back east. Trying to decide what was in V's best interest, and b/c I had missed out on so many years with her, I signed the adoption papers. Last week her mother called me and told me that she told V about me and her half sister and brother, and said she wanted to meet us, so we set up a play date in the park. V hit it off immediately with myself and the kids, and ended up staying the night at my house. Since then, she has been over to my house several times, and we've talked on the phone almost everyday. V told me that she wanted to come and live with me to get to know her new family better. My wife and I agreed that it would be in V's best interest to move with her family, but fly back on school holidays to visit. I discussed this with V's mother, and she agreed, said we could sit down and write out a parenting schedule. I told her that I wanted to take the schedule to court just to get ity approved by a judge so it would be on paper. My concern is, they leave on 12 Sept, I have tried to pin her down for a date to go to the courthouse, but for one reason or another, she keeps putting it off, says her only free day is Tuesday which is just a few days before they leave. I am on a very limited budget with very limited time to do anything. I need some advice, I don't want to lose my little girl again.

2) I share joint legal/physical custody of my 6 1/2 year old (I'll call her "J") with my ex-wife. She is with me, my wife, and half-brother half of the time and with her mother, stepdad, stepsister, and half-brother the other half of the time. Her mother has been EXTREMELY neglectful over the past few years regarding J's medical, dental, school, and her mental health. J was diagnosed with ADHD almost 2 years ago, and her mother constantly forgets to give J her meds which has made things twice as hard for her at home and school. A few months ago J suffered a six foot fall out of her bunk bed while in her mother's care, thankfully it only resulted in deep tissue injuries and nothing more serious. CPS was involved and concerned, but they said since J's mother provides her basic needs they couldn't pull her out of the home. I was able to qualify for a volunteer lawyer who will be representing me at court on 9 Sept. When my ex-wife and I went to mediation, she did not agree with the parenting plan that I thought was in J's best interest, so now we are at an impass. J needs to be in a structured home for her benefit. The bouncing back and forth between 2 different homes has got her totally confused. Her mother has not participated in her life for quite a few years and it has steadily been getting worse. I am thankful for my wife, she has really stepped up to the plate and taken care of J the way a mother should, but I still worry about her b/c she is affected by everything her mother does or should I say doesn't do. J has been in therapy for quite a while now, and her mother has not shown up to any appointments. We do everything we possibly can for her in our household, and I know I cannot change anything about my ex-wife's household, but I feel helpless b/c I can't help J any more than I already am. She's such a sad little girl and I can't make her pain go away. If you have any advice, please share. I apologize for being longwinded, but it feels good to vent. Thanks for listening.

FleetingMoment

You should just leave it all alone.  You run around making three babies with three mommies and then you want to pull the whole lot together under your roof now? WRONG.

P.S. Vasectomy is the way to go.

Stepmom0418

I myself have to disagree!! From what was posted here this father wants now and wanted in the past to be a part of his kids' lives!! Why shouldnt he be allowed??

I just coulnt believe the post that I just read OMG how wrong that someone could say such things to someone that was asking for help!! He wants to be a part of their lives!!

MYSONSDAD

Your ignorance is showing...

"Children learn what they live"

MYSONSDAD

You have come to the right place, WELCOME. So many here have simular situations and will give you good advise on how to proceed.

Ignore FLEETING MOMENT. This person is not a regular.

I think you are headed in the right direction and care about your children.

This will get you started:

See "Tips for Getting Started" at http://www.deltabravo.net/news/10-19-2000.htm

"Emergency First Aid" section of the Articles page, http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/articles.htm

http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/pasarchive.htm  

"Tips on Keeping Documentation" at http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/tips1.htm

 

 
"Children learn what they live"

joni


maybe because he's the only one who can pull it altogether.  you sound very bitter, so quick to judge.

Every Moment Does Counts....Why Don't You Just Go Away.

wendl

Welcome.

Read everyything you can on this site, talk to J's counselor and see how the counselor feels about how J is behaving etc.

Speak with the school, and drs etc.

Document Document

Also don't I personally wouldn't feel comfortable witha  a volunteer lawyers unless you have seen this person in action, go to the court and watch this lawyer, sometimes is worse to have useless attorney than no attorney.

Educate yourself on the laws.

**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**

FleetingMoment

I had missed out on so many years with her,
>I signed the adoption papers.  

Signs the adoption papers, no more child support... NOW he wants a parenting plan? Well of course, why not? Someone else is paying for this kid now.

>2) I share joint legal/physical custody of my 6 1/2 year old
>(I'll call her "J") with my ex-wife. ....Her mother has been EXTREMELY neglectful over the past
>few years regarding J's medical, dental, school, and her
>mental health. J was diagnosed with ADHD almost 2 years ago,
>and her mother constantly forgets to give J her meds which has
>made things twice as hard for her at home and school.

That's YOUR side of the story. And doubtful. Like so many fighting for 50/50 joint physical custody, which fails 90% of the time, you are just now realizing J's better off in one home? Egads.

A few
>months ago J suffered a six foot fall out of her bunk bed
>while in her mother's care, thankfully it only resulted in
>deep tissue injuries and nothing more serious. CPS was
>involved and concerned, but they said since J's mother
>provides her basic needs they couldn't pull her out of the
>home.

I'm not surprised. Kids fall out of bunk beds all the time. It's not neglect. Why would the CPS want to take a kid away from her mother for a one time accidental fall?  


I know I cannot change anything about my
>ex-wife's household, but I feel helpless b/c I can't help J
>any more than I already am. She's such a sad little girl and I
>can't make her pain go away. If you have any advice, please
>share. I apologize for being longwinded, but it feels good to
>vent. Thanks for listening.

You're going to cause her even more pain by trying to get sole custody. Children need both parents. You got what you wanted with your 50/50, but it's not enough, is it? A volunteer lawyer? What does that tell us? That you're having financial difficulties? You got out of support of one, and now you want to get out of 2 by trying for full custody and getting the momma to pay you CS?

I still say, vasectomy is the way to go. I can't imagine putting a "fourth" child through this.

nosonew

Fleeting moment...people are not here for this type of criticism...advice such as you suggest is ridiculous.  

To the dad...do what you can.  Your court date is coming up fast, just be prepared.  Make sure you have all the documentation needed, as well as any witnesses, and pray your volunteer atty is good!  

The first situation is likely out of your hands if the adoption took place.  Do you know if it did or not?  That could be your only hope, which is also perhaps why mom is stalling...to get the paperwork done.  Check it out.

And good luck!

MYSONSDAD

"For the first 3 years, I was part of her life as much as I could be, but other then making monthly child support payments, I had no custody/visitation established with the courts."

This says to me that there was no visitation set up thru the courts.
 
"Adoption had been brought up to me several times by her and her husband; about 5 months ago her husband joined the military and recently got stationed back east. Trying to decide what was in V's best interest, and b/c I had missed out on so many years with her, I signed the adoption papers."

Anyone in the military will tell you they have no control on where they are deployed. This situation was out of his hands and he was trying to do what was best for his daughter.
 
"Last week her mother called me and told me that she told V about me and her half sister and brother, and said she wanted to meet us, so we set up a play date in the park. V hit it off immediately with myself and the kids, and ended up staying the night at my house. Since then, she has been over to my house several times, and we've talked on the phone almost everyday. V told me that she wanted to come and live with me to get to know her new family better. My wife and I agreed that it would be in V's best interest to move with her family, but fly back on school holidays to visit"

Again, putting his daughter before his own interests.

"I told her that I wanted to take the schedule to court just to get it approved by a judge so it would be on paper"

Trying now to take more of a legal route to insure his parenting time.

"I share joint legal/physical custody of my 6 1/2 year old (I'll call her "J") with my ex-wife
J has been in therapy for quite a while now, and her mother has not shown up to any appointments."

Now what does this say? He is a fit parent, with joint legal and physical. Mother does not go to therapy.

Here is what I see:

a. you are here to cause conflict

b. you are a very depressed person who enjoys misery

c. you do not read the entire post

d. you are anti-male

e. you need a reality check
 
F. ALL OF THE ABOVE

"Children learn what they live"

FleetingMoment

>"For the first 3 years, I was part of her life as much as I
>could be, but other then making monthly child support
>payments, I had no custody/visitation established with the
>courts."
>
>This says to me that there was no visitation set up thru the
>courts.
>  

Well, gee. I would hope you are able to comprehend what that says to you and everyone else. Plain English, after all.  Who's fault is that? HIS. He should have gone to court to "establish" his custody/visitation rights.

>"Adoption had been brought up to me several times by her and
>her husband; about 5 months ago her husband joined the
>military and recently got stationed back east. Trying to
>decide what was in V's best interest, and b/c I had missed out
>on so many years with her, I signed the adoption papers."
>

>Anyone in the military will tell you they have no control on
>where they are deployed. This situation was out of his hands
>and he was trying to do what was best for his daughter.
>

Military deployment of another person is out of his hands. Giving up a child for adoption is not out of his hands. NO ONE and I repeat NO ONE is forced to give up a child for adoption and let another man take over as the father. That was a bad choice.

>"Last week her mother called me and told me that she told V
>about me and her half sister and brother, and said she wanted
>to meet us, so we set up a play date in the park. V hit it off
>immediately with myself and the kids, and ended up staying the
>night at my house. Since then, she has been over to my house
>several times, and we've talked on the phone almost everyday.
>V told me that she wanted to come and live with me to get to
>know her new family better. My wife and I agreed that it would
>be in V's best interest to move with her family, but fly back
>on school holidays to visit"
>
>Again, putting his daughter before his own interests.

He no longer has a choice in making decisions. He gave her up for adoption. His ex wife and her "new father" are not the ones suggesting V go and live him. What V wants doesn't matter.
>
>"I told her that I wanted to take the schedule to court just
>to get it approved by a judge so it would be on paper"
>
>Trying now to take more of a legal route to insure his
>parenting time.

Again. What parenting time? No matter what he tries to call it now, he signed his parenting rights away.

>"I share joint legal/physical custody of my 6 1/2 year old
>(I'll call her "J") with my ex-wife
>J has been in therapy for quite a while now, and her mother
>has not shown up to any appointments."
>
>Now what does this say? He is a fit parent, with joint legal
>and physical. Mother does not go to therapy.
>

Poor J. I do feel for the child. But apparently this is not a joint decision for J to attend therapy. What happened to the joint decision making here? Mother is not going because she doesn't agree with it, or his choice of a therapist. Mother might even be taking the daughter to therapy on her own without involving Dad. This doesn't make the Mother bad at all. Not one bit.

>
>a. you are here to cause conflict
>
>b. you are a very depressed person who enjoys misery
>
>c. you do not read the entire post
>
>d. you are anti-male
>
>e. you need a reality check
>
>F. ALL OF THE ABOVE

Get your face away from the "mirror." Your reflection shows.



MYSONSDAD

This took place nine years ago. Many fathers are not aware of their rights until it is too late.

You are one sick puppy.

Go get help, you need it.


One more post out of you and I will contact the moderator. But, with your mind set as it is, I know you won't care...

One last thought, GET A LIFE! And you have already shown your reflection, nothing, just a big empty hole and you have nowhere to go...

sweetnsad

Everyone....we obviously have yet another troll amongst us.  Please ignore it and eventually, it will go away.

:)

MYSONSDAD

I am no longer engaging in her "Entertainment Endeavors"

Have set her on IGNORE MODE...

She is like a mosquito, inflicts pain, sucks blood, very annoying and will move on to find another victim.

She will come back, change her ID and user profile...

"Children learn what they live"

Jerry8a

LISTEN YOU ASS!!!! FIRST OF ALL, I NEVER STOPPED PAYING CHILD SUPPORT ON "V". EVEN THOUGH PAPERS WERE ORIGINALLY SIGNED, AN ADOPTION PACKET STILL HAS TO BE FILLED OUT BY THE BIOLOGICAL MOTHER AND STEPFATHER, THEY HAVE TO HAVE A MEETING WITH SOCIAL SERVICES, AND THEN FINALLY IT WOULD GO TO COURT WHICH I WOULD HAVE HAD TO AGREE TO IT IN FRONT OF A JUDGE AND THEN IT WOULD'VE HAD TO BE APPROVED BY THE JUDGE. SO YES, I AM STILL PAYING CHILD SUPPORT, AND WILL CONTINUE TO DO SO. THINGS HAVE BEEN GOING VERY WELL WITH "V" AS WELL. SHE HAS BEEN EXTREMELY EXCITED TO RECONNECT WITH MY SIDE OF THE FAMILY, AND HER BIOLOGICAL MOM HAS ALSO BEEN VERY RECEPTIVE TO EVERYTHING!! SECOND, I HAVE LEGAL/MEDICAL DOCUMENTATION CONCERNING ALL ISSUES WITH "J" AND GUESS WHAT, WENT TO COURT AND WON! i WOULD NEVER EVER TRY TO SEPERATE "J" AND HER MOTHER, I WANTED "J" TO BE ABLE TO LIVE IN A STRUCTURED ENVIRONMENT SO SHE COULD THRIVE IN SCHOOL. AND IT'S WORKING. "J" IS DOING MUCH BETTER IN SCHOOL, HER MOTHER IS ACTUALLY PARTICIPATING IN HER LIFE NOW, AND SHE SEES HER MOTHER EVERY WEDNESDAY OVERNIGHT AND EVERY WEEKEND FROM FRIDAY NIGHT UNTIL 6 SUNDAY NIGHT!!! THAT'S EVERY WEEKEND WITH HER MOMMY BUDDY, I GET HER DURING THE SCHOOL WEEK, SO YOU TELL ME ASSHOLE, I'D SAY THAT'S MORE THAN FAIR. HER MOTHER'S FINE WITH IT, "J'S" THERAPIST SAYS SHE'S EVEN DOING BETTER. SO YOU TELL ME WHO THIS IS HURTING? JUST BECAUSE YOUR LIFE IS SO F---ED UP DOESN'T MEAN YOU NEED TO TAKE IT OUT ON OTHER PEOPLE! GET OVER YOURSELF! IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU OR ME, IT'S ABOUT THE KIDS!!! GROW UP!

wendl

Has the adoption papers been filed with the courts yet or has the judge signed them yet???

Might want to make sure if it hasn't to stop that ASAP.


**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**

joni


....hopefully you put an end to the ravings of that jackass.

Are you saying you don't want the adoption now?  I think the only way you can protect any sort of parenting time...with her being away....is to remain legally obligated as the father.  

If mom is as flighty as you say, she may move back east and disappear again.  That would be devastating for your daughter who is just bonding with you and your family.  And mom may tell you to get lost, and a judge would back that, if you let her be adopted.

Consider this, once she's in her new state for 6 months, the jurisdiction becomes the new state.  Even tho a judge signs off on a parenting plan here with you letting her go for adoption, mom could get moody in the new state and discontinue your visitations.  The new judge would say that he didn't care what you agreed to in the old state, in the new state, you are no longer her father and no longer have ANY rights to the child.

So I would consider not letting the adoption go thru in order to protect your visitation rights.

Bolivar

I vote to keep FleetingMoment posting.  Her attitude only helps the children rights movement.   We use her as an example to what is wrong with the system.


I have a new idea for a reality show.

On an island that is inhabited with 100 hers like FleetingMoment and a 100 hims like Eric of the FIRM.  That would be a number one show!!!

wendl


Jerry8a

They (Mom, "V", and her other two kids) left last Monday to drive to Georgia where her husband is stationed. As far as I know she hasn't done anything with the adoption papers, but just to be on the safe side, I contacted an attorney out here asking what to do. I was advised to go ahead and file "Order To Show Cause" Custody/Visitation paperwork and once filed send them certified mail to her address in Georgia. I was also told that it would have to go through Mediation too. I know she won't fly back for the Mediation or court dates, so I asked what would happen. He told me that after she no-showed for the first Mediation appointment, they would set another. If she no-showed for the second appointment then it would still go to court and the judge would have to make a decision. The law firm that I deal with also has offices in the part of Georgia where she lives so if I needed to contact an attorny there I can do so. As for the adoption papers, regardless of whether or not she tries to file them, when it goes to court to be approved I have to be present to give my consent, which obviously now I am not going to do. That is all I know at the moment. I am going to try to contact biological mom this week to hopefully see where things stand.

Jerry8a

(Read # 20). No, now that we've all bonded, I know that I need to keep my parental rights. I don't want to force "V" into anything, so I am letting her make up her own mind to decide what she wants to do. Her mother has been very receptive, and has let "V" made her own decisions in visiting and spending time with me while they were still here. I just want a parenting schedule documented by the courts, making it legal so that I keep my rights, but take things slow with "V" so she can get used to everything. I am scared that she'll disappear again, so I'm trying to get all this done as soon as possible. I just don't want to lose her all over again. It's been an overwhelming ordeal, but obviously well worth the fight!! Thanks again for all the advice.

Jerry8a

I just wanted to say thanks for sticking up for me and thanks for all the info. It's nice to be able to talk to other people that are going through similar situations. I will check out the websites. Thanks again.

joni


your plan is sound to me.  I especially like that you hired an atty with offices in Georgia....very smart.  Remember, this has to be faciliated within 6 months....after six months, the child is under the jurisdiction of UCCJEA and you'll be fighting for visitation there.  

Try to get your judgement with liberal visitation addressed, such as

--the entire summer break, except for the week after school gets out and the week before school goes back
--1/2 of xmas
--alternate thanksgiving
--alternate winter/spring, or if school doesn't have both, ask for 1/2 of spring break
--offer to pay for 1/2 of transportation costs, if you try to stick the entire bill with her, may blow up on you.
--ask for the weekend around her bday, fly her to you or you go there for it

it still baffles me that she would ask for this adoption and then let the child bond with you.  it's so contradictory.  

FleetingMoment

>LISTEN YOU ASS!!!! FIRST OF ALL, I NEVER STOPPED PAYING CHILD
>SUPPORT ON "V". EVEN THOUGH PAPERS WERE ORIGINALLY SIGNED, AN
>ADOPTION PACKET STILL HAS TO BE FILLED OUT BY THE BIOLOGICAL
>MOTHER AND STEPFATHER, THEY HAVE TO HAVE A MEETING WITH SOCIAL
>SERVICES, AND THEN FINALLY IT WOULD GO TO COURT WHICH I WOULD
>HAVE HAD TO AGREE TO IT IN FRONT OF A JUDGE AND THEN IT
>WOULD'VE HAD TO BE APPROVED BY THE JUDGE.

That, compared to this: "Trying to decide what was in V's best interest, and b/c I had missed out on so many years with her, I signed the adoption papers," are two totally different statements.  Regardless of whether the process is complete or not, you were willing and did sign to give your rights to your daughter away.  

SO YES, I AM STILL
>PAYING CHILD SUPPORT, AND WILL CONTINUE TO DO SO. THINGS HAVE
>BEEN GOING VERY WELL WITH "V" AS WELL. SHE HAS BEEN EXTREMELY
>EXCITED TO RECONNECT WITH MY SIDE OF THE FAMILY, AND HER
>BIOLOGICAL MOM HAS ALSO BEEN VERY RECEPTIVE TO EVERYTHING!!

Ok, so you should be having second thoughts, and you should be praying that you can STOP the whole adoption process. You should go in and argue that you signed under duress. You should continue to work on reconnecting with V while retaining all your rights as a father, and her rights to have you as her father.  

>SECOND, I HAVE LEGAL/MEDICAL DOCUMENTATION CONCERNING ALL
>ISSUES WITH "J" AND GUESS WHAT, WENT TO COURT AND WON! i WOULD
>NEVER EVER TRY TO SEPERATE "J" AND HER MOTHER, I WANTED "J" TO
>BE ABLE TO LIVE IN A STRUCTURED ENVIRONMENT SO SHE COULD
>THRIVE IN SCHOOL. AND IT'S WORKING. "J" IS DOING MUCH BETTER
>IN SCHOOL, HER MOTHER IS ACTUALLY PARTICIPATING IN HER LIFE
>NOW, AND SHE SEES HER MOTHER EVERY WEDNESDAY OVERNIGHT AND
>EVERY WEEKEND FROM FRIDAY NIGHT UNTIL 6 SUNDAY NIGHT!!! THAT'S
>EVERY WEEKEND WITH HER MOMMY BUDDY, I GET HER DURING THE
>SCHOOL WEEK, SO YOU TELL ME ASSHOLE, I'D SAY THAT'S MORE THAN
>FAIR. HER MOTHER'S FINE WITH IT, "J'S" THERAPIST SAYS SHE'S
>EVEN DOING BETTER. SO YOU TELL ME WHO THIS IS HURTING? JUST
>BECAUSE YOUR LIFE IS SO F---ED UP DOESN'T MEAN YOU NEED TO
>TAKE IT OUT ON OTHER PEOPLE! GET OVER YOURSELF! IT'S NOT ABOUT
>YOU OR ME, IT'S ABOUT THE KIDS!!! GROW UP!

I don't get it. You WON? She's fine with it? Then why keep complaining? What do you really want and how is this suddenly a second issue? Somehow I get the impression that you're not telling the truth about not wanting to separate J from her mother. You're not going to get J's life much more structured than it is now. You'll never be able to control how she lives there as opposed to how she lives with you. Unless, someday soon, unfortunate circumstances get her mother killed. So why can't you leave it alone? How much more blood do you want from her mother?

I'm sorry, but I am pretty grown up :) I'm not the one running around these boards losing my temper and cussing someone out. I'm just offering other opinions, which is bad? Why? I'll agree on one thing, it isn't between you or me. If you're going to post publicly, then you're going to hear it from all viewpoints. Believe it or not, it does help to hear both sides.  

FleetingMoment

>I vote to keep FleetingMoment posting.  

Thank you!

,Her attitude only
>helps the children rights movement.

Nice coverup. The "children's rights" movement. You are correct however. I stand with the children, not behind their legs using them as a shield.

>  We use her as an example
>to what is wrong with the system.

Might work if there weren't so many bad examples trying to make bad examples out of mothers.
>
>I have a new idea for a reality show.
>
>On an island that is inhabited with 100 hers like
>FleetingMoment and a 100 hims like Eric of the FIRM.  That
>would be a number one show!!!

Great sense of humor :) ... a better reality show... same island inhabited by "1" FleetingMoment and "1" Bolivar aka the Little Man with a Big Brain.  No offense, Eric.

MYSONSDAD

Nice...

I like the way you think!!!

"Children learn what they live"

MYSONSDAD

Just so glad you took second shot at coming back. We are here to encourage both parents to stay involved with raising their children.

Sorry about the previous distraction. Apparently someone is celebrating Halloween a little early.


"Children learn what they live"

MYSONSDAD

 Should we keep HER around for "Entertainment Purposes?"

Sure encourages a person to take a real political stand and do whatever we can for Shared and Equal Parenting. Thanks to HER "Sadistic Posts" I have written some wonderful letters!

And I can not begin to tell you how it has helped my stress level...

"Children learn what they live"

Kitty C.

Bolivar, you're a GENIUS!!!!!!!!!!!  Do you realize how quickly they'd finish each other off???????  With people who are fanatical about 'their cause' and wear blinders at the same time, it certainly wouldn't take long!!!!!!!!

Hmmmmmmmm............

BM...............FM................we ALL know our 'other' definition of the former...........can you imagine what the 'alternative' definition of the latter would be, coming from someone who's only spewing 'hot air'??????  Give ya 3 guesses and the first 2 don't count!



Man, I could have WAY too much fun with this!  ;-)
Handle every stressful situation like a dog........if you can't play with it or eat it, pee on it and walk away.......