I have another question...

[Lunarbunny]

I recently posted a question about our 730 evaluation and now we have a new dilemma.  

While SD was over this last weekend, she stated that BM's boyfriend is her dad now and that her BD is not.  She stated that she was told that she 'had' to call BM's boyfriend Dad.  She also came over in pants so large that they actually fell down to her ankles when she wasn't holding them up with her hand.  We purchased 2 belts for a couple of months ago when the same thing had happened.  SD told us that her pants fell all the way down to her ankles 2 times this last week while she was in the cafeteria getting her lunch.  She had to hold the tray so she couldn't hold up her pants.  She just turned 7.

Question:  The evaluation is not due to be complete for about 3 weeks.  We are thinking about sending a letter to the evaluator to address these issues so that he can take them into consideration.  Do you think that this acceptable or does it look like badgering??? We are highly concerned about parental alienation and neglect.

[catherine]

I don't think that either issue is worth it.  The "Dad" one you can't prove but I think it's your duty to try and explain it to your SD.  My youngest SS (he's 6) still gets confused over the whole biological thing and trying to understand who is related to whom.  The clothes one - all they would have to do it produce the belts and voila, it's no longer an issue.  BTW, what did happen to her belts?  You can also show her the trick of rolling the waist of the pants down overtop the zipper or whatever in order to keep them up.  

[Kitty C.]

Forcing her to say something that she KNOWS isn't true, plus neglecting her needs so badly that it has serious social repercussions for her (did she also tell you about how all the kids laughed at her?) and hammers at her self-esteem is NOT badgering, in my book.  Plus, it sounds like she's got PLENTY of witnesses on that occasion.

Unless someone else has some other reason to believe otherwise, I see no reason why you shouldn't write that letter.  In fact, not writing it can also be seen as condoning the situation, which it is obvious that you do NOT!

[catherine]

One thing the evalulator looks for is spitefulness in the parents.  The calling the BF Dad thing is hearsay and of course they will all deny it.  The pants being too loose - even my 6 yr old sson knows when he needs to put on his belt because he is very skinny.  I just can't buy those being valid issues.

Now if the kid was unwashed for days, had lice constantly, had rotten teeth or something, I could see that being a serious case of neglect.

Maybe the Dad comment could be handled by the Father writing a letter to the BM telling her that he is concerned about it and he requests it to stop and CC'ing the evalutor?

[Lunarbunny]

Thanks Kitty.  It just seems to keep getting worse for the poor girl.  She's angry, hurt, confused, and obviously being neglected.  It's hard to know what to do to help.

[Lunarbunny]

This has nothing to do with spitefulness.  She does ALWAYS comes over unwashed and her hair is ALWAYS unbrushed and she does have untreated cavities.  BD has written letters to the BM about these types of issues.  The result has been that the BM denies BD his next scheduled visitation as punishment.

[catherine]

I am not saying you are being spiteful.  Both issues are distressing to you (and would be to me too), but in the overall picture they aren't enough to make a custody determination.

[Kitty C.]

And I would think that the child mentioned in this situation would have rather worn a belt than be humiliated in school with her pants falling down.  Children do NOT like to draw that kind of attention to themselves...no wonder the poor child is angry, hurt, and confused.  So I'm sure that if she'd had a belt available, she would have worn it.  This is a no-brainer and as a mandatory reporter, if I had be on that school faculty and seen that happen, I would have reported the mother for neglect, emotional AND physical.

[Lunarbunny]

No offense taken.  I know that you aren't saying that I am being spiteful.  These are not isolated incidents.  It is just additional information for the evaluator to reinforce what he already has been told and continue to show a pattern that is getting worse.

We would also be including a copy of the most recent correspondence in which the BM demands more money for additional childcare costs while refusing to allow BD take care of her while SD is 'off track'.  

[Bolivar]

Post the letter here

Go ahead and write the letter, and post it here.

We will review it, and then perhaps we could vote on whether you should send it.  Make sure you write it in a natural scientific way.  Remember,, just the facts. :-)

Even if you do NOT send the letter, just writing the facts down will document them for latter use.

Think about it.  Just trying to help. :-)

[Lunarbunny]

Dear Dr. --------,

   Since we each met with you there have been some additional concerns that have surfaced and we would like to share them with you.  

   This last Saturday and Sunday (10/23/04,10/24/04) when SD came to visit, she was brought to us in her usual state of obvious neglect.  She appeared to not have had a bath and her hair had not been brushed.  In addition to her not being ready for the day, she was wearing pants that were obviously too large for her.  About two months ago she came to us in a similar way and while she was visiting we purchased two belts and sent them home with SD because she had expressed that she did not have a belt at home.  The pants that she wore on this particular weekend were so large that they were falling all the way to her ankles unless she held them up with her hand.  We once again purchased a belt for her.  While we were getting SD's shoes on so that step-mom could take her to meet BM's BF at the McDonald's, SD informed us that twice during the prior week at school that she was in the cafeteria at lunch and her pants had fallen all the way down to her ankles in front of all of the other children because she was not wearing a belt.  We feel that incidents like these can have a negative impact on her self-esteem as well as her sense of importance with regards to her caregiver.

   The second concern took place on Sunday afternoon at our home while we were painting keepsake boxes at the table.  SD's paternal grandparents were there to visit and SD told everyone that she 'had' to call BM's BF her dad because she didn't have a dad anymore.  She then went on to explain that BD's not her dad anymore and that BM's BF is.  Also during her visit to our home she called BD, "given name", and said that it was ok because BD was not her dad anymore.  SD's paternal Grandmother openly explained to her in front everyone that BD and BM are her dad and mom and that they will never stop loving her and being her parents no matter who comes into SD's life.  Later, BD took her aside and explained to her that he was always going to be her daddy and that he was always going to be there for her and love her.  

   She also expressed that she has been given the impression that she isn't permitted to spend the night at our home because she is not wanted at our home.  We do not know how she could have gotten that impression from us because when she is with us she is showered with love and affection and told continually that she is missed and has been missed and is loved.  When we expressed to her that she is very much wanted as well as missed by everyone and that we were trying hard to get permission for her to be able to spend more time with us, including overnight, she seemed to feel sad and relieved at the same time.  We went on to tell her that we think about her everyday and that she is loved by us everyday even though we can't have contact with her.  

                  We are highly concerned that there has been significant interference concerning SD's relationship with BD by the other parties involved.  SD appears to be angry, depressed, and generally worn out.  It also appears that she is rapidly becoming a victim of parental alienation syndrome and due to that, SD's relationship with BD seems to be deteriorating.  We would like to prevent any further psychological damage from occurring to SD.  We believe that it would be beneficial for SD to see a reputable child psychologist so that she may have someone that she can talk to about her feelings without being afraid of hurting anyone she loves.  That way maybe over time she will feel comfortable enough with this psychologist to speak freely and not have to bottle her feelings up which is what appears to be happening now.  

   Thank you for taking our concerns into consideration.  Enclosed in the most recent email exchange that occurred in regards to SD's most recent visit that took place on 10/23/04 and 10/24/04.  Please read them and add them to the emails that we have already given you.  The first email is on the last page with the subsequent emails working their way forward.  We have also numbered them with a highlighter for you.

Thank you again for all that you are doing,

Sincerely.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXX                             XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXx

   

[cathy]

First let me say - how sad!  How can people do stupid shit like this to a child?  What is their problem?  I could swap similiar stories with you about my husband's ex - pathetic.

I don't have any experience with an evalation but here is my suggestion:

I would reformat the letter.  I'm sure the evaluators have tons of paper work and tons of stuff given them to read thru.  I think the easier you make it for them to read and get your point, the better.

I would suggest an over all list of concerns, in bold with bullets.  Put the supporting info underneath.  That way, the evaluator can review quickly and refresh their memory quickly.

Another benefit is that it makes it seem more "business-like" and less emotional, which would probably give it more overall impact.  Makes it less likely to be dismissed as petty snipping.

For example (bullet items would be in bold):

blah blah blah.  Follow are our concerns:

* Child being told that we do not want her at our house; alienation

   (paragraph with details)

* Significant inteference in father/child relationship by other parties.
   
    (paragraph with details)

* Self-esteem issues as a result of inappropriate clothing

    (paragraph with details)

[Bolivar]

I have [em]QUICKLY[/em] rewritten the letter.  
After reviewing the letter my vote is NOT to send the letter.
I know you don't want to hear this, but, there is not enough empirical evidence.
I could be wrong, as I stated before this is only my opinion.
If you are going to send the letter I would definitely shorten it, write bullet points only.

As an immediately plain of action --
Make sure Dad hugs his daughter as often as possible!!!
I can feel your pain.  Sorry I can not be of more help.

Dear Dr. --------,

Some additional concerns that have surfaced.

1) Saturday and Sunday (10/23/04,10/24/04) SD informed us that twice during the prior week at school that she was in the cafeteria at lunch and her pants had fallen all the way down to her ankles in front of all of the other children because she was not wearing a belt. We feel that incidents like these can have a negative impact on her self-esteem as well as her sense of importance with regards to her caregiver.  We have corrected the problem by buying a belt.

2)  BM's said she has to call BF her "dad".  BM said "that it was ok because BD was not her dad anymore."  We have correct the problem by having BD explained to her in a quiet setting that "he was always going to be her daddy and that he was always going to be there for her and love her".

3) She expressed that she has the impression that she isn't permitted to spend the night at our home because she is not wanted at our home.   We correct this problem by expressing to her that "she is very much wanted as well as missed by everyone and that we were trying hard to get permission for her to be able to spend more time with us, including overnight."

4) SD appears to be angry, depressed, and generally worn out. We believe that it would be beneficial for SD to see a reputable child psychologist so that she may have someone that she can talk to about her feelings without being afraid of hurting anyone she loves.

Thank you again for all that you are doing,

Sincerely.

[MYSONSDAD]

I could not agree more with Kitty C and Bolivar. If you choose not to address this, you are condoning the behavior.

You can also have a sanction put in the final paperwork in regard to who calls who daddy. Or have it included in the Parenting Plan.

"Children learn what they live"

[rm1759]

Also, make sure it is obvious this is coming from Dad.  

[Lunarbunny]

Thanks for all the input!!

What makes this all even worse is that these are just the latest events.  There are too many others to list and loads of hard copy proof in emails that have been between BD and BM.  They were all given to the evaluator already and we would be including the latest email conversation that took place.  The emails are another example of how BM is bluntly telling BD he has no right to information about education and also no right to know emergency numbers because it all transpires during BM's time.  Joint legal custody is part of their temporary order.  In the email she also demanded more money for childcare and told BD that he may not spend the time that SD is 'off track' (even though BM will be at work) with BD because it is BM's decision and she says no.  Instead SD will be at daycare from 6:30am to 6:30pm and then who knows where she will be.  The only reason that we know the hours is because BM said she would be at the local YMCA and we looked it up.

When did children become property instead of being people?

[Kitty C.]

When these immature, vindictive POS's who like to 'call' themselves 'parents' found something better to get back at their ex-spouses for supposedly hurting THEM so bad......the kids.  THAT is when children stop being people and become property, only a tool to use in their quest for vengence and retribution.

I got to thinking about the school incidences...............why weren't they reported by the school authorities.....to ANYONE?  These are mandatory reporters and I have a feeling that this has happened more than just twice.  And having lived it myself, I know how cruel some kids can be.  Those instances would be all it would take to 'brand' her for the rest of her school days.  Unless staff steps up to the plate and puts a stop to it and gets it reported so that it doesn't happen again.

JMO, but I'd also be talking to the school district about ther 'inaction' regarding this.

[catherine]

that they bought two belts for the child and sent them home with her?  Honestly, my 6 yr old SS is very thin and he remembers to put on a belt for the pants that are loose.  Maybe there is a lot more to the story that I'm not aware of in regards to other neglect.  Wearing pants that are too big is not considered neglect and I don't see how you view it that way or hold the school responsible for not taking action.  If the SD has two belts and chooses not to wear them, what then?

[Lunarbunny]

There is always more to the story.

SD comes over for visits and tells us that BM throws away things that we send home with her.  SD says that she would put a belt on if she had one at home.

[kitten]

If I had the time to help you with a re-write, it would have been just like Bolivars.  It is never a good idea to word anything in a blaming the other parent tone to an evaluator.  I think Bolivars letter is a good way to voice your concerns for what is in sd's "best interest" without sounding like you are bashing the other parent.  Bashing the other parent is a big no-no in an evaluation!

[catherine]

Major PAS sign.  I wish you luck in your fight.  As you probably know, it takes major stuff to change custody - I have even read stories of the CP being homeless and still not losing it.  I hope the evaluator sides with you guys as that would really influence the judge.  Make sure you let us know the outcome in November.

[catherine]

regarding sounding spiteful - you don't want the evalulator to think you are dissing the other parent too badly.

[Kitty C.]

Exactly.  I would think that she would scour the house for one of those belts and would have worn it to keep her pants up if she could have found one, rather than go thru the public humiliation of having her pants fall down to her ankles at school.

I've been publicly humiliated.................during my HS graduation ceremonies, right in front of my parents and practically the entire town.  And I still carry the scars 25 years later.  But mine was only vocal, not physical.  My heart cries out to this child, as I'm sure she is already developing some very deep scars of her own..............